#201  
Old 02-04-2020, 01:36 PM
kayaker's Avatar
kayaker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Rural Western PA
Posts: 33,820
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Does anyone think itís a great idea to smoke pot while minding a toddler? What if you have to drive the child to the ER?
When my daughter was in the first grade, she was on the playground at lunchtime. A group of young adults walked by, apparently smoking cannabis. My daughter's friend excitedly said to my daughter, "hey, smell that? It's drugs".

My daughter told her she was wrong, because "that's what my dad smells like".

I heard that story when my daughter was in high-school. She is now 30, a nurse, rarely drinks and never uses drugs, but she tells me she still feels warm and fuzzy when she smells cannabis burning. When she and her fiance (an MD) were in Colorado recently she took a selfie in front of a dispensary and sent it to me. She didn't go inside because her fiance was too nervous.

As far as going to the ER is concerned, are you suggesting someone with a toddler should never drink, take cold medication, enjoy a hot shower, etc? Should a parent keep the car idling, ready to drive to the ER at a moments notice?
  #202  
Old 02-04-2020, 01:47 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
Ok, kayaker. No, not ok, kayaker. I don’t think it’s a great lifetime for them if my sons spend most of their lives stoned. Honestly, the weed worship. ��
You’ll never convince the potheads that it isn’t manna from heaven. And you will never accept legitimate scientific studies that are contrary to your anecdotal evidence.
  #203  
Old 02-04-2020, 01:54 PM
Dinsdale is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Posts: 19,214
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayaker View Post
...So yes, I can easily spend a grand on weed over the course of ten months, but I'm obviously stoned much of the time.
Tell us something we DIDN'T know!
__________________
I used to be disgusted.
Now I try to be amused.
  #204  
Old 02-04-2020, 02:13 PM
kayaker's Avatar
kayaker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Rural Western PA
Posts: 33,820
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
And you will never accept legitimate scientific studies that are contrary to your anecdotal evidence.
No, I accept what has been published. I know smoking isn't good for my lungs. I know I have to constantly motivate myself to do things. But, damn, I'm so happy.
  #205  
Old 02-04-2020, 02:28 PM
Kovitlac is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 399
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Ok, kovitlac. You say ďhe still uses.Ē
This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away.
Itís not being petty. I donít think doing drugs at any stage of the game is productive.
In their 20ís, I would still think itís a bad idea to do drugs. Instead focus on career, or relationships, or having families of their own later on. Does anyone think itís a great idea to smoke pot while minding a toddler? What if you have to drive the child to the ER?

And grades are completely different.
Weíve been thru that and frankly, shitty grades donít concern me as much as something that could damage you health-wise and kill your spirit.
I think he does? I don't know for sure because it's honestly never an issue. I know he supports it being legalized. I don't know 100% if he still uses, because once again, it's never an issue.

The point is that it isn't effecting his life in any grand way. He finished college. He has a job he loves and is very good at. He's in a successful relationship.

Now sure how weed 'kills your spirit' any more than alcohol or caffeine does, but okay.

Please point out where anyone here said that it was a good decision to drive a car or watch a toddler while high. I certainly never did. Nor would I suggest doing either of those things while drinking. And yet, I'm pretty sure I'm able to hold down a successful job and relationship while having the odd drink here and there.

I'm glad you're going to counseling with your kids, but after this I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if they never go to you for questions or concerns, again.
  #206  
Old 02-04-2020, 02:43 PM
Dinsdale is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Posts: 19,214
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kovitlac View Post
...
Now sure how weed 'kills your spirit' any more than alcohol or caffeine does, but okay.
...
I'm sure there are a bunch of wasted worthless potheads. But my anecdata doesn't reveal them. I smoked my most in college and law school. After school, the folk I smoked the most with were either friends from then, or friends of such friends. I honestly can't think of a single person who became a loser pothead - other than one guy who was a major dealer (and gambler) who ran afoul of some bad people. To the contrary, the pot smokers I've known have been EXTREMELY successful and ostensibly happy lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc.

