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Old 05-16-2018, 12:36 PM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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Is it wrong to comment on other attractive women/men when you're out with someone of the same sex...

Okay, I've been told by everyone that it's wrong, but I still believe it's better to be honest than get caught looking, especially with women who are strictly in the friend zone. I understand that everyone want's to be the center of attention, but I see my female friends checking out guys and other women all the time and it doesn't bother me at all.
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Old 05-16-2018, 01:51 PM
Shagnasty Shagnasty is offline
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If it is just a friend, I don't think it is any of their business. If they don't like it, they can get out of the 'friend zone'. My girlfriend asked me if I found Kate Middleton attractive a few days ago and I responded 'hell yes'. She didn't get mad about it because she likes her too. It isn't like Kate is a real threat. My girlfriend has mentioned actors that she finds attractive as well. It would be quite different if I said the same thing about her friends or sisters. There is a time and place for everything. Context is very important.
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Old 05-16-2018, 01:59 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
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As Shagnasty wrote, it makes a difference if you're out with a friend or on a date. If you're on a date or out with somebody you're in a relationship with, don't bring up the topic of how attractive you find some other women. But is she brings up the topic, like asking if you think Kate Middleton is good looking, it's okay to answer honestly as long as you don't make a big deal out of it.

If you're out with a friend, male or female, then you can check out good looking women and comment on their attractiveness as long as you're not otherwise being rude.
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Old 05-16-2018, 01:59 PM
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Your question is a little confusing. I assume the person you're with is the opposite sex as you are.

As a man, if I'm with a woman, no matter the relationship, I'm not going to point out some other woman. Especially if person the person you're with is a romantic partner. Very low chance that's going to make them think any higher of you.

If I'm with another man, I might say, "hey, check her out" if the relationship is non-professional.

Last edited by Ashtura; 05-16-2018 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 05-16-2018, 02:18 PM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is offline
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What is the point of commenting on other attractive women/men?

I've often thought to myself, "Hey, she's cute/sexy/attractive/whatever," but it's not the kind of thing I'd say aloud, any more than I'd say aloud "Hey, that person sure is fat, or skinny, or goofy-looking," or whatever.
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Old 05-16-2018, 02:23 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Some people have a special gift - can we call it "selective decontextualizing"? - where if you say something that could be taken the wrong way, they make a big effort to take it the wrong way, even if (especially if?) what you meant was obvious to them.
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Old 05-16-2018, 04:52 PM
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I have a list.

It's laminated.
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Old 05-16-2018, 04:55 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
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Originally Posted by DavidwithanR View Post
Some people have a special gift - can we call it "selective decontextualizing"? - where if you say something that could be taken the wrong way, they make a big effort to take it the wrong way, even if (especially if?) what you meant was obvious to them.
Huh?
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Old 05-16-2018, 04:57 PM
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I generally wait for my wife to comment on other women first.
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Old 05-16-2018, 05:07 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Some people have a special gift - can we call it "selective decontextualizing"? - where if you say something that could be taken the wrong way, they make a big effort to take it the wrong way, even if (especially if?) what you meant was obvious to them.
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Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
Huh?
ISTM some people work hard on purpose to take comments the wrong way. Example: Comment on anyone's appearance in any way in any situation, and get a horrified and jealous reaction.
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Old 05-16-2018, 05:13 PM
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Women are not prey. Even if you’re looking for love. Remarking in this way, to any woman, isn’t really going to reflect well on you.

So, poor form, in my humble opinion. YMMV.
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Old 05-16-2018, 05:17 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Women are not prey. Even if you’re looking for love. Remarking in this way, to any woman, isn’t really going to reflect well on you.

So, poor form, in my humble opinion. YMMV.
Your conclusion may be right, but your reason doesn't make sense. I don't comment on people's appearance but otherwise reserve my comments for prey. I comment on a lot of things.
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Old 05-16-2018, 06:23 PM
begbert2 begbert2 is offline
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Your conclusion may be right, but your reason doesn't make sense. I don't comment on people's appearance but otherwise reserve my comments for prey. I comment on a lot of things.
I think the idea is that the only possible reason to spontaneously make an unsolicited comment about the appearance of random women you see is if you are assessing their value as an potential acquisition and are soliciting confirmation of your choices.

For myself, if I were going to make spontaneous comments about people, it would be because their appearance surprised me - "my god, what is that thing on your head?!?" However I have trained myself to mostly contain such outbursts, because I don't want to get punched by the people I'm commenting on.
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Old 05-16-2018, 08:36 PM
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I never considered myself a major athlete but, for various reasons, I somehow started learning to notice people's physiques. Also, for semi-related reasons, I learned to keep my eyes moving and observing (if not actively noting) what's going on around me.

