Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-21-2020, 12:54 AM
jebert is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 1999
Posts: 750

Senate Acquits Trump, 53-47! [satire]


The U.S.Senate has acquitted President Donald Trump on two articles of impeachment brought by the House of Representatives. During the impeachment trial, held in the Senate chamber and presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts, House managers and the President's defense lawyers presented arguments. The Senators, acting as the trial jurors, heard or did not hear from relevant witnesses and examined or did not examine relevant evidence. Either way, the final vote was 53-47 to acquit the President.

In a historical context, this will long be remembered as the third impeachment trial of a U.S. president.
  #2  
Old 01-21-2020, 02:02 AM
cmkeller's Avatar
cmkeller is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: New York, NY, USA
Posts: 13,581
Oh, wow, a post from the future!
__________________
"Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible. The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks."
-- Douglas Adams's Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective
  #3  
Old 01-21-2020, 03:05 AM
Little Nemo is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 84,342
It says a lot about the low expectations I have of the Senate Republicans that I actually checked to see if this post was true. I thought it was possible that they just decided to acquit Trump on the first day without even bothering to go through the motions of having a hearing.
  #4  
Old 01-21-2020, 03:21 AM
Lance Turbo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 4,590
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
It says a lot about the low expectations I have of the Senate Republicans that I actually checked to see if this post was true. I thought it was possible that they just decided to acquit Trump on the first day without even bothering to go through the motions of having a hearing.
Same
  #5  
Old 01-21-2020, 03:30 AM
Senegoid is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 15,587
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
It says a lot about the low expectations I have of the Senate Republicans that I actually checked to see if this post was true. I thought it was possible that they just decided to acquit Trump on the first day without even bothering to go through the motions of having a hearing.
Well, it IS possible.

As the Tralfamadorians would put it: The Senate acquitted Trump on January 21, 2020. They have always acquitted Trump on January 21, 2020 and they always will acquit Trump on January 21, 2020.
  #6  
Old 01-21-2020, 05:26 AM
elucidator is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Further
Posts: 60,451
I think they might have liked to put up a vigorous defense solidly founded on facts, evidence, and reliable witnesses. Turns out, that big pile of glossy eight-by-five photos with all the numbers and arrows ended up on the wrong table. Also, new boxes marked "Evidence", "Damning evidence" and "Oh, FUCK! NO! evidence" are being carried in through the doors.

They ended up with Shit or Go Bowling. They have opted to shit.
  #7  
Old 01-21-2020, 06:03 AM
Jonathan Chance is online now
Domo Arigato Mister Moderato
Moderator
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: On the run with Kilroy
Posts: 23,396

The Moderator Speaks


I’m thinking more The Pit. It sure doesn’t belong here
  #8  
Old 01-21-2020, 09:30 AM
Squink is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Yes
Posts: 20,535
You'd think that Delorean would be getting a little long in the tooth by now.
55mph, sure. 88? Doubtful. It's been 35 years.
  #9  
Old 01-21-2020, 10:10 AM
E-DUB's Avatar
E-DUB is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4,995
They're not even trying to make it look good. As somebody once said: "I don't mind so much their pissing on my head, but when they try to tell me it's raining I get a little upset.".
  #10  
Old 01-21-2020, 10:11 AM
digs's Avatar
digs is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: West of Wauwatosa
Posts: 10,519
My blood pressure spiked, I got sweaty, my will to live nose-dived... especially because I couldn't click on the thread right away. When I finally read it, I sent a report:

I asked "Could a mod add [satire] or [not true] to the title? Not saying it fooled ME, but... yeah, it fooled me.

I think it's a bad precedent, to be able to post untruthful news items."
  #11  
Old 01-21-2020, 10:37 AM
Blank Slate's Avatar
Blank Slate is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 5,601
U.S. President Donald J. Trump Dead of Stroke at 73.
  #12  
Old 01-21-2020, 10:47 AM
Squink is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Yes
Posts: 20,535
Quote:
Originally Posted by digs View Post
I think it's a bad precedent, to be able to post untruthful news items."
It's the Republican credo. They live for this garbage.
  #13  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:30 AM
Dewey Finn is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 29,847
Quote:
Originally Posted by jebert View Post
The U.S.Senate has acquitted President Donald Trump on two articles of impeachment brought by the House of Representatives. During the impeachment trial, held in the Senate chamber and presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts, House managers and the President's defense lawyers presented arguments. The Senators, acting as the trial jurors, heard or did not hear from relevant witnesses and examined or did not examine relevant evidence. Either way, the final vote was 53-47 to acquit the President.