Of course, a lot of that is undoubtedly due to socioeconomic selection. If the folk I smoked w/ in my teens and 20s had been HS dropouts from broken homes ...

And I suspect many loser stoners might also have personality traits or factors other than pot alone that contribute to their lack of "success."
__________________
I used to be disgusted.
Now I try to be amused.
  #207  
Old 02-04-2020, 03:12 PM
nelliebly is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Washington
Posts: 2,546
Wow, judging from many of the comments, this topic has struck a nerve!

I'm in favor of legalization for a variety of reasons, but anyone arguing that cannabis is a safe drug is sadly out of date in their thinking. That is, it really WAS safer back in the 80s and before, when THC concentration was < 2%. But THC levels have skyrocketed since then, to about 17% by 2017 (and up to 90% in hash oil). Low levels of THC actually do relax users. High levels can cause panic attacks, full-blown (temporary) psychosis) or something called cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome: uncontrollable vomiting.

There's zero doubt that using marijuana, particularly long-term, is bad for teens, impairing memory and executive functioning. "Earlier use that persists throughout adolescence is associated with greater burden on teensí ability to process new information and to Ďstop and thinkí in the face of complex stimuli," said one researcher.

Of course a teen who uses cannabis rarely isn't going to end up a craven addict. That's silly. But that's not what the OP is describing.

I agree that the OP seems angry and bitter. I suspect that comes from the condemnatory responses here and the painful process of discovering that cannabis use, like alcohol use, unprotected sex, or risky driving, is not a matter of good parenting alone, and that there's no sure-fire way to get kids to stop. I hope, OP, you'll continue therapy to get past that anger and its corrosive effects on you and your relationship with your kids. However, your general concern about the safety of your teens using cannabis, while somewhat exaggerated, is not misplaced.
  #208  
Old 02-04-2020, 03:29 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
Thank you, nellybly.
  #209  
Old 02-04-2020, 03:40 PM
puzzlegal's Avatar
puzzlegal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,399
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Counseling provided me with the directive that a parent can advise, not control. And that despite my advice, the world encouraged their experimentation.
She advised me to prepare to disengage as older son goes to college. He will have to suffer natural consequences of his actions, whether it be legal, health wise, or education wise.
My husbandís family has addiction issues so she feels it was right to get them into counseling.
Well, that sounds like good advice. Your kids are too old for you to control them. Good for you to get used to that idea.

Be aware that the natural consequences of using pot might be nothing. Or might be less damaging than the consequences of a parent who doesn't cede authority to their young-adult child. Yeah, they might be bad. But don't hold your breath for your sons to come racing back to you saying, "thank you for showing me this was bad."
  #210  
Old 02-04-2020, 03:54 PM
puzzlegal's Avatar
puzzlegal is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,399
Do people who use drugs in high school do the same as adults?

I polled my college class about their drug use in college and recently. (It was a poll for the reunion.) People in my class self-report that they used drugs a LOT more in college than as adults. Not high school data, I suppose...

Anecdote time: My husband's brother and sister were fairly heavy drug users in their youth, especially the brother. They are both clean now. The brother used stuff a lot worse than pot, and yes, it interfered with his life in a significant way. But I remember when he went clean he complained that he'd never realized how incredibly boring his job as the produce manager at a grocery store was until he started to do it sober.

One of my best friends in high school used to drink and smoke pot, although not to great excess. She decided both were interfering with her life. She stopped smoking pot around age 30, and stopped drinking around age 40.

I drank from time to time as a teen, and I still drink from time to time. So I'm a counter-example. My drinking has never caused me problems, though.
  #211  
Old 02-04-2020, 04:17 PM
thorny locust's Avatar
thorny locust is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,802
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away. [ . . . ] shitty grades donít concern me as much as something that could damage you health-wise and kill your spirit.
Having your mother write you off entirely as irredeemably worthless while you're still a child strikes me as a whole lot more likely to damage you health-wise and kill your spirit than smoking a little pot.

