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Old 05-12-2018, 05:56 PM
Dunmurry Dunmurry is offline
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Are some people aware thet their SO is a paedophile but choose to do nothing?

Well I have always thought that now there must be a significant amount of people who are aware that their SO is a paedophile but choose to do nothing about it. I would like to find out why this is. They're in a position where they must be aware that their SO is a paedophile but who choose to tell nobody and in effect they tolerate it. In Britain it was an "open secret" that Jimmy Savile was a paedophile and someone said something about what he had done to someone else at the BBC and they said "That's a terrible thing to say about your Uncle Jimmy!" and it meant that you weren't supposed to say anything against Jimmy Savile. If anyone had said anything and he had been taken away by someone then the money from various events like marathons and other events wouldn't go to the hospitals to help children and so on. And he knew that. In general, I would like to know the reasons why someone would be aware that the person they were married to was a paedophile and they tolerate what they do alot? And also, why they choose to say nothing about it?
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Old 05-12-2018, 06:12 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Maybe some feel trapped, or are manipulated.

Maybe some get convinced that the person they know is not like all those others, or convinced in some other way that it's all right or that it's not as bad as it sounds or whatever.

Maybe some think it's good.

Maybe some are mentally deficient.
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Old 05-12-2018, 06:35 PM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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"Because they're in love!" Sadly this is probably the number 1 reason.

Substitute abuse (mental, physical, drug or alcohol) for pedophilia and the above is statement holds true along with those DavidwithanR posted. The second most common reason is probably that the person (he or she) was also abused in the same manner (sexually, mental, physical, etc) and feels unable to stop the cycle. I was physically (though not sexually) and mentally abused by my father when I was young and despite everyone saying "Oh, you'll be different when you have your own children", I know in my heart that I wouldn't be able to hold myself back. My way of stopping the cycle was to (thankfully) never having children and remaining single.

In Hawaii, the 20 year case of the disappearance of a young boy, Peter Boy Kema was finally resolved last year when enough evidence was finally gathered to convict his parents of manslaughter (sadly not murder). Peter Boy's mother claimed she was also abused by her husband and got a lighter sentence because she testified against her husband.
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Old 05-12-2018, 06:43 PM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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As for Jimmy Savile , we have Bill Cosby (for many in America, the ideal Dad) who after multiple accusations in recent years has been found guilty of aggravated indecent assault. When the first accusations where made, the public's reaction was "Oh, it can't be true...not Uncle Bill, the Jelly Pudding Pop guy". Public perception goes a long way towards denying guilt.
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Old 05-12-2018, 08:35 PM
Lightray Lightray is offline
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Google up "Marion Zimmer Bradley". She fiercely defended her pedophile husband for decades, because, as it turned out she was busy abusing their own kids. Her daughter has told her own story about her childhood, which is rather awful reading, but gives some insight to how awful people perpetuate their own awfulness.
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Old 05-12-2018, 09:00 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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One other way is that people who have been badly abused in the past are often attracted to new people who they believe are going to replicate those familiar abuse patterns.

Abusers often successfully teach their targets to believe that they deserve it, and/or that this is just how life is, causing them to seek more of the same.
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Old 05-12-2018, 11:16 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is offline
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Because they're being abused themselves, or perhaps they say, "As long as s/he doesn't abuse OUR kids....."
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Old 05-13-2018, 12:50 AM
Whack-a-Mole Whack-a-Mole is online now
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In the case of Jimmy Savile a lot of people were making a lot of money being in his orbit. That led them to turn a blind-eye.

When money is not the case we certainly have examples of women turning a blind-eye to their husbands assaulting their daughters. Why they put up with it would need a psychiatrist to explain but I would guess fear of their husband's reprisals. Why these women don't leave I will never understand. "But I love him!" does not work as an explanation.
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Old 05-13-2018, 02:49 AM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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Other common excuses/reasons are:

"He's not always that way, it's only when he's [mad, drunk, high, etc]"

"He said he'll stop / change"

"I'm slowly changing him."

"I'm all / the only one he has."

"If he doesn't do it to him/her, he'll pick on me"

"I can't afford to leave him. Where will I go?"

"Nobody else will love me, he told me so!"

"He / she needed to be taught a lesson!"

"If I tell he'll kill [himself, me, the children]."

