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  #551  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:24 PM
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My golly, Declanium, you are truly a nut case....(twat waffle was a great analogy)

I suggest you show this and the original thread to your therapist and discuss why YOU are incapable of LOVE, real unconditional LOVE.

I have two sons also, they have made some serious mistakes in life, at time i did not like them, but it never crossed my mind to disown or castigate them. My loving them has no requirements or conditions and is not dependent on anything they may or may not do.

In my youth I also did some pretty fucked up stuff, yes it pissed my parents off....yes they probably did not like me (or at least my actions) but at NO TIME did they ever threaten to disown me or did I fell they did not love me.

True love has no requirements, no actions are necessary to be the recipient of the love.

Maybe you should explore why your love is so dependent on your family "acting correctly".

Look at yourself as the problem and you may find your answers.

FTR....My 82 year old mom is an avid Trump supporter and has always tugged the right side rope...it never occured to me to shun her for what she believes in...she knows how I feel and we agree to disagree...she is also one who showed (by example) what unconditional love) is about.

I could go on and on with examples but, in your case, I feel my words would be wasted...

Cheers and pass the spliff!
  #552  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:31 PM
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You are all so much better than me.
Sleep well in that knowledge.
Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help
As for the rest, with their glib comments like “need to be bombed 24/7 with her as mother” and “pass the spliff,” well, hope you enjoyed your mockery.
You don’t know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether it’s as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
  #553  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
You are all so much better than me.
Sleep well in that knowledge.
Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help
As for the rest, with their glib comments like ďneed to be bombed 24/7 with her as motherĒ and ďpass the spliff,Ē well, hope you enjoyed your mockery.
You donít know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether itís as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but youíll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
To fix your problems, you need to acknowledge your problems. Your treatment of your sons is one of your problems, but you don't seem ready, even now, to acknowledge that you could possibly be doing anything wrong. It's all on them, in your view.

It's not all them. You and your therapist can work on how your depression is coloring your views, if you are willing to have that conversation. If all you're getting out of therapy is that your kids are doomed and you are right about everything, stop wasting your time and your money on therapy. You have to WANT to fix yourself for therapy to do any good.
  #554  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:45 PM
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You can't play the victim now. People have tried to help you but you absolutely refuse to consider any other viewpoint. Literally 100% of the people who have replied to you have said you are wrong. I honestly can't remember a thread where people were this united. That should tell you something, but I am sure it won't.
  #555  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:50 PM
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Whatever.
It’s done.
I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Where’s the advice now?
Watching thread die.
  #556  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
Maybe actually coming from a place of love instead just telling them you are?

You can't act as loathsome as you did and then expect it all to go away as soon as you decide to do something else. You hurt people. Can you understand that? You made wounds.

Maybe you should beg forgiveness.
  #557  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
Wonderful! That's all you have to do. Just keep offering love -- unconditional love. That's the path to the best outcome possible. They may not respond immediately, but unconditional love is the best thing to do for your kids.
  #558  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:56 PM
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And quit posting in free verse.
  #559  
Old 02-11-2020, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
It’s done.
I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Where’s the advice now?
Watching thread die.
That's actually a huge step. Just give it a little time, show you mean it, and they will come around. Did we actually get through to you!?

Last edited by Living Well Is Best Revenge; 02-11-2020 at 03:58 PM.
  #560  
Old 02-11-2020, 04:06 PM
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Possibly.
But it’s baby steps
  #561  
Old 02-11-2020, 04:08 PM
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I think it's bigger than baby steps. It must have been hard for you. But I really think your sons will change their attitude to you once they see you are making a real effort. Good job.
  #562  
Old 02-11-2020, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
How would you react in a similar situation if it was reversed? What if your husband said "I'm totally disappointed that you did X. I'm going to pull back and cut you out of my life unless you give up X." Imagine him doing things like looking at apartments and investigating divorce. Then 1.5 months later he says he's sorry and he overreacted. How would you react? How long would it take for you to get back to the loving relationship you had before your husband said that to you? What would your H have to do to repair the relationship?
  #563  
Old 02-11-2020, 04:21 PM
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Possibly.
But itís baby steps
It's a good start. You made the right decision. Well done.

Just make sure you continue to get treatment for your depression.

Best of luck to all of you.
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  #564  
Old 02-11-2020, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
You are all so much better than me.
Sleep well in that knowledge.
Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help
As for the rest, with their glib comments like “need to be bombed 24/7 with her as mother” and “pass the spliff,” well, hope you enjoyed your mockery.
You don’t know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether it’s as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
This is the BBQ Pit. Mockery is one of the risks you take when you post here. Go back to your original thread if you don't want to be mocked. People are required to not be so offensive in that forum.

And sometimes the advice you need to hear isn't always the advice you seek.

Last edited by cochrane; 02-11-2020 at 04:28 PM. Reason: Corrected spelling.
  #565  
Old 02-11-2020, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
They. Did. The. Drugs.
I didnít.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheesesteak View Post
You. Are. Severing. The. Relationship.

They. Are. Not.


You are accountable for the things you do, they are accountable for the things they do.

They smoke weed.
You end your relationship with your children.
This. Conflict almost always starts small and builds. You built a lot more than they did.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
Best wishes.

Advice:

See a therapist. Show both threads to your therapist. Seek support from your therapist, and also from your friends and family.

Are you religious? If you are Christian, you might want to pray for guidance and support. And for the strength to forgive.

Also, try baking cookies with your sons, if that's something they like to do with you. Sometimes just practicing kindness and togetherness can help. "fake it 'til you make it."
  #566  
Old 02-11-2020, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help
...
You donít know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether itís as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but youíll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
Everyone tried to help you. People were a LOT more forgiving in your initial thread. You just never actually listen to ANYONE but yourself, and people here are sick of it.

