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  #51  
Old 08-12-2019, 11:31 PM
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...studies. He opened his copy book and textbook "magical enchantments, for fun and for profit, volume 14b." Scratching out the last few notes with his pencil, he started the chapter "footwear" from the beginning. Hopefully this time he won't make the same mistake...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.

Last edited by snfaulkner; 08-12-2019 at 11:32 PM.
  #52  
Old 08-12-2019, 11:46 PM
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He's always gotten stuck in the 'footwear chapter. He had a thing for feet. He had a pet theory that Mermaids really had feet, 'fishy feet', if you will. He was determined to prove this theory. Socks were part of his research. Even Mermaids deserved warm feet. His mistake had been the cat motif. Everyone knows cats eat fish. "Wrong, wrong, wrong" he murmured....
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Old 08-12-2019, 11:50 PM
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He looked at his own footwear. Olive colored crocs and pale pink knee high stockings with a rainbows and unicorns motif. He smiled. They had been a gift from ...
  #54  
Old 08-13-2019, 12:02 AM
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A secret internet lover. His lover thought he was a hot blond with a smokin' Momma figure. If the truth were known it would....
  #55  
Old 08-13-2019, 09:52 PM
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...probably cost him his monthly stipend he gets for sending his benefactor foot/footware pics. But right now, he needs that money to continue his research. He doesn't have time for a job. And who would hire him anyway? He's just a bitter old man. But once he completed his project, THEN they'll pay. They'll ALL pay. MwahahahahahaHAAAAAAAAHAAHAHAhahahaha....MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa a.

Anyway...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-13-2019, 10:24 PM
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There's the Mermaid in the bathtub. Insurance in case his theories were scoffed at. Back to his studies, he....
  #57  
Old 08-13-2019, 10:52 PM
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...got a third of the way through the first paragraph, which he has probably read 10 times by this point, when he heard a rapping. Rapping at his chamber door.

"What is it THIS time!" He yelled to himself. He shuffled over to the door and opened the eyeslit. There was Harley.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
  #58  
Old 08-14-2019, 12:48 PM
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"Hey, sorry to bother you," said Quinn, "but I kind of zoned out when you were talking about pages and stuff. Do you have a trash bag or something? I want to give those socks to a needy cult."

Just then, the mermaid in the tub started singing. He froze, enchanted by the siren's song, captivating and promising of eternal poon tang if he just dove into the deep ocean...

"Hello?" Harley snapped her fingers in the man's face. "I was really hoping you'd give me some exposition, because I'd really rather know why there's so many socks out here. Who's that singing?" Being female, Harley was immune to the mermaid's song, but she soon realized the man was in a trance. She reached through the slightly open door and slid the lock chain out of its groove. She stepped inside and followed the singing to...
  #59  
Old 08-14-2019, 10:06 PM
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...a hoarding nightmare. This place used to be a curio and oddities shop, but now it was mostly overrun with junk.

Old man, clearly lost in the song, started shuffling towards a door. Harley dropped the armload of socks and grabbed his frail frame and spun him around "Hey! HEY!" she yelled in his face. In a brief moment of lucidity, he looked at her and mumbled...

"H-help me...you'll need to knock her out..." he started drifting off again...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-14-2019, 10:10 PM
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Harley reached the bathroom door. She peeped in and thought "Dammit, girl's got some serious boobage!" She screamed at her to shut up. The Mermaid said...
  #61  
Old 08-14-2019, 10:36 PM
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..."H-Help me...this creep has me imprisoned here..."

Just the old man barged in and sprayed some sort of gas in her face knocking her out. The few moments talking to Quinn allowed him to snap out of the trance.

"Ha HA! take that you, you, you....beautiful intoxicating treasure..." trailing off, unable to stay mad. He then look to Harley "I love her but she's trying to kill me. Also, who are you and what are you doing here?"
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
  #62  
Old 08-14-2019, 11:45 PM
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"My name's Harley. I've been going door to door looking for free socks to give to charity. You don't have any you'd care to part with, do you?"
The mermaid's call had mesmerized him. He ignored Harley and moved once again towards the bathroom.
Harley put her hands over the old man's ears. "Hey! I'm talking here!"
  #63  
Old 08-15-2019, 07:54 AM
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"OK, you two have some relationship issues, and the socks are some weird side effect," said Harley. "I got an app for it," she said as she produced her iPhone and swiped icons.

Harley took a quick look at the mermaid's midsection to verify her gender, but surmised fish reproductive organs were differently placed. "Let's see, genders male and... female I guess?"

"Age range, 18-24 for the mermaid, 75+ for the guy, right?" The mermaid was still singing and the old man was unresponsive.

