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  #1051  
Old 01-24-2019, 01:31 AM
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A rolling stone.

I can't get no_____.
  #1052  
Old 01-24-2019, 02:52 AM
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... cable service that gets me the channels I want without giving me a bunch that I don't.

Honestly, I wish ...
  #1053  
Old 01-24-2019, 11:24 AM
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I had a daughter named Honesty, to go along with my other daughters, Truth, Charity and Patience.

If you had four daughters, maybe...
  #1054  
Old 01-24-2019, 02:56 PM
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You'd also own a drama meter, cause you're gonna need it.


I read 'Liitle Women' at a time when____.
  #1055  
Old 01-25-2019, 01:23 AM
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... there was nothing good on TV.

I liked the part where ...
  #1056  
Old 01-25-2019, 12:35 PM
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they correctly spelled the word "Little."

People who nitpick about spelling should...
  #1057  
Old 01-26-2019, 08:19 PM
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leave the rest of us alone.
I once knew a mathematician who was on his way to a seminar...
  #1058  
Old 01-26-2019, 08:30 PM
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In a liitle clown car.


His long division was too long for the liitle_______.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 01-26-2019 at 08:31 PM. Reason: Speeling earor
  #1059  
Old 01-27-2019, 12:07 AM
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people, who liitle knew that a particular word would be misspelled yet again.

Meanwhile, in Paducah, Kentucky, the...
  #1060  
Old 01-27-2019, 12:21 AM
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People aren't similar to people in Peoria, at all.

Back in the boonies we_______.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 01-27-2019 at 12:23 AM.
  #1061  
Old 01-27-2019, 01:51 AM
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... don't drive little clown cars.

We drive ...
  #1062  
Old 01-27-2019, 10:59 PM
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a hard bargain when we buy them, too!

If I had my way, every used-car salesman would be...
  #1063  
Old 01-27-2019, 11:08 PM
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Made to go to clown college.


I love the circus because_______.
  #1064  
Old 01-28-2019, 01:35 AM
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…they pay by the week, allow all the cotton candy you can eat, and I’m allowed to brush a woman’s beard.

What I don’t like is one side show barker because he…
  #1065  
Old 01-28-2019, 02:27 AM
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Is hairless, just like his little mangy dog.


I planned on calling the humane society on him but________.
  #1066  
Old 01-28-2019, 11:04 AM
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I forgot the number, and Google was offline all week.

If I ever get a job at Google, I'm gonna...
  #1067  
Old 01-29-2019, 01:13 AM
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…count the searches to see if will reach a googol.

The strangest search will likely be about…
  #1068  
Old 01-29-2019, 01:18 AM
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Mangy hairless dogs, definitely NSFW.
(Oh, the nudity!)


I would rather look for______.
  #1069  
Old 01-29-2019, 04:03 AM
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... Wikipedia entries on chemistry.

Seriously, did you know that sodium ...
  #1070  
Old 01-29-2019, 12:44 PM
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is another word for "salt"? My stars!

In other science news, Pluto is no longer...
  #1071  
Old 01-29-2019, 05:07 PM
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living with Mickey, he’s decided to get his own place.

I think I saw him on a game show recently,
  #1072  
Old 01-29-2019, 07:00 PM
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He's not good on it. Pluto can't play Jeopardy worth a damn.


Altho', Alex cut him slack by_____.
  #1073  
Old 01-30-2019, 12:03 AM
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not correcting any of his many mispronunciations.

Every time I see Alex Trebek I wanna....
  #1074  
Old 02-02-2019, 03:47 AM
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Cry



I also cry when___.
  #1075  
Old 02-02-2019, 07:44 PM
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I think of dearly departed Aunt Martha.

She used to make the best...
  #1076  
Old 02-03-2019, 01:18 AM
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…men at all of her weddings go skinny dipping with her wedding eve.
It came to an end when one of her grooms…
  #1077  
Old 02-03-2019, 01:24 AM
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Remembered he was a former best-man.

Skinny dipping often ends in______.
  #1078  
Old 02-05-2019, 02:01 AM
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...public decency arrests.

The police just don't get it, that nudity is...
  #1079  
Old 02-05-2019, 02:33 AM
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... the way we come into the world.

After that, however ...
  #1080  
Old 02-05-2019, 03:25 AM
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You start with diapers and end in diapers.



Going commando gives me________.
  #1081  
Old 02-05-2019, 07:41 PM
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... less laundry to do the next time I do laundry.

Of course, when I do laundry ...
  #1082  
Old 02-05-2019, 07:58 PM
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I do it fully dressed to the nines.


I like to showing my______.
  #1083  
Old 02-05-2019, 09:34 PM
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... formal wear.

It makes me feel like I'm at ...
  #1084  
Old 02-06-2019, 08:06 PM
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a wedding.

The best wedding toast I ever heard
  #1085  
Old 02-06-2019, 11:58 PM
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... was the one where the speaker complimented the bridesmaids, thanked the groomsmen, and toasted the couple, and then shut up.

At the last wedding I attended, the speaker ...
  #1086  
Old 02-07-2019, 12:00 AM
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Fell in the punch bowl.


The punch was made of______.
  #1087  
Old 02-07-2019, 12:06 AM
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... equal parts of tequila, vodka, rye, gin, and Scotch.

Oh, and some cherry Kool-Aid, because, after all ...
  #1088  
Old 02-07-2019, 02:51 AM
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...it would otherwise improper to give to children.

If I want to sleep for a long time, I...
  #1089  
Old 02-07-2019, 03:14 AM
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Drink that punch. It comes with a built in headache.



For headaches I take______.
  #1090  
Old 02-07-2019, 10:53 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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no guff from nobody, see?

My Uncle Clyde thinks he's a hard-boiled Thirties private eye, but....
  #1091  
Old 02-07-2019, 08:10 PM
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... it's hard to take him seriously when all he can do is a poor Humphrey Bogart impression.

Heck, Uncle Clyde doesn't even have ...
  #1092  
Old 02-07-2019, 09:42 PM
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a fedora and a trenchcoat!

Frankly, when he wears a muumuu and an Alpine hat, it's a little hard to....
  #1093  
Old 02-07-2019, 09:46 PM
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Dance the watusi.


I want to dance when ________.
  #1094  
Old 02-09-2019, 08:05 PM
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I hear the Hokey Pokey.

That song really brings out the
  #1095  
Old 02-10-2019, 01:40 AM
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…philosophers who want to know what it’s all about.

Certainly, my purpose in life is to…
  #1096  
Old 02-10-2019, 01:54 AM
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Eat jello.


My favorite flavor is_______.
  #1097  
Old 02-10-2019, 04:37 PM
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lime because it matches my best suit.

We did Jell-O shots
  #1098  
Old 02-13-2019, 01:26 AM
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... at a frat party, and Bill had a few too many.

I do remember the next morning when Bill ...
  #1099  
Old 02-13-2019, 01:51 AM
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Started drinking again at 9am.

The hair of the dog_____.
  #1100  
Old 02-13-2019, 02:35 AM
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... helped, but eventually the dog bites back.

And in Bill's case ...
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