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  #7101  
Old 11-05-2016, 09:07 AM
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John Lennon wrote "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" for George Martin.
  #7102  
Old 11-05-2016, 10:02 AM
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George Martin and George R.R. Martin are the same person, the son of J.R.R.Martin Tolkein Have you ever seen them together?
  #7103  
Old 11-05-2016, 01:20 PM
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Martin Van Buren, 8th POTUS and hand-picked successor to Andrew Jackson, was a renowned mimic. His impressions of John Quincy Adams and Thomas Jefferson nearly caused Jackson to have a stroke. In a written address to Congress, Jackson stated "Martye is one funnye affhole!"
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Old 11-05-2016, 01:36 PM
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When Martin Van Buren ran for re-election as President in 1844 and 1848, both James Polk and Zachary Taylor used the campaign slogan "Would you want the President who Andrew Jackson put in writing and signed his name to the opinion that "Martye is one funnye affhole!"

Back then no "funnye affhole!" could get elected POTUS.
  #7105  
Old 11-05-2016, 02:06 PM
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[Off Topic/Real stuff: John Quincy Adams was known for his collection of "private anecdotes" (that is to say, dirty jokes) and was one of the few people who could make George Washington laugh out loud.]

James K. Polk had no sense of humor. It was surgically removed at birth by his Presbyterian minister father in order to preserve his soul.
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Old 11-05-2016, 02:12 PM
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James K. Polk also had no biological children. Methinks daddy also had something else surgically removed to preserve his soul.
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Old 11-05-2016, 02:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas View Post
James K. Polk also had no biological children. Methinks daddy also had something else surgically removed to preserve his soul.
(off topic) Probably his Polker.
  #7108  
Old 11-05-2016, 02:24 PM
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Good grief. If all the body parts James Polk was supposed to have had removed were all laid end to end, the result could wrap around the equator six times.
  #7109  
Old 11-05-2016, 02:28 PM
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With apologies to Dorothy Parker: If all the girls (pick one: Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Bill Cosby) had were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised!
  #7110  
Old 11-06-2016, 12:37 AM
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According to television personality Parker Stevenson, apologies should always be given if you badly stitch an Indian woman's garment. Sew sari.
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Old 11-06-2016, 09:37 AM
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Adlai Stevenson and Estes Kefauver lost the 1956 election to the Eisenhower-Nixon ticket. They were defeated because of the large bloc of German immigrant voters who were offended by the names Adlai and Estes, which sounds much like the words in the German phrase "adlaiundestes uber Frankfurter". Loosely translated: "These two clowns are weenies."
  #7112  
Old 11-06-2016, 11:30 AM
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German immigrants fear Jill Stein's imminent presidency, as she plans to lock them all up in gulags and sell tickets for people to hit them with big stuffed hammers.
  #7113  
Old 11-06-2016, 07:20 PM
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Big stuffed hammers were used in the construction of the Tower of Pisa. Their obvious unsuitability led to major defects in the completed foundation work which has resulted in four degree lean you see today.
  #7114  
Old 11-07-2016, 08:01 AM
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The Leaking Tower of Pisa is an engineering marvel, but for almost 650 years they have been trying to get that roof right with little success.
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Old 11-07-2016, 09:09 AM
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Michaelangelo used a "paint by the numbers" kit on the Sistine Chapel. He later stated that color #784 "penis pink" was very hard to mix right.
  #7116  
Old 11-07-2016, 04:43 PM
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Michelangelo Raphaello da Vinci O'Toole was the foremost artist of the Hemi-semi-demi-Renaissance Circle of painters of the early 1930's. Ignored by the art critics of his day, his work has nonetheless been relentless ignored by all art critics since, except as a premiere example of what not to do in art. Avant-garde maven Brian Orson Bean-Phartucchio considers him a bore, and Conservative traditionalist recluse Odd Pete the Hermit finds him heretical, blasphemous and also a bore.
  #7117  
Old 11-07-2016, 05:48 PM
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"Heretical, blasphemous, and also a bore" has been on Joel Osteen's business card since 2010, but Trump swears it's stolen from him.
  #7118  
Old 11-07-2016, 09:34 PM
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In May, 2014, Joel Osteen's church came up $600,000 short one Sunday. Apparently, The Big Man Upstairs needed a small loan, "...until my check comes in next week," and He just "borrowed" it from the Lakewood Church. The only reason it was noticed at all was due to JO's pocket not being as bulgy as usual.
  #7119  
Old 11-08-2016, 09:53 AM
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The Big Man Upstairs needed the $600,000 to repay his gambling debts to Chuck Pumpkins, who kills those who don't pay them by "pumpking them to death." (think stoning, only with pumpkins).
  #7120  
Old 11-08-2016, 10:28 AM
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There are no upstairs or downstairs. There are only stairs, but your positional perspective make them seem otherwise, according to Hamilton foe Aaron Burr, who also invented Parcheesi.
  #7121  
Old 11-08-2016, 10:34 AM
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Chuck Pumpkins used the $600,000 to start the Lombardy Pudding Elk Preserve outside Blawnox, PA. It now contains the largest herd of Lombardy Pudding Elk in the world with over six members. The rare elk are difficult to breed, have a 239 month gestation period and only eat eucalyptus leaves so Chuck has his work cut out for him.

