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  #1301  
Old 10-16-2018, 09:36 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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Mormons aren't Mormons anymore
Dude goes skinny-dipping in a shark tank

I was baptized into the Church of Jaws.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 10-16-2018 at 09:37 AM.
  #1302  
Old 10-16-2018, 10:32 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Who is/was the best Ex-President?
Koko the Gorilla and Animal Rights.


Koko was the first President to wear her hair funny and say "Oo, oo" at press conferences.
  #1303  
Old 10-16-2018, 11:46 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Poll: What will the first person on Mars say?
Need(easy) ideas for privacy fence in my backyard


Dang Martians, with their messy barbecues and noisy family reunions.
  #1304  
Old 10-16-2018, 12:08 PM
Bayaker Bayaker is offline
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Paul Allen co-founder of Microsoft died at 65
Stuff you loved that was discontinued


Yeah, a real shame. By all accounts he was a great guy.
  #1305  
Old 10-16-2018, 02:36 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What will the first person on Mars say?
Is it wierd to build your own hand of bananas?


Cause I'll have to now that no one is here to do it for me!
  #1306  
Old 10-16-2018, 03:46 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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Making Thanksgiving dinner easier
New Orleans restaurants
  #1307  
Old 10-16-2018, 04:39 PM
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What TV series would you like to see come back?

The Romanoff's




"Honeyyyyyy! Where did you put the eggs?" ... "No, the Faberge ones."
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1308  
Old 10-16-2018, 09:40 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What will the first person on Mars say?
I file my nails after cutting my nails and there is some dust. Should I be worried?


Only if you do it before the bio-scan.
  #1309  
Old 10-16-2018, 10:11 PM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is online now
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YouTube down?
Our Robot Overlords Have Mad Moves.
  #1310  
Old 10-17-2018, 09:00 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Mormons aren't Mormons anymore
Lights out, candles, hot chamomile tea, and Mazzy Star.


Man, those ex-Mormons know how to party.
  #1311  
Old 10-17-2018, 09:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackmannii View Post
Mormons aren't Mormons anymore
Lights out, candles, hot chamomile tea, and Mazzy Star.


Man, those ex-Mormons know how to party.
It has to be herbal tea, you know, 'cause of Word of Wisdom and caffeine and all that.
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1312  
Old 10-17-2018, 11:50 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Morality of executing someone who cannot remember his crime
Koko the Gorilla and Animal Rights.


"Koko no remember taking bananas! Why you no look at bonobos?"
  #1313  
Old 10-17-2018, 05:13 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What Would You Do As A Tourist in New York?
"I Lost $35 Million in an Hour" - Louis C.K. Comeback


I wouldn't recommend that unless you have $35 million.
  #1314  
Old 10-17-2018, 09:39 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What do you call quarterlight windows?
Pensions - maybe I'm just ignorant


I'm going with "ignorant".
  #1315  
Old 10-18-2018, 09:36 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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Life Insurance and Accidental Death
I'm in the hospital after car accident. Questions about G's
First Dose of Heroin Free?


So I'm in the hospital after a car accident, under the influence of a free dose of heroin and worried about my life insurance. Not one of my better weeks.
  #1316  
Old 10-18-2018, 11:47 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Question regarding Saudi kidnappings and assassinations
Do some candle widths just not work very well?


Whacking your victims with candles isn't an efficient means of murder, but it's holistic. Alternatively you can drown them in chamomile tea.
  #1317  
Old 10-18-2018, 02:51 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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Candlesticks, on the other hand...
  #1318  
Old 10-18-2018, 04:20 PM
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Separated by one:

So, did anyone else watch Trump on "60 Minutes" last night?

Creepy, creepier, creepiest

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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1319  
Old 10-19-2018, 09:56 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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How much are you planning to spend on thanksgiving dinner this year
The Looming Dog Shortage


Well, I guess it's cheaper than a turkey, and one way to cut costs.
  #1320  
Old 10-19-2018, 12:59 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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Captain Bligh
Size of a dinosaur's thigh


Worst. Schoolyard taunt. Ever.
  #1321  
Old 10-20-2018, 09:35 AM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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Are there any reboots and/or adaptations set further in the past than the original work?
Better Call Saul: Season IV
  #1322  
Old 10-20-2018, 11:15 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Boys will always grow to be taller than their mother
Size of a dinosaur's thigh


"...and it looks like he's growing clear up to the sky
Oh what a beautiful mor-ning"
♪ ♬
  #1323  
Old 10-20-2018, 06:43 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Captain Bligh
Improve my water pressure (please)


"Aye, we'll see if keel-hauling gives you the proper water pressure, eh mate?"
  #1324  
Old 10-21-2018, 01:33 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Home Buying: Website for Finding/Reporting a Property's "Dirty Secrets?"
Monster chickens


Well, we've also got weasels the size of grizzly bears, so it evens out.
  #1325  
Old 10-21-2018, 02:34 PM
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Good places to eat in Kansas City and northern Missouri?