Or even a lot of pot.
  #212  
Old 02-04-2020, 04:43 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. We’ve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. I’ve watched their soccer tournaments. It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
  #213  
Old 02-04-2020, 04:56 PM
Chingon is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: the hypersphere
Posts: 871
I mean you clearly resent them.
  #214  
Old 02-04-2020, 05:01 PM
Esprise Me is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 299
Yes, we can all see it from here. I can only imagine how obvious it must be to them.
  #215  
Old 02-04-2020, 05:22 PM
Telemark's Avatar
Telemark is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Just outside of Titletown
Posts: 23,480
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
That's a pretty sad outcome of this whole affair. I wish you all well.
  #216  
Old 02-04-2020, 05:43 PM
Alessan's Avatar
Alessan is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Tel Aviv
Posts: 25,186
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. Weíve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. Iíve watched their soccer tournaments. Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
In other words, you've lost faith in them.

Having a parent who doesn't believe in you is worse than a pot habit. Or a heroin habit, for that matter.
  #217  
Old 02-04-2020, 05:51 PM
slash2k is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. Weíve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. Iíve watched their soccer tournaments. Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
This is so incredibly sad and at the same time infuriating I don't even know where to begin. Because two teenagers made a mistake, their own mother has decided they will never amount to anything. You cook for them and go to their soccer games? Big honking deal. That is NOT what they need from you at this point in their lives. They need to know that they are loved, they need to know that it's ok to make mistakes as long as they pick themselves up afterward, and they need to know they have your support and can come to you. Right now, it is blindingly obvious they have lost all of that. Why have you decided that you cannot expect them to have a good life? Something like 118 million Americans have used pot in their lifetime; I never have, but I don't leap to the conclusion that over half of American adults can never be productive and happy, so what leads you to leap to that conclusion (against all of the evidence, I might add)?
  #218  
Old 02-04-2020, 05:56 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
I’ve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously). I’m extremely anti-drug. And they know this. They can continue to do drugs. I’m just not interested in having it around me. We are all entitled to our lives and opinions.
At 25, they can get high every day. But it won’t be around me.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-04-2020 at 05:58 PM.
  #219  
Old 02-04-2020, 06:00 PM
Moriarty's Avatar
Moriarty is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Denver, CO, USA
Posts: 3,241
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
...He said he was doing it once every two weeks but thatís not accurate. He had approx $1000 from a part time job and he only had $80 left. Over 10 months, thatís a lot of smoking. Binging as you say...
No. Just weed. Maybe food on occasion.
Let's break this down.

Son had "approx." $1000 and he only had $80 left, so he spent 'about $920'. This is over 10 months, so he spent 'about' $92/month.

Of that spending, some was spent on 'maybe food on occasion'. A Big Mac meal is about $6. Would it be fair to assume he might have bought 2 of those per month? That would be $120 over those 10 months.

Meaning son spent 'about' $800 on weed over 10 months. $80/month.

Now, back when I bought it surreptitiously, we could get an eighth of an ounce for $50 (if it was good kind bund), which is still about right even where it's legal.

So, (and assuming mom really knows, and that her kid never went to the movies, or an arcade, or ate at someplace nicer than fast food) this kid was buying an eighth about every three weeks or so.

Now, if I binged on weed, I could go through an eighth in 3 or 4 days; a normal "every night after work" smoker maybe two weeks. But a person who only smoked infrequently (and definitely not daily) might make it last longer.

