Straight Dope Message Board

[Fenris]

Dear Ex-Fat Guy on Subways Commercials,

Shut up and go away.

Thank you,

Fenris







What? You want more?

Fine.

Dear Ex-Fat Guy on Subways Commercials,

It's spiffy that you lost seven thousand (or however many) pounds. It was an impressive act of willpower and hard work, and I commend you for it. Truly, I am impressed. I've tried to lose weight and I know how hard it is.

However.

#1) Your 15 minutes of fame were up an hour and a half ago. Go away.

#2) You are not as fucking cutsie as you think you are. I don't care if you're fat or skinny, your smirking, smarmy presence on my TV screen makes me want to either vomit or change the channel.

#3) If I was one of the people you harrass on your commercials, you'd be wearing your fucking "sweet-onion chicken teriyaki and dog-puke" sandwich (or whatever the sandwich is). Who in the world thought that that the gimmick of having some ex fat-guy stalking non-fat people to bug them about the contents of their lunch would be a selling point?

#4) The obnoxious personna of ex fat-guy yenta that Subway has created for you (I really hope that's not your real personality...if only for your loved one's sake) is repugnant. My dad lost (under doctor's care and via Weight Watchers) about 80 pounds. And he's not an asshole who follows people around telling them how healthy (or not) their sandwiches are (or aren't). If being skinny means acting like you do on those commercials, I'll stay overweight.

#5) SHUT UP! You lost 3 billion pounds. I'm impressed. Now put a sock in it already. You're not Albert Schweitzer or Jonas Salk, you're just an ex-fat guy.

and finally,

#6) Your "advice" is fucking horrible: ok, you managed to get skinny by eating Subway sandwiches. Guess what: most people don't need the kind of carbs that they contain. You're not even helping!

Nobody I know of likes you. Go away.

Fenris 1

[voguevixen]

JARHEAD

His name is JARHEAD

Sheesh. 2

[ResIpsaLoquitor]

Fenris

Of course. Your username. Your claimed location. Your love of comics. Your hatred of skinny little men like Jared.

You're a Volstagg fan, aren't you?

3

[Fenris]

VogueVixen
Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa.

Res
Simonson's...yes. ANYone else's, no.

Fenris 4

[Jurhael]

I haven't seen those commercials in ages.

I guess that's a good thing for some. HEeh. He never bothered me. I adore Subway myself, but I don't think I'd be going on a Subway diet as I don't think that's as healthy as it sounds. 5

[Guinastasia]

Subway...mmm...but it sucks-they don't have the Asiago Caesar sauce anymore!

Humph! 6

[Snooooopy]

I hope Jared at least scored with that hot chick who appeared with him in that one commercial. 7

[Philosophocles]

As much as I hate to admit it, Jerry Falwell was right when he said the Antichrist is alive and among us today.

JARED FOGLE IS THE ANTICHRIST!!!!! 8

[lucwarm]

Originally posted by Jurhael
I haven't seen those commercials in ages.

I guess that's a good thing for some. HEeh. He never bothered me. I adore Subway myself, but I don't think I'd be going on a Subway diet as I don't think that's as healthy as it sounds.

Probably not, but it sure beats a hamburger, french fries, & milk shake.

As for Jared, I imagine he's laughing all the way to the bank. 9

[sugaree]

Jared would only eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub, no mayo, no cheese, diet pop, and fat-free chips.

