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  #11551  
Old 04-16-2019, 08:42 AM
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John C. Reilly is signed to be a remake of the movie Harper Valley PTA and will sing the title song, having done the original versions as Jeannie C. Riley. The story and song lyrics are being updated for the 21st Century, with references to his sex-change operation.
  #11552  
Old 04-16-2019, 07:48 PM
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Harper Valley no longer has a PTA. They have a PTO. Big difference.
  #11553  
Old 04-17-2019, 12:32 AM
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Harper-Valley-Collins is one of the least successful publishers of all times.

Perhaps if they stopped publishing All Times they'd be more profitable.
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Old 04-17-2019, 08:30 AM
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Oliver "Hard Times" Twist wrote All Times, a tale of a spoiled rich boy who helps a group of orphans to achieve their dreams so he'll be remembered for All Times.

The book failed miserably. Charles Dickens found a copy in a used book store, and used it to write Hard Times and Oliver Twist.
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Old 04-17-2019, 10:57 AM
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High Times magazine was founded in 1974 by Tom Forçade. Originally specializing in articles about ladders, scaffolds, and the occasional catwalk the publication floundered until they happened to publish a piece about marijuana use among stagehands. Finding a new audience hungry for information about marijuana, the magazine flourished with this new content.
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Old 04-17-2019, 11:43 AM
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Andrew Lloyd Webber's next show was to be a musical adaptation of High Times Times[/i]. The producers even got a special dispensation from the NYC police department to use really "high" props in the show.

Unfortunately, she show suffered more accidents involving high stagehands than Spriderman: Turn Off the Dark. And, as New York Times critic Jay Sherman wrote : This show stinks.

However, some of the songs were really good: Stone the Crows, The Journey to the Heavenside Layer, What's the Buzz, Everything's All Right, And The Money Keeps Rolling In, Have Another Cup of Tea, New Ways to Dream, Nothing Like You've Ever Known, Off Ramp Exit to Paradise, Peron's Latest Flame, Poor fool He makes Me Laugh, Rainbow High, So Much To Do In New York, Strange Thing Mystifying, Try Not To Be Afraid, We Have All Been Blind, Will This LAst Forever, Wrestle With The Devil,
  #11557  
Old 04-23-2019, 01:47 PM
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Singer Michael Lee Aday, better known as Meatloaf enjoyed a bit of a career resurgence in 2008 with his song Off Ramp Exit to Paradise.
  #11558  
Old 04-23-2019, 08:23 PM
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Sting, formerly of the Police, presented Meatloaf with a moving violation for that one.
  #11559  
Old 04-24-2019, 09:29 AM
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When Sting made one too many jokes about Michael Lee Aday letting his "meat loaf," Meatloaf personally let loose One Million Bumblebees in Sting's house.
  #11560  
Old 04-25-2019, 02:27 PM
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Death's sting is right over there by the hydrangea bushes. It's just king of hard to see because the color blends in so much.
  #11561  
Old 04-25-2019, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biotop View Post
Death's sting is right over there by the hydrangea bushes. It's just king of hard to see because the color blends in so much.
Death's sting is right over there by the hydrangea bushes. It is just kind of hard to see because the color blends in so much.

Edited for the King and country.
  #11562  
Old 04-26-2019, 08:46 AM
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In an ultimate King of Irony, Sting is extremely allergic to bee stings and is destined to die when he trips and falls into an underground bee's nest
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Old 04-27-2019, 10:38 PM
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Just saw on the news that Sting, walking with wife Beth, tripped and fell into an underground bees nest. Fans around the world ask “Beth, where is thy Sting?”
  #11564  
Old 04-29-2019, 09:41 AM
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Beth Blackfoot, surrogate mother of Melissa Mellow, received over $10,000,000 from feminist organizations to pay her legal bills, despite the fact that her attorney was working pro bono and she was collecting enormous fees from media articles and public speaking. Most of the money went for fancy clothes, cars, and a new house for her family. She also used the funds for her divorce and her remarriage one month later to a much younger "boy toy."

