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  #51  
Old 01-14-2019, 11:10 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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Originally Posted by UDS
But what's usual in this regard doesn't really matter here. If justanothermike has this problem or if, upon experimentation, he finds that he does, then obviously condoms are unlikely to be the optimal solution to the problem he and his wife are facing. Only justanothermike and his wife can make a decision about that, and even they won't know until they've tried.
Sure. I was just surprised that SamuelA seemed to take that scenario so much for granted that he was telling justanothermike "you probably won't be able to function sexually with them" way back in post #5, before justanothermike had even mentioned the condom option AFAICT.

It seems a bit alarming if long-term barebacking is assumed to permanently disable a man for successful condom use. But, as you say, everybody's experience is different.
  #52  
Old 01-14-2019, 11:14 PM
justanothermike justanothermike is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
Trust me, it is. Admittedly, I have no personal experience with what it's like on the concave side of the condom, but I'm surprised to learn that having sex in one particular way over a long period of time would permanently unfit a man for having sex in a different way. Can't you re-train?
I don't even know speaking for myself about the whole retraining thing or what my own issues may be. I do know that many men struggle with condoms period, and it isn't just some desire not to be part of the birth control spectrum as some women would say. It doesn't take more than a quick Google search to see that many men struggle with condoms period. Lack of sensation, performance anxiety, one that is too tight or too loose causes different problems, etc. Throw new rules into the game after so long and it might create a problem. I'm sure that it can be worked through. I don't know that anyone said it would have to be a permanent issue, but it could certainly be an issue. Everyone has their individual sex lives, hangups, issues, etc. and that wasn't the subject of the post or anything I intended to get into.

There are plenty of options here. Condoms, a vasectomy, trying another form of pill since few have been tried, some sort of IUD or something, we'll talk about them all and weigh our options. Of course I've been accused of not wanting it to be my problem despite being the one to come here to address the problem and admitting how it already was a problem for me, but that person is clearly speaking of what they do not know and literally jumped to it being my problem alone to tackle from her first post. So her issues with a man were clear from the jump. I wasn't trying to get into that until she made wild and baseless accusations.

I came here to talk openly about the issues surrounding this form of birth control and trying to be understanding of my wife and to get more perspective for the both of us. I get that you're trying to understand a thing here and asking questions Kimstu. Often men are just expected to perform and women want understanding. Understanding cuts both ways. I'm actually really surprised that women wouldn't understand what Samuel mentioned, but that's why we ask questions and I hope you maybe understand a bit more now. The whole subject can be fraught with peril and I just wanted to see if what we were going through was normal. We both now understand that it is not and will work toward a resolution that works for both of us.
  #53  
Old 01-14-2019, 11:20 PM
Kimstu Kimstu is offline
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Originally Posted by justanothermike View Post
I get that you're trying to understand a thing here and asking questions Kimstu.
Yup, and am not trying to tell you and your wife what to do, was just a bit startled by that offhand assumption, and trying to figure out to what extent "Barebacking-Induced Condom Dysfunction" really is a thing for men in general. Not something I could really ask the guys at work about. Anyway, best of luck to you and the missus, and spring is on the way!
  #54  
Old 01-14-2019, 11:33 PM
justanothermike justanothermike is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
Yup, and am not trying to tell you and your wife what to do, was just a bit startled by that offhand assumption, and trying to figure out to what extent "Barebacking-Induced Condom Dysfunction" really is a thing for men in general. Not something I could really ask the guys at work about. Anyway, best of luck to you and the missus, and spring is on the way!
Lol, not really the average water cooler talk is it? I don't know how many many are impacted but it just stands to reason that if condoms themselves can be an issue, then going from a lifetime of no condoms to condoms may be an issue. My guess would be that it wouldn't likely be a permanent issue for many, but we're all individuals and you never know. There has to be outliers.

Come on Spring! And I don't even say that simply for the reasons spoken of here, the gray skies and darkness of the winter are rough on us both anyway. I do believe someone mentioned SAD, and that is an impact regardless of the situation with the pills. I know that better times will be coming no matter what. We've battled through everything else in life and we'll battle through this and get right with it too.
  #55  
Old 01-14-2019, 11:36 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
Trust me, it is. Admittedly, I have no personal experience with what it's like on the concave side of the condom, but I'm surprised to learn that having sex in one particular way over a long period of time would permanently unfit a man for having sex in a different way. Can't you re-train?
When I went off BC pills due to similar issues as the OPs wife, my husband eventually got a vascetomy. But there were a few months of condoms with no performance problems at all while we waited.

