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Old 02-05-2020, 05:28 PM
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One of my nieces sitting with me now -
ďSorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.Ē
How would your sons have answered the question if you had asked them back at Thanksgiving?

Sure, it is entirely possible that your nieces really haven't; the point is that you are choosing to take what they say at face value. You're not giving them drug tests, you just believe them, even though they now know that telling you they use would get them relegated to the category of worthless disgraces and cut off from your favor.
  #252  
Old 02-05-2020, 05:32 PM
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One of my nieces sitting with me now -
ďSorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.Ē
Given your reaction to your sons smoking pot, do you really think your niece would tell you if she was also smoking?
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Old 02-05-2020, 06:03 PM
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One of my nieces sitting with me now -
ďSorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.Ē
Anyone who drank alcohol in college will grow up to be an alcoholic. Their lives are ruined.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:02 PM
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No. Iím good. Iíve spoken with them about it. Theyíre not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything?
There are plenty of people who don't smoke anything. That's not in the least what we're having trouble with.

The problem is a) your absolute certainty that everyone who ever smoked weed is going to use illegal drugs for the rest of their lives, which quite a few of us (me included) know from our own direct experience, as well as from reliable data, is nonsense b) your absolute certainty that, despite the fact they must know what your reaction would be, your nieces (and siblings, and parents, and neighbors, etcetera) couldn't possibly have tried pot and decided to lie to you about it and c) and most drastic, your apparent decision to withdraw your emotional support from your teenage sons. They haven't, I gather, been repeatedly raping ten year olds; or breaking into houses and beating up the residents for the fun of it; or beating you up; or even running a scam that's stealing people's life savings. They've smoked some pot -- as have roughly 48% of the other people in the country. (Note that only 16% have used any in the past year -- which is a pretty drastic counter to your theory that nobody ever quits. Plus which, many of that 16% are leading decent and productive lives; and some of that 16% are using it as prescribed by their doctors.)
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:12 PM
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Iíve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously)Ö
Iíve got lovely nieces and nephews with no druuuuugz in their lives...
They drink wine with dinner etc Ö
[Quoting the nieces]I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school...
You are either woefully ignorant or a massive hypocrite, or some of both.

You don't think alcohol is a drug?

Last edited by Moriarty; 02-05-2020 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:14 PM
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You’re comparing pulling toxic smoke into your lungs to a small glass of wine with dinner once a week?
Come on. Smoking anything is not good for your lungs.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-05-2020 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:18 PM
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Better never go outside your plastic clean room environment then, because anyone who ever breathes any car exhaust is gonna die in minutes.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:23 PM
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There's a difference between "toxic" and "intoxicating". For example, the alcohol in that glass of wine is toxic - fatal at surprisingly small doses, in fact.

And now that you're arguing against weed due to it being bad for the lungs, we can be quite confident you're blowing smoke (so to speak). Whatever your real problems with the substance are, they're not that.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:24 PM
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What a foolish comment.
At some point, marijuana smoke will be linked to lung cancer. Just like cigarette smoke.
Now that it has become legal in some states, the studies will be done.
A glass of wine every week is not taking a toll on the human body as much as a joint and its smoke being pulled into a teenager’s lungs. Gimme a break.
Yeah, we all walk outside but I try to avoid stupid shit like willingly smoking tar and ammonia.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:26 PM
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You have no clue whatsoever what science will show, and assuming that marijuana has the same chemical properties as tobacco is like assuming that your wine has the same chemical properties as paint.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:26 PM
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Check webMD and the American Lung Association. But what do they know?
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:30 PM
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You’re comparing pulling toxic smoke into your lungs to a small glass of wine with dinner once a week?
Your nieces only eat dinner once a week? It sounds like you are trying to mininimize the comparison; we went from "wine with dinner etc." to "a small glass of wine with dinner once a week".

Why are you so afraid of comparing the "etc." part of the initial comment with smoking weed (sounds like occasional binge drinking at parties), let alone the daily consumption angle?

Quote:
Come on. Smoking anything is not good for your lungs.
Ignorance again. Ingesting marijuana does not require you to smoke it.

Last edited by Moriarty; 02-05-2020 at 07:31 PM.
  #263  
Old 02-05-2020, 07:31 PM
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My kids are smoking weed. No edibles. Smoking.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:32 PM
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Well then you should clearly introduce them to brownies. Offer to bake them yourself, to save their lungs.
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Old 02-05-2020, 07:33 PM
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Given your reaction to your sons smoking pot, do you really think your niece would tell you if she was also smoking?
Well, her sons are lying liars who lie, while her nieces are good and pure wine and beer drinkers who would only ever speak truth.

