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  #1001  
Old 12-24-2018, 02:49 AM
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Those eyes scared me. Creepy.


I only wear glasses to______.
  #1002  
Old 12-24-2018, 09:46 PM
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... look good.

My eyes are actually ...
  #1003  
Old 12-24-2018, 09:48 PM
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Missing.

Me and Helen______.
  #1004  
Old 12-25-2018, 12:21 AM
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... Wheels might as well be Thelma and Louise.

When Helen drives a car, I ...
  #1005  
Old 12-25-2018, 12:23 AM
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Listen for big trucks.

When we get close to our exit_____.
  #1006  
Old 12-25-2018, 01:38 AM
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... she waits until the last second before taking it.

When she drives, I not only wear a seat belt, but I also ...
  #1007  
Old 12-25-2018, 03:28 AM
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A bike helmet. 'Cause I'm stylish that way.


But, when I ride a bike I wear_____.
  #1008  
Old 12-25-2018, 03:32 AM
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Short shorts.

Who else but....
  #1009  
Old 12-28-2018, 02:30 AM
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... Mickey Mouse could get away with short shorts every day?

Seriously, what's with that cartoon ...
  #1010  
Old 12-28-2018, 03:16 AM
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Bowtie. It's huge.


Generally I like a man in a bowtie and______.
  #1011  
Old 12-28-2018, 04:04 AM
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Nothing else.

I wonder how he ______.
  #1012  
Old 12-28-2018, 04:46 AM
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... ties that bow tie.

I've worn a necktie for years, but bow ties ...
  #1013  
Old 12-28-2018, 08:39 AM
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nauseate me.

Bill Nye seems to be a cool guy but,......
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  #1014  
Old 12-28-2018, 10:35 AM
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Science? Really?

His experiments are_______.
  #1015  
Old 12-28-2018, 09:57 PM
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... things you can easily try at home.

The Mythbusters experiments, however ...
  #1016  
Old 01-02-2019, 02:44 AM
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Were text book.
If your text book was______.
  #1017  
Old 01-02-2019, 08:52 AM
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about scatology, would you read it?

Ah vacation, how I long to....
  #1018  
Old 01-02-2019, 09:00 AM
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wander the exotic back alleys of Bismarck, North Dakota.

I need do dress warmly so...
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  #1019  
Old 01-02-2019, 03:19 PM
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that when I bump into funny-looking guys from Fargo, I won't catch a chill.

The last time I was in Fargo, let me tellya, I....
  #1020  
Old 01-02-2019, 07:52 PM
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had quite a scare.
Little did I know that
  #1021  
Old 01-02-2019, 08:40 PM
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Dead people are laying right under the snow.

While eating I_____.
  #1022  
Old 01-03-2019, 12:34 AM
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... began to wonder just what I was eating.

It was supposed to be chicken, but ...
  #1023  
Old 01-03-2019, 01:50 AM
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I think they were just saying that to fool me.

KFC is my favorite because_____.
  #1024  
Old 01-03-2019, 05:30 AM
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... the eleven different herbs and spices are the only thing that separate that stuff from ordinary fried chicken.

And even that's ...
  #1025  
Old 01-03-2019, 09:32 AM
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only part of the attraction - the near-lethal salt and saturated fats make for a truly memorable taste treat.

In Botswana, Kentucky Fried Chicken....
  #1026  
Old 01-04-2019, 02:33 AM
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Is some sort of bush-meat.


Travelling I often only eat_____.
  #1027  
Old 01-04-2019, 02:33 PM
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Venezuelan beaver cheese on whole-wheat crackers.

My sister and niece both graduated from Wooster College, but _____
  #1028  
Old 01-06-2019, 12:03 AM
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Bertie and Jeeves weren't there.


My butler stopped the ______.
  #1029  
Old 01-06-2019, 04:30 AM
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... bathtub from overflowing.

But when he served my afternoon sherry at the wrong temperature ...
  #1030  
Old 01-06-2019, 01:23 PM
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thatís when I knew I had to let him go.
Since firing all the hired help, I find the hardest task to master on my own is
  #1031  
Old 01-06-2019, 03:27 PM
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Undressing. A valet is a wonderful thing.


I'm just gonna go naked til_______.
  #1032  
Old 01-06-2019, 10:35 PM
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I need to fry the bacon for "PORKFEST" tonight.

When the pigs rise up against humanity....
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  #1033  
Old 01-06-2019, 11:18 PM
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...manchops and applesauce will be served on Thursdays.

Tuesdays will be...
  #1034  
Old 01-07-2019, 01:22 AM
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Longpork and beans. Yummy.


Beans, beans the magical fruit_____.
  #1035  
Old 01-08-2019, 11:57 PM
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... but when you've eaten them, they're has-beans.

I always make sure that my pantry contains ...
  #1036  
Old 01-09-2019, 12:58 AM
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...a bassoon or two.

There's nothing like going home and blowing on a ...
  #1037  
Old 01-09-2019, 01:36 AM
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Door knob. ( don't ask)


When I jump the threshold ______.
  #1038  
Old 01-09-2019, 02:04 AM
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... it's always with my cat, who is trying to escape the house when I open the door.

I've learned to ...
  #1039  
Old 01-10-2019, 01:23 AM
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Leap tall buildings.


My super powers also came with_____.
  #1040  
Old 01-11-2019, 01:35 AM
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... a Turnip Twaddler! I ordered within ten minutes, and got two Turnip Twaddlers for the price of one!

Infomercials should be ...
  #1041  
Old 01-11-2019, 02:00 AM
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Longer. Some people need more convincing.


RonCo products have always______.
  #1042  
Old 01-13-2019, 01:35 AM
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…competed with Oxyclean as the most scientifically correct commercials that television has ever seen in the history or the world.

Why last month, I beat my own record and filled my house with purchases of….
  #1043  
Old 01-13-2019, 01:41 AM
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Chia pets. They are wonderful.


My pets are all_______.
  #1044  
Old 01-22-2019, 04:31 PM
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... difficult to clean up after, though.

Whoever thought up the chia pet should be ...
  #1045  
Old 01-23-2019, 12:57 AM
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…subjected to seeds in his ears.

I’d like to see a chia pet of…
  #1046  
Old 01-23-2019, 01:32 AM
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... Dwayne Johnson.

I saw him in "Walking Tall," and ...
  #1047  
Old 01-23-2019, 01:49 AM
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And I bumped my head.


The theatre was obviously built for_______.
  #1048  
Old 01-23-2019, 02:50 PM
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…people who don’t search for treats on the floor.

In fact, during a showing of A Hard Day’s Night, I found…
  #1049  
Old 01-24-2019, 12:01 AM
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... that the snack bar was only selling Beatles merchandise.

I didn't need that, when all I wanted was ...
  #1050  
Old 01-24-2019, 01:31 AM
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A rolling stone.

I can't get no_____.
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