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Old 02-27-2019, 08:20 PM
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Vegetarian in-law at carnivore family dinner


My sister-in-law is a vegetarian. The only one in the extended family of 15 or so. Her husband and kids eat meat and all 4 will be attending a family dinner hosted by another family member. Said family member said they would supply chicken and ribs and has asked others to bring various items. Said family member does not prepare or eat fish and has asked sister-in-law to either bring her own protein or eat the salads and other non-meat dishes people are bringing. Is sister-in-law justified in feeling slighted? Does it matter that sister-in-law has also said they won’t be able to bring food because she works that day? She works a 4 hour shift twice a week and everyone else works full time or is at university full time. Does it matter that sister-in-law never hosts such family dinners and insisted that family member invite sister-in-law’s brother, wife, and two kids, who are the only ones not directly related to family member? (That is, family member orignally invited siblings, their partners, and their kids) The sister-in-law’s invited relatives have cheerfully agreed to bring food, including fish for their vegetarian daughter.

Am I overly sensitive to be a little ticked at sister-in-law? Given that my mother has dementia and that situation is weighing heavily on me, I don’t trust my gut reaction these days,which, despite my request for optimistic sci-fi in an earlier thread, is to nuke planet from orbit when I break a pencil point
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:33 PM
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Pescatarian, not vegetarian.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:37 PM
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She self-identifies as vegetarian, though eats fish regularly, and I’m not gonna push it.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:37 PM
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Your annoyance seems justifiable. If she's not willing to bring food, she shouldn't feel slighted. IME, vegetarians or pescatarians quickly learn to fend for themselves.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:40 PM
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Family member could make a three-bean salad to go with the meat & potatoes. Or meat-free chili to put on the hot dogs.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:47 PM
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When I had to do a gluten-free diet for a while, I would attend famil events that always, always, had pasta as the main course and cake for dessert. I would eat the salad. When the daughter of the pasta queen declared herself vegan, I made vegan dishes that she and I would eat and no one else would touch. Pasta mama declared that I shouldn't go out of my way for her daughter and I said that I ate many vegan dishes quite regularly and had learned to enjoy many of them but that I also knew what it felt like to not be given food I could eat at a family gathering as all she ever served was pasta despite my being unable to eat it. She took the comment with surprisingly good grace.

That said, it is on SIL to provide her own food if she chooses a diet that is not mainstream. But it wouldn't hurt you to offer a bean salad as a side dish.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:49 PM
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As long as nobody's being an asshole with the side dishes (like being sneaking bacon into the salad dressing or green beans or something) then they're in the clear.

Somebody could make a three bean salad or something, but so could SIL. In fact, three bean salad is best when made 24 hours in advance.

Nobody owes her tempeh.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:52 PM
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So...SIL and her family are not bringing any food to a family potluck where everyone else is bringing something? And she feels slighted? I would certainly feel irritated with a family member who was bent out of shape because no one would cater to her and she was not willing to help herself out at all.

Now if she was bringing say, an awesome dessert, then I would think she would be somewhat justified in expecting there to be some main dish (veggie chili or lasagna for example) she could eat.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:58 PM
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Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Kropotkin View Post
Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
Then don't waste time on SIL's feelings. That's totally her self-made problem.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:39 PM
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You should be able to find a vegetarian dish from some store near you.

Just do it and move on. You'll waste more time getting steamed over it.
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Kropotkin View Post
Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
As long as the host ensures there is something for everyone to eat, the host is in the clear. That list is plenty to eat. If SIL doesn't like any of that, she can bring a damn cheese sandwich or a tub of hummus for herself. (And I say this as someone who frequently deals with and cooks for groups requiring low-oxalate, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, diabetic- and gout-compliant dishes, sometimes all in the same gathering.)
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Old 02-27-2019, 09:54 PM
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Having been a vegetarian for 10 years, and father of a teenage vegetarian.
1. Host has been great about giving a head's up to SIL that if the sides are insufficient, then she needs to bring something. Ie, we're being accommodating of your lifestyle, and inviting you to join the potluck with a non meat dish
2. SIL could easily pick up a shrimp platter as her contribution
3. SIL could plan ahead and prepare a veggie main that could be shared
4. SIL could put a smile on her face and eat veggie sides if it is too much trouble to bring something to the potluck.

