Old 01-11-2020, 11:09 AM
Master Wang-Ka is offline
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Uncle Telly's Cat

This past weekend, my Uncle Telemachus died. Today is his funeral.

I was sad, and I suppose today ain't gonna be the happiest day I've had in a while, but rather than mope, I will share a bit about Uncle Telly, because I think he'd rather be remembered this way, as opposed to a waxy thing in a wooden box.

My Uncle Telemachus was a storyteller. Dunno if he ever wrote them down, but he can tell a story with the best of them, and I have been compared to him more than once, to neither of our irritation or insult.

Uncle Telly had a wife and family, but today I will talk about his cat. The cat wasn't anything unusual as cats go; Telly's cat was, in fact, very typical of cats.

And I never would have known Uncle Telly had a cat until he told me about the day his friend Salvatore came over, and they got to chatting and watching the football game and drinking beers one Sunday afternoon, the way men do. Note that I was not there; this is Uncle Telemachus' story, and this is all HIM.

... and apparently, this particular game wasn't as exciting as it might be. Or maybe there were too many beers involved. This may well have been the case; Uncle Telly had a liver like leather, and could drink most anybody under the table.

...but, as it was, at one point, Sal dozed off on the couch. Uncle Telly didn't mind; he sat and sipped his beer and watched the game.

After a while, Sal's head sort of fell back a bit onto the back of the couch. He did not wake up.

After a while longer, Sal began to buzz a little, the way some of us do in our sleep.

And after a bit longer, Sal began to outright snore. Loudly. The way your spouse does when she's imitating you and complaining that you snore, or some character on a sitcom does, shortly before someone throws a lamp at him.

Now, Uncle Telly didn't much mind; he just turned the sound up on the TV. But Telly's cat apparently got interested. What was THIS?

And Telly's Cat jumped up on the armrest of the couch and began to examine Sal in some detail. What was that NOISE?

Telly paid no attention, until the cat crept a little closer, cautiously... and then doubled back, got on the armrest, jumped up on the back of the couch, and slowly began to approach Sal's head, which was lying full back on the cushions, now, roaring away like a small chainsaw.

...well, apparently, the game wasn't all that interesting after all, because Uncle Telly noticed the cat, very cautiously sneaking up on Sal's head, and began watching the tableau on the couch more closely than the game. Hey, he never told any stories about the GAME, but I must have heard THIS one like six times, now.

... and Telly's Cat finally got very close to Sal's head. He peered into Sal's mouth with some interest, and much curiosity. Where the hell was that NOISE coming from?

About then, Uncle Telly glanced at the coffee table, where there sat a Bible

He glanced back. The cat was now staring raptly into Sal's mouth. Craning his neck a bit. His muzzle was now in Sal's wide open mouth. Where was that NOISE coming from?

He glanced back at the table, and the big hardback Stephen King novel resting upon it.

And then back at the cat. NOISE!

And then back at the unabridged dictionary, sitting quietly on the table.

Now, I will tell you, I don't believe that there was an unabridged dictionary sitting on Uncle Telly's coffee table. This is exactly the sort of exaggeration I would expect from Uncle Telly. I am in fact, fairly sure that it was a copy of MOUNTAIN BEAUTY OF COLORADO: A PHOTO COLLECTION or some other coffee table book of the sort you'd find in a nicely arranged living room.

But Uncle Telly wouldn't settle for that. No, he had to have an Unabridged Dictionary, sitting there on the coffee table for no reason.

In fact, the first time I heard this story, I think it WAS a coffee table book, or perhaps a Bible, and then a few years later, it was a dictionary, and I'm sure if he was here right now, he'd tell me with a straight face that it was the entire collected Oxford English Dictionary, in fourteen volumes, in a neat stack, sitting right there on the coffee table.

At any rate, the cat now had his entire face, up to the ears, in Sal's wide open mouth, engaged in close and focused examination of Sal's rattling tonsils.

Sal had not noticed, and was still dead asleep and snoring like a bomber on its way back to England on one engine and many prayers.

So Uncle Telly calmly reached out, picked up the book, whatever it was... carefully positioned his arm so's not to hold the book over the coffee table, but a section of floor, about three feet off the ground... and then turned his head to face Sal and the cat...

...and dropped the book.

Did I mention the living room had hardwood floors? And that this was all thirty-two volumes of the Encyclopedia Brittanica?