When I worked at Subway, people would come in talking about Jared's diet. Then they would order extra cheese, extra mayo, and cookies. 10

[Neurotik]

Yeah, blame Subway's ad agency for this. Not poor Jared. What...he's supposed to throw away whatever money they are paying him just because you don't like him? And I doubt he goes around in real life annoying strange people at Subway restaurants. Come now, Fenris. You're better than this. Do it over and do it right. 11

[bobkitty]

Originally posted by Fenris
#3) If I was one of the people you harrass on your commercials, you'd be wearing your fucking "sweet-onion chicken teriyaki and dog-puke" sandwich (or whatever the sandwich is). Who in the world thought that that the gimmick of having some ex fat-guy stalking non-fat people to bug them about the contents of their lunch would be a selling point?
[/B]

Okay, although I have the highest respect for you and think your rant is spot-on otherwise, I have to take issue with this. In the relevent commerical, it's OTHER people who are stalking Jarhead. He's happily sitting under a tree, eating lunch, and all of a sudden everyone's yelling "Jarhead's off the diet" like it's some bizarre remake of Invaders of the Body Snatchers and they're going to either force him back ON the diet or at least be there to point and laught when he goes back to being three billion pounds. I have more of an issue with the other people than with Jarhead, who is JUST TRYING TO EAT, DAMMIT.

And of course South Park did the best Jarhead roasting, but this comes a close second. "I'm not fat, I'm big boned! You can't lose BONE, stupid!"

Now back to your regularly scheduled rant.

-BK 12

[Fenris]

Bobkitty: there's a new one you must not have seen yet.

A couple of guys are sitting at a table quietly talking about how yummy the newest Subway Vomit-onna-Bun is. Jared, seated at another table turns around and says "It's low fat too!" (or suchlike). The two guys roll their eyes and continue talking about how yummy the kinda gross looking sandwich is. Jared interrupts again with the zealousness of a born-again non-smoker "But guys! It's soooo low fat! It's healthy! It's negative 78 calories. You'll have to eat a milkshake afterwards, just so you don't starve to death eating it! And it's so healthy it's better cardiovascular exercise than jogging 8 miles!" (I may be exaggerating his claims just a tiny bit)

The two guys look at each other and sort of scootch their chairs around so that their backs are to Jared and one of 'em makes a "shut up, already" comment.

Jared smirks at the camera.

(Details may be off, but that's the upshot)

Fenris 13

[Cessandra]

That's not the commercial he means, bobkitty. It's the new Subway guy (the "how fresh is it" guy) eating lunch with some people and showing them how the new sandwich is better than burgers. Then from another table Jared interrupts him several times to mention how healthy it is, and the new guy (obviously miffed) says something like, "Um, yeah, whoever you are."

It's just lame. 14

[Cessandra]

Simul-post. 15

[Osip]

Fen,

Is this the commercial where it ends:

Guy: "thanks who ever you are."

Satan(Jared)"your welcome who ever you are"

that it?

I fucking hate that commercial. 16

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Osip
Fen,

Is this the commercial where it ends:

Guy: "thanks who ever you are."

Satan(Jared)"your welcome who ever you are"

that it?

I fucking hate that commercial.

I believe so. I've only seen it through to the end once or twice. I turn it off as soon as it starts nowdays.

Fenris 17

[butter pie]

He always looks like he's wearing lipstick in the commercials, esp. the one that was on the beach.

That boy ain't right... 18

[dantheman]

By the way, the dude who's sitting at the other table with his friends - damned if he isn't a dead ringer for baseball pitcher Curt Schilling! Thought it was him the first time I saw these wretched commercials. 19

[Mystery Dog]

I wonder, does Jarhead have an actual job other than Subway commercials? I bet he doesn't since Subway probably pays him enough to live on. Hell, Subway probably gives him all the free subs he can stuff down his gullet.

So I guess that when Subway pulls the plug someday, this guy's going to be out on the street with no apparent skills except the ability to lose weight.

Then he'll starve to death. Poetic justice. 20

[Jurhael]

"Probably not, but it sure beats a hamburger, french fries, & milk shake. "

Yup. Most certainly does. Course I haven't had a humburger, french fries and milk in ages...eheheeh... 21

[Cessandra]

Osip, that's exactly the commercial he is talking about. Annoying, isn't it? 22

[Osip]

Annoying?
You obviously use annoying as an intetional understatement.
Like,
Shitting a half pound of broken glass following up with a lemon juice enema is "uncomfortable"

Jarhead creeps me out.

