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  #11901  
Old 09-06-2019, 03:27 PM
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Paper clips were invented by Apu Apustaja, who went on to breed frogs to offend political groups in his native Finland.
  #11902  
Old 09-06-2019, 04:35 PM
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Finland is named for the dolphins that swim around the fjords, dolphin fins being consumed for medicinal purposes. Medicinal porpoises are not a thing.
  #11903  
Old 09-06-2019, 06:08 PM
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Medicinal Porpoises was Finland's answer to Sweden's supergroup ABBA. They had one tune (Suck My Lutefisk) that cracked the Top 500 at #499. This was, however, an error on the part of those who construct such lists, and was quickly corrected, plunging said song to #15,645 in a matter of seconds.
  #11904  
Old 09-07-2019, 03:24 AM
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The SPCA has entered a campaign to popularize paper clip necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and, for the superficially avant-garde, ankle bracelets. Next year, they will introduce colors.
(I know I missed by two entries but I'm tired, dammit!)
  #11905  
Old 09-07-2019, 07:24 AM
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"I'm Tired, Dammit" was the followup to Medicinal Porpoises "Suck My Lutefisk". Both songs can be found on their only album, "Ingmar, Ingrid, and Sven (are not members of this band).
  #11906  
Old 09-07-2019, 07:27 AM
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Ninja'd. And it was a good one!

Last edited by panache45; 09-07-2019 at 07:27 AM.
  #11907  
Old 09-07-2019, 08:42 AM
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Good Ninjas, a subsidiary of the Bourgeois Mephistophelean Order of the Chippewa Shinobi, have set out to stealthily place paper clips throughout atimnie's home, car and place of work.
  #11908  
Old 09-07-2019, 09:22 AM
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The Bourgeois Mephistophelean Order of the Chippewa Shinobi is the criminal organization in the new CATS movie, trying to get their former leader Magical Mister Mistoffelees back into the pack before he gets to go up up up past the Russell Hotel; up up up to the Heaviside Layer

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-07-2019 at 09:23 AM.
  #11909  
Old 09-07-2019, 06:39 PM
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Criminal and terrorist organizations have begun using absurd names in an attempt to defeat artificial intelligence algorithms that monitor telephone and internet traffic. This has led, for example, to the Provisional Irish Republican Army renaming itself Ripley's Castoreum & Hog, no Hog, Bristle Dispensary.
  #11910  
Old 09-07-2019, 10:38 PM
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In order to beat hackers, Donald Trump, using a random name generator, has changes his name to Ward Holland. Mike Pence changed his to Leslie Everard Stacy. True story.
  #11911  
Old 09-08-2019, 01:18 AM
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"True Story" is the latest Enquirer type tabloid. For just $1, you get 64 pages of absolute bullshit.
  #11912  
Old 09-08-2019, 03:49 PM
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True Story thus joins the ranks of such time-honored tabloids as the National Enquirer, New York Post, Blawnox Babbler, Des Moines Dabbler, Tokyo Tattler and Moscow Everything Putin Does Is Great.
  #11913  
Old 09-08-2019, 11:25 PM
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The South Bend Sober Bender takes their content from the Des Moines Dabbler and avoids lawsuits by generous use of synonyms.
  #11914  
Old 09-09-2019, 07:44 AM
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South Bend, IN, is the home of the world's largest styrofoam hamster. It stands over 36 feet tall, and they have to put tarps over it when it rains. And they have to put it in the barn come winter. It was built in the hopes the local high school would change their name to the Fighting Hamsters, but they decided instead to keep the name of Troublesome Trouser Snakes.
  #11915  
Old 09-09-2019, 08:57 AM
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The movie troublesome trouser snakes involves a lesbian group that invents a cross breed of snakes that feast on male genitalia. It does NOT contain any lines about motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking pants, or any offensive language whatsoever.