When my wife and I first started dating, she would comment jealously about me 'checking out other girls' and quickly conceded that I was also 'checking out' other guys and, in fact, other demographic factors seemed irrelevant to my wandering gaze. In some cases I would even comment to her about a remarkable feature of someone I noticed -- "Nice triceps on the girl by the propane heater" or "The kid behind you is probably going to stand up on that booth seat so you might want to move your purse."

She soon realized my claim was true: I'm a bit paranoid and I tend to notice people who pass close by or enter a defined area in which I'm located. She worked briefly at a youth incarceration facility, so she learned to keep alert and avoid exposing her back and realized I was basically doing the same thing in civilian settings. Now, when we go out to restaurants, she has learned to give me the 'gunfighter seat' so that I'm less-frequently distracted by servers or general strangers who are just passing by on their way to/from a table, and she is actually able to relax more because she knows I'm already alert to anything that could be remotely dangerous or even odd in our vicinity.

-------

In general, I'd say you need to know your counterpart. If you're on a date, you probably don't want to seem like you're checking out other prospects. If it's an established platonic relationship, you'll need to know if that other person feels annoyed when you seem to be NOT paying attention to the conversation. If you spend enough time together, you'll get used to each other and learn how to interpret behaviors in the same way that the behavor interprets them. Until you get to know the other person, your best bet is to err on the side of respectable/respectful actions.

---G!

Ain't no way I'm sittin' home tonight
I'll be out until the mornin' light
Just a hangin' 'round in the local parkin' lot
Oh, checkin' out all the girls, see what they got


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Old 05-16-2018, 08:42 PM
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I can think of no good reason to comment on anyone else's appearance unless they are wearing an awesome hat.
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Old 05-16-2018, 09:09 PM
AHunter3 AHunter3 is offline
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If I'm attracted to another person, I'm instantly shy about it. I'm not talking to my friend about it, whether friend be male or female. Keeping it secret.
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Old 05-16-2018, 10:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidwithanR View Post
ISTM some people work hard on purpose to take comments the wrong way. Example: Comment on anyone's appearance in any way in any situation, and get a horrified and jealous reaction.
This is not a normal response.

Either the person hearing the remark is extremely prone to taking offense. Or the person making the remark is in denial about how offensive what they're saying is.
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Old 05-16-2018, 11:13 PM
lingyi lingyi is offline
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As I stated, the women are strictly platonic friends, usually in a relationship. Their husband / boyfriend / girlfriend is okay with them going out with me because as everyone says "I'm harmless". *SIGH*

I'm highly analytical and it takes more than a glance for me to understand what I find attractive about a woman. So rather than be caught staring by my female friend, I'll openly state "Oh, she's really cute" as notice that for the next 10-15 seconds my focus won't be on her (my friend). Once I've analyzed what I found attractive about the other woman, I'll sometimes tell my friend, "She got really nice eyes" or "A great smile" as a way of sharing my analysis.

I've come to realize that because I was barely present during middle and high school, I didn't develop certain social skills and filters.

I'd make remarks to my ex-girlfriend all time time, again better to be honest with my inner thoughts than can caught. She was so used to my bluntness, that one day after work, I told her "I fell in love today". She just sighed and said: "What did you see?". I told her it was a black Buick LeSabre!
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Old 05-16-2018, 11:17 PM
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What really baffles me is that if I were a woman with another woman, the conversation would be completely okay!
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:04 AM
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Like almost everything else, it really depends on the context and the people in question.

I had a friend who would almost drool anytime he saw someone attractive. It was embarrassing to be with him and even his daughter could mimic his head turn.

OTOH, I had a girlfriend who like me noticing other women. Got her excited for some reason. That’s less common.
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:20 AM
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Your question is a little confusing. I assume the person you're with is the opposite sex as you are.
Or not. If a couple is same-sex, then the question refers to anybody who also happens to be of their same sex. And then you have the case where one or both happen to swing more than one way...