BTW, the above is straight forward, reasonable and polite. You could have people like my mother that would refuse me bringing a veggie dish to a family meal, because she has food for all and it would be insulting to bring a dish. Time and again, the food for all had stuff like chicken stock or "just a little bit of bacon for the bean salad" or somesuch. So, I'd each the mashed potatoes and be pissed off. This is how it often works, and kudos to you folks for not being like that. SIL is being unreasonable
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Old 02-27-2019, 10:10 PM
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As long as the host ensures there is something for everyone to eat, the host is in the clear. That list is plenty to eat. If SIL doesn't like any of that, she can bring a damn cheese sandwich or a tub of hummus for herself. (And I say this as someone who frequently deals with and cooks for groups requiring low-oxalate, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, diabetic- and gout-compliant dishes, sometimes all in the same gathering.)
Jesus, that's quite a list! Does any single dish encompass all so *everyone* gets some?

... and if so can you share it here so maybe OP or SIL can bring it to the next get-together?
(That was my feeble attempt to make my comment not be a hijack)
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Old 02-27-2019, 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Kropotkin View Post
Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
That sounds like an ample selection to me. I'm not vegetarian but I've made supper out of a Greek salad alone on occasion. With the other items available I wouldn't see any reason she should feel slighted. If I were attending a vegetarian dinner, and they had all that, I would be satisfied even as a non-vegetarian.
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Old 02-27-2019, 10:55 PM
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Jesus, that's quite a list! Does any single dish encompass all so *everyone* gets some?

... and if so can you share it here so maybe OP or SIL can bring it to the next get-together?
(That was my feeble attempt to make my comment not be a hijack)
Nah, my usual M.O. is to make a few things so that everyone has at least a couple of things they can eat. People I frequently cook for include:

Tom Scud, who needs a low-oxalate diet for medical reasons but is not remotely fussy other than that (so no spinach, almonds or most other nuts, tea, tahini or other sesame products, chard, sweet potatoes, and a bunch of other things, but those are the main ones)

My BIL, who has diabetes, gout, congestive heart failure, and lactose intolerance, each of which comes with a fairly substantial set of limitations (almost no carbs or sodium among them), and also will not eat cooked vegetables as a rule

A vegetarian family, the parents of whom are my friends for 30+ years, with 2 kids who are anaphylaxis-level allergic to nuts, and the youngest of which is also severely allergic to eggs and dairy (they literally have to keep a nut-free house because their kid has ended up in the ER so many times)

Another friend who doesn't eat gluten or dairy, but will eat pretty much anything other than that

My sister, who doesn't have any bona fide dietary restrictions, but is picky as hell and won't eat any cooked vegetables at all, lamb, fish, or anything more adventurously ethnic than Italian, or any legumes or whole-grain anything, among her other numerous food dislikes and aversions

My mom, who will try most things as long as they aren't spicy at all

Various friends/in-laws with small picky children, but more of the regular picky-kid variety, except that Tom Scud's sister and her family are mostly vegetarian, meaning that if we are together for more than a meal or two (say for a week around the holidays) are basically not going to want to eat any meat more than a couple of times, and if they do eat it, will have a strong preference for it being humanely raised

So a typical menu might include some kind of raw vegetable dish, some very simply cooked poultry, some kind of legume dish, a cooked vegetable dish, a rice or pasta or potato dish, and a dessert which people can either eat or not. It's often easier if anything that isn't meat is vegan. The vegetarian friends with the highly allergic kids, in particular, are awesome about making sure that there is something for the kids to eat, often bringing an extra dish or two or packing food for the younger kids separately; the older one is now college-age and doesn't hang out with us much anymore, so it's not as much of an issue. I try to make sure there is at least something substantial and vegan that the people with actual allergies can eat, like hummus or some other kind of bean/lentil dip or spread, and pita and/or raw veggies.

If I ever get sick of my current day job, maybe I should become a dietician...
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Old 02-27-2019, 11:07 PM
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Another way to keep things relatively simple is to do some kind of assemble-your-own thing like tacos. That way people can just do beans and cheese and veggies, or can add meat if they feel like it. (And with corn tortillas, it can be gluten-free.) You can just make a pot of beans, some grilled marinated chicken if you feel like it, and put out bowls of other stuff like other veggies, salsa, cheese, etc. that are simple to prepare.
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Old 02-27-2019, 11:12 PM
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P.S. Presumably this person would be eating dinner that day whether she were coming to your place or not. Why can't she just bring whatever she would have been making for dinner otherwise? Let her put it in a freaking Crock-Pot before she leaves for work.
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Old 02-27-2019, 11:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Kropotkin View Post
Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
SiL can stop being such a special snowflake. Mind you: I'll admit to having a special hatred for people who insist that words mean what they say they mean, and not what everybody else understands them to mean.