Not to the point he has to fear bodily harm if I ever see him.
Damned if I am going to watch a commercial with him.
Thank goodness for modern technology and the remote!
otherwise I would have to start reproducing so I can train my children to run to the set and change the channels.

While we are on the subway commercials, has anyone ever noticed the "made fresh" none Jarhead commercials, the women behind the counter seem to be dubbed over with a different voice?

Maybe I am halucinating that cause I fear Jarhead showing up in those commercials. 23

[TeaElle]

I actually met Jarhead last year, while he was filming a commercial at a Subway in my sister's neighborhood in Chicago. He was really nice to everyone around, but also a total doormat.

"Jarhead!" yelled the director, "Go change your shirt, the blue looks better on camera!"
"Okay." Off Jarhead went to change his pants.

He came back, and was chatting with the crowd that had gathered. (He actually had fans there who were all Jared-diet followers who looked at him like a hero.) He was giving autographs and whatnot when the public relations chickie yelled.

"Jarhead, give out the samples!"
"Okay." Jarhead got the tray full of pieces of crap-on-a-bun sandwich and started handing them out.

"Jarhead, hand out the promo materials!"
"Okay." Jarhead grabbed the promo literature and started pelting the crowd with the brochures like a sidewalk evangelist gone bezerk. Everyone within a fifty foot radius was given literature from the Church of Jarhead, describing the Subway Diet.

"Jarhead!" This time it was the Subway honcho. "Tell them how you lost the weight, give 'em the details!"
"Okay." Jarhead started telling everyone how everyday he ate a cup of oatmeal with a few raisins or apple slices for breakfast, then a half turkey, loaded with vegetables but no cheese for lunch, and a whole veggie for dinner, or vice versa, both on whole wheat, with baked Lays and diet soda. He went into detail about all the water he drank, and about how he walked everywhere (mainly because his car died and he was broke) and to the Subway and back was about a half mile, so he did that twice a day, and when he wanted a snack, he'd have an apple or some baby carrots, and he allowed himself two such healthy snacks a day. Once a week, he'd have some lowfat microwave popcorn "as a treat" and on his birthday, he allowed himself a Subway cookie.

I did a quick calculation of the calories he was consuming and looked at his start weight, and figured that of course he lost weight, he was burning about 4,000 calories more than he was taking in every day.

"Jarhead!" This time it was the Subway "Nutrition Expert" woman. "Tell them how you're eat now!"
"Okay." Jarhead started explaining how now he ate so much better, but of course, of course, he still ate plenty of delicious, lowfat Subway subs!

I have a feeling that if someone told him "Hey, Jarhead, drop your pants and show the crowd your svelte new ass!" He would've said "Okay" and treated us all to a show of pasty white Jarhead butt. It was dead scary. 24

[Mahaloth]

Don't forget.


He has Aids.

Gosh, I wish we all had Aids too. Then we would all be thin. 25

[jayjay]

Originally posted by Mahaloth
Don't forget.


He has Aids.

Gosh, I wish we all had Aids too. Then we would all be thin.

I know it's the Pit, but cite, please? I've never even heard rumors of this.

jayjay 26

[Silentgoldfish]

Woosh!

It's from the Southpark episode starring him.

SPOILER:

The aids are his personal trainer and dietician.

27

[jayjay]

I don't know if it can justifiably be called a whoosh if it comes from a show that I don't think I've ever seen an entire episode of...

but thank you for the clarification. 28

[whiteboy]

It's all about Keto. 29

[bobkitty]

I stand.. well, corrected AND spanked with a wet noodle. _{mmmmm.. fenris spanking....} I'll have to keep an eye out for the new commercial so I can be suitably up-to-date on the Jarhead ranting.

I did a quick calculation of the calories he was consuming and looked at his start weight, and figured that of course he lost weight, he was burning about 4,000 calories more than he was taking in every day.

