Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-02-2018, 03:21 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170

Mr Quatro's "Things God Told Me" thread


For those of you that don't know, our board is graced with the presence of a prophet of God, who is periodically foretold the future so that he may share it with the world. He is very insistent that he be given a platform for this, and that there will be forum members who agree that he is a messenger from God providing profound and obviously correct and Heaven-sent revelations to the world, but he seems very reluctant to start the new thread himself, so I'll start it for him.

Mr Quatro, I invite you to share your critically-important messages personally given to you by the Creator of the Universe here.

Everyone else, I invite you to indicate the degree to which you are impressed with those messages.
  #2  
Old 02-02-2018, 03:37 PM
Morgenstern is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 11,866
When he was a kid his dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?"
Emo would say, "Yes, father!"
"Then, Emo, stand up and shout Hallelujah!"
So Emo would and he'd fall off of the big roller coaster
  #3  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:01 PM
Chimera is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In the Dreaming
Posts: 24,689
Or he could just as easily open a thread in Great Debates, which specifically states that it is for that purpose.

But he'd rather whine about being a martyr.
  #4  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:16 PM
Grrr!'s Avatar
Grrr! is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 16,913
Wow, reminds me of another long time poster around here. Wish I could remember his name... Starts with a K I think. (Not Kayaker)
  #5  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:24 PM
begbert2 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Idaho
Posts: 14,092
I can super-understand why a prophet -as in a person who can actually prophecy future events, as opposed to a proselytizer who has no new information- would be reluctant to post their predictions here.

Because no such person exists.

Wait, scratch that, sorry. I mean because people 'round these parts tend to be pretty critical of people who try to blow smoke up their asses - and of people who really sound like they're trying to blow such smoke. Especially people who claim to be getting their information from some god.

Because no such person exists.
  #6  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:32 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Since he doesn't want to join this thread, how about visiting a few of his greatest hits?

Teh gayz are bad.
More prophesying.
What's next, recreational sex?
There are no Christians on the Supreme Court.
  #7  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:34 PM
kaylasdad99 is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Anaheim, CA
Posts: 32,885
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Or he could just as easily open a thread in Great Debates, which specifically states that it is for that purpose.

But he'd rather whine about being a martyr.
Well, to be fair to him, one of the Beatitudes is about being blessed when he (Mr Quattro) gets cursed for His (Jesusís) nameís sake.

I donít remember any blessings being bestowed upon those who just metaphorically stand on street corners shouting at everyone. Could be wrong, though. Havenít memorized them, or read them in forty years.
  #8  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:34 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by begbert2 View Post
Wait, scratch that, sorry. I mean because people 'round these parts tend to be pretty critical of people who try to blow smoke up their asses - and of people who really sound like they're trying to blow such smoke.
I think that he would have an uphill battle being taken seriously even on an explicitly Christian site. Except maybe WingNutDaily--they swallowed the "Four Blood Moons" thing hook, line and sinker.
  #9  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:39 PM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,847
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
Since he doesn't want to join this thread, how about visiting a few of his greatest hits?

Teh gayz are bad.
More prophesying.
What's next, recreational sex?
There are no Christians on the Supreme Court.
I'm having a vision! Gawd has come to me and told me, this guy is gonna do more of that
  #10  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:40 PM
Chimera is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In the Dreaming
Posts: 24,689
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
Since he doesn't want to join this thread, how about visiting a few of his greatest hits?

What's next, recreational sex?
Holy shit that's funny.

Other primates do it for fun, our entire human evolutionary lineage no doubt did it.

Yes, people have sex just for fun. How horrifying and ungodlike.
  #11  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:54 PM
Walken After Midnight is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5,398
I'd be interested to know what God sounds like. I think most people would presume that He speaks in an English accent, but what if He spoke, say, in a French accent? Or does He adjust his accent to make it identical to that of the person He's speaking to?
  #12  
Old 02-02-2018, 05:59 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walken After Midnight View Post
I'd be interested to know what God sounds like.
I'm thinking half-way between James Earl Jones and David Attenborough.

But (coincidentally enough) he looks more like Christopher Walken.
  #13  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:03 PM
Walken After Midnight is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 5,398
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
I'm thinking half-way between James Earl Jones and David Attenborough.