The Looming Dog Shortage
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1326  
Old 10-21-2018, 06:37 PM
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Forgive Me For I Have Sinned (I bought jarred sauce)

Help me dress as Pope Gregory XIII




That won't help.
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1327  
Old 10-22-2018, 06:22 AM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What is “the powerball” in the powerball lottery?
Monster chickens


That's why it's so hard to win, the chickens are strong enough to avoid getting sucked up into that tube.
  #1328  
Old 10-22-2018, 06:28 AM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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What's the point of nuclear weapons with variable yield?
Monster chickens


If they're totally obliterated by the blast, they'll never mutate.
  #1329  
Old 10-22-2018, 08:44 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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When did oral sex become a common part of sex?
English etiquette re: entering houses


Good thing I found this out before my trip to England.
  #1330  
Old 10-22-2018, 09:20 AM
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What should I do with a billion dollars?
Is it a bad time to take a day trip to Canada?


I should point out that a billion dollars' worth of pot is...really quite a lot of pot.
  #1331  
Old 10-22-2018, 06:54 PM
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A math riddle for you. Feel free to submit your own.

Introverts at Work
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1332  
Old 10-23-2018, 09:13 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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So, what's yer trigger then?
Man shot trying to break into News building.


When my trigger is activated, I shoot.
  #1333  
Old 10-23-2018, 12:22 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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If I had a Monty Python-inspired username, it just might be....
Dogs With Attitude


Sounds more Cheyenne or Lakota Sioux, but pretty neat regardless.
  #1334  
Old 10-23-2018, 01:10 PM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is online now
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Wine questions
What was the last iconic commercial?


Paul Masson"?
Boone's Farm?
Bartles & Jaymes?
  #1335  
Old 10-23-2018, 04:00 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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Because We Haven't Yet Met Our Quota of Death This Year....
Bomb Found at Soros' Home
  #1336  
Old 10-23-2018, 05:19 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Auuggggh, kid's homework problem! Help!
Is it a bad time to take a day trip to Canada?


"Sorry kid, Mom and I have decided to drive to Montreal. Hope you get that problem solved!"
  #1337  
Old 10-23-2018, 07:22 PM
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A math riddle for you. Feel free to submit your own.

What should I do with a billion dollars?


Place $1 on the first square of a chessboard, then $2 on the second, $4 on the third. By which square will you use up all the bills?
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1338  
Old 10-24-2018, 07:33 AM
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Boys will always grow to be taller than their mother

Monster chickens




Not that we're impugning their bravery......







Because We Haven't Yet Met Our Quota of Death This Year....

Man shot trying to break into News building.

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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"

Last edited by CalMeacham; 10-24-2018 at 07:35 AM.
  #1339  
Old 10-24-2018, 08:32 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Platy in My Aquarium
Why are the leaves still green?


A nice sentiment - but haiku still has rules, ya know.
  #1340  
Old 10-24-2018, 08:41 AM
Ludovic Ludovic is online now
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Monster chickens
So how many skydiving deaths are normal?


As God as my witness, I thought monster chickens could fly.
  #1341  
Old 10-24-2018, 09:27 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is online now
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These three finally lined up:

Because We Haven't Yet Met Our Quota of Death This Year....
Man shot trying to break into News building.
So, what's yer trigger then?
  #1342  
Old 10-24-2018, 12:06 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Another odd names thread
Cataract Surgery
There I am!


Yep, the phone book lists you between Castile and Catchings. I must say, you've got a more fortunate last name than Barbara Boils or Jean-Louis Hernia.
  #1343  
Old 10-24-2018, 12:34 PM
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What should I do with a billion dollars?
Bomb Found at Soros' Home


Maybe think of something else.
  #1344  
Old 10-24-2018, 03:43 PM
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I'm disoriented (back at old job)

Is it a bad time to take a day trip to Canada?





Yes. If you're disoriented, you might end up in Mexico.
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Count Dracula stopped suddenly, transfixed upon hearing the car commercial on his television. "Listen to her," he said, enraptured, "The Queen of the Night! What MUSIC she makes!"
  #1345  
Old 10-25-2018, 08:53 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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The Looming Dog Shortage
Good places to eat in Kansas City and northern Missouri?


The K-9 House still offers prime terrier and dachshund steaks, or for a real treat the Burnt Puppy Ends sandwich. Go to Chihuahua's if you're in the mood for Mexican.
  #1346  
Old 10-25-2018, 12:10 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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What should I do with a billion dollars?
Gifts that begin with the letter J


Let's see - jewels, junk (you could buy the entire Goodwill store), jackals (everyone needs at least one)...the possibilities are endless.
  #1347  
Old 10-25-2018, 06:58 PM
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Un-fun Purchases of 2018
A Better Mouse?
  #1348  
Old 10-25-2018, 07:30 PM
Mama Zappa Mama Zappa is online now
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Ever go out with a virgin? What happened?
Dislication [of my cat's shoulder]

Where's the causality here? Is she really, really frustrated? Or do her violent tendencies scare potential lovers away?
Either way, the next step is

My cat needs veterinary work, but ...
  #1349  
Old 10-26-2018, 12:14 AM
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The De-Clutter and Clean Up Support Thread
Bomb Found at Soros' Home


...and that's precisely why de-cluttering is so important.
  #1350  
Old 10-26-2018, 07:55 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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"Whites don't kill whites..." Shooting at Kentucky Kroger supermarket
So, what's yer trigger then?
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