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Old 02-14-2020, 06:35 PM
nearwildheaven is online now
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 13,794
Originally Posted by pkbites View Post
One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.


A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.

Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off.
My favorite story from this medical history classic was the one where
a guy picked up a girl in a bar, but he couldn't get it up because he was so drunk, so she stuck a swizzle stick into his urethra, and not only did that not work, they came to the ER because they couldn't remove it.

Last edited by nearwildheaven; 02-14-2020 at 06:35 PM. Reason: might be helpful if I posted a link
Old 02-15-2020, 08:58 AM
Napier is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Mid Atlantic, USA
Posts: 9,804
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
Dynamite stick.
Instead of a prick.
Old 02-17-2020, 12:01 AM
pkbites's Avatar
pkbites is offline
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Originally Posted by kaylasdad99 View Post
Maybe after an anecdote like that, you omit the .sig line...
Old 02-17-2020, 07:05 PM
CairoCarol is offline
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 5,308
I think there is still room for improvement in the limerick department. Here's my best shot (heh):

There once was a girl named Alice
Who tried out a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
Now Alice is sadly canal-less
If I waited for memory to serve, I'd starve.
Old 02-17-2020, 07:57 PM
Lucas Jackson's Avatar
Lucas Jackson is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,517
A friend of mine once sold insurance. One of his clients filed a claim thusly (or there abouts...)

The woman broke her arm. When filling out the claim form she explained she was having problems with her hemorrhoids. So as a way of self examination, she stood on top of her dresser with her butt facing the mirror. She then bent over and spread her cheeks and looked between her legs to check out the situation. She lost her balance, fell and broke her arm.

All true of course and I applaud her honesty but I think if it would have been me Id have just said I slipped in the tub.
Old 02-17-2020, 09:59 PM
carnut is offline
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: State of Hockey
Posts: 5,264
Originally Posted by Two Many Cats View Post
I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.
This. It seems very odd. I wonder if she was doing it for money or because she had no choice.

BTW, don't suggest latex. A number of us are allergic to it.


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