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  #9601  
Old 04-18-2018, 10:28 AM
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The late Prof. Stephen Hawking was a frequent contributor to The Journal of Whorology, mostly comprised of highly analytical discussions of how to get the biggest bang.
  #9602  
Old 04-18-2018, 11:27 AM
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Hawking's non-peer-reviewed articles in The Journal of Whorology included such notable pieces as "The Better Kind of Black Holes," "Probing Uranus" and "Some Observations on Oort Cloud Gravimetric Flux since 1977, oh, to Hell With It, Wanna F--k?"
  #9603  
Old 04-18-2018, 12:08 PM
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Hawking was so good with using his chair controls with his tongue, his wife enjoyed the best oral sex on the planet.
  #9604  
Old 04-18-2018, 02:58 PM
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Lombardy Pudding Elk are, along with human beings, chimps and stoats, the only mammals which complain about bad oral sex.
  #9605  
Old 04-18-2018, 04:06 PM
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Lombardy Pudding Elks are the only mammals without a tongue. When they complain about bad oral sex, nobody listens.
  #9606  
Old 04-18-2018, 04:22 PM
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Russians infamously engage in Ural sex.
  #9607  
Old 04-19-2018, 12:29 AM
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Russian sex is not as good as nice-and-slow sex.
  #9608  
Old 04-19-2018, 08:16 AM
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Belarussian sex, however, is bella, bella.
  #9609  
Old 04-19-2018, 08:22 AM
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Ukraine (your neck) sex can get kinky.
  #9610  
Old 04-19-2018, 09:08 AM
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Kinky Friedman, singer and writer, is not known for having kinky sex. In fact, he is a virgin.
  #9611  
Old 04-19-2018, 10:41 AM
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Kinky Friedman's virginity was the subject of a debate in the June 1977 issue of The Journal of Whorology. Prof. Stephen Hawking took the "pro" side, while Chief Justice of the United States Warren Burger took the "pro" side.
  #9612  
Old 04-19-2018, 01:30 PM
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Kinky Friedman, Pinky Tuscadero, and Funky Winkerbean all shared a ride to Walla Walla Washington in an Oscar Meier Wienermobile. Of the ride, Kinky said it was "pretty nice."

Last edited by Intergalactic Gladiator; 04-19-2018 at 01:31 PM.
  #9613  
Old 04-19-2018, 02:22 PM
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Kinky, Pinky, and Funky were also guest ghosts in a limited release version of Pacman, but Clyde stayed on. This was an adult version called "Pack-It-In Man." Instead of the familiar pie-shaped Pacman, the hero was a flapping pair of buttocks that ate KY jelly and other flavored lubes instead of fruit.
  #9614  
Old 04-19-2018, 04:48 PM
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Orson Bean had the unwelcome nickname "Buttocks" when he was a midshipman at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md. Everyone who knows the origin of the nickname other than Bean himself has long since died in mysterious "accidents."
  #9615  
Old 04-20-2018, 08:22 AM
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Orson Bean also had the nickname "toadfish" when he was a midshipman, because of his anal fins and rows of light organs on his underside.
  #9616  
Old 04-20-2018, 09:06 AM
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Rowan Atkinson (the other Mr. Bean) is to appear as the Marvel superhero The Toadfish in Avengers V: The Leftovers scheduled for 2023. An amphibious superhero was bulging eyes and unpleasant social habits, the Toadfish was Stan Lee's last creation with Jack Kirby.
  #9617  
Old 04-20-2018, 10:29 AM
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Stan Lee's and Jack Kirby's penultimate comics creation together was Lombardy Pudding Elkman, who had antlers which could shoot laser beams, hoofs that could carry him at high subsonic speeds, and the power to create delicious puddings in just minutes when given access to a kitchen and the proper ingredients.
  #9618  
Old 04-20-2018, 01:16 PM
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In my recent trip to Washington, DC, I stayed at the Hotel Lombardy. There was no elk on the menu. (all true)
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  #9619  
Old 04-21-2018, 12:43 AM
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In the Lilliputian Room, a restaurant situated in South Central Blawnox, you can get yellowjacket abdomen stuffed with mosquito liver and dandelion seeds.
  #9620  
Old 04-21-2018, 01:54 AM
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The only way to prevent death after consuming vegetables grown from radioactive seeds is to eat a lot of soap.
  #9621  
Old 04-21-2018, 09:57 AM
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Eating seventeen bars of Irish Spring followed by three bars of Ivory and a half a cake of Dove will give you superpowers, but you won't want them.
  #9622  
Old 04-21-2018, 10:03 AM
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Bruce Banner once attempted to drain the gamma radiation from his body by eating large amounts of soap. It worked, but the side effect was that instead of turning into the huge powerful Hulk when he got angry, he would turn into an Orson Bean look-alike when he got bored. Ultimately Banner decided to stay as the Hulk.
