#401  
Old 02-08-2020, 01:44 PM
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I, like kayaker, am a 60-something (also about to have a birthday) daily weed smoker of decades duration. I'm self employed and do fairly well for myself, have raised two kids (one smokes weed occasionally, the other not at all--says it makes him paranoid) and both my parents and my stepdad were pot smokers back in the day as well.

My dad would find it amusing that people think smoking weed is incompatible in some way with being successful (retired VP from IBM) if it weren't for the fact that he stopped smoking weed in favor of drinking and is now (at 86!) sinking gently into alcohol enhanced dementia. My mom and stepdad owned their own very successful business and after my stepdad died about 20 years ago, mom took over and ran it herself before selling hers and stepdad's shares to their (hey, also smokes weed!) younger third partner. They're in the process of selling the business property they own to a developer and when escrow closes mom will be a millionaire on top of her already perfectly comfortable retirement income. Stepdad was the first high end weed dealer I knew, went to San Francisco State and knew like every grower up in Humboldt and Trinity counties--people who said ''fuckit" to the rat race and went off to grow amazing weed instead, back when it was illegal. Now it's fully legal for both medical and recreational in California, Oregon (where I live), Nevada and Washington and things are pretty chill out here.

What we're trying to get across is that, regardless of whatever skeery articles you can find on the internet, pot smokers are just like anyone else. They're successful or not successful, nice or buttholes, rich or poor--and none of these things are changed much at all by them smoking weed. Or vaping it. Or munching edibles. Pot, unlike alcohol, is an enhancer--it builds on what you already are and makes it a bit more than it was. It does not make you stupid or unmotivated or crazy but if you already were those things then you'll still be that way with or without the weed but maybe a bit more so. Likewise, if you're creative, thoughtful, funny, smart, ingenious or crafty, weed will tend to make you more like that as well. It's what weed DOES--your entire body has an endocannabinoid system built into it that CBD and THC plug right into, receptors that are always there and that have evolved to fit the active ingredients in cannabis. And the endocannabinoid system works exactly that way--it enhances your body's abililty to heal and cope with inflammation and supports your immune system. Just as the psychoactive ingredients plug into what your brain already does on its own and encourages to do it more and better. Which can be great if your mind goes to good and productive places on its own and not so good if your brain naturally goes to maladaptive behaviors and self destructive paths. Like depression, and paranoia, and obsessive thoughts--pot can make those harder to deal with in people who have them already.

Pot just tends to make people more themselves and if you don't like someone's personality already you're likely to not like it when they're stoned either. It's not changing them though, just bringing out the traits you don't like. Not the weed's fault you don't like someone!
  #402  
Old 02-08-2020, 03:04 PM
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nicely put, Smartie. but I would expect no less!
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Old 02-08-2020, 03:43 PM
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Our bodies have opioid receptors, too.

I mean, I don't think pot is dangerous like heroin is dangerous. But pointing to the fact that we are set up to react to it isn't an especially strong argument as to its safety.
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Old 02-08-2020, 03:52 PM
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Next time you get massively hurt and are in pain tell me again why opioid receptors are a bad thing. We have receptors for things that are USEFUL to us. If we choose to go beyond usefulness into maladaptive behaviors that's not the fault of the substance or our bodies. We have to eat food to survive--some of us eat so much terrible food that we literally kill ourselves with it so tell me how hunger proves that food is bad? You have a great big disconnect going on here, maybe you ought to examine your own prejudices. Also, get back to me when you find a documented case of someone dying due exclusively to weed use. I'll wait, I'm patient like that. No fair coming up with some poor bastard who got in the way of a bale of the stuff falling from a great height though, that would be disingenuous.
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Old 02-08-2020, 05:44 PM
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Huh? Did you read what I wrote?

Yes, of course we get a lot of value from opioid receptors. Did I say otherwise? And I was really explicit in saying "I don't think pot is dangerous like heroin is dangerous." I've never heard of an overdose death from weed, nor has any doctor I've talked to about it. And I have a lot of friends who have used it without incident, or who used too much of it, and decided it wasn't good for them and quit -- without any fuss or difficulty. I know people with drug problems. But I don't know anyone with a weed problem.

I voted to legalize cannabis in my state, and convinced several friends to do likewise.

