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  #51  
Old 02-28-2019, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by DCnDC View Post
When I invite people to my house I say, "This is what we're serving. If you don't want that, bring something else, or don't come." A reasonable adult does not then shoot back with, "If you're not going to serve X, then I'm feeling unwelcome and I'm going to pout unless I get my way! Boo hoo!" And if they do, you're god damned right they're not fucking welcome.
When you decide "this is what we're serving" do you take into account the pleasure and comfort of your guests? Or is it just whatever you're in the mood for and damn their preferences?

"I'm gonna invite my friend Bob over for dinner, I know he's lactose intolerant but I really like cheese quesadillas so that's what I'm making. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to accept the invite or he can bring his own food." That seem OK to you?

Last edited by steronz; 02-28-2019 at 12:41 PM.
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:53 PM
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"I'm gonna invite my friend Bob over for dinner, I know he's lactose intolerant but I really like cheese quesadillas so that's what I'm making. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to accept the invite or he can bring his own food." That seem OK to you?
If you're just going to keep throwing out extreme examples then we have nothing to discuss. But I'll address it.

If Bob is the only one invited, of course not, that would be openly hostile and you know it. This is not that situation.

There are over a dozen people invited to this event, is the host supposed to serve everyone's favorite individual meal because that's their "pleasure and comfort" or should everyone not be a fucking child? Not everything in life is going to go your way. You can either suck it up and eat what's there and have a nice evening, or you can prepare your own food and eat that and have a nice evening, or you can be a fucking child and throw a tantrum because you're too fucking lazy and selfish to do either of those things. THAT seem okay to you?
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Old 02-28-2019, 12:58 PM
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When you decide "this is what we're serving" do you take into account the pleasure and comfort of your guests? Or is it just whatever you're in the mood for and damn their preferences?

"I'm gonna invite my friend Bob over for dinner, I know he's lactose intolerant but I really like cheese quesadillas so that's what I'm making. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to accept the invite or he can bring his own food." That seem OK to you?
It's also a potluck where SIL refuses to bring anything, claiming she doesn't have time due to her job. Despite the fact that she works only a few hours a week, while the others have full time jobs.
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Old 02-28-2019, 01:01 PM
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Nowhere does the OP say SIL is expected to "forage for themselves," she has been invited and asked to either "bring her own protein or eat the salads and other non-meat dishes people are bringing." She HAS been more than adequately accommodated, just not to her satisfaction, and that is objectively "bratty" in my book.
What you are describing is exactly "having to forage." She has to try and pick out a meal from several side dishes. There is no meal for her provided. But there is a meal for everyone else provided.

If this were potluck, then I'd have a different opinion. People just bring what they bring and you make do. Foraging is just what you do at a potluck. But the OP describes people being told to bring things. It's still a planned meal, and they are specifically not planning a main dish for the vegetarian, telling her that, if she wants one, she has to bring it herself.

That to me definitely seems like a slight. It's like bringing presents for everyone at a Christmas party, but telling someone else they'll only get party favors, and that, if they want something, they can bring their own gift. The whole point of bringing food is that you're doing so for the other people.

The only reason I don't conclude that the host doesn't dislike SIL is the dementia issue, which is relevant. That said, if my mother had dementia and I knew this meant that someone else I cared about felt slighted by something she did, I'd try to make amends.

Spiderman asks why I should have to bring something. I don't, but I would, because it's crappy to make people feel left out. I'd even lie and pretend that the host told to bring it, just to smooth over feathers. I know what it's like to feel like the odd one out due to dietary issues, and I would not wish that on anyone.

It's not for me to judge whether SIL's feelings are right or wrong: all feelings are valid. As long as SIL isn't being rude about it, there's nothing wrong with that.

I can't comment on the other issues the OP brought up, because they seem to be painting SIL in a bad light, so I don't know if they are really insisting that their family come, or if it's just they asked and were told it was okay. My mom's family started coming with us to our family dinners with my grandparents after a while, and it was entirely mutual.

How much money they have or what job they have is irrelevant in this instance, though I can see how expressing anger when you are better off than others might feel like not checking your privilege, and might be a separate reason not to like SIL. I do not judge the OP for not liking SIL, just that not liking them leads to less favorable interpretations.