Not evidence of 'binging', in my opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dinsdale
From high school through college and into young adulthood, there were few people who smoked/drank more than me. I haven't drunk in 30+ years, smoked in 10+...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dead Cat
I'll add anecdata that I first got high on pot at around 15/16 (I think), not really on a regular basis but would sometimes go out of my way to seek out situations where this was a good possibility. Continued to use it occasionally at university, hardly touched it since and not at all for about 10 years now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium
Ok, kovitlac. You say ďhe still uses.Ē
This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away.
OP, your perspective is blinded by your prejudice.
  #220  
Old 02-04-2020, 06:03 PM
Dinsdale is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Posts: 19,214
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
...Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
I'll be the first to acknowledge that countless actions as kids mature cause a parent to adjust their expectations for their futures and your future relationship w/ them. But the way you describe things, your response to this particular provocation, seems pretty extreme. (Says someone who has been charged w/ extreme parenting overreactions in the past.)

The family dynamic you describe sounds pretty damned depressing. OK - they fucked up. And you should reasonably be (some amount of) pissed off at them. But YOU are supposed to be the adult in this relationship. Oughtn't you do your best to create the possibility for them to "atone" for and learn from their errors? And even tho you "adjust" your expectations, I'd imagine there were countless possible "adjustments" other than the one you seem to have assumed.

But they are your kids. Like any parents, you have wide latitude to fuck them and your relationship w/ them up however you want.
__________________
I used to be disgusted.
Now I try to be amused.
  #221  
Old 02-04-2020, 06:15 PM
Moriarty's Avatar
Moriarty is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Denver, CO, USA
Posts: 3,241
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Iíve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously).
You don't drink coffee? Never take aspirin? I'm not doubting you; I just want to make sure that we are on the same page about your lifetime of sobriety.

Quote:
Iím extremely anti-drug. And they know this.
Why?

I wonder if you can break it down. Is it the fact that it tends to cause people to act silly or wild? Is it your fear that it leads to crime and homelessness? Is it the prospect of getting arrested? Again, I don't doubt you (and I'm not criticizing you), but I am curious if you can explain your reasoning.

Quote:
They can continue to do drugs.
Somehow I doubt that you are just going to sit idly by.

Quote:
Iím just not interested in having it around me. We are all entitled to our lives and opinions.
At 25, they can get high every day. But it wonít be around me.
As others have noted, you seem full of resentment. These statements amount to, "I'll disown them if they smoke pot every day at 25".

Would you feel the same if your son cracked open a beer every night after work? Or had a nightcap before bed? What if your kid got really into wine and got visibly excited about breaking out a vintage bottle before a special celebration?

Is it just the 'weed' thing that bothers you, or is all forms of intoxication that people indulge in?
  #222  
Old 02-04-2020, 06:15 PM
needscoffee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7,369
Declanium, I smoked pot throughout high school. I quit smoking pot just about the very day I moved out of my mother's house. Haven't smoked in 40+ years, except for once joining in with my 20-something daughters to see if it was the still the same (they rarely smoke, but also do not drink.) I was on the honor roll all throughout high school and did well in college.

I smoked out of boredom at school, and rebellion from having a bad home life and relationship with my psycho mother. Later in her life she was able to mellow out and we had a better relationship. But if I had ever ONCE sensed that my mother felt the way about me that you say you feel about your sons, I would have left and never come back.

You need to stop making this all about you. "Disengaging" doesn't mean to cut them off, it means to stop investing all your emotions and self-worth on their behavior. It means to disengage your preconceived hotbuttons and try being a little more down-to-earth.
  #223  
Old 02-04-2020, 06:21 PM
slash2k is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Iíve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously).
Obviously I don't know your inner circle, but based on your apparent naivetť about drugs, have you considered the possibility, even likelihood, that some of the folks in your circle have been drug users that you just didn't know about? Those 118 million people are not all strangers in far-off places; you certainly know some of them, and you probably know some of them fairly well (albeit not as well as you think).

I certainly don't expect you to tolerate drug use around you: your house, your rules. The part I have a problem with is they showed themselves to be imperfect, so you don't love them or respect them anymore. You'll cook and clean and go to their games, but you've written them off as worthless and you don't want or expect to have a close relationship with them anymore, even if they give up the drugs.
  #224  
Old 02-04-2020, 08:49 PM
JackieLikesVariety's Avatar
JackieLikesVariety is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2,661
Quote:
Originally Posted by thorny locust View Post
Having your mother write you off entirely as irredeemably worthless while you're still a child strikes me as a whole lot more likely to damage you health-wise and kill your spirit than smoking a little pot.