But just like, "it's natural, so it must be safe" is a flawed argument, "we have ready-made receptors for it so it must be safe" is a flawed argument.
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Old 02-08-2020, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post

Because now they have trained their brains to need drugs to have fun.
Utter bull. Did you read ANY of the posts from people who were (or are married to people who were) pot/drug/booze hounds as kids and are now perfectly useful adults? Experimenting with pot as a kid isn't a death sentence.

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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
When I spoke to younger son about that, he refused that line of thinking and said he has fun doing other things too. Like soccer, or playing with the dog or even English class.
YES, smart kid you have there. Listen to him.

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But do I believe him?
You should. The only way he can earn your trust is if you do start to trust him. If you never trust him again after this hiccup you are going to lose him completely, not bring him back to you.

Last edited by saje; 02-08-2020 at 06:10 PM.
  #407  
Old 02-08-2020, 06:12 PM
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Sorry to pile on you, kayaker.
It’s not fair. I reference you a lot in a very judgmental way, and I apologize.
HB in advance
I’ve sent you a pm, if you want to talk.
  #408  
Old 02-08-2020, 07:00 PM
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Huh? Did you read what I wrote?

Yes, of course we get a lot of value from opioid receptors. Did I say otherwise? And I was really explicit in saying "I don't think pot is dangerous like heroin is dangerous." I've never heard of an overdose death from weed, nor has any doctor I've talked to about it. And I have a lot of friends who have used it without incident, or who used too much of it, and decided it wasn't good for them and quit -- without any fuss or difficulty. I know people with drug problems. But I don't know anyone with a weed problem.

I voted to legalize cannabis in my state, and convinced several friends to do likewise.

But just like, "it's natural, so it must be safe" is a flawed argument, "we have ready-made receptors for it so it must be safe" is a flawed argument.
And I don't think you read what I wrote either. I was quite clear that cannabinoid use can result in deleterious effects in some people. What they have never done and never will do is actually damage a person physically because that's not how that works. Sure, someone could have an allergy and have a bad reaction to cannabis--but that is not a cannabinoid issue, it's a histamine issue, just the same as if someone is allergic to peanuts we don't blame peanuts for being inherently dangerous. Someone could get stoned and become paranoid and that could aggravate an underlying mental instability--but that is not a cannabinoid issue, it's a mental health issue. Just in the same way that a whistleblower did not cause the problem they report, the cannabinoids do not cause the issues they may sometimes disclose. These are different things. Cannabis is absolutely safer than basically any drug you will ever find--it doesn't cause damage. It is not an intoxicant. It does not cause mental illness. Every attempt made during the last 100 years to demonize this safe and useful plant has been disproven and discredited.

Opiates, on the other hand, absolutely can and will depress the central nervous system and in high enough dosages that will lead to death. The same is not true of cannabinoids--the LD-50 of THC approaches infinity. Alcohol absolutely can and will kill you in sufficient quantities--either quickly via toxicity or slowly by damaging internal organs. Cannabinoids cannot and will not do that in any concentration. These are completely different drugs and operate differently. Cannabis, in and of itself, is safe because it does not have a level at which it becomes toxic. Opiates and alcohol are not because they do have easily achieved toxic levels. Opiates, cannabis and alcohol are all natural substances which either grow out of the ground all by themselves or are the natural result of normal fermentation processes. Two of these substances can be and often are quite dangerous. The third is not.

Last edited by SmartAleq; 02-08-2020 at 07:02 PM.
  #409  
Old 02-09-2020, 02:20 AM
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May I have your sons? I'm a Fagin-like character.
  #410  
Old 02-09-2020, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SmartAleq View Post
I, like kayaker, am a 60-something (also about to have a birthday) daily weed smoker of decades duration.
You sure do talk purty.

I hope everything goes well here in the long run, and that Declanium at least appreciates people opening their hearts in the hope that her family ends up stronger in the long run.
  #411  
Old 02-09-2020, 10:22 AM
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...
I’ve always been very black/white on my thinking.
I think it's a great step that you recognize this about yourself. The world is rarely black and white. Using drugs is not black and white. Have you heard of a "runner's high"? Drug effects without ingesting drugs. In fact, most of the psychoactive drugs work by triggering natural pathways in our brain that we have for good reasons. (Maybe that's what SmartAleq was trying to get at, despite my still thinking they expressed it poorly.) That means that we have ALL triggered ALL those pathways in the course of a normal drug-free life.