In a historical context, this will long be remembered as the third impeachment trial of a U.S. president.
Ooh, can I play? "Immediately following the acquittal, Vice President Mike Pence resigned, followed an hour later by Donald Trump. In his statement, the former president acknowledged that he was only president due to foreign interference, and apologized to Hillary Clinton. At his urging, every single member of the judiciary appointed during his presidency resigned. President Nancy Pelosi took the oath of office in a private ceremony at the US Capitol Building."
  #14  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:36 AM
Gyrate is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Greater Croydonia
Posts: 24,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by digs View Post
I think it's a bad precedent, to be able to post untruthful news items."
Yes, it's a bad president who is able to post untruthful news items.

Hang on, let me read that again...
  #15  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:39 AM
Hamlet is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 14,728
Quote:
Originally Posted by digs View Post
My blood pressure spiked, I got sweaty, my will to live nose-dived... especially because I couldn't click on the thread right away. When I finally read it, I sent a report:

I asked "Could a mod add [satire] or [not true] to the title? Not saying it fooled ME, but... yeah, it fooled me.

I think it's a bad precedent, to be able to post untruthful news items."
+1
  #16  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:41 AM
Little Nemo is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 84,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by digs View Post
I asked "Could a mod add [satire] or [not true] to the title?
Why don't we just wait a week?
  #17  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:48 AM
Buck Godot's Avatar
Buck Godot is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: MD outside DC
Posts: 6,317
Quote:
Originally Posted by jebert View Post
In a historical context, this will long be remembered as the third impeachment trial of a U.S. president.
And by "long" we mean the 26 months before the ministry of Truth fully expunges it from the record.
  #18  
Old 01-21-2020, 12:56 PM
Euphonious Polemic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 12,733
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buck Godot View Post
And by "long" we mean the 26 months before the ministry of Truth fully expunges it from the record.
You joke, but I guarantee that removing impeachment from the record will be a serious proposal from Republicans in congress.
  #19  
Old 01-21-2020, 01:00 PM
carnivorousplant is offline
KB not found. Press any key
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 59,733
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmkeller View Post
Oh, wow, a post from the future!
Does this guy play in the death pool?
__________________
You callous bastard! More of my illusions have just been shattered!!-G0sp3l
  #20  
Old 01-21-2020, 02:57 PM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Middle ear
Posts: 6,541
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hamlet View Post
+1
+2
  #21  
Old 01-21-2020, 03:54 PM
BigT's Avatar
BigT is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: "Hicksville", Ark.
Posts: 37,142
I'm not sure I see the purpose of posting this. If it's to make a prediction, you could at least say "I predict" in the title, to not scare people.

Plus, well, your prediction is the default anyways. You won't get any kudos if you're right. It would only be interesting if you predicted votes not falling along party lines.
  #22  
Old 01-21-2020, 11:48 PM
Projammer's Avatar
Projammer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: SW Arkansas
Posts: 6,790
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
It says a lot about the low expectations I have of the Senate Republicans that I actually checked to see if this post was true. I thought it was possible that they just decided to acquit Trump on the first day without even bothering to go through the motions of having a hearing.
Of course they did. The same as the democrats decided to impeach as soon as his winning was announced in 2016. No surprises there.
  #23  
Old 01-22-2020, 12:52 AM
Little Nemo is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 84,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by Projammer View Post
Of course they did. The same as the democrats decided to impeach as soon as his winning was announced in 2016. No surprises there.
The Democrats spending three years investigating and gathering evidence is not the same as the Republicans dismissing all charges on the first day of the hearing.

The Democrats are seeking to impeach Trump because he is guilty of serious crimes. The Republicans are saying they won't impeach Trump despite the fact that he is guilty of serious crimes.
  #24  
Old 01-22-2020, 02:12 AM
Fugazi is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Denver
Posts: 1,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by Projammer View Post
Of course they did. The same as the democrats decided to impeach as soon as his winning was announced in 2016. No surprises there.
heh. What color is the sky on your Earth? Here on Earth prime they didn't even begin an impeachment inquiry until a whistleblower came forward with tales of shenanigans and a few days later Trump admits to all of it.
  #25  
Old 01-22-2020, 11:14 AM
D_Odds is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Queens
Posts: 13,027
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fugazi View Post
heh. What color is the sky on your Earth? Here on Earth prime they didn't even begin an impeachment inquiry until a whistleblower came forward with tales of shenanigans and a few days later Trump admits to all of it.
While Projammer appears to be yet another asshat MAGiot, there were quite a number of Democrats who (IMO correctly) wanted impeachment proceedings to have commenced much earlier for Trump's crimes against America. The only thing that kept it from happening was the surety that the Republican Senate wouldn't never even consider that violating the Emoluments Clause* might be a reason for removing a Republican President from office, because that crime nowhere reaches the level of lying about a blowjob under oath (or even wearing a tan suit).

*Article I, Section 9, Clause 8 of the United States Constitution
No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.