But (coincidentally enough) he looks more like Christopher Walken.
For me, it's the other way round - he looks like a cross between James Earl Jones and David Attenborough, but talks like Christopher Walken.
  #14  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:05 PM
Grrr!'s Avatar
Grrr! is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 16,913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walken After Midnight View Post
I'd be interested to know what God sounds like. I think most people would presume that He speaks in an English accent, but what if He spoke, say, in a French accent? Or does He adjust his accent to make it identical to that of the person He's speaking to?


Everyone knows God sounds like Morgan Freeman.

Last edited by Grrr!; 02-02-2018 at 06:05 PM.
  #15  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:10 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Everyone knows God sounds like Morgan Freeman.
Who looks halfway between James Earl Jones and Christopher Walken!
  #16  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:10 PM
Colibri's Avatar
Colibri is offline
SD Curator of Critters
Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Panama
Posts: 44,429
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
But (coincidentally enough) he looks more like Christopher Walken.
Everyone knows he looks like this.
  #17  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:15 PM
Beckdawrek's Avatar
Beckdawrek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Boonies??
Posts: 22,104
God help us.
  #18  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:30 PM
andros is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Dejagore
Posts: 10,568
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Wow, reminds me of another long time poster around here. Wish I could remember his name... Starts with a K I think. (Not Kayaker)
kanicbird
  #19  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:35 PM
wolfpup's Avatar
wolfpup is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11,492
I had a look at some of his oeuvre. I'm afraid that much of it raises more questions than it answers ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Quatro View Post
Could it be possible that homosexuals are really athesist
because there are no holes in my bible that this practice is sinfully wrong.
I'm not clear on the difference between "sinfully wrong" and "sinfully right". I bet there are a lot of horny dudes and dudettes who believe that their particular carnal practices are "sinfully right". Do you burn in hell for that, too? Actually there's a grocery store here that advertises chocolate chip cookies as "sinfully rich", which I think is sorta the same thing as "sinfully right". It would a shame if they sent you to hell for that.

And I totally don't get it about holes in your Bible. What would those holes be for? Given the rest of your screed, it sounds vaguely obscene.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Quatro View Post
If you knew beyond a doubt that you would pay for your sins in hell ...

wouldn't you want to repent?
Wait... repenting under duress, just to get on God's good side for personal gain, actually works?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Quatro View Post
follow Jesus and not the flesh of your desires.
I dunno about that. I was picking up stuff for dinner yesterday and the flesh of my desire that caught my eye was a nicely marbled five-pound prime rib roast, which I desired quite a lot so I got it, and it turned out great.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Quatro View Post
I see a day when men and women will be auctioned off like they do animals today, for an hour or a day or a night.
Does this sound like a society you could live in?
Auctions, eh? I thought they did all that today, but with price lists. I'm all for a more open free market where prices are more responsive to demand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Quatro View Post
I would move to the last country that allows this.
It's wise not to be an early adopter of these things, but I don't know why you'd wait until the very last one had it. Let five or six countries sort it out, and once the auction systems are all running smoothly, move to any of them. I'm sure it will be fine.
  #20  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:51 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfpup View Post
And I totally don't get it about holes in your Bible. What would those holes be for?
They are holes through which the glory of God can shine.
  #21  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:52 PM
running coach's Avatar
running coach is online now
Arms of Steel, Leg of Jello
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Riding my handcycle
Posts: 37,819
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
They are holes through which the glory of God can shine.

You naughty, naughty person.
  #22  
Old 02-02-2018, 06:53 PM
Chimera is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In the Dreaming
Posts: 24,689
Quote:
Originally Posted by Colibri View Post
Everyone knows he looks like this.
I'm pretty sure he looks like this.
  #23  
Old 02-02-2018, 07:25 PM
eschereal's Avatar
eschereal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Frogstar World B
Posts: 17,170
I have been led to believe that god looks and sounds a lot like Joe Pesci
  #24  
Old 02-02-2018, 07:42 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by eschereal View Post
I have been led to believe that god looks and sounds a lot like Joe Pesci
Well he does have all the answers--that's why they call him a "whys guy."
  #25  
Old 02-02-2018, 07:56 PM
Guinastasia's Avatar
Guinastasia is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53,122
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Holy shit that's funny.

Other primates do it for fun, our entire human evolutionary lineage no doubt did it.

Yes, people have sex just for fun. How horrifying and ungodlike.