It sounds to me like SIL has issues with feeling that the family doesn't like her. Her own family had to bring a main dish. Yeah, that would bug me, too. The only thing is that I probably wouldn't tell anyone about it and just put on a stiff upper lip. But that's just because it would be more important to me to avoid any fights in the family.

That's just what you do, unless they are so bad that it is impossible.
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Old 02-28-2019, 01:03 PM
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If you're just going to keep throwing out extreme examples then we have nothing to discuss. But I'll address it.

If Bob is the only one invited, of course not, that would be openly hostile and you know it. This is not that situation.

There are over a dozen people invited to this event, is the host supposed to serve everyone's favorite individual meal because that's their "pleasure and comfort" or should everyone not be a fucking child? Not everything in life is going to go your way. You can either suck it up and eat what's there and have a nice evening, or you can prepare your own food and eat that and have a nice evening, or you can be a fucking child and throw a tantrum because you're too fucking lazy and selfish to do either of those things. THAT seem okay to you?
Well this isn't about "favorite individual meals," the point is that she's family and everyone knows about her dietary preferences. As you admit, if she were the only one invited and they just decided to make chicken and ribs with some salad and sides that would be openly hostile. If there were 100 people invited I think you can excuse them for not being accommodating to a single person. But where's the line?

I'd disagree that there's any evidence of her being a "fucking child" and throwing a tantrum. Of course that would not be OK, if I have to address your extreme example
  #56  
Old 02-28-2019, 01:05 PM
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It's also a potluck where SIL refuses to bring anything, claiming she doesn't have time due to her job. Despite the fact that she works only a few hours a week, while the others have full time jobs.
Presumably she's also a full time mom of two. I want to know why her husband can't do any cooking. It's his family, can he not make something?
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Old 02-28-2019, 01:10 PM
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Presumably she's also a full time mom of two. I want to know why her husband can't do any cooking. It's his family, can he not make something?
Well, presumably, he's a full-time dad of two (and I'd think has full-time other job as well since someone has to earn the money). I don't agree with women having to do all the cooking (or social planning, or especially gift-buying). But I never really thought of "it's his family" dictating cooking the way I really think it should with gift-buying. Though, of course, couples may decide to have one bread-winner and one homemaker and duties be divided accordingly for the most part.

Here's a question - would any non-fish dish do for a main course? Or is it fish or nothing from the people who actually bring food? Because "fish only" is a lot narrower and more demanding than "non-meat only." Though I do, as others do, say fish is meat, just of a different subgroup.
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Old 02-28-2019, 01:40 PM
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If you're just going to keep throwing out extreme examples then we have nothing to discuss. But I'll address it.

If Bob is the only one invited, of course not, that would be openly hostile and you know it. This is not that situation.

There are over a dozen people invited to this event, is the host supposed to serve everyone's favorite individual meal because that's their "pleasure and comfort" or should everyone not be a fucking child? Not everything in life is going to go your way. You can either suck it up and eat what's there and have a nice evening, or you can prepare your own food and eat that and have a nice evening, or you can be a fucking child and throw a tantrum because you're too fucking lazy and selfish to do either of those things. THAT seem okay to you?
It's not irrelevant at all. It's a direct response to what you had just said. You said that, if you ever invite anyone over, you simply tell them what you are serving, and they either come or don't. You specifically said you would do the very thing you now say is hostile. It seems now that you misspoke.

This post is also adding a ton of stuff that is not part of the scenario. No one is saying that the host must provide everyone's favorite dish. And no one has said that the SIL was crying, throwing a temper tantrum, or even being childish.

In fact, it's unclear to me what SIL has done that let OP know that she was unhappy. We just know she feels slighted. For all we know, this was just through the family grapevine, where she happened to tell someone who told someone.

We have no way at all to judge how upset SIL actually is, let along how she expressed this feeling. People just assume she must be doing horrible things.
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Old 02-28-2019, 06:32 PM
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This should be no big deal in either direction.

If I was hosting and serving the main protein potion of the meal and I knew one person ate no meat no big deal to throw a veggie burger or salmon burger on the grill along with the chicken and ribs. Small thing to do.

