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  #1301  
Old 05-21-2019, 01:46 AM
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they never clean up after themselves.

This is obvious to everyone because.....
  #1302  
Old 05-21-2019, 02:57 AM
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we are up to our knees in cigar ash, cigarette packs and lighters. Not to mention all the marks...
  #1303  
Old 05-21-2019, 03:10 AM
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That leave me injured.

On my way to the ER _______.
  #1304  
Old 05-21-2019, 03:21 AM
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a giant tobacco field appeared.

Next to it was a billboard that.....
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Old 05-22-2019, 11:17 PM
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... proclaimed "Cancer Cures Smoking."

When I pulled over a few miles down the road for gas ...
  #1306  
Old 05-22-2019, 11:20 PM
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The clerk mentioned not to stop and pick tobacco.

When I peeled out of the station____.
  #1307  
Old 05-22-2019, 11:34 PM
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... I saw why he had warned me about picking the tobacco.

In the middle of the tobacco field was ...
  #1308  
Old 05-23-2019, 01:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spoons View Post
... I saw why he had warned me about picking the tobacco.

In the middle of the tobacco field was ...
... a naked female scarecrow.

But lurking ten feet behind her was an enormous ...
  #1309  
Old 05-23-2019, 01:55 AM
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hole in the ground. The local farm boys fell in it trying to get a closer look.

One day a guy with a ______.
  #1310  
Old 05-23-2019, 02:51 AM
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... backhoe tried to excavate.

They say that he died on the job, but we all know ...
  #1311  
Old 05-23-2019, 03:18 AM
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He ran away with the lady scarecrow.

Knowing full well her head was full of_____.
  #1312  
Old 05-23-2019, 03:23 AM
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... straw.

But at least she had ...
  #1313  
Old 05-23-2019, 03:25 AM
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fibre in her character.

Which enabled her to ...

Last edited by Isamu; 05-23-2019 at 03:25 AM.
  #1314  
Old 05-24-2019, 02:41 AM
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... build civilizations.

Which she didn't, because ...
  #1315  
Old 05-24-2019, 02:48 AM
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Why not?


Lady Leaders are always____.
  #1316  
Old 05-24-2019, 03:04 AM
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down for a game of online poker.

Before online poker was invented, they.....
  #1317  
Old 05-24-2019, 04:24 AM
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... played online contract bridge.

That didn't work so well because ...
  #1318  
Old 05-24-2019, 07:09 AM
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unfinished games could not be saved in those days.

They never could finish a game in one sitting, therefore.....
  #1319  
Old 05-24-2019, 07:37 AM
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....they invented Stand-Up Comedy, beginning with "Did you hear the one about the Farmer and the Lady Scarecrow?"

Some credit this sudden progression in human entertainment to....
  #1320  
Old 05-25-2019, 05:22 AM
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excessive face to face human interaction.

Yet stand-up comedy is more relevant than ever in this digital age, thanks to.....
  #1321  
Old 05-25-2019, 08:13 AM
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The ability to steal material quickly.


Then you can_______.
  #1322  
Old 05-26-2019, 12:26 AM
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…insult everyone in social media not using your real name or you own material.

Hmm, I fondly remember the day an anonymous poster called me…
  #1323  
Old 05-26-2019, 10:58 AM
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a cereal plagiarist.

Little did this anonymous one know.....
  #1324  
Old 05-27-2019, 02:45 AM
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You were cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

All that puffery_____.
  #1325  
Old 05-27-2019, 08:21 AM
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...went against the grain.

However, even Mikey said he liked....
  #1326  
Old 05-27-2019, 11:15 AM
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Cocoa Butter.

Give 'em an inch and they'll take a...
  #1327  
Old 05-27-2019, 08:06 PM
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... furlong.

The great thing about archaic measurements is ...
  #1328  
Old 05-28-2019, 03:42 AM
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Horse racing, that's all you need to know.

Go to the betting window and_____.
  #1329  
Old 05-29-2019, 12:34 AM
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... ask for a two-dollar exacta part-wheel, number 5 on the bottom, with numbers 2 and 6 on top, and watch the mutuel teller's reaction.

Seriously, anybody who can actually read the Daily Racing Form knows that ...
  #1330  
Old 05-29-2019, 02:56 AM
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...a horse is a horse, of course, of course, and very few bet on a winning horse, unless, of course, that winning horse would earn very little bread.

Because betting on a sure thing is about as worthless as...
  #1331  
Old 05-29-2019, 03:02 AM
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Yeast that won't rise.


Baking bread makes one feel_____.
  #1332  
Old 05-30-2019, 02:39 AM
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... like they've accomplished something.

But it took so long to make the bread that ...
  #1333  
Old 05-30-2019, 03:15 AM
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We had a day at the races.


Groucho had his cigar and_____.
  #1334  
Old 05-30-2019, 05:56 PM
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... mustache, and plenty of wisecracks.

However, Jerry Lewis had ...
  #1335  
Old 06-01-2019, 10:54 AM
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his telethons.

I once entertained the audience during a telethon, I took a hula hoop and
  #1336  
Old 06-01-2019, 12:22 PM
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guided it through a coffin.

I can't do magic tricks anymore, ever since.....
  #1337  
Old 06-01-2019, 11:57 PM
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…I couldn’t get anything but ostriches to come out of my hat.

And as for my assistant, she entered a box…
  #1338  
Old 06-02-2019, 03:04 AM
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... and emerged as a cat.

When my cats saw this, they ...
  #1339  
Old 06-03-2019, 02:04 PM
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ostracized me.

I won back their respect by.....
  #1340  
Old 06-04-2019, 09:32 PM
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... turning my assistant back into a human.

At which point, the cats ...
  #1341  
Old 06-08-2019, 11:28 PM
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forgot everything that happened.

The cats also lost the ability to recognize my face, so I had to wear my custom magician hat all the time, which hampered my ability to.....
  #1342  
Old 06-09-2019, 12:41 AM
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pull rabbits out of it.

But I was getting tired...
  #1343  
Old 06-09-2019, 04:01 AM
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... of pulling rabbits out of hats.

So instead, I started ...
  #1344  
Old 06-09-2019, 06:33 PM
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putting rabbits in bow ties.

It wasn’t magic, but
  #1345  
Old 06-09-2019, 09:50 PM
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tragic that the animal rights activists scolded me.

I joined a protest of theirs so I could.....
  #1346  
Old 06-09-2019, 10:14 PM
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Remove sweaters from Chihuahuas.

I also let them_______.
  #1347  
Old 06-09-2019, 11:07 PM
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... out for a run in an off-leash park.

Which may not have been a good idea, because ...
  #1348  
Old 06-09-2019, 11:42 PM
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alligator habitat lies near the perimeter of some dog parks.

Fortunately, I always manage to.....
  #1349  
Old 06-10-2019, 01:03 AM
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... carry anti-alligator spray.

Getting it is not always easy, because ...
  #1350  
Old 06-10-2019, 01:06 AM
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I wear a fanny pack.

So I grab the____.
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