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  #7351  
Old 06-13-2018, 10:16 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Me heap big fan Cicely Courtneidge.... She fine actress ... she make interpretation heap subtle ... she heap good diction and timing... she make part really live for Indian brave.
  #7352  
Old 06-14-2018, 11:29 AM
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Is your wife interested in....photography, ay? 'Photographs, ay', he asked him knowingly
  #7353  
Old 06-14-2018, 04:51 PM
edspellman edspellman is offline
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Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
  #7354  
Old 06-14-2018, 09:18 PM
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Hello? No, Thursday's

RIGHT OUT!!!!!!
  #7355  
Old 06-14-2018, 09:30 PM
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You put a bucket over your head last time I said "mattress."
  #7356  
Old 06-15-2018, 10:21 PM
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Prof. Pepperwinkle Prof. Pepperwinkle is offline
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Well here it is at last ... the goal of our quest. After six months and three days we've caught up with the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, Quercus Nicholas Parsonus, resting here for a moment, on its long journey south. It's almost incredible isn't it, to think that this huge tree has walked over two thousand miles across this inhospitable terrain to stop here, maybe just to take in water before the two thousand miles on to Cape Town, where it lives. It's almost unimaginable, I find - the thought of this mighty tree strolling through Nigeria, perhaps swaggering a little as it crosses the border into Zaire, hopping through the tropical rain forests, trying to find a quiet grove where it could jump around on its own, sprinting up to Zambia for the afternoon, then nipping back ... (a native whispers in his ear) Oh, super ... well, I've just been told that this is not in fact the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, this is one of Africa's many stationary trees, Arborus Barnbet Gaseoignus. In fact we've just missed the walking tree... it left here at eight o'clock this morning... was heading off in that direction... so we'll see if we can go and catch it up. Come on boys.
  #7357  
Old 06-23-2018, 07:47 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Hello? Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?
  #7358  
Old 06-24-2018, 12:01 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Is your name not Bruce, then?
  #7359  
Old 06-25-2018, 12:19 AM
edspellman edspellman is offline
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Psychiatrist!
(Milk truck jingle)
Psychiatrist!
(Milk truck jingle)
  #7360  
Old 06-26-2018, 10:49 AM
kopek kopek is offline
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I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along.
  #7361  
Old 06-26-2018, 04:15 PM
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For those of you who may have just missed 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', here it is again.
  #7362  
Old 06-26-2018, 09:27 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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It's....
  #7363  
Old 06-26-2018, 09:45 PM
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But the days of the killer cars were numbered, thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.
  #7364  
Old 06-26-2018, 09:57 PM
MonkeyMensch MonkeyMensch is offline
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I love Spam!
  #7365  
Old 06-28-2018, 08:56 AM
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...thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.
  #7366  
Old 06-28-2018, 09:34 AM
kopek kopek is offline
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Yes that's right, that sort of thing, yes, a link. It's all a bit zany - you know a bit madcap funster... frankly I don't fully understand it myself, the kids seem to like it. I much prefer Des O'Connor ... Rolf Harris ... Tom Jones, you know...
  #7367  
Old 06-29-2018, 08:15 PM
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"You came on my pillow...aarrrrrrrrgh."
  #7368  
Old 06-29-2018, 09:14 PM
Leo Bloom Leo Bloom is online now
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[where the hell is that from?)
  #7369  
Old 06-29-2018, 09:53 PM
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[Google it.]
  #7370  
Old 06-30-2018, 01:58 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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No, no, don't tell me - I'm keen to guess.
  #7371  
Old 06-30-2018, 04:03 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leo Bloom View Post
[where the hell is that from?)

And now the sound of John Denver being strangled ......




'THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT'
  #7372  
Old 06-30-2018, 08:07 PM
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Nun: I preferred the dirty version. (gets knocked out by boxer Gilliam)
  #7373  
Old 06-30-2018, 08:56 PM
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You shot him! You shot him dead!
  #7374  
Old 07-01-2018, 05:53 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled to remove tamping.
  #7375  
Old 07-07-2018, 10:55 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
  #7376  
Old 07-08-2018, 04:11 PM
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I'll do you for that.
  #7377  
Old 07-08-2018, 08:25 PM
edspellman edspellman is offline
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I am so excited I could hardly wash.
  #7378  
Old 07-08-2018, 10:52 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.
  #7379  
Old 07-08-2018, 10:54 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony?
  #7380  
Old 07-08-2018, 11:56 PM
edspellman edspellman is offline
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Alan: Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.

Jackie: Hello, Alan.

Alan: Hello, Jackie.
  #7381  
Old 07-09-2018, 07:07 AM
Shodan Shodan is online now
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I'm rather fond of dogs.

Regards,
Shodan
  #7382  
Old 07-09-2018, 11:08 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
  #7383  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:52 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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That's all right - you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.
  #7384  
Old 07-13-2018, 08:41 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our lads, with a fair training in the black arts, can scare the fertilizer out of them.
  #7385  
Old 07-13-2018, 10:06 AM
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But it's my only line!
  #7386  
Old 07-13-2018, 12:56 PM
Shodan Shodan is online now
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Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

Regards,
Shodan
  #7387  
Old 07-13-2018, 01:45 PM
MonkeyMensch MonkeyMensch is offline
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It's s a fair cop!
  #7388  
Old 07-13-2018, 02:12 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
  #7389  
Old 07-13-2018, 07:01 PM
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It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.
  #7390  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:11 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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People get killed, properly dead, sir, no barely-crossed fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the Army and there's a war, you have to go and fight!
  #7391  
Old 07-14-2018, 08:16 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Oh I certainly do - it was the same with me. I mean there comes a time when you realize there's no good frittering your life away in idleness and trivial chit-chat. Where's your cave?
  #7392  
Old 07-15-2018, 12:36 PM
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Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spammity Spam!
  #7393  
Old 07-15-2018, 11:09 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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I'm sorry about that, but I always introduce this programme, not him.
  #7394  
Old 07-16-2018, 09:40 AM
kopek kopek is offline
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am not simply going to say 'and now for something completely different' this week, as I do not think it fit. This is a particularly auspicious occasion for us this evening, as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen will be watching part of the show tonight. We don't know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching 'The Virginian', but we have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes channel. Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally but her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home to stand when the great moment arrives, although we here in the studio will be carrying on with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. Thank you. And now without any more ado and completely as normal, here are the opening titles.
  #7395  
Old 07-16-2018, 10:46 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica.
  #7396  
Old 07-17-2018, 11:40 AM
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Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'!
  #7397  
Old 07-18-2018, 08:15 AM
kopek kopek is offline
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Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Vet, you know.
  #7398  
Old 07-18-2018, 08:56 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, which goes 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mannering (hoot, 'whoop') Smith.
  #7399  
Old 07-18-2018, 05:55 PM
edspellman edspellman is offline
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The salmon mousse!
  #7400  
Old 07-20-2018, 12:33 PM
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Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.
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