If I was the no meat person dang also no big deal. Buy something to bring if neither I or spouse can prepare something or just get by with the many sides available.

Do these people have a history of bad blood that they are looking to be annoyed by and to annoy each other?
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Old 02-28-2019, 07:46 PM
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OP is neither the host nor the one with the food restriction. Why should the OP have to bring something special for another guest?
what is presented for consumption is from the perspective of the host. If it's potluck then it's up to the host to coordinate what is brought. If it's not potluck then it's up to the host to produce food people will eat.

If you're going to invite a vegan who is allergic to nuts and gluten then you provide food that fits the bill.
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:25 PM
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If you're going to invite a vegan who is allergic to nuts and gluten then you provide food that fits the bill.
I disagree.

Being a vegan is a choice, and no one should be expected to accommodate that.

Also, only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy.

Your scenario is quite unlikely.
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Old 02-28-2019, 10:33 PM
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... only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy. ...
While your factoid is inconsistent with the actual data (according to that recent JAMA article it's really about 11% with 19% believing they are) let's just go with your figure. I'd say it like this:

Almost one in twenty adults have a real food allergy!!!!! (Again in reality over twice that.)

That means that at most reasonable dinner gatherings there is likely to be someone with a food allergy present.

No, the rest of the world shouldn't have to go to extreme lengths to accommodate that but a host who knows of a food allergy (or even a strongly held food belief) that an invited guest has and can't be arsed to make a tiny effort to provide to an acceptable option is not the sort of host I was taught to be by my parents anyway.
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Old 03-01-2019, 12:34 AM
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While your factoid is inconsistent with the actual data (according to that recent JAMA article it's really about 11% with 19% believing they are) let's just go with your figure. I'd say it like this:
Thank you. Your data is more up to date than mine.

That said, I see no reason to accommodate mere "food beliefs".
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Old 03-01-2019, 02:09 PM
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If you are hosting a dinner party during which you intend to feed your guests, you should certainly take said guests' dietary restrictions into account, and serve everybody something they are able to eat.

However, what you described in the OP sounds more like an informal pot-luck type of gathering, and indeed, if SIL is the only person not bringing a dish, she has no right to complain about the offerings.

Of course, that doesn't mean she won't complain, and and if she does, my advice is to be very pleasant and polite, smile a lot, and offer to open a can of beans or something for her. Don't apologize but don't escalate either. Not worth it.
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Old 03-03-2019, 03:28 AM
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Storm in a potluck


As if I should care, and I don't know the family so my comments are a shot in the dark, but as I understand it, you have a guest who is a vegetarian and is working on the day in question. Is she expected to bring food to the party? (Bought or made, main or dessert.) That apart, I would have thought that most people nowadays have dietary preferences or requirements that differ from the norm. If I had visitors who were vegetarians, I would arrange to provide a vegetarian main dish, guaranteed non-meat. It's not difficult.

Beyond that, families can be turbulent enough, so why not figure out a way to defuse the situation at a family gathering? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.
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Old 03-03-2019, 09:47 AM
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I disagree.

Being a vegan is a choice, and no one should be expected to accommodate that.

Also, only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy.

Your scenario is quite unlikely.
Yes, being a vegan is a choice. So is hosting a party. The polite thing to do is accommodate the people invited.
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Old 03-03-2019, 11:53 AM
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This is slightly different from the OP, but still related.

I work in a cafe located in the public library. The place is not part of the library but a seperate, for-profit business. Our arrangement with the library is that all events scheduled in-house that want food have to order from us, but we cannot cater off-premises.

So many people who order do not seem to understand we are a business, not a public utility. When they order catering for a dinner, we are told one attendee is vegan, one vegetarian, another gluten free, and so on. They are told to eat the salad, veggies, or whatever part of what is ordered fits the particular diet. But some still want full seperate meals for all these, and do not understand why we can not accomodate them. For one thing it costs extra, which they do not want to pay for. Folks just do not understand the economics of food service.

We provide as much as we can to fit special diets but sometimes those ordering get testy when they do not think it is enough.

Folks who say they are hyper sensitive, and are vegan, gluten free, and allergic to this and that, mostly can eat only simple veggies, but they expect us to go out and find more appealing options.