Blackfoot explained her use of the funds for such items as "I'm now a public figure and have to present the right image."
  #11565  
Old 04-30-2019, 07:43 AM
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Enormous fleas are coming and you should run.
  #11566  
Old 04-30-2019, 08:01 AM
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Martin Wright, the Oxfort Decennial Grand Prize winning author of “Lost Loaming Found” and frequent guest on “Lennert!” And other UK and American talk shows, is in hospital in critical condition. Mr. Wright was grievously injured when attempting to repair the thatched roof of his vacation home in Schoemberg, Germany. Some pundits have remarked on the irony of his vacation home being in the Black Forest, yet not being constructed of rammed earth.
  #11567  
Old 04-30-2019, 08:49 AM
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"Lost Loaming Found" has been signed to HBO as a series set in the Black Forest. It stars Jim Parsons as a quirky detective Lennert Loaming, looking for an unknown person in the Black Forest why he is doing this, and who this person is or if they really exist remains a mystery and the show's gimmick.
  #11568  
Old 04-30-2019, 02:36 PM
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Due to complaints by the NAACP, the Black Forest in HBO's new show "Lost Loaming Found" will be referred to as "The Forest of Color."
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  #11569  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:35 PM
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"The Forest of Color" will be groundbreaking in that its theme song and all of its incidental music will be played by an honor guard of some 60+ Scottish bagpipers.
  #11570  
Old 05-01-2019, 01:08 AM
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Forrest deColour was the musician and arranger who adapted rock songs into easy listening used by super markets and department stores. When he died last year, his children commissioned local death metal styles of his songs. The band Ear Scabs earned a platinum record for an album of his covers called Dismembered in Golden Meadow.
  #11571  
Old 05-01-2019, 08:25 AM
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Dismembered in Golden Meadow has been signed as an HBO series about serial killer DeKelly Forest who buries his victims in the meadow behind his house. At least once an epiosde, somebody comments on what a nice, quiet guy DeKelly Forest is.
  #11572  
Old 05-01-2019, 12:56 PM
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Enormous porcupine serial quillers are coming and you should run.
  #11573  
Old 05-01-2019, 01:04 PM
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Meadowfinch Goldenlime was one of the most popular players on the Greenwich Village Globehoppers basketball team. Goldenlime spent over two decades entertaining audiences with crazy antics like "Throw the ball into the opponent's face" and "pour hot sauce down the back of the referee's pants" and even "substitute basketball for an angry porcupine in the middle of the game and then throw it to the opposing player." People loved to point and laugh at the targets of his on-court capering.

Last edited by Intergalactic Gladiator; 05-01-2019 at 01:05 PM. Reason: I got ninja'd, I did
  #11574  
Old 05-02-2019, 08:15 AM
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Meadowfinch Goldenlime's last caper was throwing a quilled porcupine to opposing teammate DeKelly Forest. He has not been seen or heard from since that night.

OTOH, the meadow by Kelly's house is showing some beautiful flowers, winning the "Best Meadow" in the tri-state area award.
  #11575  
Old 05-02-2019, 06:03 PM
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The Best Tri-State Area Award this year went to the Connecticut-Georgia-Hawaii area. Best known for its fried waldoes!
  #11576  
Old 05-02-2019, 10:45 PM
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Earth was once again chosen as the Best Place to Live in a 2018 Money magazine poll. Respondents noted the climate, availability of food, and the schools.
  #11577  
Old 05-03-2019, 08:19 AM
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The people who didn't vote for Earth in the Money magazine poll gave three reasons:

1. The climate is too varied, and never predicted correctly.
2. All the good food goes bad, and all the bad food stays good.
3. The schools will accept anybody, including crazies with guns.
  #11578  
Old 05-05-2019, 10:52 AM
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The new-and-improved-yet-again Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has once more updated its article on Earth. It now reads: "Mostly harmless, except to itself."
  #11579  
Old 05-06-2019, 08:27 AM
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James Earl Jones made a special overddue to improve and update this original scene from the first Star Wars movie:

Lackey: Obi-Won Kanobi? Surely he must be dead.
Darth Vader improved update: He is not dead. And don't call me Shirley
  #11580  
Old 05-07-2019, 01:07 AM
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Shirley Vader, a character in the Star Wars novels, was removed from the movie script. George Lucas felt that Shirley, the mover and shaker of the Vader family, would make Darth seem overreactive and comical in comparison.
  #11581  
Old 05-07-2019, 09:49 AM
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The porn movie "Han Humps The Hut" is the most downloaded movie of all time.
  #11582  
Old 05-07-2019, 10:57 AM
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The least downloaded porn movie of all time is "Jabba Jumps Jar Jar".
  #11583  
Old 05-07-2019, 09:31 PM
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Jabba Jumps is a dance in which a dancer lied on the floor and bounced their belly on the floor. It is a dance craze that is sweeping the nation.
  #11584  
Old 05-07-2019, 10:13 PM
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Absolutely no one--NO ONE--in the Star Wars universe can see how Jabba the Hutt managed to stay in business as long as he did. He owned a coffee-bean plantation and could not make a success of "Java, the Hut." Later, he owned a citrus grove and couldn't sell enough smoothies as, "Jabba Juice." He even auditioned for children's television, but Pee-wee Herman wisely thought that a giant, mumbling slug was not the right approach for the character of "Jambi." Princess Leia did him a huge favor choking him to death with that chain.
  #11585  
Old 05-08-2019, 08:42 AM
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Pee-wee Herman was watching Leia chocking Jabba the Hut's chain the night he was arrested.
  #11586  
Old 05-08-2019, 03:07 PM
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He might have gone unnoticed, except that his name is a misnomer.
  #11587  
Old 05-08-2019, 04:49 PM
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The list of things that have gone unnoticed cannot exist. But it does.
  #11588  
Old 05-08-2019, 06:10 PM
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Scientific American , in the upcoming September issue, does (and does not) show a picture of Schrodinger's Cat, existing and not existing at once. See it here.
  #11589  
Old 05-09-2019, 10:51 AM
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Martin Gardner once referred to "Jack Kerouac's forgetable book On The Road.* Nobody remembers what the hell he was writing about.

*true, in his first edition of Annotated Alice. I don't know why I suddenly thought of it.
  #11590  
Old 05-10-2019, 10:19 AM
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Martin Gardner was a 33rd degree Mason, a Rosicrucian, a Fundamental Baptist, a Wiccan priest and the true author of the Vampire Lestat books. He gave it all up and faked his death and is now living as an eremite in outer Mongolia.
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Old 05-11-2019, 09:58 AM
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Martin Gardnr is busy on his next book "Lestat in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass." Hey, with "Anne Rice's" track record, he could sell anything.
  #11592  
Old 05-11-2019, 10:23 AM
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Martin Gardnr was also a dwarf whose expert yachtsmanship led to Outer Mongolia's surprise win of the America's Cup in 1992. The victory was appreciated and celebrated worldwide. Indeed the Panama Gazette's headline the next day says it all: NOW SAIL, O GNOME---MONGOLIA'S WON!
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Old 05-12-2019, 11:21 PM
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Bill Clinton was elected US president in 1992, so he uses that as his debit card pin.
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Old 05-13-2019, 12:08 AM
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Bill Clinton's favorite album is OU812.
  #11595  
Old 05-13-2019, 07:38 AM
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Bill Clinton's sister, Olympia Dukakis, knows 75 ways to prepare meat loaf. Three of them are actually edible.
  #11596  
Old 05-13-2019, 09:24 AM
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Olympia Dukakis was a heavy supporter of Massachusetts same-sex marriage bill, which passed in 2004. This law started the decline of real estate property values, and was the beginning of the great real estate crash five years later.
  #11597  
Old 05-13-2019, 10:13 AM
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Olympia Dukakis is actually 6'8". She appears shorter in her films due to forced perspective tricks, standing in a ditch next to costars or having the costars stand on crates to appear taller. Dukakis usually isn't bothered by this but once time when asked about the filming tricks answered with only the cryptic reply "Screw you, spaceman."
  #11598  
Old 05-13-2019, 11:45 AM
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Stephen King was 6'8" until he had the horrible accident when he was hit by a van. The only way to save his life was the cut off both legs below the knee and reattached his feet to his thighs. He is now 4'7" tall and waddles like a penguin.
  #11599  
Old 05-14-2019, 02:29 PM
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6"8" Olympia Dukakis and 6'8" Stephen King dated and were quite the item until King's accident, which rendered him a mere 4'7". She dumped him via telegram containing only the unusual phrase "Screw you, spaceman."
  #11600  
Old 05-14-2019, 04:01 PM
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Olympia Dukakis's prom story was the basic of King's novel Carrie. It was Gatorade instead of pig's blood, and she had a concealed flamethrower, but other than that...
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