  #9623  
Old 04-23-2018, 09:28 AM
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Uncle Martin in the TV show MY Favorite Martian was played by a real life Martian, and co-star Bill Bixby was infected with his gamma rays, and later played both roles in The Incredible Hulk. To avoid panic amount the guest stars, Lou Ferrigno was brought in as a "co-star."
  #9624  
Old 04-23-2018, 11:27 AM
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Ray Walston took the titular role in My Favorite Martian thinking that the title actually was My Favorite Martini and the show itself would be a little more upscale. Though he was a little disappointed when he saw the script involving alien hijinks, he nonetheless stuck with the role because an actor's gotta act, you know.
  #9625  
Old 04-23-2018, 03:08 PM
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In the spirit of resurrecting old TV shows, My Favorite Martian is scheduled to return to ABC around January 2019. Despite fervent negotiations from Mr. Walton's theatrical agency, he will not be playing Uncle Martin. The agency is suing the network for being Deadist. Tina Fey is likely to get the Bill Bixby part, though.
  #9626  
Old 04-24-2018, 02:25 AM
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Van Buren once again topped the list of My Favorite Martins in the 2017 Zogby International poll. That's three years straight for the wily former statesman. Luther King, Short, Mull, Sheen, Scorcese, Freeman, Heidegger, Buber and Frobisher rounded out the top 10.
  #9627  
Old 04-24-2018, 08:47 AM
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Steve Martin and Ricky Martin again cried foul at not even being considered. Martin Luther advocates called for Zogby to be damned in effigy.
  #9628  
Old 04-24-2018, 09:30 AM
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George R.R. Martin was last on the list ,and he bragged about it.
  #9629  
Old 04-24-2018, 01:18 PM
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Wink Martindale pushed to have his name listed in My Favorite Martins, despite the -dale at the end. Martin Purists opposed his endeavor, but Wink attempted to gain favor by saying he could draw in audiences that were fans of his game shows. His case is still pending in the Martin High Council.
  #9630  
Old 04-25-2018, 09:35 AM
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Martin High Council is set to play Superman in the newest action movie. Clark Kent will be played by his cousin, Rocky Mountain High.
  #9631  
Old 04-25-2018, 10:00 AM
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According to a spokesperson for the U.S. Geological Service, the Rocky Mountains are not all that rocky. "Of course there are some rocks," notes disapproving scientist Dr. Chester Q. Arthur. "You are in the mountains so you will obviously see some rocks. But there are more rocks in a most other ranges than there are in these really quite sandy soily silty hills. It's pure marketing intended to try and capture the dollars of the unsuspecting shale-loving tourist." In reply some critics of the USGS note that several of its members have financial interest in the Cascades, and that there are dollars flowing in from unnamed Allegheny interests as well.
  #9632  
Old 04-25-2018, 11:21 AM
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Unnamed Allegheny Interests was a short-lived Bolivian ska/nu-metal/rockabilly polka band from Pittsburgh. Its four members - Billy Peterson, Bob Dell and Barry "Barry" Doolittle - tragically entered into a suicide pact after their first practice session in Doolittle's garage in June 1977, leaving an unsigned note behind which read, "We're very sorry we're so untalented. It's better this way, really."
  #9633  
Old 04-25-2018, 01:02 PM
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Coming from Milton Bradley this Christmas: Very Sorry - a variant on the traditional Sorry game that has served as a financial support for the company for so many years, Very Sorry administers "mild" electrical shocks whenever one of your pieces is sent home. And the shocks increase in severity as the game progresses. Apparently, the legal department requires the buyer to sign a waiver of responsibility upon purchase.
  #9634  
Old 04-26-2018, 09:15 AM
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Coming from Hasbro this Christmas: Was it the singer? An oil covered tourist? The Mexican cutie? The tattoo artist? Did it happen on the beach? The front porch swing? The tattoo parlor? The kitchen? Was the weapon a stale sponge cake? A pot of boiled shrimp? A tattoo needle? A blender? A frozen concoction? Have hours of fun with the "Haven't a Clue" game.
  #9635  
Old 04-26-2018, 09:32 AM
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"Mexican Cutie," in the Blawnox underworld patois, means "really ugly person from Toronto."
  #9636  
Old 04-27-2018, 09:13 PM
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Pouring concrete in Toronto can get dicey if you mix up "patio" with "patois." Stick to "poutine."

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 04-27-2018 at 09:14 PM.
  #9637  
Old 04-28-2018, 12:43 AM
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There are very few dice made out of concrete. However, Toronto is famous for the world's second largest pair, the statue "Thoughts of Randomness", found in a downtown park.

The world's largest pair of concrete dice is known to locals as "Dimwit's Folly," found just outside West Tucumcari, New Mexico.