Yes, it's possible to train your body to the point where you can't feel any effect of triggering that pathway without a drug. And yes, that's often part of addiction.

But your sons are in luck. They only used cannabis (probably). They didn't use any of the really addictive psychoactive drugs.

Weed has two huge virtues as a recreational drug:
1) it's not very toxic (I'm not sure there IS a documented case of a death from cannabis overdose. It's certainly extremely rare, and not something anyone should worry about with anything resembling normal use.)
2) it's not very addictive.

Do some research. Based on anecdotes from my friends, and people on this board, it's easier to quit cannabis than to quit caffeine. It's MUCH easier than quitting booze or tobacco.

Cannabis has a long history of moderate use by humans, and is a normal social drug in some cultures, like alcohol is in ours. The only reason we demonize it is historical accident.

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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
So you either stay away from drugs or you’re in the other camp. And you don’t want your kids to be in the other camp.
No, I don't, either. But I've never worried about my kids using cannabis. (I'm slightly worried my son might drift into drinking too much, but right now he doesn't have a problem. And he's an adult. So... )
I think, if you find you need to draw bright lines, that you should move cannabis to the other side of that bright line. Put it with alcohol. A drug that can be abused, but can also be used in moderation as part of a happy productive life.

Mind you, I don't think "bright lines" are a great way to look at the world. But you do say it's your nature to view the world that way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
So now they have both been there. What do I do?
Pray they stop? No. Get them therapy? Trying now.
But ultimately I’m not in control of them.
It's good that you recognize this. Your sons are teens, and no, you can't control your teens. They need to make their own decisions, make some mistakes, hopefully, with the support of loving parents who can catch them when they fall.

It's not about you. They are their own people. But they are still your sons. The best thing you can do for them is to love them.

You can, of course, control some aspects of their lives, as they are dependent children living in your house. For instance, you should certainly ban their use of pot in your home, given how you feel about it. You can also remind them of the importance grades and sports and non-drug social activities, and push them to continue in those arenas.

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Originally Posted by Declanium View Post
I’m very saddened that they both didn’t listen to me and at least delay their drug use.
Because now they have trained their brains to need drugs to have fun.
see above, about pot not being very addictive. This is almost certainly false. Just because they've found a new way to have fun hardly means they can't have fun in other ways. You said they had fun baking cooking with you and watch Christmas TV shows EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD USED WEED. Doesn't that prove they can still have fun other ways?

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When I spoke to younger son about that, he refused that line of thinking and said he has fun doing other things too. Like soccer, or playing with the dog or even English class. But do I believe him? He’s the manipulative one taking. (According to the LCSW, he says things i maybe want to hear) so now I don’t believe much he says.
I'm sure he DOES say things he wants you to hear. But he's almost certainly telling the truth about this.
  #412  
Old 02-09-2020, 11:49 AM
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I know I got a lot of negative backlash and even got a pit thread about me but in reality, my “done with sons” thread had been refreshed due to my comment on the “can you tell a kid’s future by 16” or something to that effect. I merely said that yes, I believe you can tell. And gave my personal reasons why I believed that to be the case. And we were off to the races.
I had said that I adjusted my expectations or hopes for them based upon what they are currently doing. Using drugs.
Have you all never adjusted expectations for your kids?
Ex. Star athlete heading to NFL or NBA suffers debilitating knee injury at 16. Ok, adjust the expectations. Different outcome in store.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-09-2020 at 11:52 AM.
  #413  
Old 02-10-2020, 03:20 AM
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I know I got a lot of negative backlash and even got a pit thread about me but in reality, my “done with sons” thread had been refreshed due to my comment on the “can you tell a kid’s future by 16” or something to that effect. I merely said that yes, I believe you can tell. And gave my personal reasons why I believed that to be the case. And we were off to the races.
I had said that I adjusted my expectations or hopes for them based upon what they are currently doing. Using drugs.
Have you all never adjusted expectations for your kids?
Ex. Star athlete heading to NFL or NBA suffers debilitating knee injury at 16. Ok, adjust the expectations. Different outcome in store.
I know you think you're just being realistic here, but some pot smokers go on to be the President of the United States. In fact, I would posit that every president since at least the first Bush has tried marijuana. I don't think you can really use it as an indication of anyone's future. Whatever trajectory they are on now, they will remain on.