My own 1.SiL is being a PITA regarding food but we're educating her. She can tell us what is it she's not able to eat, we provide appropriate food (that is, food without those ingredients), but she's not allowed to write the menu unless she brings the meal herself. For some reason she expects my mother or 2.Bro to provide duplicate meals, rather than just come up with a menu that's diet-appropriate. People have the right to pass on a dish, specially with the amount of food my family tends to pile up as soon as something's supposed to be a celebration, but not to expect a parallel meal.
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Old 02-28-2019, 02:37 AM
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She is being bloody awful but why are you giving it space in your head? Your brother married her and lives with her and the dinner is at someone else's house. Let the front line troops deal with her as they wish. Go, eat, be merry, love the ones you love, ignore the rest. Sounds like you need a break and she really isn't much of your business.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Kropotkin View Post
Family member who is hosting already ensured other people are bringing Greek salad, green salad, a corn casserole, cheese plate, and potato dish, and another meatless dish of some sort. SIL bailed when requested to bring something. Family member putting out the meat has ‘way less time and less money than SIL and her family unit.
SIL needs to get over herself.

I have dietary limitations which means sometimes I attend a meal where there is little that I can eat. I don't complain, because my diet should not impose unfairly on others, and it's not like I'm starving to death. I can grab a snack before or after the gathering if I'm that desperate As far as bringing something - if SIL is that pressed for time she can stop at a store and get something pre-prepared/packaged to bring. Seems there WILL be something she can eat there.
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Old 02-28-2019, 04:29 AM
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When I have a cookout of the usual burgers and hotdogs kind, and if I know a vegetarian will be there, I try and provide a substitute like a veggie or mushroom burger. A grilled portobello mushroom on a bun can be pretty good actually.

That is if I KNOW they are a vegetarian. If they dont tell me ahead of time what can I do?
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Old 02-28-2019, 05:28 AM
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There were times when I had a very restricted diet. I felt it unfair to impose upon others so said that I would eat what I could but would enjoy the rest vicariously.
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Old 02-28-2019, 06:39 AM
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Yes, SIL is being a pain, but I'm going to say something contrary. If I invite people to come and eat at my house, I make sure everyone is catered for - singling the one vegetarian out for 'bring your own dinner' seems a little mean to me. I'd be embarrassed as a host if I hadn't catered for them.

Mind you, I don't inhabit circles where bringing food is a thing - if I invite people round for food, I provide all the food. They can bring a bottle.
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Old 02-28-2019, 06:47 AM
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And SIL can't bring veggie and dip tray because....?

Just have host put out a jar of pickled herring or something.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:09 AM
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Yes, SIL is being a pain, but I'm going to say something contrary. If I invite people to come and eat at my house, I make sure everyone is catered for - singling the one vegetarian out for 'bring your own dinner' seems a little mean to me. I'd be embarrassed as a host if I hadn't catered for them.
I agree with this if I'm hosting and providing the food. If I'm providing some of the food, and the remainder is pot luck, I would expect all participants to bring something, and I would, as the hose, coordinate with the participants to ensure the person with a special diet has ample options for the meal.

The answer to SIL is that there WILL be fish on the menu, provided by these relatives, along with a variety of vegetarian friendly dishes, provided by these other relatives.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:15 AM
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I'm enjoying the image of a carnivore family dinner, relatives gnawing away with bloody juices dripping down their chins, while vegetarian in-law virtuously pecks at a bowl of minced creamed spinach.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:34 AM
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Yes, SIL is being a pain, but I'm going to say something contrary. If I invite people to come and eat at my house, I make sure everyone is catered for - singling the one vegetarian out for 'bring your own dinner' seems a little mean to me. I'd be embarrassed as a host if I hadn't catered for them.

Mind you, I don't inhabit circles where bringing food is a thing - if I invite people round for food, I provide all the food. They can bring a bottle.

To piggy back off this, I've been a casual vegetarian for 6 years. As someone who shamefully has dinners that consist of "whole bag of chips and nothing else," I certainly have no problem eating sides, or bringing my own food, or just skipping a meal altogether.

