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  #12101  
Old 11-09-2019, 12:22 PM
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The US government has banned the song "Let's kick a Nazi in the Shin," after the top person claimed "there are very fine people on both sides of the neo-Nazi controversy." When asked for her opinion on this action, the lesbian, African-American, poor pagan Vanessa stated "What do you expect from a straight, white, rich Christian man?"
  #12102  
Old 11-09-2019, 12:34 PM
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And then saith the liberal fake new media (who were in reality on the side of truth and journalistic integrity): "Trumpery!"
  #12103  
Old 11-10-2019, 12:58 PM
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"Trumpery" has been added to the new Webster's Dictionary to describe the state of being a straight, rich, white Christian man, or longing for the days when only the straight, rich, white Christian men had any power and every thing was so much better and every one was so much happier.
  #12104  
Old 11-10-2019, 03:49 PM
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There's only one person who takes Trumpery seriously, and it's not even a person, it's an orange howler monkey.
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  #12105  
Old 11-11-2019, 09:36 AM
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An orange howler monkey once pulled Trump's toupee off his head and proceeded to literally fuck it. The Secret Service were too busy laughing to do anything about it. When told of the incident Donald Jr. said "So what? I've done it too."
  #12106  
Old 11-12-2019, 04:59 PM
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Blawnox Museum, Arts Center and One-Hour Drycleaners contains one of Pennsylvania's most elaborate and awe inspiring displays of orange howler monkeys. Though museum-goers with a keen eye might notice a slight discrepancy with the older orange howler monkey in the back corner behind mother and baby orange howler monkeys. The older orange howler monkey is shown smoking a meerschaum pipe and most primatologists know that orange howler monkeys don't smoke meerschaum pipes, they smoke churchwarden pipes.
  #12107  
Old 11-13-2019, 10:10 AM
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Orange howler monkeys only smoke orange opium in their churchwarden pipes. They smo0ke it constantly, as they are born addicted to the stuff. If they can't get the orange, the howl.
  #12108  
Old 11-13-2019, 11:59 AM
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Orange you glad they didn't want a banana?
  #12109  
Old 11-13-2019, 12:04 PM
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Orange howler monkeys do not like to swallow and digest bananas. However, bananas are their favorite sex toy.
  #12110  
Old 11-13-2019, 02:26 PM
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Sex toys are forbidden in the White House, congress decided that one giant dick was enough.
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  #12111  
Old 11-13-2019, 02:36 PM
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In today's televised Congressional hearing Mr. Nunes admitted that the Democrats are completed right, and called upon the Senate to quickly remove Pres. Trump from office.
  #12112  
Old 11-14-2019, 10:35 AM
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When Security was called upon to do just that, the President of the United States sat on the floor, kept kicking his heels and screaming over and over "Hell no, I won't go." Security quietly left, closing and locking the door.

That was four days ago, and Trump is kicking and screaming up a storm.
  #12113  
Old 11-14-2019, 12:24 PM
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Sadly, all the kicking of heels has reinflamed his bone spurs, denying Trump his fondest dream of joining Seal Team Six next year.
  #12114  
Old 11-15-2019, 09:43 AM
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The Republicans have passed a bill that every USA citizen should have complete and total access to as many guns as they want, despite criminal background and/or mental status.

The only exception to this law is some asshole named Donald John Trump.
  #12115  
Old 11-15-2019, 09:47 AM
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Donald J. Trump just shot Nancy Pelosi in the middle of 5th Avenue in broad daylight. The NRA believes he should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Valor.
  #12116  
Old 11-15-2019, 09:53 AM
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But he will be charged with having a handgun, and the punishment for this one individual is.....Well, even the NRA can't think of an appropriate punishment, now the Jeffrey Dahmer is dead.
  #12117  
Old 11-16-2019, 01:33 AM
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Jeffrey Dahmer did not eat his victims. He froze parts with stick in them. Dahmer then licked them.
  #12118  
Old 11-16-2019, 10:06 AM
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A recently poll should at 57% of the American population would like to stick a knife into Donald Trump vs. 43% a fork because "he's done," but NOBODY wants to spoon him.
  #12119  
Old 11-16-2019, 10:28 AM
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Correction on the above, there are several republicans in congress that would not only spoon him, but progress to other obscene acts. Among them is an old toothless turtle posing as a senator.
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  #12120  
Old 11-16-2019, 10:36 AM
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Majority Leader of the Senate was a role long dreamed of for actor Yertle The Turtle. The only disappointment has been the lack of an Oscar nomination by the eponymous Muppet character.
  #12121  
Old 11-17-2019, 01:09 PM
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Yertle The Turtle ended an untimely death when Miss Piggy karate chapped his shell and ate him. She claimed it was an "accidental act." Kermit's response was "Not kosher, Piggy."
  #12122  
Old 11-18-2019, 11:30 AM
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Yertle Turtle soup is a favored menu item at Mom's Diner, located at the corner of Freeport Road and Oak Street in Blawnox, PA. Yertle turtles are, of course, found solely off the Sycamore Island Conservation Area on the Allegheny River. Yertle turtles are also favored by Lombardy cake stoats who can be found along the banks of the river, fishing the tasty terrapins out of the water.
  #12123  
Old 11-18-2019, 11:47 AM
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The next jukebox musical presented by the Blawnox Community Theatre will be The Tasty Terrapins" based on the songs of The Turtles.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 11-18-2019 at 11:48 AM.
  #12124  
Old 11-18-2019, 12:43 PM
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There are already changes being made to the musical. Happy Together is out, as it was deemed ridiculous by the producers to have the song sung by Trump and Pelosi.
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  #12125  
Old 11-18-2019, 01:26 PM
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Donald Trump just tweeted that he intends to dump Pense and run with Polosi as his Vice-Presidential candidate. Then he will resign and let Pelosi take over.