OP, my suggestion is get her off the pills. There is obviously a hormonal component her lack of wellbeing - and she has been on them for a very long time. It is NOT normal, and it is not good for her mental health to have these sort of patterns get etched into her brain - the "stupid" thoughts could take hold and not leave - not without therapy and medication. Hormonal mental health issues are the pits (my grandmother died of postpartum depression).
  #56  
Old 01-15-2019, 12:24 AM
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octopus octopus is offline
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I believe birth control pills negatively affected my wife’s mood and emotions back when she used them. IMHO, her feeling better most of the time was far more important than a minor upgrade in sensation during sex.
  #57  
Old 01-15-2019, 12:35 AM
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kenobi 65 kenobi 65 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimstu View Post
Yup, and am not trying to tell you and your wife what to do, was just a bit startled by that offhand assumption, and trying to figure out to what extent "Barebacking-Induced Condom Dysfunction" really is a thing for men in general. Not something I could really ask the guys at work about.
Anecdote =/= data, but I was sexually active with two other partners before I met the woman who became my wife. In the first two relationships, we didn't use condoms, as the women were already using other forms of birth control.

When my now-wife and I started sleeping together, I had minimal issues adapting to condom use, and the difference in sensitivity wasn't substantial enough to cause any problems at all. The most noteworthy issue I ran into was trying to put the darned thing on the wrong way in a darkened room. (Hint: it only unrolls one way, and if you accidentally try to put it on the other way, throw that one out, as you just got seminal fluid on the side that needs to be pristine. )

So, YMMV. SamuelA apparently has some very strong opinions on the entire topic area.

Last edited by kenobi 65; 01-15-2019 at 12:39 AM.
  #58  
Old 01-15-2019, 05:27 AM
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TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is online now
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Dan Savage talks about something more difficult to get used to for some guys: going from masturbating (especially with an iron grip of death) to vaginal sex. Some guys can’t get it to work at first.

According to him, and he’s the sex expert (although not with first hand knowledge of this particular problem, of course) it is simply a matter of retraining.
  #59  
Old 01-15-2019, 06:15 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Originally Posted by Broomstick View Post
OP, the two of you both, together, need to sit down with a doctor in real life to discuss options to the pills your wife is currently taking. There are other options, you should review them all with someone who can help you evaluate the risks and benefits of each in your particular situation.

Hormonal birth control isn't for everyone, and it sounds like your wife might be one of them.
This times a million.

I refuse to take hormonal BC because of the effect BC and HRT have had on my closest female relatives. I've been physically assaulted several times yet I don't think I've ever been more scared than watching my mother puke her guts out on her first day of HRT - as much, maybe; more, no.

There are other options: talk with your doctor.




Oh and The Idiot Boyfriend barebacked with what seems to have been half of Miami's nightlife but had no problems using condoms with me. Well, other than wanting to not use condoms, that is
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Last edited by Nava; 01-15-2019 at 06:17 AM.
  #60  
Old 01-15-2019, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Nava View Post
I refuse to take hormonal BC because of the effect BC and HRT have had on my closest female relatives.
Yeah - between the heart disease in the family that hit men and women equally and a couple of cousins who had major strokes at a young age most of us women in my family were told it might be better for us to avoid hormonal birth control. The docs tend to downplay the risks, and society at large even more so, however....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckdawrek View Post
Believe what you want. I give up. You clearly don't want the birth control to be your problem to the point of your wife suffering debilitating side effects. And giving up, by your math, half of your yearly happiness. Have a nice life. I'm outta here.
This is over the top. Take a step back and take a deep breath, lady - that is NOT how I read the OP, or even most of the men in this thread. This is not the way to fight ignorance.

If anyone has that attitude here it's SamuelA, not the OP. And even there, I'm not entirely sure it's selfishness so much as misinformation.
  #61  
Old 01-15-2019, 11:19 AM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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By the way, unless you intend to reproduce or have a non-committed relationship, I'd go for the vasectomy.

