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  #251  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:02 PM
garygnu garygnu is offline
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You've got nicer legs than Hitler, and bigger tits than Cher.
  #252  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:07 PM
SaharaTea SaharaTea is offline
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From now on I want you all to call me...Loretta.
  #253  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:08 PM
sqweels sqweels is offline
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Sausage squad up the blue-end!
  #254  
Old 04-27-2010, 10:14 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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You Americans are all the same. You've got no balls!
  #255  
Old 04-28-2010, 12:35 AM
banjoDavid banjoDavid is offline
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Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare to tread on the same stage with him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink.
  #256  
Old 04-28-2010, 04:34 AM
Gyrate Gyrate is offline
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With a melon?
  #257  
Old 04-28-2010, 08:50 AM
Wargamer Wargamer is offline
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I never wanted to be part of such a shambolic sketch. I always wanted to be....

A Lumberjack!
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  #258  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:01 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Oooo, I've had a bitch of a morning, luv!
  #259  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:17 AM
garygnu garygnu is offline
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Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here!
  #260  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:30 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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You doctor, me nurse.
  #261  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:37 AM
blondebear blondebear is offline
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Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
  #262  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:54 AM
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muldoonthief muldoonthief is offline
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I'm not oppressing you Stan - you haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate, you gonna keep it in a box?
  #263  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:58 AM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
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Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
  #264  
Old 04-28-2010, 10:24 AM
gang green gang green is offline
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I'll turn the lights back on for a pound.
  #265  
Old 04-28-2010, 11:15 AM
Just1Lurk Just1Lurk is offline
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And for those of you at home who want to play it the hard way, stick your head in a bucket of piranha fish.
  #266  
Old 04-28-2010, 11:23 AM
Knorf Knorf is offline
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Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
  #267  
Old 04-28-2010, 11:24 AM
garygnu garygnu is offline
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Good. Nibbling the earlobe... kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris.
  #268  
Old 04-28-2010, 02:04 PM
Wargamer Wargamer is offline
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The Queen's a good Sheila and not at all stuck up.
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  #269  
Old 04-28-2010, 02:17 PM
banjoDavid banjoDavid is offline
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Sorry, loves, sorry the show is too long this week and this scene's been cut.
  #270  
Old 04-28-2010, 02:20 PM
The Other Jeffrey Lebowski The Other Jeffrey Lebowski is offline
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Follow the gourd!! The Holy Gourd of Jeruslem!!
  #271  
Old 04-28-2010, 02:39 PM
zamboniracer zamboniracer is offline
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Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
  #272  
Old 04-28-2010, 02:42 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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I waggled me wig!
  #273  
Old 04-28-2010, 03:20 PM
outlierrn outlierrn is offline
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And Oliver has run himself over! What a great twit.
  #274  
Old 04-28-2010, 03:23 PM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
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And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

Last edited by ElvisL1ves; 04-28-2010 at 03:24 PM.
  #275  
Old 04-28-2010, 03:34 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Not at all, Vicar. You're our best customer [for sherry], after North America.
  #276  
Old 04-28-2010, 06:24 PM
Knorf Knorf is offline
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Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

Mr Creosote: No.

Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.

Mr Creosote: No. Fuck off - I'm full... [Belches]

Maitre D: Oh sir... it's only wafer thin.

Mr Creosote: Look - I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Maitre D: Oh sir, just... just one...

Mr Creosote: Oh all right. Just one.

Maitre D: Just the one, sir... voila... bon appetit...
  #277  
Old 04-28-2010, 06:39 PM
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John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Mongo- Remember... never kill a customer.
  #278  
Old 04-28-2010, 08:14 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Minstrel
Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his pen--

Sir Robin
That's... that's enough music for now, lads.
  #279  
Old 04-28-2010, 09:32 PM
Simmerdown Simmerdown is offline
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If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave...

...Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t.
  #280  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:08 AM
Anne Elk Anne Elk is offline
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"All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end."
  #281  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:21 AM
horsetech horsetech is offline
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Fires happen, Colonel.
  #282  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:06 AM
The Other Jeffrey Lebowski The Other Jeffrey Lebowski is offline
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You see, you know that is the trouble with living half way up a cliff - you feel so cut off. You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.
  #283  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:13 AM
grimpixie grimpixie is offline
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Is he?

She sir.
  #284  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:27 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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It's the Bishop!
  #285  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:28 AM
MHaye MHaye is offline
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When three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade at thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
  #286  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:49 AM
Wargamer Wargamer is offline
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Perhaps he was dictating?
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Where's the kaboom? After 500 posts, there should've been an Earth-shattering kaboom!
  #287  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:38 AM
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John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Still no sight of land! How long is it?

That's a rather personal question, sir.
  #288  
Old 04-29-2010, 09:55 AM
otternell otternell is offline
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You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds, squeezing black heads, not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist! You excrement!
  #289  
Old 04-29-2010, 10:02 AM
Just1Lurk Just1Lurk is offline
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Dinsdale!
  #290  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:30 AM
otternell otternell is offline
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Something wrong with my banter, chaps?
  #291  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:32 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Blimey, whatever did I give the wife?
  #292  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:37 AM
garygnu garygnu is offline
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Well, I think I may be able to help you. You see... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for.
  #293  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:39 AM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
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Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.
  #294  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:41 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Something's gone askew on treadle.
  #295  
Old 04-29-2010, 02:10 PM
Runestar Runestar is offline
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What's new Bruce going to teach, Bruce?
  #296  
Old 04-29-2010, 02:16 PM
Knorf Knorf is offline
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I would tax the nude in my bed. No ..... not tax.

What is the word?

....

Oh -- welcome!
  #297  
Old 04-29-2010, 02:25 PM
Simmerdown Simmerdown is offline
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Oh Mr Belpit, your legs are so swollen!
  #298  
Old 04-29-2010, 02:45 PM
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John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Top-hole. Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.
  #299  
Old 04-29-2010, 02:55 PM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
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Shut up! This is a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Right, now my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupines you've got.
  #300  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:17 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElvisL1ves View Post
Shut up! This is a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Right, now my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupines you've got.
Another repeat.

I would tax Raquel Welch... and I suspect she would tax me.
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