On the flip side, the standard in America is that meal = meat, and in 2019 the fact that a family can't fathom putting together a family gathering without meat as the center attraction is... tiring? I think that's the right word. Like, pretend you weren't just doing this to accommodate a single non-blood relative. Could you plan a meat-free meal that would taste good and result in everyone having a good time? The answer is yes, you could, because my family does it all the time. I'm not saying that you have to become vegetarians because of your SIL, but at the same time, planning one meat free gathering shouldn't stop the earth. It should be in your cooking repertoire by now.


Again, not that I would make a stink if meat was the main course at a family event, but planning a meat-free event shouldn't feel like you're making some huge sacrifice either.
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:34 AM
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Just piling on.

Every year a friend of mine hosts a "Festival of Meat." The offerings are truly astounding. But there are enough appetizers, salads, and desserts to satisfy a legion of non-carnies.

As long as there is SOMETHING she can fill up on, she should be happy to be invited - especially since she is failing to contribute with NO GOOD REASON.

In no way is SIL being singled out. How about my situation - I don't care for shellfish. I have been invited places where the main event is lobster, shrimp or something. Everyone acts like it is so wonderful - I'd rather a PBJ, and would likely gag if I tried to eat it. So do I complain? No. I just load up on everything else. If I KNOW in advance that I won't like what is being served, I make sure to eat BEFORE attending, so I don't hit the door famished, and realize that I can always eat immediately after.

SIL is being a PITA. Just ignore her - or mock her among yourselves, depending on how jerky you feel like being!

Did I miss any discussion of the brother/sister - SIL's partner? What their reaction/role in this kerfluffle is?
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:42 AM
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To piggy back off this, I've been a casual vegetarian for 6 years. As someone who shamefully has dinners that consist of "whole bag of chips and nothing else," I certainly have no problem eating sides, or bringing my own food, or just skipping a meal altogether.

On the flip side, the standard in America is that meal = meat, and in 2019 the fact that a family can't fathom putting together a family gathering without meat as the center attraction is... tiring? I think that's the right word. Like, pretend you weren't just doing this to accommodate a single non-blood relative. Could you plan a meat-free meal that would taste good and result in everyone having a good time? The answer is yes, you could, because my family does it all the time. I'm not saying that you have to become vegetarians because of your SIL, but at the same time, planning one meat free gathering shouldn't stop the earth. It should be in your cooking repertoire by now.


Again, not that I would make a stink if meat was the main course at a family event, but planning a meat-free event shouldn't feel like you're making some huge sacrifice either.
Agreed, and planning a mixed meat/fish/veggie meal is hardly unusual these days (I don't advocate forcing 15 meat eaters to bow to one vegetarian). I can imagine that the US is a little more meat obsessed, but in the UK, most under 50s of my acquaintance are cutting down on their meat intake and are happily eating vegetarian or fish at least a few meals per week. With this shift in eating habits, I habitually put on dinners which allow for that fact that some people may be vegetarian - or may just not fancy meat that time. Sharing plates are a great way to cater for all tastes. Takes away the whole 'What do we do with the veggie!!' panic.

Last edited by SanVito; 02-28-2019 at 07:44 AM.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:09 AM
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We had a couple of kids (twins) in our extended family who were vegetarians for 25 years. Get togethers are always potluck as we have 25+ people at any gathering. Someone always made a vegetarian entree in token of this. Cheese lasagne or something. To be deliberately inhospitable to a family member seems pretty darn rude. Although it seems the person in question has other issues. Maybe she already feels slighted, and would appreciate this expression of good will.

Commonly, people who have a chip on their shoulder like this are hoping that someone will see their need and fill it, although they are pre-angrified because they were slighted in the past. Getting self-righteous right back seems juvenile to me.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:10 AM
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My sister-in-law is a vegetarian..... Does it matter that sister-in-law never hosts such family dinners and insisted that family member invite sister-in-law’s brother, wife, and two kids, who are the only ones not directly related to family member? (That is, family member orignally invited siblings, their partners, and their kids) The sister-in-law’s invited relatives have cheerfully agreed to bring food, including fish for their vegetarian daughter.

Am I overly sensitive to be a little ticked at sister-in-law? Given that my mother has dementia and that situation is weighing heavily on me, I don’t trust my gut reaction these days,which, despite my request for optimistic sci-fi in an earlier thread, is to nuke planet from orbit when I break a pencil point
Is your problem the pesca/vegi SiL or the fact she shoehorned in an invite for her family to what was a dinner for your family? and are you more concerned with how dear ole mom is going to handle a largish gathering? SiL can be told to fend for herself or stay home or have dinner with her brother if the offerings aren't to her satisfaction. As others have said, unless you are miles from anywhere, almost any grocer not far out of her way has a deli tray she can grab on her way over. Reading between the comments and it seems you are more concerned about any issues popping up that will set mom off.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:47 AM
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You should be able to find a vegetarian dish from some store near you.