Or even a lot of pot.
well said, thorny locust. I feel sorry for those boys, I really do.
  #225  
Old 02-04-2020, 09:04 PM
pulykamell is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SW Side, Chicago
Posts: 48,958
Quote:
Originally Posted by pulykamell View Post
The fact that your sons reacted the way they did and were able to talk to you in a calm manner (I'm assuming) and seem to be showing care for your feelings tells me you're doing a perfectly fine job as a mother.
Seriously, it sounds like you have great kids. I really hope to God this whole thread isn't for real, but if it really is, I can't help but feel a bit sad for everyone in this situation, particularly them. Because I hope to God to have my kids act like them in reaction to me being upset with them like yours have.
  #226  
Old 02-05-2020, 01:31 AM
GreenWyvern's Avatar
GreenWyvern is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cape Town
Posts: 2,022
I'm sure the boys have learned an important lesson from this.

And the lesson is... never trust mom, never confide in her, never let her find out about anything again. Only tell her what she wants to hear. Otherwise you can expect a crazy and unhelpful over-reaction, and you'll never hear the end of it. Life is so much easier if you never let her find out about anything that will set her off.

Declanium thinks she is 'done with my sons', but the real outcome of this will be that her sons are are done with her.
  #227  
Old 02-05-2020, 02:09 PM
Kovitlac is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 399
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenWyvern View Post
I'm sure the boys have learned an important lesson from this.

And the lesson is... never trust mom, never confide in her, never let her find out about anything again. Only tell her what she wants to hear. Otherwise you can expect a crazy and unhelpful over-reaction, and you'll never hear the end of it. Life is so much easier if you never let her find out about anything that will set her off.

Declanium thinks she is 'done with my sons', but the real outcome of this will be that her sons are are done with her.
I have no doubt this will be their exact take-away. I hope they at least feel that they can go to their father for help or advice, since their mom sounds like a classic helicopter parent.
  #228  
Old 02-05-2020, 02:40 PM
Miller's Avatar
Miller is offline
Sith Mod
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Bear Flag Republic
Posts: 44,879
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Iíve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously).
My uncle used to think that was true for him. His wife, two sons, and I used to laugh about it when we'd get high together at family gatherings.
  #229  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:18 PM
BeagleJesus is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 313
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenWyvern View Post
And the lesson is... never trust mom, never confide in her, never let her find out about anything again. Only tell her what she wants to hear. Otherwise you can expect a crazy and unhelpful over-reaction, and you'll never hear the end of it. Life is so much easier if you never let her find out about anything that will set her off.
Wow, you are killing me softly with this post. This accurately describes my relationship with my mom and a lot of the women in my family. Tell them what they want to hear or allow them to believe whatever they want to believe and all is copacetic. Start getting honest when your opinion doesn't align with the company position and you get to hear about it for the rest of your life.
  #230  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:19 PM
SmartAleq's Avatar
SmartAleq is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: PDXLNT
Posts: 5,661
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. Weíve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. Iíve watched their soccer tournaments. Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
Y'know, relationships work in both directions and I have NO doubt they've also adjusted their expectations for their futures with YOU as well. Keep it up and your holidays will be lonely and your grandchildren complete strangers to you but hey, at least you didn't have to be around OMG DRUUUUUUUUUUGZ ONOZ!!1! I'm sure that will be a great comfort to you.
  #231  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:24 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
Donít worry about my lonely holidays -
Iíve got lovely nieces and nephews with no druuuuugz in their lives. I will be fine celebrating with them.
Geez.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-05-2020 at 03:25 PM.
  #232  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:25 PM
Dewey Finn is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 29,830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. Weíve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. Iíve watched their soccer tournaments. Itís not like Iím shunning them. Iíve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
I suspect that you're conveying this lack of expectation to them, even if you don't think you're doing so. In the end, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  #233  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:45 PM
raventhief's Avatar
raventhief is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 5,164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. We’ve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. I’ve watched their soccer tournaments. It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship.
A month ago, you said your husband was able to "interact" with the boys, and you weren't able to. You were done with them and unable to feel warmth toward then.