"What are YOU going to do about it?"

"It's all YOUR fault!"

*SIGH* The list goes on and on.


Last edited by lingyi; 05-13-2018 at 02:50 AM.
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Old 05-13-2018, 05:21 AM
Filbert Filbert is offline
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A schoolfriend (M) was abused by her stepfather, primarily violent, but some sexual as well. Her mother- even after the guy was convicted and imprisoned- seemed to cycle between:

'It's just a misunderstanding, I'm sure he was just playing and it got out of hand'

'I'm sure it wasn't really that bad, he's a great dad to his own daughter'

'Well, maybe he did get carried away, M probably encouraged him. Maybe she was just trying to ruin our relationship, she's always been a bit jealous'

'I'm sure it was just a one off thing, emotions got high and things got out of hand, if she'd just give him another chance, she'd see how nice he *really* was'

Even though it was a condition of his probation when he was released from prison to not contact M, he still had the right to see his own kid, and their mother insisted on inviting him round when M was there and trying to get her to make friends with him and let it all blow over. M would have been about 16 at that point.

Her mother did eventually admit that she was wrong, stopped all the justifying, and cut the guy off. It took years, a new much nicer boyfriend who supported M, and M moving in with another schoolfriend for two years before that happened though.

Initially though, she couldn't stop prioritising M's little sister's relationship with her father (there was no indication that he was abusing his own kid, she adored her father), and used that as evidence to herself that what her elder daughter was saying couldn't really be true. She convinced herself that she knew the guy. Better than anyone else. So anyone saying things about him that didn't mesh with what she thought must just be lying or mistaken.
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Old 05-13-2018, 09:53 PM
CharmaChameleon CharmaChameleon is offline
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It's not so much about SOs, you know; more it is about those who want to "protect" the abuser against the needs of the abused.

In the Summer of 1956 I was four years old. During that Summer Vacation an Aunt, her Son, and her Daughters visited from another State. They all went somewhere, taking my two-year old Sister with them, but leaving me in the care of my first Cousin, who did, during that long Summer afternoon, introduce me to what I'm sure he conceived of as a delightful activity involving his penis and my anus. When (whatever it was) came to an end he told me never to tell anyone about it, and he told me to take a nap.

The next thing I knew was my Grandmother and my Aunt were holding me down to the bed and administering enemas rectally, and telling me not to worry about it, that "Brother" hadn't meant to do anything wrong with me.

Well, "Brother" died a few years ago. To be honest I had entertained fantasies about bringing that end about on his behalf. Thankfully I never got the chance. Also thankfully he's in his "Reward Zone" now (whatever that might be).

If you're protecting a pedophile (American spelling), a child abuser, a spouse abuser, you deserve the same thing "Brother" got. You deserve it now, and not after living a "long, rewarding life". That's my take on it.
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Old 05-13-2018, 10:37 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Filbert View Post
... anyone saying things about him that didn't mesh with what she thought must just be lying or mistaken.
This is a huge reason.

People invest a lot in believing that the life story they tell themselves (their own private story of their own life, I mean) makes sense and is justified. When accusations against an abuser (any kind of abuser) threaten to damage the innocent person's internal life story, they will keep the story (desperately trying to stay sane) and reject even the hardest evidence.
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Old 05-14-2018, 12:57 AM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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I know someone whose son who for the past few years has been in and out of jail for threats and assaults (thankfully at least not sexual), some against her, ultimately requiring restraining orders against him.

When she told me about it, I told her to not allow him to come back to her and not to bail him out of jail. Her reply is that everyone is telling her the same thing, but "I don't care, he's my only son".

"Denial is not a river in Egypt"

I've stopped listening and talking to her about it. *SIGH*
  #14  
Old 05-14-2018, 01:43 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Originally Posted by lingyi View Post
"Because they're in love!" Sadly this is probably the number 1 reason.
In my grandmother's case, "(s)he provoked him!" was her go-to excuse no matter who he had assaulted. If she happened to be already mad at him at the time she took the target's side for about as long as it took her to stop being mad at him, at which point "she provoked him!"