You and me baby ain't nuthin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel
__________________
Itís not you, itís your sports team.
  #26  
Old 02-02-2018, 08:33 PM
wolfpup's Avatar
wolfpup is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11,492
Mr Quatro's appeal to a higher power has been shut down. I think it's a good bet that Bone is in for some divine retribution:
And the Lord God said unto Bone, "Art thou the one who turned away from my servant the prophet Quatro in his hour of need, and declined to let him speak to the multitudes, that he might once more make many prophecies? Know ye that ye shall feel the wrath of the Lord thy God, for the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth."
-- probably somewhere in the Bible. Try to find one without holes in it.
  #27  
Old 02-02-2018, 08:50 PM
Morgenstern is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 11,866
You better not mock God like this. If you do, he'll send Satan to the White house disguised as a human, with beady red eyes, flared nostrils, orange hair and little tiny hands. You heathens want that in the White house?
  #28  
Old 02-02-2018, 08:51 PM
Chimera is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In the Dreaming
Posts: 24,689
And the minor godling Chimera did retort, "Eh, if Mr Quatro can't follow simple instructions, then fuck him".
  #29  
Old 02-02-2018, 09:16 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
If Quatro really wants to earn his prophet cred, he needs to lie around in public for a few months cooking his food over burning poop.
  #30  
Old 02-02-2018, 09:23 PM
Chimera is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: In the Dreaming
Posts: 24,689
The Old Testament Prophets, hell, even Jesus and Mohammed stood bravely in front of crowds and preached, even in the midst of opposition.

Samuel may have constantly railed at God for giving him a job that he didn't want to do, but he still did it.

Mr Quatro whines that the mods won't reopen a thread rather than actually making the effort of opening a new one, as several people, myself included, instructed him to do.

He can't be much of a True Prophet of God if he's too lazy and stupid to do the job.
  #31  
Old 02-02-2018, 09:24 PM
Projammer's Avatar
Projammer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: SW Arkansas
Posts: 6,821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Wow, reminds me of another long time poster around here. Wish I could remember his name... Starts with a K I think. (Not Kayaker)
Kanicbird made my ignore list for a while when s/he was in an excessively preachy period.
__________________
Lurking in the corridors of my mind.
  #32  
Old 02-02-2018, 09:37 PM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Speaking of the nutty, I mentioned a while back (I think maybe in OTRU thread?) that I had ran across someone who was banned before my time while browsing the archives who was constantly talking about the paranormal and his NDE, but couldn't remember the name. I just did some searching and dug him up--it is lekatt, and he made Mr Quatro's prophesies sound sane by comparison.
  #33  
Old 02-03-2018, 05:44 AM
Grrr!'s Avatar
Grrr! is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Posts: 16,913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Wow, reminds me of another long time poster around here. Wish I could remember his name... Starts with a K I think. (Not Kayaker)

Quote:
Originally Posted by andros View Post
kanicbird
Thank you! That was driving me nutty!
  #34  
Old 02-03-2018, 08:18 AM
Morgenstern is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 11,866
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me


God lives in Bangkok.
  #35  
Old 02-03-2018, 08:28 AM
Knowed Out's Avatar
Knowed Out is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: North Kakkalakee
Posts: 15,575
So why is his username Mr Quatro? It means "Mister 4." Wouldn't he model himself after the Holy Trinity and be Mr Tres?
  #36  
Old 02-03-2018, 08:29 AM
Loach's Avatar
Loach is offline
The Central Scrutinizer
Moderator
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Pork Roll/Taylor Ham
Posts: 26,173
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
Speaking of the nutty, I mentioned a while back (I think maybe in OTRU thread?) that I had ran across someone who was banned before my time while browsing the archives who was constantly talking about the paranormal and his NDE, but couldn't remember the name. I just did some searching and dug him up--it is lekatt, and he made Mr Quatro's prophesies sound sane by comparison.
I donít know about anymore but lekatt used to have a pretty wide ranging internet presence. He always used the same name and he wrote the same type of posts everywhere.
  #37  
Old 02-03-2018, 08:40 AM
Pantastic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 4,803
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
He can't be much of a True Prophet of God if he's too lazy and stupid to do the job.
I agree, modern day prophets are just whiny and lazy. Moses spent forty years leading his people through the desert, Quatro finds clicking the 'New Thread' button to be too much work for him.