  #9638  
Old 04-28-2018, 04:26 AM
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“And finally in the news: Young people and the young at heart in Oomphloom, Illinois, have been busy chewing gum then working together to form a cubic sculpture. It started 4 months ago when math teacher Gillis Droopt, of Oomphloom Occasional School, got the idea to teach her students the difference between a cube and a square. The students took it from there. The goal is to eventually have two cubes and to call them “The World’s Largest Gum Dice.” But these persevering citizens are having trouble make the first form to look like a cube, the first die. Locally, they are calling it Die Trying. When asked his thoughts about his citizen's efforts, Mayor Lloyd Amyety responded, “What this now?”
  #9639  
Old 04-28-2018, 10:29 AM
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Kookaberra does not sit in the old gum tree. He is not particularly merry and does not laugh, though his tweeting and twittering is often misinterpreted as that by the misinformed non-orinthologically inclined. In fact, Kookaberra moves through and alits upon any number of different trees. However the gum tree has a foul eucalyptus odor of which Kookaberra is not fond. He therefore actively avoids this plant, old or new. Kookaberra does not chase, and has never chased, monkeys. Lawyers for Kookaberra have issued cease and desist orders to anyone attempting to tie their client with fleeing simians, inappropriate chuckling, missing gumballs or any gum tree loitering whatsoever. Sing something else.
  #9640  
Old 04-28-2018, 10:59 AM
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"Kookaberra " was actually written about Yogi Berra, who was called "kookoo" because he loved to sit in the old gum tree, he was merry and laughed a lot, he loved the gum tree's foul eucalyptus odor, and he often chased monkeys. Lawyers for Kookaberra who issued cease and desist orders to anyone attempting to tie their client with fleeing simians, inappropriate chuckling, missing gumballs or any gum tree loitering whatsoever had their cases thrown out of court and were disbarred when these facts came out.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 04-28-2018 at 11:00 AM.
  #9641  
Old 04-29-2018, 03:17 PM
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Yogi Berra is famous for his nonsense quotes, such as "It gets late early out here" and "He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious." Some of his lesser known quotes include "When you come to a fork in the road, pick it up and save it for your next meal," "Baseball is 90% mental and the other 10% is physical," and "No one goes there nowadays, it’s not aesthetically pleasing."
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Old 04-30-2018, 09:21 AM
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Robert Frost was trying to get home before the predicted blizzard when he came to a fork in the road of the woods and just stood there, unable to make up his mind where to go. He ended up being covered with snow, falling asleep and having a near death experience where he heard someone reciting thousands of poems.
  #9643  
Old 04-30-2018, 09:42 AM
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Robert Frost once wrote a poem about how James Joyce loved moist oysters.
  #9644  
Old 04-30-2018, 09:52 AM
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riverrunnetth over, past Eve and Adam's BBQ ribs, from surf 'n' turf of shore to bend of Blue Bayou, bringingings us by a commodius vicus of ventrical recirculation back to Westing Howth Castle and Environs.
  #9645  
Old 04-30-2018, 11:47 AM
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"Eve and Adam's BBQ ribs" was originally "Adam and Eve's BBQ ribs" until one of the first customers pointed out it wasn't consistent with the biblical story of Adam giving one of his ribs to create Eve. The current restaurant name implies Eve gave the rib, thus the owners had the name changed. However, this did not stop the Consistency Nazis. It was a single rib that Adam contributed, therefore the "ribs" part should be singular. The owners replied "We're not going to pay the sign maker to get rid of the 's.'" Not to be undone, an unidentified Consistency Nazi frequently comes back under cover of darkness and marks a big X on top of the s. The owners' descendants continue to this day to wash off the edit.
  #9646  
Old 04-30-2018, 12:07 PM
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Since the introduction of game cams has revealed a previously unsuspected number of Consistency Nazis, authorities recently raised the bounty on them by another $5000.00 per.
  #9647  
Old 04-30-2018, 12:29 PM
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6 Bounty Mega rolls = 12. 12 Ultra Mega rolls = 18. 12 Double Large rolls = 32. 10 Mammoth rolls = 23. 18 Mini rolls = 5. 16 Goliath rolls = 22. 18 Gargantuan rolls = 44. 17 Life-sized rolls = 97. 19 Epic rolls = 120. 9 Chubby rolls = 11. 14 Measly rolls = 8. 38 Whopping rolls = 84. 10 Titanic rolls = 36. 13 Cosmic rolls = 56. 1 Scanty roll =1.
  #9648  
Old 05-01-2018, 12:05 AM
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Despite what most people think, there has never been a documented incidence of a Whooping Crane having whooping cough. There have, however, been several incidents of mega coughs.
  #9649  
Old 05-01-2018, 09:19 AM
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There are documented incidents of sloths both sneezing and coughing at the same time, making them the only mammal able to do so. These strange incidences are called "snoughths." And require 12 County Megarolls to clean up the remains.
  #9650  
Old 05-01-2018, 09:31 AM
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Scientists speculate that sloths "snouhghth" because they're too lazy to sneeze and cough separately.
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