I'm sure they haven't noticed, and if they do, I'm sure it won't have any effect on them. Your children.

Last edited by raventhief; 02-05-2020 at 03:45 PM.
  #234  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:45 PM
raspberry hunter is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,340
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeagleJesus View Post
Wow, you are killing me softly with this post. This accurately describes my relationship with my mom and a lot of the women in my family. Tell them what they want to hear or allow them to believe whatever they want to believe and all is copacetic. Start getting honest when your opinion doesn't align with the company position and you get to hear about it for the rest of your life.
*high-five of relationship dysfunction*

I never did any drugs. Ever. Marijuana, nicotine, alcohol, you name it. I was a goody two shoes kid. But it was very clear to me that my parents' love was conditional. If I'd done something like that, my child brain was convinced my parents would stop loving me and that they'd be "done" with me. Maybe I wasn't wrong, at that.

I still talk to them and spend time with them, and I wouldn't say they are complete strangers to my children, but it's all about superficial sorts of things. I agree with everything they say. I don't share with them anything important about my life.

I hear they complain about it. *shrug*
  #235  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:51 PM
slash2k is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Iíve got lovely nieces and nephews with no druuuuugz in their lives.
How certain are you of their drug-free status, past, present, and future? You may be in for some more surprises.
  #236  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:53 PM
Eyebrows 0f Doom is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NYC
Posts: 6,464
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Iíve got lovely nieces and nephews with no druuuuugz in their lives.
So you think. But you also had no idea that your sons (who totally exist) were using pot for 10 months while living with you. I'm sure you're quite the expert on others (who totally exist) who don't even live with you.
  #237  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:58 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
FFS, my nieces are trying to have babies, are pursuing PhD’s and the like. They drink wine with dinner etc but no one is heading out to the garage to smoke weed.
You do your holidays the way you want.
  #238  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:03 PM
Procrustus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pacific NW. •
Posts: 12,857
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
FFS, my nieces are trying to have babies, are pursuing PhDís and the like. They drink wine with dinner etc but no one is heading out to the garage to smoke weed.
You do your holidays the way you want.
People have been know to get pregnant while smoking marijuana. I doubt itís any worse than a glass of wine at dinner.

ETA. people who smoke pot also get PhDs.

Last edited by Procrustus; 02-05-2020 at 04:06 PM.
  #239  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:06 PM
slash2k is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
FFS, my nieces are trying to have babies, are pursuing PhDís and the like. They drink wine with dinner etc but no one is heading out to the garage to smoke weed.
Newsflash: pursuing PhDs and toking up are not mutually exclusive. (When I was in university, the quantity of drugs in the graduate dorm, where every single resident was pursuing a master's or higher, was, um, impressive. No, I didn't indulge, but I knew plenty of people who did while still pursuing advanced degrees.)

I'm not trying to pile on you. I'm trying to show you your continuing naivetť.
  #240  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:10 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
No. I’m good. I’ve spoken with them about it. They’re not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything? There’s enough junk in the air without adding extra tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide to my lungs.
My sons are in the minority in my family. Believe me.
  #241  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:13 PM
Colibri's Avatar
Colibri is offline
SD Curator of Critters
Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Panama
Posts: 44,212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
FFS, my nieces are trying to have babies, are pursuing PhDís and the like.
The majority of my fellow Ph.D. students loved to do weed.

Quote:
They drink wine with dinner etc but no one is heading out to the garage to smoke weed.
Frankly, I suspect alcohol would be worse for a developing baby than marijuana.