Unless they have also had some of that evvvvilllll weeeeeedddd, in which case they will be excised from her life and holiday plans. So hey, nieces, as long as you never try reefer, your Aunt still loves you and warmly interact with you. If you do though....
  #266  
Old 02-05-2020, 07:33 PM
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My kids are smoking weed. No edibles. Smoking.
And your nieces are drinking cocktails, and you might sometimes drink a glass of wine, but you can't be honest about that, right?
  #267  
Old 02-05-2020, 08:42 PM
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Iíve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously).
Me, too!

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Iím extremely anti-drug. And they know this. They can continue to do drugs. Iím just not interested in having it around me. We are all entitled to our lives and opinions.
At 25, they can get high every day. But it wonít be around me.
But I'm not extremely anti-drug. My immediate circle is generally sober, but I certainly have friends who have indulged in this or that.

This story is so sad. I really feel bad for your sons. And for you.
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No. Iím good. Iíve spoken with them about it. Theyíre not interested in anything that has to do with smoke/heat in their lungs - believe it or not, some people are not interested in weed. Shock.
Why on this message board is it unbelievable that some people do not smoke anything? Thereís enough junk in the air without adding extra tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide to my lungs.
My sons are in the minority in my family. Believe me.
Oh, I believe that some people don't smoke anything. My husband has never smoked anything. I smoked pot once, in college, and frankly, the hot, foul-tasting air in my lungs disgusted me. I never did it again.

And yet, here I am, judging you. And feeling really sorry for your kids. And hoping that your therapist can convince you not only that you need to let your teenage sons have some autonomy, but ALSO that you can still love them. IF they can still accept love from you after what you've done to them.
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What a foolish comment.
At some point, marijuana smoke will be linked to lung cancer. Just like cigarette smoke.
Now that it has become legal in some states, the studies will be done...
the studies have already been done. There are tons of Americans who use pot, including a vast number willing to admit their habits to their doctors. Yeah, smoking anything is bad for your lungs. It turns out that tobacco is worse than most other contaminants, because the nicotine paralyzes the lung cilia that would otherwise slowly move crap out of the lungs. But yeah, smoke too much of anything and it's bad for you. "too much is bad for you" is true of most everything, though.
  #268  
Old 02-05-2020, 08:54 PM
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Lots of things carry some risk. Would you be writing your sons off for life if you found out they'd been playing football?
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Old 02-05-2020, 09:04 PM
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Ok, football equals illegal drugs ?
This is ridiculous.
FFS, I don’t know if you’re parents, but find out that your 15 and 17 year olds are smoking and vaping weed and high THC carts, spending $1000 (all his savings) on it and see how you all do.
This was big. And they need boundaries.
None of this crappy advice to bake them pot brownies. You’re insulting and condescending.
These kids, particularly the younger one, talk about how harmless it is, and part of the problem is ppl like you making it seem like there’s no rush whatsoever.
There is a risk. The kids are young and can develop a bad habit. And waste a lot of time, money and potential.
Now enough of the jokes. Honestly.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-05-2020 at 09:09 PM.
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Old 02-05-2020, 09:56 PM
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Google "football brain trauma" because it seems fairly obvious you live in a weird knowledge free bubble of your own devising.
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Old 02-05-2020, 10:04 PM
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My kids aren’t playing football
They’re smoking pot
Apples and oranges
And where we live, parents have to sign permission slips to allow kids to play football.
No such slip for the weed.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-05-2020 at 10:06 PM.
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Old 02-05-2020, 10:06 PM
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If you can't figure out the parallel being drawn here that basically tells me all I need to know about your faculties and/or motives.
  #273  
Old 02-05-2020, 10:09 PM
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Well then you should clearly introduce them to brownies. Offer to bake them yourself, to save their lungs.
Nah, Brownies are too young for them, baked or not. Maybe introduce them to some baked Girl Scouts?
  #274  
Old 02-05-2020, 10:37 PM
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Youíre comparing pulling toxic smoke into your lungs to a small glass of wine with dinner once a week?
You're comparing inhaling a small amount of particulate matter to drinking disinfectant.
  #275  
Old 02-05-2020, 10:51 PM
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OP, I really like puzzlegal's post. Have you read it?
  #276  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:02 PM
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Yeah, I did.
But I’m
Not clear what I’ve done to them?
They smoked pot in my house. My husband found a picture that my younger son downloaded on his iPhone. A picture of a joint. He told me it was there because he thought it looked cool. This is what I’m dealing with. So forgive me with wondering what I’ve done to them
  #277  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:09 PM
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Kid's are gonna go off-script. Live in the present rather than anticipating a terrible future. I smoked pot as a teenager but stopped completely after around 25, just because.
  #278  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:14 PM
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It's true that the boys need boundaries. What's not true is that you have to withhold your love to establish and enforce them. If that is what you have come to, then you never loved them in the first place. That is my opinion; you, of course, will not agree. Your sons have grown up this far with only your facsimile love, and they will continue on growing up without even that. Maybe they just didn't realize it up until now, so this may be a jarring experience for them, but they will adjust one way or another. They may become bitter and angry towards you, or they may feel sorry for you, or they may just avoid you. You seem okay with those outcomes.