And do not get me started on sugar free. We have tried selling sugar free options and almost nobody buys them. There is one lady who still gets pissy when she comes in and can not get sugar free. Then she goes ahead and buys two cookies.
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Old 03-03-2019, 03:24 PM
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Maybe it's just how I eat, but "sides" and "entree" is really pretty arbitrary. I don't have any problem with the idea of making a meal out of a potato dish, a corn casserole, and a couple different sides. Why would that be "unwelcoming"? It sounds like it's going to be a long buffet with lots of choices. No one is going to like everything, but everyone will have several things to chose from.

What makes something an "entree"? I am not being snarky--that's a serious question.
I agree -- what's an entrée or a side is pretty arbitrary. The only distinction I'd consider relevant is whether the dish contains some form of protein -- but even that is pretty arbitrary.

The OP said that one family member was bringing a Greek salad. I've seen that listed as an entrée at more than one restaurant. I suspect the corn casserole is hearty enough to be called an entrée, too. So maybe the SIL can bring a casserole of macaroni and cheese -- listed as an entrée in many restaurants and a side in many others. She can call it a side if she feels slighted that she's the only one except the host family bringing an entrée, but eat it as her entrée.

What's her brother bringing? He should definitely bring a dish. If he brings a dish of eggplant parmesan, problem solved -- no?
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Old 03-05-2019, 06:58 PM
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Update....


Thanks to everybody who weighed in...much to, um, chew on, here. A couple of clarifications. Everyone brought a dish in a quantity to feed everyone. There was enough Greek salad for Odysseus and his crew for the whole voyage, enough twice-stuffed potatoes to alleviate the Irish famine, and 10 other dishes, each of which could (and has) constituted a meal in itself at chez Kropotkin. SIL didn’t tell her kids (20 and 21) about the dinner until the day before, that is, long after they had made other plans. She told her husband 2 days before, and told him she volunteered him to make ribs for everyone, insisting he use his smoker, which is a 4-6 hour commitment. It’s not brain surgery, but neither can you leave the premises. Said husband (my wife’s husband, I have no DNA in this game) works full time at a moderately high stress job, logs a lot of overtime, does most of the cleaning and shopping and at least half the cooking during the week. This is cheerfully related by the SIL, BTW. Oh, and if given the choice, would politely and cheerfully and respectfully decline to attend big family dinners of this sort. He cooked up a ton of delicious ribs. The other family member had already said, we’ll do ribs and chicken, but whatever.

SIL in announced the day before that she was going to go to a dinner put on by people at work instead.

To be clear, I’m not outraged, mostly thinking, “there’s something about this that is kinda weird,” and asked Dopers whether my shit-detector needs to recalibrated. 20 years ago it was vaguely amusing when SIL showed up at the family camping trip not with the food she’d offered to bring (milk for the kids and a salad) but with a bag of red peppers and no idea of what to do with them.This time, it was less amusing and more...kinda weird. I admit, my own family situation is complicated and may skew my judgement, thus I really appreciate people taking the time to comment and help with recalibration.

Oh, and several people noted it was one of the best dinners and most pleasant family get-togethers in recent memory. Even husband of SIL enjoyed himself and stayed much longer than usual. Hmm....
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Old 03-05-2019, 07:19 PM
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Yes, being a vegan is a choice. So is hosting a party. The polite thing to do is accommodate the people invited.
I disagree. A dinner party is not a restaurant. Guests don't dictate the menu.
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Old 03-05-2019, 08:28 PM
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I disagree. A dinner party is not a restaurant. Guests don't dictate the menu.
Well if you’re inviting people for a meal, and can’t be arsed to plan the menu to include items they can eat (and enjoy even!) then you’re a shit host.
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Old 03-06-2019, 06:53 AM
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Oh, and several people noted it was one of the best dinners and most pleasant family get-togethers in recent memory. Even husband of SIL enjoyed himself and stayed much longer than usual. Hmm....
It's clear from your posts that you loathe this woman. I figure one of two things is true, either she really is a toxic human being and you're all justified in being resentful of her presence in your family. Or she senses that her entire husband's family hates her and it makes for a feedback loop of awkward family gatherings that end up making her behavior more inexplicable as she struggles to deal with the underlying hostility. I don't know. I suppose both are equally plausible.

