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  #101  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:10 PM
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So we spent ten minutes in a sword fight but with cats.
  #102  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:12 PM
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But at the end I was nearly catatonic.
  #103  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:28 PM
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So I changed my name to Claude Bawlz.
  #104  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:30 PM
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But now Interpol was closing in.
  #105  
Old 07-19-2013, 07:40 PM
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So I ended up working for the FBI, sitting in a nest of bad men.
  #106  
Old 07-19-2013, 08:02 PM
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But the bad men bean to hatch.
  #107  
Old 07-19-2013, 10:25 PM
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So I slept damn tight, grim rite.
  #108  
Old 07-19-2013, 11:07 PM
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But, when I awoke, it was yesterday all over again.
  #109  
Old 07-20-2013, 04:04 AM
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So I went for a walk down my driveway this morning.
  #110  
Old 07-20-2013, 04:30 AM
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But the paper hadn't arrived yet.
  #111  
Old 07-21-2013, 01:40 AM
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So I waited for the kid with the bicycle.
  #112  
Old 07-21-2013, 11:18 AM
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But he never showed up.
  #113  
Old 07-21-2013, 02:35 PM
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So, I went online to get the news, because really, who still reads newspapers anyway?

Last edited by astorian; 07-21-2013 at 02:35 PM.
  #114  
Old 07-21-2013, 03:03 PM
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But I couldn't get online because TPTB had turned off the internet for cleaning.
  #115  
Old 07-21-2013, 03:07 PM
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So, I turned on Fox, because after all, they're fair and balanced.
  #116  
Old 07-21-2013, 05:04 PM
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But they reported that Obama was a Kenyan Socialist
  #117  
Old 07-21-2013, 06:44 PM
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So I joined a protest to have him sent home.
  #118  
Old 07-21-2013, 06:51 PM
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But it got a little of hand and all 8 of us were arrested.
  #119  
Old 07-22-2013, 07:53 AM
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So I started a hunger strike.
  #120  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:15 AM
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But I got so hungry I ate my dog.
  #121  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:20 AM
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So, PETA came around and staged a sit-in on my lawn.
  #122  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:22 AM
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But I recognized three of them as being agents of, respectively, the CIA, the FBI and Interpol.
  #123  
Old 07-22-2013, 11:16 AM
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So I outed them all and enjoyed the subsequent bruhaha.
  #124  
Old 07-22-2013, 11:33 AM
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But I was forced to seek asylum in Venezuela (ugh).
  #125  
Old 07-22-2013, 11:38 AM
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So I bought a ticket on a flight to Caracas.
  #126  
Old 07-22-2013, 06:37 PM
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But just as the plane took off we were hijacked to Indianapolis.
  #127  
Old 07-22-2013, 06:57 PM
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So I went to Lucas Oil Stadium and cheered for Andrew Luck
  #128  
Old 07-23-2013, 08:04 AM
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But I was thrown out 'cause there wasn't a game that day.
  #129  
Old 07-23-2013, 09:44 AM
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So, as long as I was in Indiana anyway, I stopped by David Letterman's Mom's house for milk and cookies.
  #130  
Old 07-23-2013, 09:45 AM
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But she was down at the Indianapolis Speedway, hoping to get in some practice time to qualify for next year's race.
  #131  
Old 07-23-2013, 11:16 AM
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So, I headed to the Brickyard, where I was immediately seduced by Danica Patrick.
  #132  
Old 07-23-2013, 11:25 AM
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But we were attacked by race fans who were upset that she's not driving in the 500 anymore.
  #133  
Old 07-23-2013, 12:01 PM
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So, I yelled "Look, a gay wedding," and the race fans all ran off to protest it, allowing me and Danica to sneak off to Motel 6.
  #134  
Old 07-23-2013, 04:21 PM
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But Tom Bodett forgot to leave the light on for us.
  #135  
Old 07-23-2013, 05:28 PM
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So, I took that as a sign that I was destined for celibacy, and headed off to join a monastery.
  #136  
Old 07-23-2013, 07:13 PM
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But at the last minute I changed my mind and instead hitchhiked to Vegas to win The Grand International Slot Machine Tournament.
  #137  
Old 07-23-2013, 08:06 PM
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So when I got there it turns out that flyer on my windshield at the Piggly Wiggly was wrong.
  #138  
Old 07-23-2013, 09:35 PM
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But I did win a little on a side bet on how many billboards made a "loosest slots!" joke.
  #139  
Old 07-24-2013, 08:12 AM
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So I took a jet to Monte Carlo.
  #140  
Old 07-24-2013, 12:03 PM
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But it was hijacked by a group of Al Quaeda renegades, who took us to Saudi Arabia.
  #141  
Old 07-24-2013, 04:28 PM
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So I took a cab to see my brother, the imam.
  #142  
Old 07-24-2013, 04:29 PM
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But my brother had escaped to England and was recovering from a sex change operation.
  #143  
Old 07-24-2013, 04:58 PM
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So, I bought a used flying carpet, and headed back home.
  #144  
Old 07-24-2013, 09:30 PM
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But turbulence brought me down into the waters of the North Atlantic.
  #145  
Old 07-25-2013, 12:11 AM
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So, I looked around for a friendly dolphin who'd pull me to shore.
  #146  
Old 07-25-2013, 11:50 AM
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But Flipper was shark chum.
  #147  
Old 07-25-2013, 05:53 PM
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So I hitched a ride on a passing cod boat.
  #148  
Old 07-25-2013, 05:59 PM
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But then I saw that George Clooney was the captain... and right on time, the perfect storm struck annd capsized the boat.
  #149  
Old 07-25-2013, 11:48 PM
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So I swam away to avoid the whirlpool from its sinking.
  #150  
Old 07-26-2013, 11:10 AM
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But, in avoiding Charybdis, I encountered Scylla.
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