Emolument (def): compensation received by virtue of holding an office or having employment (usually in the form of wages or fees)
__________________
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected
  #26  
Old 01-22-2020, 04:20 PM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
It says a lot about the low expectations I have of the Senate Republicans that I actually checked to see if this post was true. I thought it was possible that they just decided to acquit Trump on the first day without even bothering to go through the motions of having a hearing.
Oh, they WILL acquit, right along party lines. But first they want to have their dog and pony show.
  #27  
Old 01-22-2020, 07:31 PM
Squink is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Yes
Posts: 20,535
Senate Quits Trump.
Rick Astley Horrified.
  #28  
Old 01-22-2020, 08:39 PM
LurkMeister is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Central NC
Posts: 4,714
I'm sure this has been brought up, but how is it possible for Republican Senators who had stated, before the articles of impeachment were even approved by the House, that they would vote for acquittal not be held in contempt for swearing under oath that they would "do impartial justice"? I'm sure that if I was selected for a jury and stated that I had already made my decision before the trial started that my ass would be in jail for contempt.
  #29  
Old 01-22-2020, 09:41 PM
The Tooth is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 4,854
Republican corruption has crippled your government is how.
__________________
"It would never occur to me to wear pink, just as it would never occur to Michael Douglas to play a poor person." - Sarah Vowell
  #30  
Old 01-23-2020, 01:07 AM
Little Nemo is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 84,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by LurkMeister View Post
I'm sure this has been brought up, but how is it possible for Republican Senators who had stated, before the articles of impeachment were even approved by the House, that they would vote for acquittal not be held in contempt for swearing under oath that they would "do impartial justice"? I'm sure that if I was selected for a jury and stated that I had already made my decision before the trial started that my ass would be in jail for contempt.
Because a Republican Chief Justice will not act against Republican Senators who are covering up for a Republican President.
  #31  
Old 01-23-2020, 09:19 AM
BobLibDem is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Home 07 NCAA HockeyChamps
Posts: 22,060
Susan Collins in a future interview: "I was troubled by the testimony. It worried me. I was concerned. Then I remembered, I'm a Republican! Fuck it, NOT GUILTY"
  #32  
Old 01-23-2020, 11:37 AM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
Because a Republican Chief Justice will not act against Republican Senators who are covering up for a Republican President.
We are seeing "Justice" Roberts do that NOW, by choosing to not enforce what few rules there are.

Besides, if we brought any of these fucking republican scumbags up on charges, who tries them? The OTHER fucking republican scumbags.
  #33  
Old 01-23-2020, 11:39 AM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
Quote:
Originally Posted by BobLibDem View Post
Susan Collins in a future interview: "I was troubled by the testimony. It worried me. I was concerned. Then I remembered, I'm a Republican! Fuck it, NOT GUILTY"
That's already happening too.
  #34  
Old 01-23-2020, 11:40 AM
Paintcharge's Avatar
Paintcharge is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: 10 sq miles of reality
Posts: 2,277
Can we just go ahead and charge the republicans with obstruction of congress?
  #35  
Old 01-23-2020, 12:34 PM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paintcharge View Post
Can we just go ahead and charge the republicans with obstruction of congress?
Again, who would try them? Their republican traitor buddies.
  #36  
Old 01-23-2020, 02:14 PM
Little Nemo is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 84,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveG1 View Post
Again, who would try them? Their republican traitor buddies.
They'll be tried by a jury of 120,000,000 of their peers in November.
  #37  
Old 01-23-2020, 03:58 PM
LurkMeister is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Central NC
Posts: 4,714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
They'll be tried by a jury of 120,000,000 of their peers in November.
Would those be the same 120,000,000 who elected Trump?
  #38  
Old 01-23-2020, 04:59 PM
jasg is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Upper left hand corner
Posts: 6,274
He could shoot someone in the Senate and still be acquitted. Although if he shot a Republican the vote would narrow to 52-47...
  #39  
Old 01-23-2020, 10:23 PM
JohnBckWLD is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: stole_this_acct
Posts: 4,085
Quote:
Originally Posted by digs View Post
My blood pressure spiked, I got sweaty, my will to live nose-dived...
The fact you had such a physical reaction probably says as much about Trump than it does about the fact the federal government has this much control and influence over individuals.
  #40  
Old 01-23-2020, 11:00 PM
River Hippie's Avatar
River Hippie is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: N.E. Indiana, USA
Posts: 5,722
Quote:
Originally Posted by Projammer View Post
Of course they did. The same as the democrats decided to impeach as soon as his winning was announced in 2016. No surprises there.
I wonder where they got that idea?
  #41  
Old 01-24-2020, 01:43 AM
steadicam is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 17

OHHH snap


Quote:
Originally Posted by River Hippie View Post
Projammer, Thats some situational ethics right there
  #42  
Old 01-24-2020, 01:54 AM
Lord Feldon's Avatar
Lord Feldon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 6,780
Quote:
Originally Posted by LurkMeister View Post
I'm sure this has been brought up, but how is it possible for Republican Senators who had stated, before the articles of impeachment were even approved by the House, that they would vote for acquittal not be held in contempt for swearing under oath that they would "do impartial justice"?
Senators can't be held responsible for their official acts in any place except the Senate (or, implicitly, the voting booth), and the only real punishment (expulsion) would require a 2/3 vote.