I don't feel especially sorry for them, especially if their father is still in their lives, lots of kids have gone through far worse and come out quite well. I don't feel especially sorry for you either, as you are the architect of your future misery. But on the possibility that there is a chance in hell that you might question the wonderfulness of your point of view here, I strongly recommend psychological therapy, after which you can apologize to them and try to make it right.
  #279  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:54 PM
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Yeah, I did.
But Iím
Not clear what Iíve done to them?
They smoked pot in my house. My husband found a picture that my younger son downloaded on his iPhone. A picture of a joint. He told me it was there because he thought it looked cool. This is what Iím dealing with. So forgive me with wondering what Iíve done to them

You're being emotionally abusive to your children. How is that not abundantly clear?
  #280  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:55 PM
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Is Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet still popular?
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
  #281  
Old 02-05-2020, 11:59 PM
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And just so we're clear, no one is suggestion you shouldn't punish your children for breaking house rules. Ground them, take their phones away... do what you got to do. But for fuck's sake, don't be emotionally abusive.
  #282  
Old 02-06-2020, 12:38 AM
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Yeah, this thread is bullshit. No one as uninformed and naive as you pretend to be would use the phrase “high THC carts.”
  #283  
Old 02-06-2020, 01:47 AM
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OP, would you please explain what you mean when you ask what you've done to them? Do you mean, what have you done to them that led them to use cannabis? If so, you didn't do anything. The teen brain is still under construction, most notably the pre-frontal area of the frontal lobe, which governs executive function. That means teens are apt to make foolish, short-sighted decisions. Even worse, they usually have a sense of invulnerability, especially boys. They also start questioning what they've been taught. It's not reflective of parenting; it's how they're wired at the time. It's necessary to growing up.

I think you can get a lot out of continued therapy, but if the therapist hasn't specialized in drug abuse, find one who does and pay one visit to him/her, too--NOT because your boys are or will be addicts, but because you need to find out the real deal on cannabis and other drugs and teens from an expert instead of the internet. Talking directly with someone who's treated teens can give you a lot of insight. I hope you'll consider making an appointment.

Where is your husband on this now? He started off more unconcerned than you were. Is that still the case? I hope this conflict isn't affecting your marriage.
  #284  
Old 02-06-2020, 06:39 AM
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I’m seeing a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and she is concerned about my younger son who is hyper-focused on weed and not open to hearing about risks of using it at this age (15). So yeah, I’m not on my own in this belief that he is on a bad arc. Professional opinion believes it too.
Husband is in denial. Believes therapist is over-reacting.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-06-2020 at 06:40 AM.
  #285  
Old 02-06-2020, 07:25 AM
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One of my nieces sitting with me now
I guess that means your sons will also be reading this thread, and perhaps they already have.

So nice for them to know how their mother feels about them, and how she is denouncing them to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

And your husband is also 'in denial'. You alone are are 100% right. I have a feeling this marriage is not going to last very long after your sons leave high school, and they will stick with their father.
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Old 02-06-2020, 07:31 AM
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Pay attention, Greenwyvern. And read the comments. The therapist is predicting my son will struggle with substance abuse so your little digs are not helpful in this thread. Going back to the nieces thing is not helpful. Clearly they know about the situation because yes, this is a big issue facing our family right now. Whether I choose to vent to a message board? We all cope or seek help differently.
Honest, if one is feeling like a failure or depressed, let me assure you that your digs and some of the others’ “jokes” about brownies and Girl Scouts is not funny in the slightest.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-06-2020 at 07:34 AM.
  #287  
Old 02-06-2020, 07:45 AM
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Iím seeing a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and she is concerned about my younger son who is hyper-focused on weed and not open to hearing about risks of using it at this age (15). So yeah, Iím not on my own in this belief that he is on a bad arc. Professional opinion believes it too.
Husband is in denial. Believes therapist is over-reacting.
Wow, a person you're paying money to is telling you there's a problem and you should continue seeing them and paying them money? Shocker!