What's clear is that this situation has nothing to do with vegetarians and proper dinner party etiquette.

Last edited by steronz; 03-06-2019 at 06:54 AM.
  #73  
Old 03-06-2019, 07:53 AM
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I disagree. A dinner party is not a restaurant. Guests don't dictate the menu.
I disagree. If you invite someone over, IMO, you're expected to cater not just to his food restrictions, but also to his preferences.

Thing is, nowadays, there isn't anymore the strict etiquette, that, in the past, would allow everybody to know what is expected of them, and whether they should feel slighted or not. Which means that both parties can walk out feeling wronged because they have entirely different views and expectations about what is a proper behavior and what isn't.

So, there's no way to tell which of us is right and whether you're a poor host or I'm a poor guest.
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Old 03-06-2019, 08:23 AM
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Well if you’re inviting people for a meal, and can’t be arsed to plan the menu to include items they can eat (and enjoy even!) then you’re a shit host.
Seems to me the menu included vast quantities of things a vegetarian can eat and enjoy.

The fact that vegetarian friendly foods were not prepared by the person who owned the property the dinner took place in, does not make them shit hosts. From the initial description of the event, this was an all-hands dinner, with the "guests" providing substantial portions of the menu. In that case, the "host" should at most be responsible for ensuring that of the totality of the food being offered, that a sufficient portion accommodate the vegetarian's needs, and I believe that was done.
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Old 03-06-2019, 09:38 AM
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If I was hosting and serving the main protein potion of the meal and I knew one person ate no meat no big deal to throw a veggie burger or salmon burger on the grill along with the chicken and ribs. Small thing to do.
I totally agree. I do this all the time for my vegetarian daughter. But the last time a FOAF mentioned she was vegan and I told her I could toss a veggie burger on the grill, that wasn't good enough. She wanted the grill scrubbed and her vegan item cooked solo. I told her that wouldn't happen, so she begged off.
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Old 03-06-2019, 10:45 AM
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Yeah, you're absolutely justified. But your justified anger isn't hurting the target of your wrath.

The oldest boy's girlfriend is vegan, and he came home from college with her. We tried at Thanksgiving, but the delicious dish we prepared for her (I don't even remember what it was now--something with yams, maybe) had cheese in it, so she couldn't eat it. We felt so bad, even though we had literally two days notice, but she was a sweetheart about the whole thing.

But we got on the ball for Christmas. Found a couple of good vegan recipes she liked. Also found some microwavable vegan snacks ("chicken" nuggets and Swedish "meatballs") that she could munch on if she got hungry for something else.

It's never crossed my mind to suggest that the kids bring something for the table, but it sounds like a good idea for next Thanksgiving. Even if he's not with her then, he should learn to make the effort.
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Old 03-06-2019, 11:16 AM
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I'm confused. The vegetarian brought ribs?
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Old 03-24-2019, 08:15 AM
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This question (reworded a bit) has appeared in Carolyn Hax, for anyone who wants to read her (or WaPo readers) opinions on it.

Last edited by Tzigone; 03-24-2019 at 08:17 AM.
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Old 03-24-2019, 10:21 AM
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This question (reworded a bit) has appeared in Carolyn Hax, for anyone who wants to read her (or WaPo readers) opinions on it.
I'm not registering and paying to read the article. Paraphrase or sample quotes?
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Old 03-24-2019, 10:33 AM
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I'm lactose intolerant. So much food, particularly at holidays, has butter or milk or cheese or.....

Anyway, I don't expect others to cook special for me and in fact it's often more annoying when people make a big deal about my issues. Just make what you make and I'll bring my own food, pick the things I can eat, or heaven forbid maybe I just don't eat much if anything. Surely the world will collapse around me. I can almost always find something and I'm my own responsibility.

I have food issues. It's up to me to cater to those when I'm the odd man out. Your SIL needs to get over herself. Her happiness is up to her and noone else.
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Old 03-24-2019, 11:19 AM
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I like to host meals, and I pride myself in providing food everyone can enjoy. The vegan gluten-free dessert was a challenge. (I made fruit salad.) The only time I bailed on providing a full meal for everyone was when my vegan friend also needed food to be kosher for passover. She offered to bring her own entree, and I said, "yes, thanks."