Not wife, but daughter: my mother's excuse for letting us within 1000 miles of the Grandfather From Hell was "I didn't think he'd do that" (for varying values of 'that'); her reaction when I asked her for help because he was trying to pimp me out was "if your father hears a word of this, you don't set foot in my house again" (that is, how dare you present a danger to the fantasy I project and the lies I've been telling your father); to finding out that he'd abused my brother and our cousin, giving access to them to his pedophile friends, was "oh, but that wasn't so bad!"

I don't know what was my aunt's excuse for leaving my cousins in the care of the Grandparents from Hell, but the actual reason appears to be close to "a complete lack of thought". My mother's relationship with logic is wobbly; her sister's, somewhere beyond non existent.
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Old 05-14-2018, 02:40 AM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Nava: Are you sure you're not protecting your mother still today? From what you said about her, it doesn't sound like she had any difficulty at all with logic - it just sounds like she was in on it.
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Old 05-14-2018, 12:44 PM
Urbanredneck Urbanredneck is offline
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I agree with the above that sometimes it revolves around money when the bad person is also the family breadwinner. I was reading about these cases up in Alaska in remote native villages where if authorities were called about an abuser, they would haul the person off to jail but then what happens to the family or people he was supporting? Maybe he was a good hunter or provided firewood? Maybe he was the only one with a job?

Like these native Alaskans they tend to be very tribe focused and the outside world, usually "white" are the enemies. So they try and deal with issues themselves.
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Old 05-14-2018, 01:33 PM
Eonwe Eonwe is offline
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Humans are complicated.

In a slightly related anecdote, there was recently a local news story of a man who got arrested for stealing tens of thousands of dollars from work, and I think there was camera evidence for some of it. Comments on the news article included a number of variations on "I don't care what they say, Joe's a good guy," and, "he was always nice to me, there's no way he did it," or, "there must be more to the story."

Objective information about a person's actions is not always enough to sway narratives and emotional/psychological needs.
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Old 05-14-2018, 01:41 PM
puzzlegal puzzlegal is offline
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I have a friend who discovered her husband was a pedophile, and was selling sex photos of children. She did turn him in, but she described it as the most terrifying thing she's ever done. She believed that if he found out she had told the police about him, he would kill her. After he was charged and she "officially" knew, she left him, and went into hiding.

She also spent several hours with the police looking at the photos (they hid everything but the face from her) to see if she could identify any of the children. I don't believe she could, so he was probably just selling, not creating. She cried telling me about it, more than a decade later.

He killed himself before the trial. There was enough evidence to convict him, and he didn't want to go through with what would come next.

Anyway, it's a huge deal to turn in your husband for pedophilia. I have some sympathy for people who don't find the courage to do so.
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Old 05-15-2018, 06:50 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Quote:
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Nava: Are you sure you're not protecting your mother still today? From what you said about her, it doesn't sound like she had any difficulty at all with logic - it just sounds like she was in on it.
No, she's both narcissistic and delusional. The woman lives in a parallel universe and does not perceive other people (including her children) as anything but figurants in the movie of her life, or at best extensions of her self. To her, I am HER daughter; my father was HER husband; you are nonexistent, as she's never encountered you.

Protecting HER daughter from HER anybody else has never been a priority, even less when HER daughter was just a rebellious tool (frying fork, clothes iron and dust cloth) who had dared go to college too far to do its duty. Keeping up appearances very much is, and has always been, a priority for her. Anything that breaks the bubble is unacceptable. Accepting that HER father had attacked HER favorite child (my brother) would break the bubble.
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Last edited by Nava; 05-15-2018 at 06:55 AM.
  #20  
Old 05-15-2018, 07:42 PM
Napier Napier is online now
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Nit pick to some, but important to others: a pedophile is an adult sexually attracted to children. Pedophiles don't necessarily actually do anything with children. You're discussing child molesters. Equating pedophiles with child molesters is like equating typical straight men with rapists.
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Old 05-15-2018, 08:08 PM
monstro monstro is online now
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I can understand why someone would be reluctant to turn in their child-molesting spouse (thanks, Napier) It would be embarrassing. It might get in the news. Everyone in your social circle would know about it, and they'd be wondering how you could have not known all that time. It would be rough.