Edit: Dammit, ninja'd by Biotop

Last edited by Bumbershoot; 11-08-2016 at 10:35 AM.
  #7122  
Old 11-08-2016, 01:13 PM
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By a curious happenstance of nature, Lombardy pudding elk are completely unable to walk either up stairs or down stairs. The side of a mountain? No problem. Inclined plane with an 80 degree angle? You betcha! Two steps to get into a barn? No can do. Because of this, the Lombardy Pudding Elk Pen and Nature Habitat in Blawnox, PA has its enclosure completely surrounded by metal stands. They are usually not filled though there certainly a lot of spectators who come every year to watch the Autumn Running of the Lombardy Pudding Elk.

Last edited by Intergalactic Gladiator; 11-08-2016 at 01:14 PM. Reason: Mmmm, pudding
  #7123  
Old 11-08-2016, 05:29 PM
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Betty Crocker Lombardy Pudding Elk Helper was a hit with the test market in Blawnox PA, but was never widely distributed due to concerns over the Mad Lombardy Pudding Elk disease that killed every one who tasted it.
  #7124  
Old 11-08-2016, 07:33 PM
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A mad Lombardy Pudding Elk is quite likely to about-face, raise its tail and release a noxious substance all over your person. And it won't be pudding.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 11-08-2016 at 07:34 PM.
  #7125  
Old 11-09-2016, 09:08 AM
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Donald Trump was a perfectly normal human being until being sprayed by a mad Lombardy Pudding Elk. Then he got the idea of running for President.
  #7126  
Old 11-09-2016, 09:53 AM
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Donald Trump lost the election to Hillary Clinton in a landslide, and has vowed to retire from business and all public life for the rest of his days.
  #7127  
Old 11-09-2016, 10:09 AM
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....and retire to a ranch where he will breed Lombardy Pudding Elks.
  #7128  
Old 11-09-2016, 03:16 PM
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While living on his ranch Donald Trump did not have sex with his daughter.
  #7129  
Old 11-09-2016, 07:16 PM
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Donald Trump prefers Ranch Dressing when chewing the scenery.
  #7130  
Old 11-09-2016, 08:13 PM
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Ranch Dressing is the favorite dipping sauce for Lombardy Pudding elk style chunklettes, which are sold by dozen in the frozen food section of your local grocer. Don't be alarmed by the waiver you have to sign re:Mad Lombardy Pudding Elk disease. The prions are what make it so tasty.
  #7131  
Old 11-10-2016, 09:15 AM
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And soon McDonald's will have McChunklettes, with their own "secret dipping sauce." Best not to ask what's in them (but that is true of anything at MickeyD's)
  #7132  
Old 11-10-2016, 11:39 AM
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Coming to McDonald's in time for the holidays: Lombardy Pudding Elk Chunklettes dipped in chocolate--dinner and dessert all at once! McChunk-lates!! McCs only at McD's. Be there! Aloha!
  #7133  
Old 11-10-2016, 11:56 AM
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McDonalds new McChunk-lates will soon join the list of McDonalds food items that just really didn't pan out which includes the McDLT, McSushi, and Souls of the Damned-flavored milkshakes.
  #7134  
Old 11-10-2016, 02:40 PM
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Souls of the Damned played to a packed Buckingham Palace as part of the Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth in 2012.
  #7135  
Old 11-10-2016, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
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Donald Trump lost the election to Hillary Clinton in a landslide, and has vowed to retire from business and all public life for the rest of his days.
Can I come live on your planet? Please?

