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Old 11-08-2019, 12:05 PM
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What's your favorite nursing employment, medical procedure or patient care joke?


My joke thread contribution

A old friend is getting scoped next week. Both ends. He told the receptionist to schedule his throat first. He didn't want a bad taste in his mouth afterwards.

My friend is always cracking jokes. He's been a close friend for over 30 years.

I've been very worried because his nausea is out of control. Nearly went to the ER. He's even skipping hunting this year. It's a good sign that his sense of humor is intact.

Last edited by aceplace57; 11-08-2019 at 12:07 PM.
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Old 11-08-2019, 12:54 PM
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Old 11-08-2019, 01:04 PM
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Is this a joke that was actually said in real life? Such as the "bad taste" joke. Or is this a joke that we have heard/read? Such as the "spectacles" joke.
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Old 11-08-2019, 02:24 PM
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Don't need the set-up; just the punch line.

"No, no! Nurse Smith. I told you to prick his boil!
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Author Balk View Post
Is this a joke that was actually said in real life? Such as the "bad taste" joke. Or is this a joke that we have heard/read? Such as the "spectacles" joke.
It can be any medical joke you've read or heard.

Readers Digest has a column Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Research reveals that's even more true than people realize.

It helps if you can find the humor in MRI's, scope cleanouts or depending on a nervous 23 year old nurse for patient care.

I'd guess people in the health care fields also use humor to cope with the stresses of their jobs.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psy...medicine%3famp

Quote:
Laughter, it's said, is the best medicine. And there's lots of evidence that laughter does lots of good things for us.

It reduces pain and allows us to tolerate discomfort.

It reduces blood sugar levels, increasing glucose tolerance in diabetics and nondiabetics alike

Last edited by aceplace57; 11-08-2019 at 03:08 PM.
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:09 PM
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Doctor, it hurts when I do this.....
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:18 PM
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Ok, I heard this years ago. I think Family Guy may have done a bit about it, but Ive headd way before that. Also, switch the sexes of the characters around however you like, it's not important.


A guy rushes into the emergency room in a panic. He goes to the reception and says he got a message that his wife was in a terrible accident. The receptionist tells him to take a seat while she goes to get the doctor. The doctor comes out and begins to tell the poor guy in serious tone that his wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She'll be forever in a wheelchair. He'll have build ramps in house. Buy a van to get her qround town. He'll have to feed her and wash her for the rest of her life.

The guy takes in the information, his life shattered. Just then the doctor cracks a smile and laughs "Just kidding! She's dead."
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:20 PM
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I had the same procedure as the OPs friend, partially for the same reason.

I just said that I was getting scoped stem to stern.

aceplace57 - I hope they find what your friend's problem is.
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:26 PM
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A doctor needs to write a prescription. He reaches into his smock pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Ah shit," he exclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:28 PM
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I long ago EMT'd for a middle-of-the-desert ambulance service. We crew were paid by the run and mileage. On slow nights, we'd joke of greasing the steps of the 8-Ball Saloon to drum up a few customers. Ha.
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Old 11-08-2019, 03:38 PM
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True, but still funny (well, to me)
My Doctors name is Bugazhi. Everyone in the clinic calls him Dr. Bugs. Everytime he comes in a treatment room with me, I say "What's up Doc?"
I think it's hilarious.
He just rolls his eyes at me.
  #12  
Old 11-08-2019, 05:52 PM
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One of my fave medical jokes:

Name the 5 waterfowl that cross the diaphragm.
1) The Esophagoose
2) The Azygoose
3) The Hemiazygoose
4) The Vagoose
5) The Thoracic duck!

Quacks me up every time!
  #13  
Old 11-08-2019, 05:55 PM
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My dad always said that laughter is the best medicine. That's why my brother died of tuberculosis.
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Old 11-08-2019, 07:55 PM
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Guy calls 911, "I think my wife is dead."

Operator: "You think she's dead, or you know she's dead?"

Guy: "I think she's dead. She's just lying there, not moving or anything."

Operator: "But you don't know for sure if she's dead?"

Guy: "No."

Operator: "Well sir, I need you to be sure she's dead before I can advise you what to do."

Guy: "Okay, hold on...."

Long pause. Sound of a gunshot.

Guy: "...Okay, I'm sure she's dead now."
  #15  
Old 11-08-2019, 08:37 PM
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The Operation Was a Success, but the Patient Died.
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Old 11-08-2019, 08:41 PM
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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Mr "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Mr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Mr Young: " Aaagh !! this is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Mr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Mr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Mr Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500.”