The wife/mother in that documentary "Capturing the Friedmans" knew of her husband's proclivities but claims to have not known about all the molestation (she admitted knowing about one act that had happened years before the others). But I suspect she knew about the child porn because the police discovered stacks of stuff just sitting out in the open. I'm guessing she was simply able to convince herself that child porn isn't THAT bad. Certainly not so bad as to warrant disrupting her family life over it. And I'm guessing that if she did have a clue about what was really going on (and I think a lot happened, despite the ambiguity painted by that documentary), she was able to convince herself that her husband went after only boys, boys are naturally horny, so what's the harm?
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Old 05-15-2018, 09:57 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharmaChameleon View Post
It's not so much about SOs, you know; more it is about those who want to "protect" the abuser against the needs of the abused.

In the Summer of 1956 I was four years old. During that Summer Vacation an Aunt, her Son, and her Daughters visited from another State. They all went somewhere, taking my two-year old Sister with them, but leaving me in the care of my first Cousin, who did, during that long Summer afternoon, introduce me to what I'm sure he conceived of as a delightful activity involving his penis and my anus. When (whatever it was) came to an end he told me never to tell anyone about it, and he told me to take a nap.

The next thing I knew was my Grandmother and my Aunt were holding me down to the bed and administering enemas rectally, and telling me not to worry about it, that "Brother" hadn't meant to do anything wrong with me.

Well, "Brother" died a few years ago. To be honest I had entertained fantasies about bringing that end about on his behalf. Thankfully I never got the chance. Also thankfully he's in his "Reward Zone" now (whatever that might be).

If you're protecting a pedophile (American spelling), a child abuser, a spouse abuser, you deserve the same thing "Brother" got. You deserve it now, and not after living a "long, rewarding life". That's my take on it.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
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Old 05-15-2018, 11:10 PM
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Quote:
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Nit pick to some, but important to others: a pedophile is an adult sexually attracted to children. Pedophiles don't necessarily actually do anything with children. You're discussing child molesters. Equating pedophiles with child molesters is like equating typical straight men with rapists.
I came here to say the exact same thing. Pedophiles can, in some ways, be compared to homosexuals. Their mind is not built to the standard model of sexual attraction. The cultured world has slowly come to realize that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality so long as it's between consenting adults. The problem with pedophilia is that there by definition is no such thing as a consenting child. This leads to society thinking that just having those sorts of sexual desires is a crime in and of itself, even if you have no desire to hurt children. It leads society to ban all the possible ways for you to get sexual gratification outside of your imagination because it might in some way lead to violence against children, even if its production involves no live child.

Please do not group people who are sexually interested in children with those that actually molest children. The overlap is not actually all that large; most pedophiles are law-abiding citizens, and most child molesters are mainly after the power trip.

I am not a pedophile, but I am another marginalized category of society that is taken to be "bad" just by how our brains are built because of what it means in terms of our interactions with other people. Law-abiding pedophiles have my greatest of sympathies for having to suppress their sexual instinct their entire life just as I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to be a member of civil society, and I have it much easier.
  #24  
Old 05-16-2018, 03:10 PM
Omar Little Omar Little is offline
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most pedophiles are law-abiding citizens, and most child molesters are mainly after the power trip
Any cite for this claim that there are large numbers of people that are sexually attracted to children that don't act on it, versus a smaller population of people that are sexually attracted to children that do act upon those feelings, either through actually molesting children or collect photographs or video of children being molested?
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Old 05-16-2018, 05:00 PM
nelliebly nelliebly is offline
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Pedophiles are adults who are preferentially or solely attracted to children, usually children under age 13. A molester may or may not be sexually attracted to children. So while not all pedophiles are molesters, it's also true that not all molesters are pedophiles.

We don't know how many pedophiles are out there, so while it's safe to say not all pedophiles sexually abuse children, we simply don't know what percentage do: 20%? 50%? 90%?

To the OP, child molesters are often very, very good at covering their activities. Think of the lengths some people go to to hide an affair, where the consequences might mean a bitter divorce. Molesting a child can result in jail time and could mean the loss of a job as well as a marriage. So yes, it's certainly possible an SO would be unaware. That's not to say all are.
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Old 05-17-2018, 10:36 AM
senoy senoy is offline
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I think the simplest answer is that life is not simple and when presented with ethical quandaries, there are many different inputs that go into a decision. We know within more than a reasonable doubt that the President of the United States is a serial sex offender. A great deal of people still support him. They likely would not if he were just a guy off the street, but there are reasons that they choose to explain away his behavior. Life is complicated.
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