Just do it and move on. You'll waste more time getting steamed over it.
OP is neither the host nor the one with the food restriction. Why should the OP have to bring something special for another guest?
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:51 AM
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You could have people like my mother that would refuse me bringing a veggie dish to a family meal, because she has food for all and it would be insulting to bring a dish. Time and again, the food for all had stuff like chicken stock or "just a little bit of bacon for the bean salad" or somesuch. So, I'd each the mashed potatoes and be pissed off.
Wow that is super shitty. My wife is vegetarian (ovo-lacto if you want to get specific) and it took a few conversations with my mother to get her to not do stuff like make a breakfast casserole and just not put the Canadian bacon in one corner of the thing and think that was fine. Thankfully she has now learned and no longer just tosses bacon bits on the salad but rather puts a bowl of them next to the salad. Nobody has ever complained about that, and it's a simple accommodation that works for everyone.

And my wife always, always either brings something she knows she can eat (to share) or eats a few small meals ahead of time. No one is ever insulted that she makes the effort to take care of herself. Seems an odd thing to get offended about if you ask me, but I'm not your mother.
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Old 02-28-2019, 10:29 AM
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My family includes vegetarians, lactose-intolerants, gluten avoiders, MSG allergics, and low carbers. I'm not joking. Whomever is hosting a given gathering is not expected to accommodate all dietary restrictions, but reasonable efforts are made.

Some bring their own safe stuff, others pick and choose from what is available. Nobody fusses.


mmm
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:12 AM
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Good lord, if you can't/won't eat what's provided at the shindig, you find a way to bring your own stuff or make do with what is available. That's simple etiquette regardless of why it is you're not eating the food provided.

I'm pretty accustomed to premaking food for family events. My husband is mostly vegetarian and lunch is his primary meal. When we go visit my mom - who can't imagine a meal without a chunk of meat and whose primary meal of the day is dinner - I make a few curries, pack 'em up and bring them with me. Then we have pre-prepared lunches everyone can enjoy if they want, I don't have to take up the kitchen to make something special and everyone's happy. My husband still eats dinner, but eats small amounts and no one cares.

The SIL is making herself an unnecessary pain in the ass and most places have premade meatless meals you can grab on the go. Plus, it sounds as though there will be plenty of options should she not have time to pick something up, so she needs to sit down and stop being a prima donna.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:18 AM
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The SIL is making herself an unnecessary pain in the ass and most places have premade meatless meals you can grab on the go. Plus, it sounds as though there will be plenty of options should she not have time to pick something up, so she needs to sit down and stop being a prima donna.

This seems a bit hostile considering the only behavior that the OP attributes to the sister in law is that she "feels slighted," presumably because the host made no effort to accommodate their guest.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:23 AM
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This seems a bit hostile considering the only behavior that the OP attributes to the sister in law is that she "feels slighted," presumably because the host made no effort to accommodate their guest.
Did you miss the part where the SIL refuses to make anything to bring for herself because she's so burdened with a 4-hour shift that day, after already working a 4-hour shift that same week? Poor baby!

The family asked her to provide for herself or eat what's there, and she's making zero effort to prepare food for herself, so she has no right whatsoever to feel slighted.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:30 AM
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Did you miss the part where the SIL refuses to make anything to bring for herself because she's so burdened with a 4-hour shift that day, after already working a 4-hour shift that same week? Poor baby!

The family asked her to provide for herself or eat what's there, and she's making zero effort to prepare food for herself, so she has no right whatsoever to feel slighted.
Yes, yes, I'm sure she stamped her feet and threw a tantrum and said, "no No NO! I will NOT make my own food."


We're getting one side of the story, we have no idea how bratty she's really being, but inviting someone to your house for dinner knowing that they're not going to eat what you're making and expecting them to just forage for themselves is bad manners, and I can understand feeling slighted. Being an in-law is tough, and if no one even bothers to make an effort after extending an invitation, it can feel like a nonvitation.

eta: This isn't about the calories.

Last edited by steronz; 02-28-2019 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:35 AM
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I get this kind of exclusion all the time. I have adopted a strict diet of medium rare rib-eye steaks, loaded baked potatoes and braised asparagus with bacon crumbles and Asiago cheese. Yet never have any of my relatives met my meticulous dietary needs and I'm forced to eat whatever they are serving.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:40 AM
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I'd just roll my eyes at SIL. There are plenty of options for her to eat.