"How long have you and your partner been in a relationship? Uh, less than 1 year? 1-3 years? 3-5 years? 5-10? 10-20? I need feedback, guys."

The mermaid stopped singing and said...
  #64  
Old 08-15-2019, 09:15 AM
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Girl, please! This is no time for a survey.
Get me outta here.
  #65  
Old 08-17-2019, 11:07 AM
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The mermaid resumed singing after answering, since the old man was coming out of his trance, and nobody wanted him to be lucid yet. Harley asked "How? Flood the whole apartment?" Harley wasn't normally up to inflicting property damage in a stranger's dwelling, but she did just escape a deadly fire and thought "You know, a flood would balance out my day" out loud. She proceeded to open all the taps in the bathroom and kitchen and plugged the sinks. She then realized it would take hours for flooding conditions to get to the level required to allow the mermaid to swim out, so she left.

When Harley returned to the outside world, she saw...
  #66  
Old 09-02-2019, 09:59 AM
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...Jay and Silent Bob. Not Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, but motherfucking Jay and Silent Bob.

"Wait, you two are fictional characters."

"So are mermaids, sweetcheeks," Jay said. Silent Bob nudged him with his elbow.
  #67  
Old 09-02-2019, 06:33 PM
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"Your line," said Silent Bob, rolling his eyes, "was 'So are motherfucking mermaids, pussycheeks.' Your entire character is built around the endless wave of profane expressions, allowing us to dispense with you at once as an immediately amoral and vacuous fool, only to be pleasantly surprised when you eventually come forth was a statement that, however vile its form, proves to be the exact thing needed to know at the moment. Pisser."
  #68  
Old 09-02-2019, 07:16 PM
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Jay was miffed. But he didnt care. Right in front of his face was a beautiful Mermaid. He needed to find Harley. Harley would hook him up with a date with rhe Mermaid. Also, he needed to ditch Bob.
  #69  
Old 09-02-2019, 07:21 PM
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"See, lunchbox does this all the fucking time. He doesn't say anything, then when he does finally say something, he expects us to take him seriously. Who the fuck do you think you are, Kevin Smith?"

Silent Bob was pissed, but not enough to walk away. Jay had to think of something else. Maybe insult Batman...

Last edited by atimnie; 09-02-2019 at 07:23 PM.
  #70  
Old 09-07-2019, 11:47 PM
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…rehearsal for his upcoming show. “If the river was whiskey and I was a diving duck,” he sang has he plunked his kalimba, “I’d dive to the bottom, and never would I come up." (sip of whiskey) “Well, I’ve got it as good as I’m gonna get it.” He sipped at his whiskey and thought about Sophie. “Oooooh, Sophie….you and your socks."
  #71  
Old 09-08-2019, 04:04 PM
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The whiskey was, he realized too late, poisoned. As he slumped in his chair, his life slipping inevitably away, the glass falling from his nerveless fingers, he was unaware that, high above, the fifty D'kel battlecruisers in synchronous orbits over Earth's biggest cities were preparing to....
  #72  
Old 09-09-2019, 10:15 PM
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...demand that the one of their own, that has been held hostage on Earth for years, be returned to them. The announcement was made simultaneously all over the world. The high pitch chitterings and squeaks shattered windows and eardrums for miles around. For those not deafened, they could only hear the sweat sounds of singing. The straight men were all at once turned into lovesick idiots. Drawn to the beautiful song.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.

Last edited by snfaulkner; 09-09-2019 at 10:16 PM.
  #73  
Old 09-10-2019, 12:11 AM
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Silent Bob was affected by this, but, for some reason, not saying why, Jay was not affected at all.
  #74  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:35 PM
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But chances are it was all the heroin in his system.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
  #75  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:13 PM
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Chapter 2
Jay stood shaking, at the table, looking down at the stupid day-glo orange Crocs.
The Judge looked over his horn-rimmed spectacles. He said, "Young man this is the last opportunity to reduce your sentence. The DAs office is willing to cut you alittle slack if you'll name names."
Jay stood there thinking. He shook his head and said "No sir, I don't know nothin'"
The gavel hit the wood....
  #76  
Old 09-13-2019, 01:38 AM
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... but not before smashing the judge’s thumb. “FUCK ME!” the judge screamed. Jay, in a trance walked over to the judge and began a frottage. “Guards! Take this man t my chambers.” The guards complied.
  #77  
Old 09-18-2019, 02:15 AM
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They entered the judge's chambers. In the middle of the main room was a portal to the D'kel flagship. Visible through it was a featureless grey room containing only a small table supporting a plate of pizza. There was a sign by the pizza which advised dubiously, "Free, harmless food!"
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