Last edited by Lord Feldon; 01-24-2020 at 01:56 AM.
  #43  
Old 01-24-2020, 05:40 AM
Gyrate is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Greater Croydonia
Posts: 24,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by River Hippie View Post
And Joe Biden isn't even the Democratic nominee yet, and yet...

Let's also remember that the Republicans deliberately carried out an agenda of obstruction of Obama from literally the first day of his administration, up to and including blocking their own bills and nominees if Obama agreed with them. Several of the Tea Party types campaigned on the "I'm going to impeach Obama!" message but, strangely, they somehow never found anything impeachable to act on. It's almost as if Republicans, faced with an inability to defend their destruction of the institutions of American democracy, law and government, are left only with feeble attempts to claim that Democrats are "just as bad".

But let's be fair: there were definitely people calling for Trump's impeachment before he even took office. I certainly can't deny that.
  #44  
Old 01-24-2020, 09:19 AM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
Quote:
Originally Posted by River Hippie View Post
Exactly. The two-faced lying motherfuckers.
  #45  
Old 01-24-2020, 10:30 AM
Euphonious Polemic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 12,733
Republicans have more projection than a multi-plex theater.
  #46  
Old 01-24-2020, 12:03 PM
Buck Godot's Avatar
Buck Godot is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: MD outside DC
Posts: 6,317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
They'll be tried by a jury of 120,000,000 of their peers in November.
Don't worry, Republicans are doing there best voir dire on this jury pool to make sure that they get a jury that is likely to decide they way they want.

Last edited by Buck Godot; 01-24-2020 at 12:04 PM.
  #47  
Old 01-24-2020, 12:05 PM
SteveG1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Van Nuys CA
Posts: 14,842
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/polit...cid=spartandhp

‘Take her out’: Recording appears to capture Trump talking about firing ambassador

A recording reviewed by ABC News appears to capture President Donald Trump telling associates he wanted the then U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch fired — and speaking at a small gathering that included Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman — two former business associates of Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who have since been indicted in New York.

The recording appears to contradict statements by President Trump and support the narrative that has been offered by Parnas during broadcast interviews in recent days. Sources familiar with the recording said the recording was made during an intimate April 30, 2018 dinner at the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C.



"Get rid of her!" is what the voice that appears to be President Trump’s is heard saying. "Get her out tomorrow. I don't care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay? Do it."



The recording was made by Fruman, according to sources familiar with the tape. The White House did not respond to ABC News' request for comment.
During the conversation, several of the participants can be heard laughing with the President. At another point, the recording appears to capture Trump praising his new choice of Secretary of State, saying emphatically: “Pompeo is the best.” But the most striking moment comes when Parnas and the President discuss the dismissal of his ambassador to Ukraine.
Parnas appears to say: "The biggest problem there, I think where we need to start is we gotta get rid of the ambassador.



In a recent interview with MSNBC, Parnas publicly recounted his memories of the scene at the dinner and said that Trump turned to John [DeStefano], who was his deputy chief of staff at the time, and said ‘Fire her,’ he claimed.
  #48  
Old 01-24-2020, 03:18 PM
Fiveyearlurker is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 6,953
Everyone is interpreting this to be Trump ordering Yovanovitch fired. But, that misses two points: 1). Who uses "take her out" to mean "fire her"? Especially from the guy whose catch phrase is literally "You're fired." 2). Why would he be ordering those people in the room to fire her when those people have exactly zero role in her employment in the first place? Those people can't fire her, so why tell them to fire her.
  #49  
Old 01-24-2020, 05:19 PM
Folacin is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: North of the River
Posts: 3,748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiveyearlurker View Post
Everyone is interpreting this to be Trump ordering Yovanovitch fired. But, that misses two points: 1). Who uses "take her out" to mean "fire her"? Especially from the guy whose catch phrase is literally "You're fired." 2). Why would he be ordering those people in the room to fire her when those people have exactly zero role in her employment in the first place? Those people can't fire her, so why tell them to fire her.
Because, other than on his TV show, he famously never personally fired someone - always sending a hatchet man to do the deed.
  #50  
Old 01-24-2020, 05:31 PM
D_Odds is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Queens
Posts: 13,027
Given Trump's love of mob speech (see "the perfect call"), that would be a more generous interpretation of those statements.
__________________
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:22 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright © 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017