Here are the reasons.

1. For a lot of women bearing the emotional labor for birth control for years and years is exhausting. There aren't a lot of male centric options, but saying "hey, its my turn to bear this responsibility" is incredibly sexy.

2. Many of the options that they will give you for her will involve hormonal options. Its possible that with trial and error, you'll find something that doesn't affect her. But it could take months and months. Each switch of hormonal method is going to require back up birthcontrol. And its possible that she is just emotional sensitive to hormonal methods.

3. A lot of women who have IUDs love them - but I find anything touching my cervix (which would include the IUD string) to be terribly painful over the long term. Putting it in and taking it out if it doesn't work is again - a trial and error method that is going to stress your already emotional exhausted wife who has borne this responsibility for a long time. And I'm of the generation where IUDs were causing PID - they've gotten better.....

4. Other methods - like diaphragms and condoms, are interruptive and require some amount of planning. You'll get less nookie if you need to bother with having supplies on hand and then dealing with the method during sexy fun time.

5. And back to #1. She's borne this responsibility for a long time - and the emotional labor of it. Going to the store to get pills when the prescription runs out. Taking them every day - don't forget! Dealing with the side effects of the pills - the good (less acne when you are eighteen) and the bad (emotional craziness when you start getting middle aged, increased headaches, etc). Its your turn now. A vasectomy is quick, and while it isn't painless, its sitting around with a bag of frozen peas in your lap for a day while you catch up on Netflix. And its permanent - neither of you will have to spend any more time thinking about this issue.

Then your wife can get off all the hormones and see if her emotions stabilize. If they don't, then she probably needs to see a therapist and get on some mental health meds (I'm not going to try and guess what underlying issue may - or may not - be there). Not having the additional factor of hormonal birth control will allow a doctor to tune her meds better if that is required. Hopefully, no more BC, no more issues, but if there are underlying issues, its best to see them laid as bare as possible.
  #62  
Old 01-15-2019, 11:36 AM
kayT kayT is offline
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I don't know why no one has mentioned sterilization surgery for OP's wife. I know vasectomy is supposed to be simpler or cheaper or something, but when I got angry and depressed on BC pills I had a tubal ligation. My insurance even paid for it after I pointed out that they pay for pregnancy and childbirth and fair is fair. I had it outpatient. I never had a single bad side effect. It was wonderfully freeing for me as I never wanted children. If you and your wife are not planning to have children, OP, then this is definitely a thing to think about.
  #63  
Old 01-15-2019, 12:37 PM
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ZipperJJ ZipperJJ is offline
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Originally Posted by kayT View Post
I don't know why no one has mentioned sterilization surgery for OP's wife.
Because there are literally dozens of non-surgical options for this issue, which all can and should be exhausted before considering surgery.
  #64  
Old 01-15-2019, 02:16 PM
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Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Originally Posted by ZipperJJ View Post
Because there are literally dozens of non-surgical options for this issue, which all can and should be exhausted before considering surgery.
I advocate mentioning surgery early in the discussion, to let people know it's a valid, safe option for those done having children. Tubal ligation/vasectomy are both pretty straightforward, safe, and effective. It should NOT be considered a 'last resort'.
  #65  
Old 01-15-2019, 02:21 PM
justanothermike justanothermike is offline
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We have no kids. There's a lot that goes into all of that. It's certainly not a decision I intent on discussing and getting everyone's opinions on and it's a multi-faceted subject with unique facets from our upbringing. Again, we'll consider all options, though many seem to have their minds made up for us. Again, the point was more to find out if the reaction was normal, and we'll take it from there and take the suggestions into consideration. Thanks.

Last edited by justanothermike; 01-15-2019 at 02:22 PM.
  #66  
Old 01-15-2019, 05:29 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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I'm not prying on kids, that's your business. I'm just stating that obviously sterilization methods are not good choices if you intend to pursue that path.
  #67  
Old 01-15-2019, 05:41 PM
MN_Maenad MN_Maenad is online now
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Thinking of doctor options, do you have a Planned Parenthood clinic near you? IME they're better than a lot of other docs about birth control options, assessing side effects, etc.

All my best to you both - I've been in a similar place as your wife, and the fact that it feels perfectly normal and rational when you're there is sometimes the scariest part.
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