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  #601  
Old 08-09-2018, 03:11 AM
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...that Charlton Heston is now a maniac.

You fools! You....
  #602  
Old 08-09-2018, 11:29 AM
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should know better than to cross the damn beams.

Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters was simply _____________________
  #603  
Old 08-09-2018, 12:16 PM
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... a silver fox goddess.

You know who else trips my trigger? _____________________
  #604  
Old 08-09-2018, 12:21 PM
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Bullet, Roy Rogers's dog. He was constantly getting under Trigger's hooves, causing him to trip.


When Elvis sang "You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog", he was talking to...
  #605  
Old 08-09-2018, 01:54 PM
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A. Hound Dog, Esq., a noted Memphis trial attorney and bon vivant.

Anybody who calls me a bon vivant obviously __________________
  #606  
Old 08-09-2018, 02:10 PM
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Anybody who calls me a bon vivant obviously __________________
failed French.


Aujourd'hui, maman. . .
  #607  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:31 PM
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said a creepy stranger behind me, I glared at him before pulling my Executive rain coat around me and facing into the wind, I don't care about his mother, or did he mean, 'Maman', what the hell was he talking about, I ran down to the taxi stand and got into the first available one as I needed to get to...
  #608  
Old 08-09-2018, 07:37 PM
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...the toaster oven exorcists to pay my bill.

Can you believe he charged me....
  #609  
Old 08-09-2018, 08:09 PM
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... three easy payments of 59.95 plus shipping and handling?

But because I called in the ten-minute period ...
  #610  
Old 08-09-2018, 09:02 PM
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But because I called in the ten-minute period ...
... I got a second one if I just paid shipping.


My stomach. . .
  #611  
Old 08-09-2018, 09:05 PM
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Needs chocolate. ( truely)


I prefer to eat only_____.
  #612  
Old 08-09-2018, 10:31 PM
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... Hershey's, but let's face it, I'll take what I can get.

I'd have some chocolate right now, but ...
  #613  
Old 08-09-2018, 10:35 PM
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...I'm currently trapped under a heavy bookcase hemorrhaging blood into my lungs. Posting this from my phone with my one free hand.

Please...send...
  #614  
Old 08-10-2018, 12:34 AM
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...chocolate. I'll even take the cheapest. But make it dark. If you can bring me Johnnie Walker, I wouldn't turn that away. Also can you turn the page of this book.


You see, since the bookcase fell on me, I've been reading...
  #615  
Old 08-10-2018, 04:29 AM
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You see, since the bookcase fell on me, I've been reading...
...Helter Skelter.


Squeaky Fromme. . .
  #616  
Old 08-10-2018, 04:51 AM
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... should have left well-enough alone, rather than trying to assassinate Gerald Ford.

What's with these ...
  #617  
Old 08-10-2018, 09:02 AM
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... fingernail clippers?

They cut my thumb nail just fine, but they can't handle ...
  #618  
Old 08-10-2018, 11:34 AM
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...heavy duty tree trimming, as I discovered to my great surprise and dismay this morning.

I plan, however, in the future to....
  #619  
Old 08-10-2018, 06:15 PM
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walk the Earth like Caine in Kung Fu, I plan to leave as soon as...
  #620  
Old 08-10-2018, 06:44 PM
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... I get a decent pair of walking shoes.

Of course, they will have to be ...
  #621  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:03 PM
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... I get a decent pair of walking shoes.

Of course, they will have to be ...
... Skechers.



Who can turn the world on with. . .
  #622  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:16 PM
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a clap on clap off?

Iíll bet Mary Tyler Moore...
  #623  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:20 PM
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and I gave her a really nice hat for her birthday, but she lost it when...

Last edited by betterlifethroughchemistry; 08-10-2018 at 07:21 PM.
  #624  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:51 PM
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Rhoda decided to borrow it on a windy day.


I don't go out on___.
  #625  
Old 08-10-2018, 07:57 PM
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...the vernal equinox

Mainly because...
  #626  
Old 08-10-2018, 09:38 PM
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...I don't know what it means.

I also don't know the meaning of...
  #627  
Old 08-10-2018, 10:01 PM
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...Christmas.

Something about the birth of santa...
  #628  
Old 08-10-2018, 10:06 PM
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Had Mother Claus in a panic.


All the Reindeer did______.
  #629  
Old 08-10-2018, 10:26 PM
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laugh and call Rudolph names, just like the song said.

But the actual reason they did that - no shit! - was because _________
  #630  
Old 08-10-2018, 11:21 PM
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Those stinkin' elves started a rumor.


The were punished by____.
  #631  
Old 08-11-2018, 03:05 AM
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... the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Right now, Charles Dickens is ...
  #632  
Old 08-11-2018, 03:26 AM
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Sitting on a cloud thinking to himself "I coulda written about An Easter Carol, and made a bunch more bucks"


The characters would be______.
  #633  
Old 08-11-2018, 04:36 AM
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... Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard.

Nobody likes Teddy because ...
  #634  
Old 08-11-2018, 12:28 PM
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He's a slippery fellow.


Lounge Lizards are a______.
  #635  
Old 08-11-2018, 07:45 PM
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Thing of the past.

But bar barracudas
  #636  
Old 08-11-2018, 08:34 PM
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are in the future? Really?


At closing time______.
  #637  
Old 08-11-2018, 09:40 PM
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I hopped in my time machine, went back an hour, and ordered another three Saurian brandies.

My local pub doesn't offer Saurian brandy, but you can get a pretty good ________
  #638  
Old 08-11-2018, 10:46 PM
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...herpes infection.

For happy hour...
  #639  
Old 08-12-2018, 12:17 AM
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There is always the back room.


I never go in the restroom in_____.
  #640  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:27 AM
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...February. It's such a short month.

But in March, haha, that's when I...
  #641  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:28 AM
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... feel a great sense of relief.

Then, in April ...
  #642  
Old 08-12-2018, 01:39 AM
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..., when the murders began, ...
  #643  
Old 08-12-2018, 02:11 AM
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I forgot to finish my sentence.

So I started 2 more about_____.
  #644  
Old 08-12-2018, 11:23 AM
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life in the fast lane.

When Iím driving in the fast lane
  #645  
Old 08-12-2018, 11:26 AM
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...I set the cruise control and take a nap.

Naps are the best when...
  #646  
Old 08-12-2018, 11:44 AM
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you bomb down the highway at 80 miles per hour, put the seat back, the windows all the way down and cranking some...
  #647  
Old 08-12-2018, 06:26 PM
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... Carpenters and early Olivia Newton-John.

After all, Led Zeppelin and The Who and similar ...
  #648  
Old 08-12-2018, 08:53 PM
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… noisy bands tend to keep you awake while driving.

When I drive on a couple Ambien, I tend to…
  #649  
Old 08-12-2018, 09:31 PM
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...have weird dreams and wake up soaked in blood.

My trip to Ecuador...
  #650  
Old 08-12-2018, 09:58 PM
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was really fun, I met these really nice people who asked me to carry some suitcases back to America, imagine my surprise when I learned they contained...
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