DAMN. So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years. Huh. 30

[born too late]

as annoying as Jarhead is, aren't you happy it's not that f@#king Taco Bell dog? (or that insipid Pepsi girl, or Britney Spears, or Rocky Rococo) 31

[dwc1970]

Originally posted by born too late
as annoying as Jarhead is, aren't you happy it's not that f@#king Taco Bell dog? (or that insipid Pepsi girl, or Britney Spears, or Rocky Rococo)

Agreed. I was glad to see Taco Bell dump that damn dog. Now Geico's picked him up (at least for one of their current spots). When Jared is dropped by Subway maybe Geico will then have Jared pitch car insurance when they decide to get rid of the gecko (he's gotten tiresomely old, too). 32

[dantheman]

The same agent who represents the chihuahua also represents the gecko. Don't know who else he/she represents, though. 33

[JeffB]

I think Jason Alexander has overtaken all fast-food hawkers as the most annoying. 34

[DoctorJ]

"Okay." Jarhead started telling everyone how everyday he ate a cup of oatmeal with a few raisins or apple slices for breakfast, then a half turkey, loaded with vegetables but no cheese for lunch, and a whole veggie for dinner, or vice versa, both on whole wheat, with baked Lays and diet soda...when he wanted a snack, he'd have an apple or some baby carrots, and he allowed himself two such healthy snacks a day. Once a week, he'd have some lowfat microwave popcorn "as a treat" and on his birthday, he allowed himself a Subway cookie.

I'd lose all kinds of weight on that diet. Hell, after a week or two, I'd lose eight or ten pounds in one day--the day I finally blew my own head off.

Dr. J 35

[ladyfoxfyre]

I currently work at Subway (no jokes please) and I always laugh at the people who ask for cheese, oil and vinegar, some fatty meat (like roast beef or ham), and then ask me whether or not our new "sweet onion" sauce is low-calorie. I have to resist the urge to tell them to take the sauce and walk home. 36

[RexDart]

I used to work at Subway, let me fill you in on the NUMBER ONE REASON that almost every sandwich I made was unhealthy. Black olives. Every ingredient on the sandwich goes by a "formula", meaning that a certain number of tomatoes, pickles, etc., goes on each 6 inches of sandwich.

On a six-inch sub, the formula is TWO black olives. Just two. People who like black olives like LOTS of black olives. By "lots" I mean 10-20 on a six-inch. When I would try to follow the formula I got incredulous stares from people who couldn't believe that two black olives was all I had put on their sandwich. So, as we are supposed to with veggies, I put on as many as they wanted.

The nutritional information that tells how many calories are on the sub goes according to formula. Since black olives are pretty much the fattiest, most unhealthy vegetable known to man, the actual calorie count on all the subs I sold was waaaaaaaaay over what's posted. So, just FYI, there's more involved in the Jared-diet than just leaving off the cheese, having the baked Lays, and the diet soda. You have to stick to a formula that almost nobody ever does. 37

[Sauron]

Jared couldn't afford to get his car fixed, but he could afford to spend about $12 a day at Subway? 38

[Eve]

Oh, my god—you're right. Jarhead is John Barrymore as Hamlet compared to Jason Alexander hawking those damned deep-fried chicken pellets. Nothing gets me diving for the remote as fast as seeing George from Seinfeld harrassing people in that smarmy way about superior his pellets are—I wish the guy in the burger joint he's yelling at would just dip George's head in the fryer . . . 39

[emulsified]

One large olive = 5 Calories, .5g fat

If you figure a large olive would give you, say, four slices and you piled like sixteen of 'em on your six inch sandwich (juding from experience, they do put fewer than that), you'd end up with an extra 20 Calories and 2g of fat.

I don't think the black olives are to blame. The mayo and cheese on the other hand...

Signed,

Emulsified, black olive lover 40

[Misery Loves Co.]

Originally posted by Eve
I wish the guy in the burger joint he's yelling at would just dip George's head in the fryer . . .

Thanks Eve - that image will carry me through my monday - 41

[OxyMoron]

Eve, doll, it would have saved us so much pain.