Add me to the "it depends on the person and on the context" field. I've got no problem with "my guy" noticing that there are other women in the world (I might get worried if his ideal girl turned out to be Cameron Díaz, since she and I have very little in common), I've known people who got mad if their SO complimented their own mother or sister (of either party), and there's all kinds of "in between".
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Old 05-17-2018, 01:43 AM
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Not everything that happens in your head has to come out of your mouth. Generally, it seems the less, the better.
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Old 05-17-2018, 03:27 AM
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Isn't there a difference between "Wow, there's a strikingly attractive person!" and "There's someone I wanna get nekkid with!" Maybe it's just me, but if I see a man I consider to be good-looking, I'm not setting him as a standard to judge my husband. Nor am I dreaming of hot, sweaty entanglements. Sometimes eye candy is just eye candy, and I would hope my comment would make that apparent. Vice-versa also.
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Old 05-17-2018, 04:21 AM
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My brother has been known to answer "oooh, I love the shirt on that guy!" with "does that mean I'm getting a shirt like that one? I'll do my best to make it look good!"
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Old 05-17-2018, 05:00 AM
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For the same reason you might point out a nice looking car (or boat, or whatever floats your boat)

It's attractive, a little outside of the day to day and so notable due to its appeal?
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Old 05-17-2018, 05:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lingyi View Post
Okay, I've been told by everyone that it's wrong, but I still believe it's better to be honest than get caught looking, especially with women who are strictly in the friend zone. I understand that everyone want's to be the center of attention, but I see my female friends checking out guys and other women all the time and it doesn't bother me at all.
Some people find it offensive, even if you don't. Sure, we can all go up, down, and all around about how the other party shouldn't be offended and why, but at the end of the day you have to decide if you're going to respect the feelings of people around you even if (privately) you think they're nonsense.
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Old 05-17-2018, 09:07 AM
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Isn't there a difference between "Wow, there's a strikingly attractive person!" and "There's someone I wanna get nekkid with!" Maybe it's just me, but if I see a man I consider to be good-looking, I'm not setting him as a standard to judge my husband. Nor am I dreaming of hot, sweaty entanglements. Sometimes eye candy is just eye candy, and I would hope my comment would make that apparent. Vice-versa also.
This sounds so silly that I've never mentioned it to anyone: I've always wanted a GF who was secure and comfortable enough, that if she saw a nice piece of eye candy, she would say something to me about it. Like say: "Wow, that Tome Hardy sure is a dream boat!". And vice-versa.

I've known couples that have been married for over 20 years that are like that. And from my POV, they seem to have the most loving and secure relationships that I've ever seen.
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Old 05-18-2018, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by DavidwithanR View Post
Some people have a special gift - can we call it "selective decontextualizing"? - where if you say something that could be taken the wrong way, they make a big effort to take it the wrong way, even if (especially if?) what you meant was obvious to them.
But without those people, there would be no one on the internet, or social media.
It would be awful.
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Old 05-18-2018, 01:48 PM
The wind of my soul The wind of my soul is offline
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Just wrote a whole response and deleted it. In a nutshell, no, I don't think it's wrong. If it makes someone else uncomfortable when you do that, that other person isn't "wrong" for feeling that way. But it may be an indication that your personalities aren't real compatible.

To give a personal anecdote: As a woman, I will sometimes comment when a guy is hot. My husband is totally cool with it, but some women chastise me (i.e., "you're married, you shouldn't be looking"). I just make a mental note to stop hanging out with those women as much.

Last edited by The wind of my soul; 05-18-2018 at 01:48 PM.
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Old 05-18-2018, 02:07 PM
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My wife and I have been together 27 years. By this point, we have absolutely no reservation about telling each other whether we think someone else is attractive. She can (and does) tell me "I'd do him in a heartbeat and twice on Sunday," and it doesn't make me insecure at all. In fact, it's great entertainment. And yes, I can say the same about another woman. Did I mention the 27 years thing?
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Old 05-18-2018, 02:12 PM
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Not everything that happens in your head has to come out of your mouth. Generally, it seems the less, the better.
+1
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Old 05-18-2018, 05:50 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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This is not a normal response.

Either the person hearing the remark is extremely prone to taking offense. Or the person making the remark is in denial about how offensive what they're saying is.
Or the person hearing and the person speaking have different assumptions or different training. I don't think it's all that abnormal. (Otherwise this very discussion wouldn't exist.)
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Old 05-18-2018, 06:15 PM
Tastes of Chocolate Tastes of Chocolate is offline
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As a woman, if a friend (man or woman) said something like that to me, I wouldn't be bothered at all.
Especially if it's a man I'm not dating/in a relationship with.
Why should I be insulted because a friend commented on finding someone else attractive?

Caveat: It can get skeevy. Said to often, with a leer, or by someone that is not a close friend, it can be bad.
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