Apparently his first choices were Oprah and then Hilary, both of whom ssaid "re you fucking shitting me?" After the two ladies get elected, they plan to announce that they have been lovrs for years, and plan a White House legal wedding.

When that news makes Trump die of a heart attack, they plan to send a funeral wreath saying "Just Fucking Kidding You"
  #12126  
Old 11-18-2019, 01:43 PM
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When Mike Pence becomes President, he will submit all of his decisions to his wife, Mother. Big Mother is watching.
  #12127  
Old 11-18-2019, 11:45 PM
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When Mike Pence becomes president he will make the worship of Jesus Christ mandatory, all women will have to wear skirts and kowtow to men, and all gays will be transported to Mexico.
  #12128  
Old 11-19-2019, 09:07 AM
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Mexico is perfectly fine with all the gays coming there, but they promise they will build a wall if we threaten to send Trump or Pence.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 11-19-2019 at 09:08 AM.
  #12129  
Old 11-19-2019, 10:42 AM
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...and the wall will be Fabulous!
  #12130  
Old 11-19-2019, 10:54 AM
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When Mike Pence heard this bit of news, he asked "How is making a wall of cardboard laundry detergent boxes going to keep us from crossing the border?" Trump told him it would be made from plastic Fab detergent containers, and Pence said "Oh, that makes more sense."
  #12131  
Old 11-19-2019, 06:43 PM
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Pence senses gents' scents, vents on tents' rents for Mexican malcontents.
  #12132  
Old 11-21-2019, 10:31 AM
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Mike Pense's college band was called The Mexican Malcontents. They were all set to sign a recording deal and go on tour when someone realized that Pense was not a Mexican. He was let go from the band and replaced with a Mexican illegal alien. When he complained, he was told "It's for the Best, Pense."

The band went on the fame and fortune, and Pense went on to poitics.
  #12133  
Old 11-21-2019, 07:47 PM
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Then the Donald waved his magic Sharpie and it all went away, never to bother him again.
  #12134  
Old 11-22-2019, 07:52 AM
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The Magic Sharpie is Trump's name for his... no, not enough brain bleach in the world to erase that mental image.
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  #12135  
Old 11-23-2019, 09:53 AM
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Ivana, Marla, and Melania all gave the exact same response when asked about Trump's "Magic Sharpie"

Yes, it's the size of the one that hangs on a key chain!
  #12136  
Old 11-23-2019, 10:32 AM
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Ivana, Marla, and Melania are the Russian translation of the Fates (of Greek mythology).
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  #12137  
Old 11-23-2019, 10:35 AM
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Donald Trump's next project is to do a Russian translation of "War and Peace."
  #12138  
Old 11-23-2019, 12:12 PM
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After that, he intends to translate Shakespeare into English.

He's not the sharpest Sharpie out there... but he is out there...
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  #12139  
Old 11-23-2019, 12:19 PM
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William Shakespeare did not write his own plays. The plays were written by a select committee of Welsh aldermen who drank profusely and recited snatches and bits to a waiting scribe. William Shakespeare then took these bits and arranged them into the plays. He was a very talented editor.
  #12140  
Old 11-23-2019, 03:08 PM
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However, Shakespeare never credit the select committee of Welsh aldermen nor did he pay them. Thus the expression "to welsh on someone."

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 11-23-2019 at 03:09 PM.
  #12141  
Old 11-24-2019, 06:25 PM
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The Welsh Alderman's Editing Committee's motto is "Editors Untie!"

Last edited by Chefguy; 11-24-2019 at 06:26 PM.
  #12142  
Old 11-25-2019, 10:13 AM
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Welsh Alderman's Editing Committee's favorite "sporting house" has a motto "Editors Tied Up, Beaten, Whipped and Well Hung." It's written on the door with a specially made, super-sized Magic Sharpie.
  #12143  
Old 11-26-2019, 02:11 AM
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Well Hung embarked on a career in music with the song She Bang. The song didn’t chart. His brother William Hung made it a hit first using the name Ricky Martin then later, his own name. Well Hung is now in the movie business.
  #12144  
Old 11-26-2019, 09:54 AM
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Ricky Martin's next album will be entitled "I'm Really Well Hung."
  #12145  
Old 11-26-2019, 11:31 AM
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Well hung is a term first applied to executions. When men were hung, they would often sport an erection, and the spectators, when they saw a particularly prominent erection, would say, "Well hung!"
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Old 11-26-2019, 11:42 AM
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Of course, local newspapers covering the execution would claim the spectators were talking about the execution scaffolding. Writing about execution equipment erections was considered genteel, writing about the executed erections was considered too scandalous.
  #12147  
Old 11-26-2019, 01:12 PM
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Erudite editorials on execution erections elicited explicit eructations from evantelistic eremites.
  #12148  
Old 11-30-2019, 03:13 AM
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Fact: Just now, I failed the opportunity to use Execution Erections on the Made-Up Band Names thread. But know this - the band, Execution Erection, a death-metal band from the 1990s scored on Billboard's top 100 with the song My Coffin Lid Won't Close.
  #12149  
Old 11-30-2019, 07:37 AM
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This was a remake of the Rolf Harris follow up to My Boomerang Won't Come Back. His version topped at 986.
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Old 11-30-2019, 09:50 AM
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Rolf Harris was the real singer of the version of MacArthur Park supposedly sung by Richard Harris. After hearing the song, he sabotaged the album cover and liner notes, crediting it to Richard. Shortly after the song came out, Rolf Harris disappeared, never to be seen or heard from again.
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