When I've hosted a wedding or bar mitzvah for scores of people, I made sure the vegetarians and vegans were accommodated. Also the people with various food sensitivities.

I'm also a picky eater, and I often have to "forage" at parties, and if it's a potluck, I make sure to bring something I can eat if I don't like the food there.

All that being said:
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She is being bloody awful but why are you giving it space in your head? Your brother married her and lives with her and the dinner is at someone else's house. Let the front line troops deal with her as they wish. Go, eat, be merry, love the ones you love, ignore the rest. Sounds like you need a break and she really isn't much of your business.
This.

You know, this really rubbed me the wrong way:
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Originally Posted by steronz View Post
...On the flip side, the standard in America is that meal = meat, and in 2019 the fact that a family can't fathom putting together a family gathering without meat as the center attraction is... tiring? I think that's the right word. Like, pretend you weren't just doing this to accommodate a single non-blood relative. Could you plan a meat-free meal that would taste good and result in everyone having a good time? The answer is yes, you could, because my family does it all the time. I'm not saying that you have to become vegetarians because of your SIL, but at the same time, planning one meat free gathering shouldn't stop the earth. It should be in your cooking repertoire by now.


Again, not that I would make a stink if meat was the main course at a family event, but planning a meat-free event shouldn't feel like you're making some huge sacrifice either.
My husband has decided that vegetarian is healthy, and we probably eat vegan suppers twice a week. (And I rarely eat meat except at supper.) So yeah, I have meat-free foods in my repertoire. But you know what? I like meat. Most of the other people I'm inviting like meat. If I'm serving dinner to 15 and there's one vegetarian, I am NOT going to shape the whole meal around you. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kayaker View Post
...But the last time a FOAF mentioned she was vegan and I told her I could toss a veggie burger on the grill, that wasn't good enough. She wanted the grill scrubbed and her vegan item cooked solo...
This mattered to a kosher friend. He suggested I put some aluminum foil between his item and the contaminated grill. Just a possibility for next time.
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Old 03-24-2019, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by steronz View Post
Presumably she's also a full time mom of two. I want to know why her husband can't do any cooking. It's his family, can he not make something?
Hah, yes, I can't help feeling that some of the problem may lie with the rest of SIL's family if her part time job doesn't leave her the time to prepare something.
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Old 03-24-2019, 06:15 PM
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I'm not registering and paying to read the article. Paraphrase or sample quotes?
You can right-click and open in incognito/private window if you want to read article or comments.

But here it is
Quote:
Dear Carolyn: The family matriarch is having a big dinner for the entire family. She is preparing meat main dishes and has asked everyone else to bring a dish to share. One of the sons' wives ("SIL") is vegetarian (pescatarian to be specific). The host does not eat or prepare fish and has requested that SIL either bring her own protein or eat from the other, nonmeat dishes.

SIL refuses to cook anything for herself or anyone else and feels slighted that she has been asked to do so.

Is it the hosts' responsibility to accommodate everyone equally, or do people with special dietary preferences need to take care of themselves? I feel like SIL has been adequately accommodated, but I'm usually wrong about this sort of thing.

— Usually Wrong

Usually Wrong: Since everyone was asked to bring a dish to share, SIL is being a pill.

If SIL were being singled out, then I’d say otherwise. It’s a two-part dance: Hosts try, guests respect the effort.

And, for the record, ixnay on the “special” and “preferences,” and go with “dietary needs.” I’m a dontjudgatarian.
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Old 03-24-2019, 08:44 PM
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Heh. That's why I love Carolyn Hax so much. Nice answer.
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Old 05-13-2019, 08:28 PM
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This thread got much more traction than I had imagined. To respond to a few of the posts, SIL works a max of 12 hours a week, often less.. Her husband (my wife’s brother) works a minimum of 40 hours, sometimes much more, and sometimes pulls shift work. He cooks half of the dinners, makes his own lunch for work. Their “kids” are 20 and 21 and going to university.