And you don't have any idea of whether your nieces are smoking weed or not.
  #242  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:13 PM
iiandyiiii's Avatar
iiandyiiii is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 36,831
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
No. I’m good. I’ve spoken with them about it. They’re not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything? There’s enough junk in the air without adding extra tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide to my lungs.
My sons are in the minority in my family. Believe me.
What's unbelievable is that you think you can know with any certainty what young people, including your relatives, do in their private lives. You can't. Maybe they don't smoke weed, but your certainty about this is what's ridiculous. You don't know and probably can't know.
__________________
My new novel Spindown
  #243  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:14 PM
Procrustus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pacific NW. •
Posts: 12,857
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
No. Iím good. Iíve spoken with them about it. Theyíre not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything? Thereís enough junk in the air without adding extra tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide to my lungs.
My sons are in the minority in my family. Believe me.
They may prefer edibles.
  #244  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:26 PM
Declanium is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 225
One of my nieces sitting with me now -
“Sorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.”

Last edited by Declanium; 02-05-2020 at 04:26 PM.
  #245  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:27 PM
Dewey Finn is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 29,830
Look, I'm not trying to say that it's no big deal that your sons are smoking pot. But I think it is a big deal that you're essentially writing them off. If anything, that's more damaging than the pot smoking.
  #246  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:30 PM
Procrustus is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Pacific NW. •
Posts: 12,857
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
One of my nieces sitting with me now -
ďSorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.Ē
Thatís nice.

But Iím not sure I would approve of someone never trying nachos or good champagne. (Or both together, as we call ďdate night.Ē)
  #247  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:50 PM
Colibri's Avatar
Colibri is offline
SD Curator of Critters
Moderator
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Panama
Posts: 44,212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
ďSorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.Ē
Do you honestly believe they would tell you the truth if they know your feelings on the subject? That's not the least bit of proof.
  #248  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:51 PM
Ulfreida is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: pangolandia
Posts: 3,816
You, and only you, have damaged your relationship with your children. It will continue to worsen as long as you behave with such rigid vindictive contempt toward people you ostensibly "love".

At this point the choice still is up to you, I believe. That window will get smaller and smaller as they gain more independence. If you stick to your trajectory, you will no doubt go to your grave believing that everything that comes between you and your children is entirely their fault.

I'm afraid your parenting is contemptible.
  #249  
Old 02-05-2020, 05:11 PM
Kovitlac is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 399
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
No. I’m good. I’ve spoken with them about it. They’re not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything? There’s enough junk in the air without adding extra tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide to my lungs.
My sons are in the minority in my family. Believe me.
As I've already said, I don't smoke anything. A good portion of people on this board likely don't smoke anything, either.

You seem to have a very difficult time understanding that it's not your refusing to embrace weed-use that is the problem. It's how you're treating your sons in response to their weed-use that is the problem.

You can enforce boundaries and tell them not to smoke weed without withholding your love. Without cutting short your expectations. Without treating them like they'll never again earn your approval. Without saying, "Welp, looks like they're doomed to a lonely life of DRUGS - might as well dote on my nieces, who still have a chance at happiness!" THAT'S what people here have a problem with.

But sure, imply that everyone here smokes, and that no one could possibly label you a shitty parent unless they are a BIG SCARY DRUG USER. I don't see any point in continuing with this thread though if that's the case, as you're deliberately being pig-headed.

EDIT: Also, it's very telling how you're focusing on your nieces being perfect angels, while essentially labeling your own sons dirty drug users. Why did you even bring them into this to begin with? This isn't about them, so stop using them as validation.

Last edited by Kovitlac; 02-05-2020 at 05:13 PM.
  #250  
Old 02-05-2020, 05:28 PM
pulykamell is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: SW Side, Chicago
Posts: 48,958
Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Donít worry about my lonely holidays -
Iíve got lovely nieces and nephews with no druuuuugz in their lives. I will be fine celebrating with them.
Geez.
Wow.
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:59 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright © 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017