I say this because it's fun to joke about, but it really does weaken his case to be speaking God's message. If I believed that God was personally handing me prophecies of the future, it would be the most important thing in my life. I'd be posting them everywhere that I could as often as I could get away with (getting banned for spamming would hurt me getting the message out), and telling them in person as much as I can while still keeping a job, unless I was able to get enough donations to spread them full time. From what I see of modern 'prophets', though, they don't seem to have any drive, which makes me question whether they really believe it deep down or if they subconsciously realize that they just have a delusion or attention-seeking idea.
  #38  
Old 02-03-2018, 08:50 AM
Pantastic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 4,803
Also, by following this thread in addition to discovering that this is the guy who thinks that recreational sex is not currently legal, I learned that one Supreme Court justice had no known religious affiliation, which I find utterly fascinating.
  #39  
Old 02-03-2018, 09:14 AM
Darren Garrison's Avatar
Darren Garrison is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 13,170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Thank you! That was driving me nutty!
I thought you were making a subtle jab and really knew--who you meant was screaming obvious to me with one letter.
  #40  
Old 02-03-2018, 09:30 AM
Little Nemo is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 85,015
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walken After Midnight View Post
I'd be interested to know what God sounds like.
I think you'd find that God usually sounds exactly like the person claiming to speak on God's behalf.
  #41  
Old 02-03-2018, 10:46 AM
Try2B Comprehensive's Avatar
Try2B Comprehensive is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 6,786
"Silence is the language of the gods."

Last edited by Try2B Comprehensive; 02-03-2018 at 10:47 AM.
  #42  
Old 02-03-2018, 11:20 AM
wolfpup's Avatar
wolfpup is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11,492
Quote:
Originally Posted by Knowed Out View Post
So why is his username Mr Quatro? It means "Mister 4." Wouldn't he model himself after the Holy Trinity and be Mr Tres?
Maybe he's a fan of Audi.

"Those who know Audi know quattro ...
... and once you have driven with quattro, you won't want to drive any other way."

Notice how seamlessly you can substitute "God" for "quattro". That would make a goddam fine TV ad!
  #43  
Old 02-03-2018, 11:47 AM
QuickSilver's Avatar
QuickSilver is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Posts: 20,681
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfpup View Post
Maybe he's a fan of Audi.

"Those who know Audi know quattro ...
... and once you have driven with quattro, you won't want to drive any other way."

Notice how seamlessly you can substitute "God" for "quattro". That would make a goddam fine TV ad!
My 4Matic beats your puny quattro!
__________________
St. QuickSilver: Patron Saint of Thermometers.
  #44  
Old 02-03-2018, 12:30 PM
wolfpup's Avatar
wolfpup is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11,492
Look, if Mr Quatro is an Audi fanboi, it's because God Himself has revealed the truth to Mr Quatro in his divinely inspired dreams. Not the dreams where he's running naked through a field of Scottish thistle being chased by a giant panda, but the one where God personally road tests German AWD vehicles and renders His Judgment. You don't get to be a prophet without this sort of valuable input.
  #45  
Old 02-03-2018, 12:39 PM
The Tooth is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 4,873
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walken After Midnight View Post
I'd be interested to know what God sounds like. I think most people would presume that He speaks in an English accent, but what if He spoke, say, in a French accent? Or does He adjust his accent to make it identical to that of the person He's speaking to?
He speaks Jive, blood.
__________________
"It would never occur to me to wear pink, just as it would never occur to Michael Douglas to play a poor person." - Sarah Vowell
  #46  
Old 02-04-2018, 12:41 AM
kaylasdad99 is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Anaheim, CA
Posts: 32,885
Quote:
Originally Posted by Knowed Out View Post
So why is his username Mr Quatro? It means "Mister 4." Wouldn't he model himself after the Holy Trinity and be Mr Tres?
Maybe he sees himself as the Billy Preston* of the Holy Trinity.


*(as in ďthe fifth BeatleĒ...)
  #47  
Old 02-05-2018, 11:16 PM
DesertDog is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Mesa, Ariz.
Posts: 6,250
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
I'm pretty sure he looks like this.
You're all wrong. He looks like this (the one on the right).
  #48  
Old 02-05-2018, 11:58 PM
eschereal's Avatar
eschereal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Frogstar World B
Posts: 17,170
God is depicted in exquisite detail in Chapter 29 of The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
  #49  
Old 02-06-2018, 12:00 AM
Beckdawrek's Avatar
Beckdawrek is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Boonies??
Posts: 22,104
You can't SEE God, in all the movies he's a disembodied voice booming instructions from on high.
Yea, verily!

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 02-06-2018 at 12:01 AM.
  #50  
Old 02-06-2018, 12:51 AM
The Tooth is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 4,873
Except when he's Alanis Morissette.
__________________
"It would never occur to me to wear pink, just as it would never occur to Michael Douglas to play a poor person." - Sarah Vowell
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:00 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright © 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017