Instead, your attitude could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think they won't amount to anything, you won't support them, and kids do need their parents' support until quite late. Moral support as well as financial.
  #414  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:00 AM
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Elysian, I’m mapping their future based upon the therapist saying that particularly the younger son is manipulative and has issues.
Also the family has addiction behavior.
That’s why I’m making an accurate prediction.
No Obama’s here.
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Old 02-10-2020, 10:03 AM
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In a nutshell, why did you even have kids?
  #416  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:11 AM
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I didn’t think I would have drug abusers tbh
  #417  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:19 AM
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I don't mean that. I mean before your sons came into existence, when you were planning your life, you must have had a thought (or thoughts), such as; I want to get married, I want to have kids, etc.

So, why did you have kids?
  #418  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:41 AM
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Had always wanted kids.
I had a happy childhood. And I suppose I had fears about motherhood and what it could entail, but at the time (my mid 30s) I felt that that the good outweighed the bad.
Now do I regret it?
  #419  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:44 AM
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Elysian, I’m mapping their future based upon the therapist saying that particularly the younger son is manipulative and has issues.
So, in other words, you have a teenager?
  #420  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:49 AM
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Not all teenagers do drugs.
70 pct do not by senior year of high school - the good kids
Thought odds were in my favor

Last edited by Declanium; 02-10-2020 at 10:49 AM.
  #421  
Old 02-10-2020, 10:58 AM
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Had always wanted kids.



WHY?
  #422  
Old 02-10-2020, 11:14 AM
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Not all teenagers do drugs.
70 pct do not by senior year of high school - the good kids
Thought odds were in my favor
You need to stop using whatever it is you're on and get clean.

You know you have to. You're racing to rock bottom. Do it now before you can't do it alone.
  #423  
Old 02-10-2020, 11:15 AM
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What?
  #424  
Old 02-10-2020, 11:17 AM
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Why did you want kids? What was your motivation?
  #425  
Old 02-11-2020, 05:49 AM
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Not all teenagers do drugs.
70 pct do not by senior year of high school - the good kids
Thought odds were in my favor
See, this is where your black-white thinking is leading you astray.

Smoking pot does not automatically make your kids "bad kids," and not smoking pot isn't evidence that the others are "good kids." The kids doing binge drinking (around 15 percent of twelfth-graders in this survey reported having consumed five or more drinks on one occasion within the previous two weeks), for example, are at least as likely to have psychological, legal, and/or medical problems as pot smokers, but you overlook that. They can be drunk as a lord for weeks on end and driving while under the influence, but as long as they don't touch marijuana, you classify them as "good kids." Why in the name of God is an alcoholic a "good kid" but a pot smoker a "bad kid"? Have you seriously never seen the studies about the health risks of alcohol? What do you think are the long-term effects of a drunk-driving conviction, or even worse, a DUI accident?

[Also, your statistics are inaccurate. According to that same study, about 43% of twelfth-graders have used pot in their lifetime, and about 49% have used some illicit drug, including inhalants. (The corresponding figure for alcohol is 58%.) These figures have actually declined; twenty years ago, a clear majority of high school seniors had tried drugs. ]
  #426  
Old 02-11-2020, 10:55 AM
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Man, take a few days off, and this thread BLOWS UP!

Coincidentally, I was out-of-town visiting my youngest. During the visit, she took the opportunity to mention various ways in which we had totally fucked up as parents! (Yeah - FUN conversation! ) Curiously, none of our transgressions involved drug use by her or us. So there are countless ways a parent can fuck up their kids (or the kids can perceive the parents as having fucked up).

I readily admit I was far from a perfect parent. And I posted threads here where I expected to get support and confirmation of my choices, but was instead, harshly criticized. While that was not pleasant, and while I did not accept EVERY criticism 100%, I DID welcome the different viewpoints, and tried to incorporate parts of them into my understanding of parenting.

Hell, parenting is just winging it, doing the best you can. And at some point, you basically say, "Well, I did what I could. Now the kid has to take it from here." Maybe the OP's reaction to pot won't have any lasting impact on the kids, but the kids will, instead, remember and hate some more minor thing the OP isn't even aware of. That's how parenting is. You do the best you can for however long you fell you have to, and after that, you hope you've equipped the kids to be independent adults.

