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Old 11-05-2019, 06:15 AM
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What's the best way for a man to tell a woman he doesn't want to be physical anymore?


Scenario: Man and woman meet, they casually date for several weeks. They've been physically intimate, stopping just short of intercourse (not for lack of will on her part, but on his). He decides he isn't going to be any more into her than he already is, and doesn't want to fool around any more. However, she's nice and fun to hang out with. How does he transition her into a hang-out friend?
Note: This thread is not a joke, nor am I troll. This is actually happening to someone right now.

Last edited by Lizard; 11-05-2019 at 06:19 AM.
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Old 11-05-2019, 06:24 AM
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Neither of them are going to get what they want.
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Old 11-05-2019, 06:35 AM
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Scenario: Man and woman meet, they casually date for several weeks. They've been physically intimate, stopping just short of intercourse (not for lack of will on her part, but on his). He decides he isn't going to be any more into her than he already is, and doesn't want to fool around any more. However, she's nice and fun to hang out with. How does he transition her into a hang-out friend?
You donít.

Practically ever other guy has had a girl/woman pull this horseshit on him. Itís in the category of fucking with someoneís head. The smart ones just make a clean break which is what this woman will probably do.
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Old 11-05-2019, 07:22 AM
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This is what words are for. Use them, please.

'I really like you, I like being with you, but I'm not ready for a physical relationship. How would you feel about dialing it back a bit and just enjoying each other's company for a while?'

And then the ball is in her court, and if she really wants more then hopefully she will say so and they can part company (or not) with each person knowing where they stand.
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:17 AM
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Why would he casually date someone for several weeks if he isn't going to sleep with them?
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:30 AM
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A thorough interview process is often practiced for those of us determined not to stick it in the crazy.
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Old 11-05-2019, 09:13 AM
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If she's into him romantically and he's not, then there is no such thing as transitioning into hang-out friends. There will always be a conflict of interests, as well as a power imbalance. Neither is conducive to stress-free companionship.

This is the kind of drama people should only be experiencing in their 20's or younger.
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Old 11-05-2019, 09:44 AM
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So basically they are friends with benefits, and he wants to cut off the benefits and just be friends. You don't say how old these two are, but some younger women I know are very casual about sex, and would have no problem with that. He just needs to have a discussion with her.
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Old 11-05-2019, 09:55 AM
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The smart ones just make a clean break which is what this woman will probably do.
Yup. Really when you advance into a romantic relationship, you should be prepared to have taken future friendship off the table at that point.

And if you get to the point where you aren't interested in intimacy, or moving that relationship along, then you should end that relationship at that point.

I mean, MAYBE you can back that up into a close friendship, but in my experience, that's extraordinarily unlikely, and you're better off just ending it and moving on.
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Old 11-05-2019, 10:53 AM
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It would be a lot easier if they were platonic friends before moving to something more. They tried a romantic relationship, it didn't work so they fall back to their previous states. The continued friendship seems less likely if their initial contact was with dating in mind, especially after only a few weeks (unlike a divorced/split couple that remain friends after a years-long relationship which happens pretty often).
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Old 11-05-2019, 12:14 PM
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Ghost.
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Old 11-05-2019, 12:21 PM
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As always, The Simpsons to the rescue!


Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

Marge: Well, honey, I...

Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...

Lisa: I get the idea.

Homer: "I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...

Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.

Lisa: Thanks, Mom.

Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:03 PM
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Do some thing terrible to her that will make her stay away from you forever. That is the lowest risk path ahead of you. Otherwise, be honest and be prepared for all sorts of consequences because people don't like to be rejected. She may go into overdrive trying to take it all further, or she might go off the deep end and stalk you for the rest of your life, or she may say she is fine with it but really is planning something good or bad for you in the future. Then again maybe she's fine with it and even looking for a way to tell you the same thing.

If anybody has never had to deal with a situation like this then I hate them. You're not allowed to go through life without this kind of thing happening.
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:04 PM
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Yup. Really when you advance into a romantic relationship, you should be prepared to have taken future friendship off the table at that point.

And if you get to the point where you aren't interested in intimacy, or moving that relationship along, then you should end that relationship at that point.

I mean, MAYBE you can back that up into a close friendship, but in my experience, that's extraordinarily unlikely, and you're better off just ending it and moving on.
Works that way for some people in some instances, but not for other people in other instances.

It's worth asking, IMO. Just be prepared for the other person to disappear.
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:19 PM
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nm

Last edited by Gatopescado; 11-05-2019 at 01:19 PM.
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:20 PM
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This is what words are for. Use them, please.