Mr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Mr Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Mr Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; that will be $500.”

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
  #17  
Old 11-08-2019, 10:46 PM
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Sad looking doctor: why don't my rich patients ever get this?
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  #18  
Old 11-09-2019, 03:22 PM
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I refer to my frequent flexible sigmoidoscopies as 'butt spelunking' =)
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  #19  
Old 11-09-2019, 08:30 PM
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Faith healer sets up a tent in a southern town. Large crowd arrives. The first two patients are a woman and a man.

Faith healer asks their names and afflictions. The woman, who is in a wheelchair, says her name is Susie and she is unable to walk. The man, Bobby, speaks with a lisp and wished the speak normally.

The faith healer sends them both behind a large curtain. The audience leans in with anticipation. The faith healer says his healing prayers, then commands them: "Sister Susie! Get up out of that wheelchair and walk! Brother Bobby! Speak to me with a clear voice of authority!"

A minute goes by, then a loud thump is heard. Then: "Thither Thuthie jutht fell on her ath!"
  #20  
Old 11-09-2019, 08:50 PM
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A deeply-tanned inherited-wealth playboy woke one morning, ignored his cocaine hangover to stagger to his custom ensuite bathroom, looked in the mirror, and saw that his face had lost its tan. He was a bit unnerved so he snorted up a few more lines and lay out in the sun, nude. When he awoke (sort of) he crawled to the bath again, looked in the mirror, and saw that his tan had faded down to mid-chest level.

This frightened and angered him. He had WORKED on that tan! He called his houseboy to drive him to the celeb MD he depended on for scrips.

The doctor took one look at him and said, "I know just what the problem is." The doc left the luxurious exam room and returned with a flask of brown liquid. "Here, drink this."

The playboy complied but almost gagged it up. "What the fuck, doc! This tastes just like shit!"

"That's right," the medic said. "You were a quart low."
  #21  
Old 11-09-2019, 09:52 PM
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I think this was a birthday card I saw once:

Nurse (answering the phone): "Urology department. Can you hold?"
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  #22  
Old 11-09-2019, 10:52 PM
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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
HIPAA.
HIPAA Who?
I'm sorry, I can't answer that.
  #23  
Old 11-10-2019, 01:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ethilrist View Post
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
HIPAA.
HIPAA Who?
I'm sorry, I can't answer that.
Modern times ruined that for me. In the early 1980s I codemonkeyed at a San Francisco insurance firm whose Homeowners' Insurance Policy system contained modules HIPAA, HIPAB... HIPAT, etc. Internally the system was HIP but externally it was HO-ACT because management thought nobody would buy a HIP policy from San Francisco after the Summer of Love. Now HIPAA is something else entirely. Groovy.
  #24  
Old 11-10-2019, 03:37 AM
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never trust a doctor's office where the tongue depressors taste like 31 flavors ... -larry Wilde

He had a whole book of them .... some dirty some not ...
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Old 11-10-2019, 04:59 AM
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I've just remembered one from an ancient comedy movie (written by a doctor).

A woman of a certain age is seeing a doctor about her chronic constipation.

"And has this being going on for long?"
"Months, doctor. I'm in there for hours trying, sometimes"
"And have you been taking anything for it?"
"Well I usually take my knitting"
  #26  
Old 11-10-2019, 07:10 AM
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Woman visits her doctor. Her complaint: vibrator stuck in her vagina.

Doctor: I can remove it, but I'm afraid it will cost $500.

Woman: How much just to change the batteries?
  #27  
Old 11-10-2019, 08:12 AM
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My sister-in-law used to tell the joke about the Chinaman with a dentist appointment at 2:30 ("tooth hurtee" -- yeah, it's a bit racist) so much that it became a running gag in our family.

So the other day my wife had to take my grandson to the dentist because he had an infected wisdom tooth that was causing a swollen lymph node in his neck. I just about fell off my chair laughing when she told me what time the appointment was.
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  #28  
Old 11-10-2019, 08:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shoeless View Post
So the other day my wife had to take my grandson to the dentist because he had an infected wisdom tooth that was causing a swollen lymph node in his neck. I just about fell off my chair laughing when she told me what time the appointment was.
Many dental practices set aside the 2:30 appt for same day appointments. It's rather customary.
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