I think it unfortunate that the OP is choosing to make this one issue (which I DO NOT minimize - even tho her response is fucked up) permanently define her relations w/ her kids.

Wanted to quote and respond to a few things the OP has written:

Quote:
Yeah, see? Not for me. Different strokes.

...
It’s either me or the drugs.
Looks like they’ve chosen.
...

I will never be truly happy again. … Ever hear of the expression that you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child?
The kids' pot use and money management are 2 significant aspects of who they are and your family's dynamics. But if they are otherwise succeeding in school, engaging in productive activities, social, respectful, helping out around the house - then these are issues to WORK ON, not to permanently define lifelong relations. Parenting experience differs. I'm not sure how many “significant issues” that I encountered w/ my kids were permanently resolved in a couple of months by my announcing an ultimatum.

But the OP gets to choose. Just happens, nearly EVERYONE who responded thinks the OP has chosen wrong. But she will not be dissuaded. Impressively inflexible.

I think the comments of the OP's black/white perspective are very insightful. The OP doesn't see a problem with that. IME, few intolerant, inflexible people do.

And at some point, the kid's success and happiness - or lack of either - is ON THEM. Hopefully, the OP will realize that at some point.

[/QUOTE]
No problem with being gay. Would easily prefer son being gay to being on drugs.
We have gay family members. Never was an issue.[/QUOTE]

What if they ate unhealthily and became obese/diabetic? Smoked cigarettes? Drank more alcohol than you personally think optimal. Chose friends or life-partners you aren't thrilled with? Adopted a religious/political stance different than yours? Were just plain mean or unpleasant? Committed a crime? Cheated on a spouse? Made parenting decisions you disagree with? Etc. ad infinitum...

I'd far rather one of my kid be a pothead (so long as they were employed and independent), than be a born-again, NRA member, Trump supporter. But different people differ. The gun-toting, bible-thumping Trumpist might be someone else's ideal progeny. Bottomline is - THE PARENT DOESN"T GET TO CHOOSE THE ADULT THEIR KID BECOMES.

Oh yeah - so my daughter has some resentments over some choices we made raising her. I readily admit, I was not a perfect parent. But I also admit that I never tried harder and longer at anything as I did at parenting. And you know what? My kids were participants in the process as well. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't all that horrible either. And my kids weren't perfect either.

But so what? I'm more interested in working on my present and future relationships w/ my adult kids - all employed, in long-term relations, financially solvent - than to spend too much time looking in the rearview mirror.
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  #427  
Old 02-11-2020, 11:58 AM
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Not all teenagers do drugs.
70 pct do not by senior year of high school - the good kids
Thought odds were in my favor
So my brother, who manages a very successful bar and restaurant and is in a long-term relationship with a fantastic girl, is a failure. Good to know.
  #428  
Old 02-12-2020, 12:12 AM
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Declanium, depression lies. It lies about everything, it says black is white and up is down and that the world is ending. Your brain chemistry is out of whack, you have an illness much more serious than you seem to realise. You may need to get a dr on board for some meds if you don't respond to therapy. I hope you are being honest with your therapist about how you are receiving their words because if they aren't being twisted by your lying brain they need to have their licence revoked. Depression lies, it catastrophises it needs to be healed. Early in the thread I wrote about using it as medication for myself in my youth and suggested you think about having younger son checked out if concerned, he may well have inherited some brain issues from you.

All the best with it, for you and family.
  #429  
Old 02-13-2020, 03:34 AM
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Coincidentally, I was out-of-town visiting my youngest. During the visit, she took the opportunity to mention various ways in which we had totally fucked up as parents! (Yeah - FUN conversation! ) Curiously, none of our transgressions involved drug use by her or us. So there are countless ways a parent can fuck up their kids (or the kids can perceive the parents as having fucked up).
How long has that been going on? That has to be annoying. Have you had a discussion with her and cleared the air or doesn’t that work? My mom can’t really handle talking about what went wrong.
Quote:
I readily admit I was far from a perfect parent. And I posted threads here where I expected to get support and confirmation of my choices, but was instead, harshly criticized. While that was not pleasant, and while I did not accept EVERY criticism 100%, I DID welcome the different viewpoints, and tried to incorporate parts of them into my understanding of parenting.

