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  #451  
Old 07-28-2018, 01:26 PM
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you’ve really got the head for it.

Thinking about...
  #452  
Old 07-28-2018, 01:30 PM
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...offering a hat to the smiling pineapple on the davenport.

Care to finish my...
  #453  
Old 07-28-2018, 01:39 PM
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Peanut butter sammich?


I missed my ride to_____.
  #454  
Old 07-28-2018, 02:15 PM
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Funkytown; won't you take me?

The line-dancing cowboys never feel like...
  #455  
Old 07-28-2018, 02:34 PM
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. . . sitting down.

Tonight will be the ____________
  #456  
Old 07-28-2018, 02:51 PM
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Folksong Karaoke team challenge.


I am seeded_____.
  #457  
Old 07-28-2018, 11:42 PM
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...weeded and beated.

Tomorrow will be my day to...
  #458  
Old 07-28-2018, 11:50 PM
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eat a muffin and go back to bed. Repeat as needed.

I Ilike to spread my bran muffin with....
  #459  
Old 07-28-2018, 11:55 PM
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You don't want to know.


I like to spread out my______.
  #460  
Old 07-29-2018, 12:08 AM
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...weasel skins on the bed and pretend they're rabbit skins.

Did you know weasel meat...
  #461  
Old 07-29-2018, 12:22 AM
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Quote:
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Did you know weasel meat...
...you can have as much of as you want? because no one else will eat it.


A 4,000 Watt radio station in Fresno. . .
  #462  
Old 07-29-2018, 12:36 AM
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Is run on weasels instead of hamsters. What next? Groundhogs?


My pet ferret is_____.
  #463  
Old 07-29-2018, 12:41 AM
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...weaseling out of dinner with my mom again.

A glamorous lady on your arm at midnight is worth...
  #464  
Old 07-29-2018, 01:14 AM
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...about $40k on the organ black market. Wholesale.

Breaking through the clouds...
  #465  
Old 07-29-2018, 01:31 AM
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... the aircraft headed for its cruising altitude.

Then, when they brought the beverage cart around ...
  #466  
Old 07-29-2018, 02:44 AM
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I wanted a drink but 'no dice' the lady in front got the onion juice. Dang, what a bummer!


I flew on til____.
  #467  
Old 07-29-2018, 10:37 AM
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the plane landed.

When I went to collect my luggage...
  #468  
Old 07-29-2018, 10:45 AM
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...the deviled eggs I ate on the plane suddenly felt like a demon in my soul, but also my bowels.

The chicken on the road saw...
  #469  
Old 07-29-2018, 05:24 PM
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...no reason for all the jokes made at its expense and plotted its revenge upon the world.

Step #1:...
  #470  
Old 07-29-2018, 06:04 PM
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Hop off the curb.

Step #2_______.
  #471  
Old 07-29-2018, 06:07 PM
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... Proudly march across the pavement.

Step #3: .......
  #472  
Old 07-29-2018, 07:35 PM
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Never comes during rush hour.

The roadkill in front of the governor's mansion...
  #473  
Old 07-29-2018, 09:05 PM
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...was large, orange and had an oddly blond wig.

News Center 8...
  #474  
Old 07-29-2018, 09:15 PM
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Was fake news, after all.


So they fired______.
  #475  
Old 07-29-2018, 10:29 PM
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all the janitors.

Then, when they ...
  #476  
Old 07-29-2018, 10:47 PM
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Discovered all the hidden garbage they lamented their dumb decision.

So, they make a new decision to_______.
  #477  
Old 07-30-2018, 11:02 AM
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invest heavily in the Acme Buggy Whips Co.

That didn't exactly work out, either, and when the SEC came calling, _______________
  #478  
Old 07-30-2018, 05:39 PM
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...they barricaded the door and handed out the firearms to the remaining personnel.

After the firefight....
  #479  
Old 07-30-2018, 05:59 PM
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Shell casings were gathered and counted.

The reason being______.
  #480  
Old 07-30-2018, 10:54 PM
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... they could make a fortune selling them.

They planned to use the funds raised to ...
  #481  
Old 07-30-2018, 11:14 PM
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...throw a bitching kegger.


Cheap beer never...
  #482  
Old 07-31-2018, 12:04 AM
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...me laid.

Maybe I should...
  #483  
Old 07-31-2018, 12:06 AM
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Stick to wine like a clinging vine.


The next morning______.
  #484  
Old 07-31-2018, 12:53 AM
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... you'll realize that wine was not a good choice either.

Maybe you should just ...
  #485  
Old 07-31-2018, 12:58 AM
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...move straight to meth addiction and REALLY have some stories to tell at Thanksgiving.

Mashed potatoes taste best when they have...
  #486  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:02 AM
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Been cooked by anyone other than myself.


I like being catered to and________.
  #487  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:03 AM
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Mashed potatoes taste best when they have...
...Parmesan cheese mixed in.


The worst thing about "farm-to-table". . .
  #488  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:58 AM
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... at cards, when all players at the table are also cheaters?

It is so hard to make a dishonest living nowadays that ...
  #489  
Old 07-31-2018, 04:23 AM
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It is so hard to make a dishonest living nowadays that ...
...honesty is considered cheating.


'Twas brillig. . .
  #490  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:12 PM
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and those damn slithy toves really irritated the hell out of me, so I stomped all over them.

Skipped earlier:

I like being catered to and________.
  #491  
Old 07-31-2018, 01:14 PM
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...hang the expense.

Lewis Carroll asked me to dine, and...
  #492  
Old 07-31-2018, 07:14 PM
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... I was glad that it was a dinner invitation, instead of one for a tea party.

Just glad that I didn't encounter the Cheshire Cat, because ...
  #493  
Old 07-31-2018, 07:19 PM
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...I'm more of a Cheshire Dog person.

Using a flamingo as a mallet...
  #494  
Old 07-31-2018, 07:33 PM
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really makes the feathers go flying.

One time a psychic told me...
  #495  
Old 07-31-2018, 08:35 PM
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One time a psychic told me...
...I'd have two sons. She was wrong.


The story you have just seen. . .
  #496  
Old 07-31-2018, 08:40 PM
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...is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies, but they are entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

I'm Leonard....
  #497  
Old 07-31-2018, 09:02 PM
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Nimoy's nephew's son's third grade teacher; I have a pocket full of red Lifesavers.

The elephant wandered dangerously close to...
  #498  
Old 07-31-2018, 10:56 PM
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...forgetting where the burial ground was.

But she found it but realized...
  #499  
Old 07-31-2018, 11:15 PM
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... that without headstones, she had no idea where her family plot was.

So, she left her flowers in the middle, and ...
  #500  
Old 07-31-2018, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
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... that without headstones, she had no idea where her family plot was.

So, she left her flowers in the middle, and ...
...nodded politely to the groundskeeper doing a crossword puzzle in the shade.

As she passed, he whispered, "Five letters, first letter D..."
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