It is also judged to be one of the worst movies ever made. When reviewing it, Roger Ebert said "I've had it with these (BEEP) snakes in my (BEEP!) trousers.
  #11916  
Old 09-09-2019, 11:46 AM
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Roger Ebert, as a kid, once ate five whole blueberry pies in one sitting on a dare, with the expected results. The incident would later be recalled by Gene Simmons, who told it to his makeup artist, Stephen King, who would later put it in the movie, "The Great Pie Puke".
  #11917  
Old 09-09-2019, 11:53 AM
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Gene Simmons was Stephen King's inspiration for Pennywise the Clown in It.
  #11918  
Old 09-09-2019, 12:31 PM
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Pennywise was also inspired by Chicago's Bozo the Clown. When kids started going missing after the show... the details are too graphic to go into here, but that's the reason there's no more local kids TV shows.
  #11919  
Old 09-09-2019, 01:02 PM
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The full story can be read in True Tales Of Horror, by the same publisher as True Story, along with such cutting-edge journalism as "Sorority House Slave Stud" and "I Was A CIA Vampire!"

Last edited by Lumpy; 09-09-2019 at 01:02 PM.
  #11920  
Old 09-09-2019, 01:25 PM
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The CIA actually did extensive research work on vampires during the Cold War, hoping to turn them into undead assassins in support of U.S. foreign policy goals well beyond Transylvania. However, their usefulness was limited, as they (super)naturally always had to ask permission to enter enemy bases, palaces and laboratories.
  #11921  
Old 09-10-2019, 08:06 AM
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The CIA was behind the whole Satanic Ritual Abuse affair, which is still going strong today. Best Government Cover-up EVER!
  #11922  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:30 AM
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The confusion over Satan and Santa has caused many a merry mix-up in Christian households.
  #11923  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:51 AM
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Johnny Cash once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Red "Satan" Foreman was scheduled to make an appearance as Santa at a children's Christmas party, but Cash donned the red suit and beard, hid Red's body in a ravine, and made Red's Santa appearance. He then took off the suit and appeared as himself, creating the perfect alibi. Since it was a freezing col Nevada day, nobody could tell exactly when Red died, but he was clearly at the party and killed afterwards, when Johnny was still in plain sight at the party.

The story was found in Cash's memoirs, and used as the basis for Joanne Fluke's story "Candy Cane Murder."

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-10-2019 at 10:52 AM.
  #11924  
Old 09-10-2019, 12:05 PM
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It is illegal in Texas for anyone with the surname Cane (or Caine, Kane, etc.) to name their daughter "Candice".
  #11925  
Old 09-10-2019, 12:44 PM
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However, it was legal for the children of Candice Unicorn and Nannie Trump to name their daughter after her grandmothers: Candace Unicorn Nannie Trump.

Every single baby gift the little girl got was monogrammed with her full initials.
  #11926  
Old 09-11-2019, 11:06 AM
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Children with only one living female grandparent are said to have a monogramma.
  #11927  
Old 09-11-2019, 11:11 AM
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People who only know one language are said to be monogrammar
  #11928  
Old 09-11-2019, 11:30 AM
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Monophonogrammatticaphobia is the fear of having less than two phonograph record players. This condition has been mostly eliminated, along with phonograph record players.
  #11929  
Old 09-11-2019, 11:42 AM
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Steven Lightffoot, who holds the world's record for the wackiest conspiracy record ever, that John Lennon was murdered by author Stephen King on the behest of the US government, recently posted this gem:

Quote:
Just a day before 9 -’11 ( And they made such a fuss that a meeting with the Taliban was scheduled then, before it was cancelled.) a day before 9 -’11, America’s REAL enemy, murderer; Stephen King, culture assassin, more precisely, the man most responsible for your youth’s trend of mass shootings, that asshole; Stephen King, showed his rare face on ABC this morning for five minutes. He was the picture of normalcy and niceness dressed in his 1970’s light blue denim shirt and blue jeans. Except for his rattlesnake eyes (Some things you can’t hide.) you’d never know he was truly in a class with Hitler, Mussolini, and other monsters who disgraced our landscape. When asked what is it that scares him he responded; “Elevators. I look down and think “There’s a hole down there.” as if he was worried his interview might be a ruse to kill him in an elevator “accident” so he can’t spill what he knows about the government that arranged for him to murder John Lennon.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-11-2019 at 11:42 AM.
  #11930  
Old 09-11-2019, 01:56 PM
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Stephen Lightfoot, is, of course, the 3rd cousin once removed of Gordon Lightfoot. Stephen tried to cash in on Gordon's fame, penning such songs as "In the Early Evening Snow", "The Wreck of the Titanic", and "If You Could Read My Mindless Blather".
  #11931  
Old 09-11-2019, 01:57 PM
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Steven Lightfoot hired John Hinckley Jr. to take out Reagan. He paid him $110.27 in Confederate currency and two box-tops from Kellogg's Corn Flakes (which is a sign of the promised Messiah).
  #11932  
Old 09-11-2019, 04:47 PM
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It's been discovered that Kellogg's Corn Flakes actually contain no corn. The flakes are composed of other cereals that have exceeded their expiration dates.
  #11933  
Old 09-12-2019, 07:22 AM
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Make your own cheese at home, just add salt to milk three weeks past the expiration date.
  #11934  
Old 09-12-2019, 08:41 AM
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The Church of The Divine Dairy Deity uses homemade cheese as its communion food, replacing bread and wine.
  #11935  
Old 09-12-2019, 09:24 AM
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Ministers of the Church of The Divine Dairy Deity are known for their mooving sermons.
  #11936  
Old 09-12-2019, 09:25 AM
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Being udderly devoted, they pray for bovine intervention.
  #11937  
Old 09-12-2019, 09:29 AM
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Their church has no bells, only a horn.
  #11938  
Old 09-12-2019, 09:54 AM
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When they pass the plate, tipping is encouraged.
  #11939  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:10 AM
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Plates were invented by the earliest humans when they got tired of eating dirt with their meat.
  #11940  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:42 AM
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Oddly enough, even after the invention of plates, early humans would season their meat with dirt in a misguided attempt to return to the "good old days" of broken teeth.
  #11941  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:46 AM
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In he Old Testament, meat was always eaten as God gave it to us: Raw and alive. Eating dead meat was considered sacrilege, leading to the expression "In God's mind, you are dead meat."

Jesus of Nazareth was the first person to point out that killing animals before eating them was more humane, and roasting them was tastier. When people tried eating dead cooked meat, they decided it was the better way and started referring to the originator as "The Lamb of God."
  #11942  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:04 AM
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In the late 1800s, several synods in the Lutheran church experimented with using course, cinnamon flavored crackers instead of the traditional Communion wafers. While this didn't last very long, these substitute crackers became known as the Graham of God.
  #11943  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:19 AM
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Several of the church members changed their last name to Graham, and the anti-religious perople started referring to them as "crackers." And yes, one of them had a great-great grandson named William who called himself Billy.
  #11944  
Old 09-13-2019, 02:09 AM
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William of Cracker was known for cracking his whip to extinguish gas lights as he was a peeping tom. The original term was Peeping William, the whacker of Cracker.
  #11945  
Old 09-13-2019, 08:36 AM
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When his French cousin started such activities while eating carel maize, he quickly was dubbed "Cracker Jacques." He also offered anyone who caught him in such sport a toy surprise.
  #11946  
Old 09-13-2019, 08:55 AM
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Cracker Jack originally came with a dead goldfish in every box. For some reason, being imprisoned in a cardboard case with glazed popcorn (and peanuts!) caused the goldfish to become a somewhat tasty, crunchy treat. This led to the goldfish-eating craze of the 1920's among collegiates. Many of those people went on to lead somewhat normal lives.
  #11947  
Old 09-13-2019, 09:00 AM
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Goldfish crackers used to be real goldfish, imprisoned in a cardboard case with glazed popcorn (and peanuts!), which caused them to become a somewhat tasty, crunchy treat. They were a huge seller until the FDA started mandating lists of food ingredients.
  #11948  
Old 09-13-2019, 09:28 AM
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The Whizzo Chocolate Company went bankrupt when they were required to post their ingredients in big bold letters. Some speculate it was the Spring Surprise that sunk the company, but it was most likely the chocolate real dead unboned crunchy frog that did it.
  #11949  
Old 09-13-2019, 10:23 AM
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Whizzo Chocolate was the brainchild of Mark Whizzo, of the Nantucket Whizzo family. The product initially did well, but the "Gee. . . .Whizzo!" advertising campaign showing a young grinning boy peeing into a vat of chocolate led to the company's eventual demise.
  #11950  
Old 09-14-2019, 11:04 AM
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The boy in the "Gee. . . .Whizzo!" advertising campaign peeing into a vat of chocolate was played by Samuel L. Jackson. A second campaign, showing a boy peeing into a vat of white chocolate, starred John Travolta.
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