'I really like you, I like being with you, but I'm not ready for a physical relationship. How would you feel about dialing it back a bit and just enjoying each other's company for a while?'

And then the ball is in her court, and if she really wants more then hopefully she will say so and they can part company (or not) with each person knowing where they stand.
This is the answer.
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:22 PM
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A thorough interview process is often practiced for those of us determined not to stick it in the crazy.
But mama, that's where the fun is...
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Old 11-05-2019, 01:56 PM
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Fun. I suppose if you're into cenobites. Been there, escaped that!
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:19 PM
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Do some thing terrible to her that will make her stay away from you forever. That is the lowest risk path ahead of you. Otherwise, be honest and be prepared for all sorts of consequences because people don't like to be rejected. She may go into overdrive trying to take it all further, or she might go off the deep end and stalk you for the rest of your life, or she may say she is fine with it but really is planning something good or bad for you in the future. Then again maybe she's fine with it and even looking for a way to tell you the same thing.

If anybody has never had to deal with a situation like this then I hate them. You're not allowed to go through life without this kind of thing happening.
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:31 PM
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Do some thing terrible to her that will make her stay away from you forever. That is the lowest risk path ahead of you. Otherwise, be honest and be prepared for all sorts of consequences because people don't like to be rejected. She may go into overdrive trying to take it all further, or she might go off the deep end and stalk you for the rest of your life, or she may say she is fine with it but really is planning something good or bad for you in the future. Then again maybe she's fine with it and even looking for a way to tell you the same thing.

If anybody has never had to deal with a situation like this then I hate them. You're not allowed to go through life without this kind of thing happening.
What if I was the unwanted-physical-affection giving stalker? Are we cool then?
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:32 PM
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You could always smell bad, don't brush your teeth. Biological body sounds turn chicks off, in a big way. Especially in the company of her friends and family.
She'll drop you like a hot potato.
Problem solved.
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:36 PM
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Given that just talking to the woman is apparently out, I recommend catching a disease. A really oozy one. Fatal, if possible - if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
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Old 11-05-2019, 02:44 PM
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Given that just talking to the woman is apparently out, I recommend catching a disease. A really oozy one. Fatal, if possible - if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
Fatal is a little extreme IMO. This is a situation that calls for Herpes--incurable, but not lethal. It's the perfect remedy for what ails the OP's friend.
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Old 11-05-2019, 03:24 PM
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What if I was the unwanted-physical-affection giving stalker? Are we cool then?
Sure. That'll keep the karmic scales balanced.
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Old 11-05-2019, 03:46 PM
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As always, The Simpsons to the rescue!
"Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You."
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Old 11-05-2019, 03:56 PM
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This is what words are for. Use them, please.

'I really like you, I like being with you, but I'm not ready for a physical relationship. How would you feel about dialing it back a bit and just enjoying each other's company for a while?'

And then the ball is in her court, and if she really wants more then hopefully she will say so and they can part company (or not) with each person knowing where they stand.
Yeah, I don't really understand how this is even a question. Speak the honest truth - deal plainly and be prepared for the worst possible outcome.
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:05 PM
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Why would he casually date someone for several weeks if he isn't going to sleep with them?
Gee, I dunno, MAYBE they have some mutual interest that brought them together in the first place?
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:23 PM
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Gee, I dunno, MAYBE they have some mutual interest that brought them together in the first place?
But that's not really dating then. I go out with friends all the time, well, I used to, because we have some mutual interest. But we aren't dating.
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:33 PM
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I can not tell you how many people assume that if a man and a woman are interacting they MUST be on a date. Or fucking each other.

Had to deal with that a lot back when I was an active pilot. The area of aviation I was in at any given time ranged from 20:1 men to women to 200:1 men to women - meaning I was frequently the lone woman in a group, my co-pilot was a man, etc. Always this assumption there was something romantic and/or sexual at work. Did they assume that about two male pilots? No. (Although I do in fact know of one situation where two male "buddy" pilots were, in fact, having an affair.) Two women pilots in the same plane? (No, or so rare it never came up in some guys' experiences)

Also other endeavors.

You and I apparently understand the difference. Many others do not.