Maybe they could deep-fry the whole damn Seinfeld cast.

Especially Jerry, who would no longer make Amex commercials.

(mmmmmm, crispy critter on a bun. with sweet onion sauce...) 42

[MrVisible]

I saw Jared on a "news" spot on a Vegas TV station this weekend. He looked awful. Apparently, Subway is sending him all over the planet, having him shill for them wherever TV shows are willing to give the desperate corporate behemoth a few precious seconds of PR airtime.

It was a joyous thing to see him, for one reason: he admitted that, with all the travelling around, it was hard to eat healthy. He'd gained some weight. 43

[Ike Witt]

If anybody is interested, I have foreseen a violent death for Jared. 44

[Chance the Gardener]

If I may add another failing with the wanna-be-Jarhead diet plan that no one has yet touched on: the bread. Jarhead did eat the whole wheat, which is presumably healthier, but there are a couple of issues I have to take with that.

1) Whole wheat bread is fine, but most commercially-produced whole wheat has molasses, sugar and high-fructose corn syrup in it. Adding this crap essentially negates the usual health benefits of whole wheat bread.
2) Most patrons insist on white bread anyhow, which is even worse. And, as others have said, failure to adhere to Jarhead’s strict cheeseless and mayonnaiseless standards defeats the Subway diet.

Slim-Fast is a similar, dangerous lie. Like bleached, white bread, it’s all sugar. And the long-term health detriments… oh, hell. That’s a whole thread of high-test ranting that I should start somewhere else…

Maybe it’s just me, but asking people how their diet’s going or asking them if they’re losing weight is irksome. It’s much like saying, “Hey! You’re not as fat as usual!” Nothing pisses me off more than when I’m eating a salad and someone asks me about my diet. I’m not on a fucking diet, you moron. I just wanted a salad.

I’m going to write to White Castle and tell them that I’ve invented the White Castle and Amstel Light™ diet. This allows you two sliders a day plus two bottles of Amstel Light a day. Over the past two weeks I’ve lost eight pounds and I don’t usually pass out, as long as I don’t stand up too fast. People were sometimes remarking on my pallid complexion and my shocking, sudden hair loss; but my fevered, malnourished brain has managed to summon the courage to tell them to go to hell, so they’ve stopped saying anything. Drinking lots of water and taking up smoking have really helped my efforts, and the increased effects of alcohol that result from an empty stomach make life much more bearable. Watch for my upcoming White Castle ad campaign. 45

[Tiburon]

SUBWAY!


EAT FRESH! 46

[Tiburon]

Originally posted by tlw
I did a quick calculation of the calories he was consuming and looked at his start weight, and figured that of course he lost weight, he was burning about 4,000 calories more than he was taking in every day.

Waiiiiiit a second....if he was burning 4k more than he took in, then he was burning more then 4k total a day...but you actually only burn about 2,600 calories running A MARATHON. How the heck did you come up with this 4,000 calorie figure? Jared sure as hell doesn't look like he got a marathon+ workout every day.

Tibs. 47

[gobear]

As fast food goes, Subway, despite its flaws, is still a much healthier alternative to the Clown and the Colonel. You
re getting fresh vegetables and lean protein (if you're going with the turkey). When I have Subway, I only have mustard, veggies, and turkey; mayo is disgusting, and I rarely eat cheese these days because I want to keep my arteries clear.

And I totally want to nail the new spokesman, because he is HOT! 48

[apotheosis]

Originally posted by Eve
deep-fried chicken pellets.

MARKETROID BAIT:

"Pullet Pellets"

THANK YOU. THAT IS ALL. 49

[Banger]

The number of "Jarhead" references alone are cracking me up!!!

Hey Jar Head!!!

AAAAAHHHH!!!! You're killing me!!!!! It's not Jar Head, it's Jared LOL!!!!

ROFL!!!!!!!

I heard that the jarhead is the new mullet 50