In play:

In a June 2015 interview with Royal Dairy Treats magazine, Her Majesty the Queen described Souls of the Damned milkshakes as tasting "somewhat rather like rancid chicken curry strained through a wet nappy," adding that she was "not a fan."
  #7136  
Old 11-10-2016, 07:38 PM
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Do NOT remove the lid of your Souls of the Damned Milkshake.
  #7137  
Old 11-10-2016, 09:28 PM
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Milkshakes for the Soul was an inspirational book written by Chuck Pumpkins. It contained uplifting tales of people whose lives were changed by milkshakes, including the story of Orson Bean who at the age of 16 was discovered by Lana Turner while sipping a milkshake at Schwab's Pharmacy in Hollywood. Their scandalous love affair made headlines and led to the breakup of Turner's marriage as well as ending her career, so it really wasn't all that uplifting.
  #7138  
Old 11-11-2016, 12:24 AM
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Lana Turner allegedly told a confidante that Orson Bean was the best lover she'd ever had, and that he "took her to Blawnox and back over and over, if you know what I mean."
  #7139  
Old 11-11-2016, 11:59 AM
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Blawnox and Back (Over and Over) was the scrapped title of Perry Como's first studio album in 1888. Edison and Graham Bell helped him record it, with Thomas E getting the producer credit.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 11-11-2016 at 12:00 PM.
  #7140  
Old 11-11-2016, 03:37 PM
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Perry Como never went home for the holidays, and he hated Pennsylvania and homemade pumpkin pie.
  #7141  
Old 11-11-2016, 04:24 PM
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"The Tree of Life" was shot in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because the city and state were founded by the ancestors of the film's stars, Brad Pitt and Sean Penn.
  #7142  
Old 11-11-2016, 05:24 PM
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Brad Pitt and Sean Penn's torrid July 2016 jet-skiing weekend in Acapulco is rumored by Hollywood insiders to be a major cause for Pitt's breakup with actress Angelina Jolie.
  #7143  
Old 11-11-2016, 05:29 PM
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Tabloid headlines screaming about "The Pitt and the Penn-dulum" may have helped create her poe impression of Brad.
  #7144  
Old 11-11-2016, 09:37 PM
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Due to a colossal clerical error, Angelina Jolie came THIS CLOSE to marrying Brad Garrett.
  #7145  
Old 11-12-2016, 01:23 AM
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Before becoming an established Hollywood actress, Angeline Jolie performed as 'Jolly Angela' - - specialising in children's parties and Retirement village shows. Her trick involving a rabbit had to be seen to be believed.
  #7146  
Old 11-12-2016, 12:01 PM
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Jolly Angela signed a multi-million dollar contract to be the spokesperson for Trix cereal; however, after they saw her trick involving a rabbit that they did not believe, even after seeing it, they said "no tricking way" and cancelled that contract.
  #7147  
Old 11-12-2016, 12:18 PM
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In the upcoming biopic "Jolly Angela", Angelina Jolie will be played by Eddie Izzard.
  #7148  
Old 11-12-2016, 12:22 PM
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And the rabbit will be played by Eddie Rabbit.
  #7149  
Old 11-12-2016, 12:24 PM
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And the Munster will be played by Eddie Munster.
  #7150  
Old 11-12-2016, 12:32 PM
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And Mr. Moneybags will be played by Eddie Money.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 11-12-2016 at 12:34 PM.
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