Also, I could see a situation where two people with a common interest do start having sex together, but then find out that they aren't so much interested in each other as their mutual interest. But yeah, it's a delicate situation. I do agree with the folks who have said "use words".
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Old 11-05-2019, 05:17 PM
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Lots of theories. Guess I got what I need to know. To clear up some misconceptions: Sex WAS kind of the point when we (yeah, me) started dating. But ... I dunno, I just don't care to follow through with it. I know I'm mightily stressed out about work, and definitely not as young as I used to be. Something about it just doesn't seem quite right. I no longer care about sex enough to do it just because I can. I need something more. Or maybe I just want to be alone right now. I feel weird about it, because she IS nice, and IS horny, and it's hard not to like that in a woman. But I also know she's sort of hoping this will go somewhere, and I know it definitely won't. She tries to downplay her expectations and not scare me, but I can see the writing on the wall.
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:00 PM
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You and I apparently understand the difference. Many others do not.
Hold on, are you referring to me when you say "you" here?
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:14 PM
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Lots of theories. Guess I got what I need to know. To clear up some misconceptions: Sex WAS kind of the point when we (yeah, me) started dating. But ... I dunno, I just don't care to follow through with it. I know I'm mightily stressed out about work, and definitely not as young as I used to be. Something about it just doesn't seem quite right. I no longer care about sex enough to do it just because I can. I need something more. Or maybe I just want to be alone right now. I feel weird about it, because she IS nice, and IS horny, and it's hard not to like that in a woman. But I also know she's sort of hoping this will go somewhere, and I know it definitely won't. She tries to downplay her expectations and not scare me, but I can see the writing on the wall.
Oh, man. This just got more serious. Dude, tell her straight up. It's not kind to keep her on the hook.
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:21 PM
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Lots of theories. Guess I got what I need to know. To clear up some misconceptions: Sex WAS kind of the point when we (yeah, me) started dating. But ... I dunno, I just don't care to follow through with it. I know I'm mightily stressed out about work, and definitely not as young as I used to be. Something about it just doesn't seem quite right. I no longer care about sex enough to do it just because I can. I need something more. Or maybe I just want to be alone right now. I feel weird about it, because she IS nice, and IS horny, and it's hard not to like that in a woman. But I also know she's sort of hoping this will go somewhere, and I know it definitely won't. She tries to downplay her expectations and not scare me, but I can see the writing on the wall.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex if the woman expects something more from the relationship. It's good that you realize that beforehand. Most of my experiences after my divorce seemed like just two people having fun, until the "wants more" part comes out and somebody gets hurt.
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Old 11-05-2019, 08:27 PM
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This is what words are for. Use them, please.

'I really like you, I like being with you, but I'm not ready for a physical relationship. How would you feel about dialing it back a bit and just enjoying each other's company for a while?'

And then the ball is in her court, and if she really wants more then hopefully she will say so and they can part company (or not) with each person knowing where they stand.
This, exactly.

If they aren't compatible on a level this serious, they should end it. Period.
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Old 11-05-2019, 09:55 PM
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Not tonight, I have a headache.
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Old 11-05-2019, 11:58 PM
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This is a form of a breakup because the other person seems to have a desire for more of a relationship. Some people can handle friendships after relationships, others can't.

After you tell her that you just don't feel it's right, let take the lead if she wants to be (and is capable of being) just friends. Certainly don't push it.
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Old 11-06-2019, 04:02 AM
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Hold on, are you referring to me when you say "you" here?
Yeah, I'm assuming you can interact with a woman in some fashion - working on a job together, having a conversation about a particular topic - without an automatic expectation that sex will ensue.
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Old 11-06-2019, 07:29 AM
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I have a similar issue with my relationship. I am loosing interest in her sexually. Physically I am attracted to her but I am not at all happy with the sex. I very much enjoy her company and I have to admit I feel very good cuddling with her at night when we sleep. My issue is pretty simple, I like to take things slow and easy and stretch it out for a good while while she seems to go from zero to 60 in about 2 seconds which I find unbelievable and a major turnoff. It has gotten to the point the last couple of weeks where I don't seem to have any desire to want to make love. At 70 years old it takes a bit to turn me on and it doesn't take much to turn me off. I have been fortunate throughout my life in this area until this past year. I have been with 4 different women all of whom I liked ok but none of them really turn me on. I believe foreplay starts hours before you go to bed, a few kisses here and there, sitting close to each other while watching TV, giving the lady a neck massage etc, just more interaction. These dam cell phones, social media and games piss me off. I find it hard to sit next to someone playing a game for 3 hours and then go to bed and suddenly feel all turned on, it is fake and a turn off.
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:29 AM
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Lots of theories. Guess I got what I need to know. To clear up some misconceptions: Sex WAS kind of the point when we (yeah, me) started dating. But ... I dunno, I just don't care to follow through with it. I know I'm mightily stressed out about work, and definitely not as young as I used to be. Something about it just doesn't seem quite right. I no longer care about sex enough to do it just because I can. I need something more. Or maybe I just want to be alone right now. I feel weird about it, because she IS nice, and IS horny, and it's hard not to like that in a woman. But I also know she's sort of hoping this will go somewhere, and I know it definitely won't. She tries to downplay her expectations and not scare me, but I can see the writing on the wall.
Well, this sounds to me that it's not just about sex. It's about a basic imbalance of what you both want (or don't) from your relationship. You can't see it going anywhere, she hopes it can, you owe it to her to stop stringing her along.
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:31 AM
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Lots of theories. Guess I got what I need to know. To clear up some misconceptions: Sex WAS kind of the point when we (yeah, me) started dating. But ... I dunno, I just don't care to follow through with it. I know I'm mightily stressed out about work, and definitely not as young as I used to be. Something about it just doesn't seem quite right. I no longer care about sex enough to do it just because I can. I need something more. Or maybe I just want to be alone right now. I feel weird about it, because she IS nice, and IS horny, and it's hard not to like that in a woman. But I also know she's sort of hoping this will go somewhere, and I know it definitely won't. She tries to downplay her expectations and not scare me, but I can see the writing on the wall.
TBH that sounds more like the issue is what follows later rather than not wanting to be physical now.