You know, I've had counselors that I've been quite fond of, but if I asked them: "Should I still keep seeing you? Or am I all good now?", I'd probably still be seeing them to this day.
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  #288  
Old 02-06-2020, 07:54 AM
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Well, you don’t know; nor does she. But she’s met him so.....
Wish I could post in five years time to update but that’s not feasible. But a therapist telling me that there is an issue is guiding me in my decisions. A parent can control, not advise. And a teen growing into an adult has to suffer natural consequences in order to give up drugs. I don’t want to see the descent. Does any parent? It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life.
  #289  
Old 02-06-2020, 07:58 AM
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Well, you don’t know; nor does she. But she’s met him so.....
Wish I could post in five years time to update but that’s not feasible. But a therapist telling me that there is an issue is guiding me in my decisions. A parent can control, not advise. And a teen growing into an adult has to suffer natural consequences in order to give up drugs. I don’t want to see the descent. Does any parent? It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life.
Your concern is valid and reasonable (any parent would be concerned about drug use by their child, especially a teenage child), but by your posts, your actions are more likely to just make things worse -- more likely that your son will continue to hide things from you, more likely that he will stop trusting you, more likely that he will grow apart from you and want to get away from you, etc.

Last edited by iiandyiiii; 02-06-2020 at 07:59 AM.
  #290  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:07 AM
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Itís painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life.
False dichotomy.

In my case as an example, I chose to use drugs and to simultaneously have a good relationship with my family, excel in college, and thrive in life. Oh, and I'm as happy af.
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:20 AM
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Not false dichotomy in my case, kayaker.
Kid continues with drugs. Not a good relationship with me. We all have different value systems.
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:23 AM
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False dichotomy.

In my case as an example, I chose to use drugs and to simultaneously have a good relationship with my family, excel in college, and thrive in life. Oh, and I'm as happy af.

Good point. When I found out my oldest son was smoking pot (he was 15 at the time), I sat down with him and basically told him: "Don't be stupid with it. Don't carry it around with you everywhere you go. Don't smoke it in public places. And don't blow off your homework or other responsibilities".

And he wound up doing good on his end. He held a part time job throughout his teens and kept his grades up.

I don't want to take credit for my son's accomplishments, but I at least like to think providing him with a safe and loving environment help facilitate that.
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  #293  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:28 AM
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Is he still using drugs?
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:34 AM
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Is he still using drugs?
Yes. And he's also living a well balanced life with his wife and children. And gainfully employed while he works his way through college.
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  #295  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:39 AM
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Yeah, see? Not for me. Different strokes.
Perhaps you also smoke, so it’s not a big deal for your family.
And again, thanks for the additional evidence that if one is smoking at 15, it’s a lifelong choice.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-06-2020 at 08:40 AM.
  #296  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:41 AM
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It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family.
Seeing as you're the one who wants to end your relationship with your children, it seems as though YOU'RE choosing substance over family.

You're the one with a drug problem. They're the ones with a mother problem.

Last edited by Alessan; 02-06-2020 at 08:42 AM.
  #297  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:43 AM
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Nope. Sorry.
They will have their choice.
I don’t want to be there to see their kids taken away.
Or their DUI’s. Or loss of jobs. Or marriages.
Potheads can be annoyingly insufferable.
Eventually the drugs will win. And ruin them.
  #298  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:47 AM
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Potheads can be annoyingly insufferable.
Yes we can, but have you ever looked at DARE literature? Way worse.
  #299  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:47 AM
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Yeah, see? Not for me. Different strokes.
Perhaps you also smoke, so itís not a big deal for your family.
And again, thanks for the additional evidence that if one is smoking at 15, itís a lifelong choice.

As long as he's living a well balanced happy life, I could care less about his occasional pot use.

But yeah, "different strokes" indeed. Unlike you, the thing that matters most to me is my son's happiness. Not that he adhere to my particular world view.
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Old 02-06-2020, 08:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
Nope. Sorry.
They will have their choice.
I donít want to be there to see their kids taken away.
Or their DUIís. Or loss of jobs. Or marriages.
Potheads can be annoyingly insufferable.
Eventually the drugs will win. And ruin them.
Then convince them to stop using drugs. Nag them and pester them and bribe them if you have to, but don't give up on them. Get MORE involved in their lives, not less. You want them to have a chance in life? Let them know that their parents loves them and will continue to love them no matter what.
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