But, as a guest, inviting 4 other people to a family function? That's just tacky.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:40 AM
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We're getting one side of the story, we have no idea how bratty she's really being, but inviting someone to your house for dinner knowing that they're not going to eat what you're making and expecting them to just forage for themselves is bad manners, and I can understand feeling slighted.
Nowhere does the OP say SIL is expected to "forage for themselves," she has been invited and asked to either "bring her own protein or eat the salads and other non-meat dishes people are bringing." She HAS been more than adequately accommodated, just not to her satisfaction, and that is objectively "bratty" in my book.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:48 AM
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This seems a bit hostile considering the only behavior that the OP attributes to the sister in law is that she "feels slighted," presumably because the host made no effort to accommodate their guest.
Fair enough. That said, it doesn't seem like it should be such a hardship to make do or pick something up you like on the way. I don't understand why she would feel slighted when someone has already made the effort to reach out to her and let her know, "Hey, we've tried to make sure there's something there for you, though please bring your own if you need something else," particularly when the OP indicated that she's never made an effort to host a gathering herself.

But to your point, we don't know her side of the story. Not knowing more, if I were in the OP's position, I'd be rolling my eyes in exasperation.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:01 PM
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She HAS been more than adequately accommodated, just not to her satisfaction, and that is objectively "bratty" in my book.
But in what sense has she been adequately accommodated? In terms of getting calories, sure, but in terms of being made to feel welcome there's room for improvement. IMHO.

I don't even like portobello burgers to be honest, but when people go out of their way to provide them at cookouts I always eat one and make sure to thank them. It's a nice gesture.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:10 PM
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We're getting one side of the story, we have no idea how bratty she's really being, but inviting someone to your house for dinner knowing that they're not going to eat what you're making and expecting them to just forage for themselves is bad manners, and I can understand feeling slighted.
That's not at all what is described in the OP. There's plenty of food that a vegetarian can eat. In fact, if I were attending a dinner at a true vegetarian's house (not a pescatarian) that's all I would be expected to be served anyway.

I prefer beer to wine. Some of my friends only drink wine. Sometimes they may have some beer on hand for me, but if I want to be sure I bring my own. I certainly don't feel slighted if I am offered only wine.

Last edited by Colibri; 02-28-2019 at 12:13 PM.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:11 PM
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That's not at all what is described in the OP. There's plenty of food that a vegetarian can eat. In fact, if I were attending a dinner at a true vegetarian's house (not a pescatarian) that's all I would be expected to be served anyway.
Contrary to popular belief, we don't just eat salads and sides.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:23 PM
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But in what sense has she been adequately accommodated? In terms of getting calories, sure, but in terms of being made to feel welcome there's room for improvement. IMHO.
So she gets to dictate the menu to the hosts? She eats fish. The host does not, so they have requested she eat the other non-meat dishes or prepare and bring her own fish. That is by any measure a reasonable accommodation. She refuses to do so. She's the one making herself unwelcome, not everyone else.

If YOU are the person with the problem, YOU need to solve it on your own and NOT expect the rest of the world to kowtow to your personal choices. And if she's feeling that unwelcome, she doesn't have to go.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:31 PM
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So she gets to dictate the menu to the hosts?
They're the ones who invited her. You don't find it all unwelcoming to say to someone, "Hey, come over to my house for dinner! But I'm making something I know you won't eat, so bring your own dinner or make due with the sides." I dunno man, you do you but I wouldn't put a guest in that situation.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:34 PM
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Contrary to popular belief, we don't just eat salads and sides.
Maybe it's just how I eat, but "sides" and "entree" is really pretty arbitrary. I don't have any problem with the idea of making a meal out of a potato dish, a corn casserole, and a couple different sides. Why would that be "unwelcoming"? It sounds like it's going to be a long buffet with lots of choices. No one is going to like everything, but everyone will have several things to chose from.

What makes something an "entree"? I am not being snarky--that's a serious question.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:36 PM
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I dunno man, you do you but I wouldn't put a guest in that situation.
When I invite people to my house I say, "This is what we're serving. If you don't want that, bring something else, or don't come." A reasonable adult does not then shoot back with, "If you're not going to serve X, then I'm feeling unwelcome and I'm going to pout unless I get my way! Boo hoo!" And if they do, you're god damned right they're not fucking welcome.
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