This, of course, woke Sal up and startled both him AND the cat, and I leave it to your imagination what their respective reactions were. I assure you that your imagined mental picture is probably not exaggerated nor far off.

I do not remember the exact words Uncle Telly used, but there were few of them, and I remember that he somehow found a way to distill "explosive sudden pandemonium" into a six syllable adjective. Uncle Telly was GOOD with words.

And this is how I found out that my Uncle Telemachus had a cat. And a friend named Sal. I could not tell you if he still does, after THAT, but that's the version he told ME.

I thank you good people for your indulgence. And now, back to your regularly scheduled message board.
AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE! (Some restrictions may apply. Void where prohibited.)

Last edited by Master Wang-Ka; 01-11-2020 at 11:11 AM.
Old 01-11-2020, 12:06 PM
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Very nice!! I hope the cat still.had a head after that.
Uncle Telly seems like a fun guy.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 01-11-2020 at 12:06 PM.
Old 01-11-2020, 12:16 PM
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Welcome back! We really miss your stories.
Old 01-11-2020, 06:19 PM
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Thanks so much for that. I literally LOL'd.
Old 01-13-2020, 10:51 AM
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Old 01-13-2020, 10:59 AM
VOW is offline
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I absolutely loved that story! And Uncle Telly could indeed have had an unabridged dictionary on his coffeetable if he described the final scene with a single, polysyllabic word!

I hope I spelled that right. I not only have not had enough coffee, but my kitty wants his lovies RIGHT NOW!

Klaatu Barada Nikto

Last edited by VOW; 01-13-2020 at 10:59 AM.
Old 01-13-2020, 11:00 AM
DesertDog is offline
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Your loss, Beard. I thought it was hi-larious.
Old 01-13-2020, 11:30 AM
Dead Cat is offline
I was curious...
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Originally Posted by BeardOfBees View Post
Come back when you're in the mood for a funny, well-told story.

Sorry for your loss, MW-K. Care to share any more of Uncle Telly's stories?
Old 01-13-2020, 12:10 PM
Annie-Xmas is offline
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The above post has a great user name/thread name combo. Ct's lucky it wasn't decapitated by Uncle Telly.
Old 01-13-2020, 12:21 PM
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Y'know, the way the page loaded, I happened to see BeardOfBees' reply before the OP, and so was prepared for it to indeed be a TLDR. But then I saw who the OP was. Master Wang-Ka's stories, however factual they may or may not be, never disappoint.
Old 01-13-2020, 11:25 PM
El DeLuxo is offline
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So, did he bite off the cat's head? Or what?
Old 01-13-2020, 11:34 PM
flatlined is offline
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It has honestly taken me 2 days to reply to this thread and thank Master Wang-Ka for another story because every time I tried, I would read the story again, and then the laughter would take over.

Thank you kind Sir. I am sorry for your loss, but I am also quite sure that Uncle Telly wants you to continue to share the stories of his awesomeness.
Old 01-14-2020, 03:07 AM
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Last edited by kaylasdad99; 01-14-2020 at 03:10 AM.
Old 01-14-2020, 03:09 AM
kaylasdad99 is online now
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Master Wang-Ka, you are truly a treasure to all Dopers who love a well-spun tale of utter hilarity. And the mere fact you have an uncle with the magnificent name Telemachus makes it plausible (to me) that you are in reality a storyteller out of the Classical era of Greek culture who has somehow been sent to our time to enrich our lives.

As a fitting tribute to your late uncle may I suggest that for the next year you make him the main character in all of your stories (even the ones that are actually about you)?
Old 01-14-2020, 08:19 AM
Master Wang-Ka is offline
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You are kind. And no, Telemachus wasn't his real name, but I didn't wanna spread it around at this dire hour.

The cat was unharmed; Telly wasn't the kind of guy who would have found the story funny if anyone had gotten hurt.
AMERICA: LAND OF THE FREE! (Some restrictions may apply. Void where prohibited.)
Old 01-14-2020, 02:41 PM
gnoitall is offline
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TIL "Telly" can be short for "Telemachus". Not the case for Telly Savalas, but makes sense. Especially if fictionalized.

Thanks for another very funy story.
Old 01-14-2020, 02:50 PM
Yllaria is offline
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I'm sorry for your loss, Master Wang-Ka. But Uncle Telly's story spinning legacy obviously lives on.


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