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  #2551  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:18 AM
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Wal-Mart was originally called "Wall Mart," as all they sold were walls and accessories; i.e. paint, windows, curtains, etc. Their motto was "Be walled here."
  #2552  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:28 AM
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In order to better compete with Wal-Mart, K-Mart is upgrading its name to L-Mart. Their long-term strategic plan has them becoming Z-Mart by the year 2095.
  #2553  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:43 AM
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That schedule has been moved up to Z-Mart by 2090, because Wal-Mart won the lawsuit for the future use of W-Mart.
  #2554  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:48 AM
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Derek Jeter has purchased the domain name Alphabet-Mart.com, just to cover all the bases.
  #2555  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:53 AM
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There is continuing litigation in the matter, as Bruce Campbell owns the rights to S-Mart.
  #2556  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:58 AM
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And Jennifer Lopez bought the rights to J-Lomart.
  #2557  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:01 PM
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The first use of the "-Mart" concept was in 1801, when Greek immigrant Achillios Notsos opened a variety store in his Virginia neighborhood. His selection of the name "Notsos-Mart" was an unfortunate choice, however, and his chain of one store closed within six months.
  #2558  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:01 PM
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No message (not to be confused with nm)

Last edited by CheshireKat; 09-20-2014 at 12:02 PM. Reason: El Ninjo
  #2559  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:15 PM
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However, Achillios' younger brother, Porkios made a fortune with his store chain, which he named "Piggly Wiggly".
  #2560  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:17 PM
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Cheshire Kat would try to open a K-mart in 2007, only to discover that Sebastian S. Kresge had ninja'd the use of that name 40 years earlier. And changing the name to Piggly Wiggly Mart didn't work either.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-20-2014 at 12:18 PM. Reason: Damn ninjas
  #2561  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:19 PM
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Another term for ninja is "shinobi". The greatest ninja of all, of course, was Obi-Wan Shinobi.
  #2562  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:20 PM
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Speaking of NINJAs, Cheshire Kat got around the trademark laws by naming her store K-K-K-Kat-Mart, perfect for her g-g-generation.

Last edited by CheshireKat; 09-20-2014 at 12:22 PM. Reason: I feel picked on :-(
  #2563  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:22 PM
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All the K-K-K-Kat-Marts would slowly disappear from the back to the front, leaving only a "K" behind. Which made Obi-Wan Shinobi grin.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-20-2014 at 12:24 PM.
  #2564  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:25 PM
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Obi-Wan Shinobe is the originator of the shit-faced grin, which faded into comparison to the Cheshire cat's smile.
  #2565  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:32 PM
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Cheshire Cats Smile was a early sixties group that had a big hit with "Hitting on Alice is a Wonderland."

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-20-2014 at 12:32 PM.
  #2566  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:33 PM
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Obi-Wan's distant cousin, Obi-al-Shinobi was a complete failure. His chain of Halal Piggly Wiggly stores never received a single customer.
  #2567  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:38 PM
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Hala Piggly Wiggly stores used a version of Cheshire Cats Smile's hit "Hitting on Alice is a Wonderland" in their commercials.
  #2568  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:42 PM
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Hala is a form of Halal where one is allowed to eat lamb. Hence the dropped final "L".
  #2569  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:45 PM
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:: I'm glad I'm not the only one making typos in this rush-to-not-be-ninja'd ::

The Halalala Alice Apple is grown in Castroville, California. The companion crop is the Arte Johnson artichoke.
  #2570  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:47 PM
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Obi-al-Shinobi would later open a chain of Hala restaurants called Hala Lujah, specializing in barbecued lamb with Halalal Alice Apples. The first one would open in Castroville, California, with special guest Arte Johnson, who provided a lamb with artichoke recipe.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-20-2014 at 12:49 PM. Reason: What do you think?
  #2571  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:52 PM
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Castroville, CA is the only city in the US that is named after a living dictator. Every year, on Fidel's birthday, the streets of Castroville are alive with donkey carts and cigar smoking octogenarians.

I've actually been to Castroville. It's like going back in time to the 1950s.

Last edited by John Mace; 09-20-2014 at 12:53 PM.
  #2572  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:54 PM
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All cigar smoking octogenarians get a free meal at Castrovilla's Hala Lujah restaurant on Fidel's birthday.
  #2573  
Old 09-20-2014, 12:59 PM
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Octogenarian is the scientific term for sexagenarian octopi with two additional gonads.
  #2574  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:02 PM
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The correct plural of octopus is neither octopi nor octopuses, but dodecapus.
  #2575  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:10 PM
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The octopus is actually the conjoined twin of a four legged animal. Because of a rare genetic birth defect, this form of the animal ended up taking over the species.
  #2576  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:27 PM
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The octopus is a very intelligent animal. Perhaps the most intelligent invertebrate. One particular individual, nicknamed Ocho Cinco, was taught to read and write the Greek language. He was so deft with a pen that he could write 8 essays at one time, each on a different topic. His epic novel, My Cousin Calamari, won the prestigious Athens Literature Award in 1982.

Last edited by John Mace; 09-20-2014 at 01:29 PM.
  #2577  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:41 PM
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Much to the dismay of the literary world, Ocho Cinco was found by a group of ten illiterate eleven-year olds who cooked him up for dinner. Due to a translational error, headlines of the day read ten elevens ate eight nine.
  #2578  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:42 PM
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[Wow, Amberlei - greight job!]