In an earlier thread, I noted that my wife and I are helping with their kids’ university costs, to the tune of about $10K a year. SIL spent nearly $3K on an MRI her doctor said was unnecessary. If it had been deemed necessary, the Medicare system would have covered it. SIL just announced to kids that they would have to pay more of their university costs this year, because she is insisting that her husband also go for private care MRI despite the doctor saying there is no reason for it.

SIL also adopted a rescue dog last year without talking to her family and has spent about $4K on dog shrinks, special diets, week long dog day cares because she (SIL) needed a break, and trainers. One of the kids is highly allergic to dogs.

It’s pretty clear something is really weird here, and neither my wife nor I have any idea what to do, except do our best to help the kids, both of whom work full time over the summer and part time during the school year. And rant on the SDMB. Thanks, folks, for the space and thoughts.
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Old 05-13-2019, 08:34 PM
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This sounds like your BIL's problem. Have you talked with him about it?
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Old 05-13-2019, 08:46 PM
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Have tried, delicately. Bit of the “frog in the slowly heating water” for everyone, intensified over the last year or two. BIL has been extremely stressed at work and we have mostly tried to cut all of them some slack as best we could but clearly, that wasn’t of any use.
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Old 05-13-2019, 10:49 PM
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You SIL sounds, um, difficult. It's good of you to help the kids, but remember that they aren't really your responsibility. And if she's hurt by not having other people wait on her for the pot luck, oh well.
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Old 05-13-2019, 11:01 PM
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Wonderful. Sounds like a handful. The poor family.
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Old 05-14-2019, 06:38 AM
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Last edited by Acsenray; 05-14-2019 at 06:39 AM.
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Old 05-14-2019, 09:09 AM
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Having something to eat at a family dinner seems like the least of your SIL's worries.
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Old 05-14-2019, 09:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D'Anconia View Post
I disagree.

Being a vegan is a choice, and no one should be expected to accommodate that.

Also, only 4% of the population has an actual food allergy.

Your scenario is quite unlikely.
No, sometimes being a vegan isn't a choice - my SCA friend Tibor has one of the genetic things where his body seriously overreacts to fats in food so he is on a no fat diet, and the best way to deal with that is being vegan as he is allergic to shellfish. For him, it is how he stays alive.

Me? Omniverous but seriously restricted when I go to random parties .... anaphylactically allergic to mushrooms and you really do not want to see my reactions to coconut/palm or bivalves [oysters, mussels, clams, scallops] and what are some of the most common 'umami' additives? Mushrooms and fish sauce ... and most convenience foods have gone to using tropical oils. Hells bells, I just got bombed by someone substituting palm oil instead of butter combined with olive oil in shrimp scampi "because it is healthier for you" when the ingredient list at the pot luck stated butter and olive oil ...

For most of the past year I have dealt with extreme nausea [thanks, chemo...] and I have dealt with many cases of going out and having ice water because that was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't make me vomit ...
  #93  
Old 05-14-2019, 11:33 AM
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But if you have an extremely restrictive diet, and you are invited to a pot luck, the sensible thing to do is to bring a contribution that you can eat. I always do that, and I'm just a picky eater. I don't choke or vomit on other people's food, I'm just likely to be unhappy about eating it.

This meal was a pot luck. SIL could jolly well have brought her own food, even if "she works that day". There's plenty of food that can be purchased or made the day prior.

I pride myself in accommodating all my guests -- everyone will have something they can eat, and it won't just be lettuce or dry pasta. But if you are going to get pissy or miffed that everyone else doesn't bring the unusual food that you are willing to eat to a potluck, and you refuse to bring something you can eat, then that's on you. Not on your host. And certainly not on you BIL who is really just another guest in this story.
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Old 05-14-2019, 01:47 PM
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Having SIL over for dinner sounds like a lot of trouble.

Put SIL in the smoker for six hours and then have her for dinner. Problem solved.
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Last edited by Muffin; 05-14-2019 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 05-14-2019, 04:16 PM
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Oooh, good idea - except she would probably taste bitter...
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Old 05-14-2019, 05:41 PM
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N/M - I should really read the whole thread to see if my joke has been used before posting.

Last edited by cmkeller; 05-14-2019 at 05:42 PM.
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