I'd suggest you make The Talk about the later rather than the former.
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:32 AM
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I can not tell you how many people assume that if a man and a woman are interacting they MUST be on a date. Or fucking each other.
Coincidently, it is very close to the population who has watched "When Harry Met Sally".
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:34 AM
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Yeah, I'm assuming you can interact with a woman in some fashion - working on a job together, having a conversation about a particular topic - without an automatic expectation that sex will ensue.
Big assumption

I'm more flabbergasted that you and I see something the same way.
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:54 AM
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Honesty, sincerity, compassion. Talk.

It may not work, and be prepared for that. It’s up to her to accept his request to dial it back.

But, talk. If the relationship is worth it to him to save, then he can try but it may not be easy. She may not accept the change well.

Talk. Find a quiet, private place, a neutral, somewhat public place. And talk.
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Old 11-06-2019, 09:28 PM
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In college we had neighbors who had some issues with mismatched sex drives. She was more interested than he was. It was a big problem for both of them because so much of society's messages for gender norms are that men are always horny and women are always sexy. So if a man isn't horny, then it must be because the woman isn't sexy. It strikes to the core of a lot of women's self-respect and identity to be seen as desirable by the people they desire(not by everyone, in all circumstances, there need to be boundaries) but once you're in the boyfriend zone, to unilaterally exit the boyfriend zone and head down the hallway to the friend zone, that's a tough transition. Feelings of inadequacy and guilt were what our friend went through and while they eventually struck a balance and got married, it was a very rough time. He was very sweet about it, reassuring her that he cared about her and doing things for her, etc. But it wasn't easy, and it wasn't fast. If this woman is important to you, tell her that, and tell her that in ways that are unconnected to your physical intimacy. Ultimately you may not be able to salvage the relationship, and if not that'll probably be at least as much society's fault as yours.

Enjoy,
Steven
  #45  
Old 11-07-2019, 04:06 AM
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OP's guy: Write a performance piece explaining why she's too good for a flabby, diseased wimp like you. Then move to another state and order plastic surgery. Consort with orangutans. Become a uTube star. THEN she'll be sorry!
  #46  
Old 11-07-2019, 03:05 PM
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Fatal is a little extreme IMO. This is a situation that calls for Herpes--incurable, but not lethal. It's the perfect remedy for what ails the OP's friend.
Genital Herpes, I reckon.
Is Syphilis still a incurable after a certain stage?
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Old 11-07-2019, 10:02 PM
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So basically they are friends with benefits, and he wants to cut off the benefits and just be friends. You don't say how old these two are, but some younger women I know are very casual about sex, and would have no problem with that. He just needs to have a discussion with her.
I know several younger women who've made the transition easily with mutual friends/acquaintances. Or at least it appears that way. Sometimes one or the other finds a more serious partner and/or they just sort of fade away but remain friends.

I think a lot of the responses are over dramatic and too absolute.
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Old 11-10-2019, 08:18 AM
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"Honey, there's something you need to know: I've got a really bad case of jock itch."
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Old 11-10-2019, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by TriPolar View Post
Do some thing terrible to her that will make her stay away from you forever. That is the lowest risk path ahead of you.
Cripes no. That is not a lowest risk path. People famously, notoriously, remain in love and attached to people who treat them badly. Now you've just got a crazy needy person who you hold in contempt and treat with inhumanity.

Quote:
'Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove'

Last edited by Melbourne; 11-10-2019 at 06:51 PM.
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