Hell, parenting is just winging it, doing the best you can. And at some point, you basically say, "Well, I did what I could. Now the kid has to take it from here." Maybe the OP's reaction to pot won't have any lasting impact on the kids, but the kids will, instead, remember and hate some more minor thing the OP isn't even aware of. That's how parenting is. You do the best you can for however long you fell you have to, and after that, you hope you've equipped the kids to be independent adults.
I come from generations of screwed up families with the cycle of abuse being repeated again and again. Fortunately, my generation seems to have stopped the abuse and dysfunctionality, partly because of better awareness of what is good parenting. Not only my sister and I have worked on it, but many of our cousins.

There is a concept called “good enough parenting” in that no parents are perfect. They don’t need to be. If the children get sufficient love and security, then they will be resilient enough to become successful adults, with the recognition that successful adults are not problem free.

The problem here is that if the story is accurate, the OP is ensuring that the children won’t get love which then causes lots more problems than whatever negative consequences they suffer from smoking pot.

There are many articles on good enough parenting. Here is one with some interesting thoughts.
Quote:
Near the end of the book, Bettelheim adds: “While we are not perfect, we are indeed good enough parents if most of the time we love our children and do our best to do well by them. This wisdom, or truth, can protect us against the folly of reflecting that everything a child does reflects only upon us. Much of what he does has mainly to do with himself and only indirectly or peripherally with us and what we do.” This last point is about the value of humility. Good enough parents recognize that the child's universe does not spin around the parents. Our children’s actions are not motivated primarily by a desire to please us or to hurt us, but by motives that have to do with their attempts to find their own places in the world. If we are good enough parents, we don’t take much credit, nor much blame, for our children's actions; we just concentrate on understanding and helping where help is required.
My bolding.
This idea that we can’t really claim credit for our children’s successes or blame for was expressed early on in this thread.
More importantly, parents everywhere should really be aware that kids don’t do things against their parents. They have their own logic and reasons for things.
  #430  
Old 02-13-2020, 10:22 AM
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How long has that been going on? That has to be annoying. Have you had a discussion with her and cleared the air or doesn’t that work? My mom can’t really handle talking about what went wrong.
...
Thanks for the concern. Not my thread, but I'll admit I was not a perfect parent - same way I'm not a perfect person. Never been overly "warm and fuzzy." Not terribly social, and very respectful of results/competence. But I tried to be a good parent.

And both my wife and I had issues w/ OUR parents/sibs - so we likely modeled less than perfect dynamics.

Finally, none of our 3 kids was a perfect/easy kid. I do not believe that ALL of an adult's problems can be attributed to their parents' purported misdeeds - the kids contribute to family dynamics as they grow up, and have considerable discretion as to how they proceed as adults.

So the result is that, now that they are adults, my kids and we seem to have some differing memories (accurate or not) about past events/dynamics. We get along OK w/ our kids, but they are not the intimate, entirely authentic relationships we might have hoped for. There definitely are boundaries and unresolved grievances - some of which I understand, others not so much.

One of my greatest sources of dissatisfaction is that my 3 kids are not closer to each other. But, they were never as close as I would have hoped as children. Maybe it will change/improve as they age. Or not. In any event, we, and the 3 of them, have pretty good lives, and plenty of reasons to be happy and content. Like I said, we just spent 6 days w/ 1 kid. In May we are driving out to visit another, and the local kid comes over for lunch weekly w/ our grandchild. Interactions are - at the very least - pleasant. We all support each others' choices, interests, and accomplishments. Relations just aren't as entirely open and intimate as might be hoped for.

At least 2 of my kids pursued some amount of counseling as adults. My understanding was that both counsellors were eager to attribute our kids' concerns to parental transgressions. As I understand it, that is a common occurrence - and not entirely fair. Like I said, we weren't perfect parents, but we weren't all THAT bad. Now, in their late 20s-early 30s, the adults have considerable responsibility for the adults that they are, and how happy they are.

In my 59 years, I have limited experience w/ successfully "clearing the air" among family members. Instead, with adults it seems to be more of a matter of how to style the areas in which you DO get along, and minimize the areas in which you DON'T - and avoiding the areas you KNOW you disagree on. Maybe my experiences are fucked up. I do my best, but am not sure how drastically I can change myself at this point.
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