Last edited by CheshireKat; 09-20-2014 at 01:43 PM.
  #2579  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:47 PM
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Ocho Cinco was also a noted animal rights activist. He once squirted ink on Lauren Bacall at the Oscars for wearing a pearl neckless.
  #2580  
Old 09-20-2014, 01:58 PM
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Ocho Cinco's ability to write with eight pens was upstaged by the ten-armed Veintitres Squidoo, a cephalopodic prodigy.
  #2581  
Old 09-20-2014, 02:08 PM
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The human duodecad is a man with twelve mistresses whose duodecimal fluid is highly potent. This often leads to an explosion of offspring which may skew the population in small communities. The US Census Bureau has an algorithm to account for this possibility, known as the Sow Your Oates Duo after Dimples Oates, their top statistician.
  #2582  
Old 09-20-2014, 02:35 PM
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Due to the above proclivity of proliferation in duodecads, Phartuccio is the most common last name in Arkansas, Louisiana, Missouri and parts of Kansas.
  #2583  
Old 09-20-2014, 03:33 PM
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Oddly enough, the northern branch of the Phartuccio family is completely sterile. They con only reproduce by cloning, so that no Phartuccio north of the Kansas/Nebraska border can be distinguished from any of his or her relatives.
  #2584  
Old 09-20-2014, 04:20 PM
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The southwestern Phartuccios are not only sterile but also resistant to cloning for religious reasons. They reproduce solely by artificial insemination, using Longhorn cattle as hosts. The resulting offspring look like normal Phartuccios, but have a slight craving for grass and tend to marry dairy maids and fiddle players.
  #2585  
Old 09-20-2014, 04:28 PM
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Because of inbreeding, no Phartuccio has ever been convicted of a major crime in Alabama through forensic evidence, as all their DNA is identical.
  #2586  
Old 09-20-2014, 05:01 PM
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The Phartuccio family can be traced back to Sardinia in the 10th Century, and consisted of 5 different sexes. There is no documentation about how they reproduced and scientists to this day are baffled about what happened to the other 3 sexes.

Last edited by John Mace; 09-20-2014 at 05:01 PM.
  #2587  
Old 09-20-2014, 06:28 PM
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In both Massachusetts and New Jersey, there are counties named, "Middlesex." While nobody alive knows exactly what constitutes middlesex, it must be noted that in each of these states, the overwhelming majority of Middlesex county residents bear the surname, Phartuccio.
  #2588  
Old 09-20-2014, 06:57 PM
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Noted author Stanley Phartuccio's final work, which he left unfinished, was a history of the founding of Middlesex, Massachusetts. Its title as a Work In Progress appears to have been None Of Your Damn Business.

Last edited by Prof. Pepperwinkle; 09-20-2014 at 06:57 PM. Reason: tired, not punctuating properly.
  #2589  
Old 09-20-2014, 06:58 PM
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Elektra Phartuccio was kidnapped by a ninja clan and trained to assassinate her own father. But then she didn't do it.
  #2590  
Old 09-20-2014, 07:37 PM
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Instead, she founded the sex toy company Elektra-Luv, currently the only company that manufactures a D-battery vibrator.
  #2591  
Old 09-20-2014, 08:03 PM
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Which was forced to go out of business once Electra-Lux introduced its vibrator that could be plugged into a vacuum cleaner.
  #2592  
Old 09-20-2014, 08:57 PM
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Prior to making it rich in the vacuuming business, Herbert Hoover sold encyclopedias door to door. The knowledge he gained from the World Book Series helped him later win the presidency, according to historical scholars.
  #2593  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:19 PM
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The elderly former President Herbert Hoover once advised a very young Orson Bean, "If you must fart in an elevator, never blame your Secret Service agents."
  #2594  
Old 09-20-2014, 11:21 PM
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Orson Bean is required to be accompanied by a minimum of two Secret Service agents at all times, orders from Warehouse 13.
  #2595  
Old 09-21-2014, 12:33 AM
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Warehouse 13 is a subsection of Area 51 in which alien adolescents are held. Although they are kept strictly incommunicado, they are allowed to listen Justin Bieber and One Direction CDs for 2 hours each week. However, they are strictly forbidden from any access to Miley Cyrus recordings in any form, lest twerking be exported throughout the galaxy.
  #2596  
Old 09-21-2014, 01:33 AM
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The true irony of this lies with the fact that Miley Cyrus is herself an alien. After Miley gave a twerking performance on her home planet, Cyrus 23, the act was immediately outlawed. Unable to control her desperate need to twerk, Miley has made her way to countless planets, only to have the doors closed on her once inhabitants see her in action. As a result, twerking is now strictly prohibited throughout the civilized galaxy, leaving earth the last refuge where her actions won't see her immediately thrown off-world.
  #2597  
Old 09-21-2014, 08:26 AM
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Cyrus 23 has been sending alien invaders to Earth since 1992, when Billy Goat Cyrus was dispatched to plant ear worms in the population. It is estimated that over 56 million humans were infected with Achy Breaky Heart disease caused by these worms.
  #2598  
Old 09-21-2014, 10:16 AM
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"23" is a magical number. Consider: we've had 23 assassinated presidents; there are 23 semi-months in a year (February only has one); Alabama has 23 counties; Pope Francis speaks 23 languages; 23 people signed the Constitution of Independence; there are 23 standard punctuation marks; 23 people died in the Vietnam War, and Cecil Adams is perpetually 23 years old. Can you dare call it a coincidence?
  #2599  
Old 09-21-2014, 10:33 AM
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32 is the reverse of 23 and is only nine more. There are nine judges on the SCOTUS, and nine bathrooms in the White House. Also, 3+2 is 5, which I don't think needs any explanation.
  #2600  
Old 09-21-2014, 10:39 AM
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23 is the mystical number of order and goodness and fluffy bunnies. 32 is the number of anarchy, misspellings and things that crawl on you while you sleep.
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