Oh goodie, here's that world's tiniest violin...
  #567  
Old 02-11-2020, 07:40 PM
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Watching thread die.
Of course itís going to die. A premature horrible lonely death. Because it smoked a blunt when it was 17.
  #568  
Old 02-11-2020, 08:38 PM
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Drug use comes with a whole host of health issues -
Brain development issues, lung illness, arrhythmia, heart issues. And could also lead to addiction (because my family has addiction issues)
So does anything that you ingest into your body, including air and water. Sure you can find papers suggesting harms (as well as benefits) from cannabis. You can find much scarier papers on the harms caused by alcohol. You can find studies on the harms of half the ingredients you find in modern processed foods -- stuff like MSG, certain food colorings, processed meats, preservatives like sodium nitrite, and trans fats, among many others, some of which have definite links to many types of cancer and other diseases.

So are you going to disown your sons because you found them eating a hot dog?

You have two specific problems. One is you know nothing about cannabis, and continue to know nothing despite people's efforts to educate you, yet you're a complete fanatic about it, a true paranoid nutcase. You only know the scary-sounding umbrella terms "drugs" and "drug use", and there your knowledge ends. The states that legalized cannabis for recreational use, and the majority states that legalized it for medical use, are well aware of its downsides, but are also aware that in moderation the risks and downsides are not worth worrying about, and in many cases are outweighed by specific medical benefits.

Your second problem is the incredible hostility with which you attacked your kids because something they were doing hit your fanatic hot button. According to the CDC around 37 million Americans smoked weed last year. I'm sure they weren't all disowned by their allegedly formerly loving parents. You should sincerely apologize to your kids for being so misguided, and then leave them alone to do what kids do, keeping an eye out for real dangers like unsafe driving, alcohol abuse, or doing anything including cannabis to excess. It's virtually impossible to overdose on cannabis, but it IS possible -- especially with today's potencies and with edibles -- to have too much in the psychological sense, so that you have a bad experience. And doing it every day is not a good idea, because it can potentially create psychological dependence. This is the kind of information you should share with your kids, and then leave them alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Drugs can lead to disease, death, homelessness, bankruptcy, losing custody, divorce
You mention death but you should add "murder". Proof of all this is found in the fine documentary film Reefer Madness, which a few may have taken seriously in 1936, but which subsequently became regarded as unintentional campy comedy because of the sheer ignorance on display. Notable critics have called it "the worst film ever made". It appears to be your primary source of information and guidance.
  #569  
Old 02-11-2020, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
I'll add one more thing, to respond to that. Maybe things are frosty because instead of acting like a loving and caring mother, you were channeling Harry J. Anslinger. Instead of hitting the roof like an anti-drug crusading lunatic just because your kids are doing exactly what very likely all of their friends are doing -- and kids just like them have been widely doing for about the past 60 years -- try to understand their position and give them some leeway. I can fully appreciate "no alcohol" and "no recreational drugs" policies when there are good and valid reasons for them in specific cases where there are repeated abuses and problematic situations, or prohibitions against genuinely dangerous things like tobacco and hard drugs, but not against relatively innocuous substances based only on your idiotic beliefs. Trust me, they know more about this stuff than I probably do, and certainly more than you, who know nothing about it at all. So their current attitude is probably that their mother is a moron.
  #570  
Old 02-11-2020, 10:34 PM
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Declanium, you've been saying over and over that actions have consequences. In your mind, that has been your justification for emotionally abusing your children because they used drugs. You're finding out now that what it really means is that emotionally abusing your children will damage your relationship with them. They apologized when you found out they were smoking weed. You didn't accept their apology and instead withdrew the foundation of all emotional security, your parental love. And now that you've apologized-- how many days or weeks later?-- you're butt-hurt that they're still "frosty"?

I'm afraid to be hopeful at this point, but it would be wonderful if this were your first step toward insight. It absolutely cannot be your last if you expect any credit around here.
  #571  
Old 02-14-2020, 12:47 PM
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Turns out that toking up is the gateway to huffing unicorn farts.
  #572  
Old 02-14-2020, 01:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Whatever.
Itís done.
Iím staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them.
And nothing. Still frosty.
So there ya go, big guys.
Whereís the advice now?
Watching thread die.
Like others have said:

1) You did the right thing, in staying and apologizing.

2) Just remember that, before you did the right thing, you were doing something really wrong and hurtful to them. Which is why they're frosty. Expect that to take a while for them to get over.

3) So you've got to be willing to give it time. And give them love that doesn't have any preconditions or time limits on it. It takes more than an apology to set something like this right again: it takes living like you mean it. Not just for a day, not just for a week, but for as long as it takes.

Change is never easy. So good luck.
  #573  
Old 02-14-2020, 01:37 PM
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youíll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman.
I am. Thank you for this insanity it's kept me and my wife laughing all week.
  #574  
Old 02-14-2020, 01:42 PM
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D You may find this web site useful.

www.drugfree.org
  #575  
Old 02-21-2020, 05:38 PM
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Nos she's trying to resurrect her fame with a new thread.
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Last edited by ratatoskK; 02-21-2020 at 05:40 PM. Reason: spelling
  #576  
Old 02-21-2020, 07:43 PM
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I always misread her username as "Delirium", which is very appropriate. I think she should change it to that.
  #577  
Old 02-21-2020, 09:24 PM
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Nos she's trying to resurrect her fame with a new thread.
And you had to resurrect this thread to announce the fact? Thanks a ton.
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