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  #11601  
Old 05-18-2019, 09:01 AM
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Nine months after the prom, Olympia Dukakis gave birth to Stephen King's baby, while performing as a clown in a circus. Hence Firestarter and IT.
  #11602  
Old 05-18-2019, 12:57 PM
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Olympia Dukakis, nee Olympia Schweineflieger, was named after the beer, as she was conceived in Tumwater, Washington.
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Old 05-18-2019, 01:04 PM
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Olympia's father, Yogi Berra Schweineflieger, wanted to have nine boys to man his own baseball tea. He had to produce 17 children by three women to do it, but he got his nine.

Three are gay activists, one is a cult leader, two are career soldiers, one is a forest ranger, one is the host of a kid's show, and two are cross-gender women's rights activists.
  #11604  
Old 05-18-2019, 08:14 PM
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Yolanda Chen-Schweineflieger, the current wife, knits personalized waffles for children undergoing cancer treatment.
  #11605  
Old 05-23-2019, 09:52 AM
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Yolanda Chen-Schweineflieger is a Level 12 waffle knitter who learned waffle knitting from the master himself, Yogi Sasuke.
  #11606  
Old 05-23-2019, 11:45 AM
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When Yolanda Chen-Schweineflieger invited Yogi Sasuke to breakfast at her house, they got into a battle over which one should "Let Go Of My Eggo."
  #11607  
Old 05-23-2019, 01:43 PM
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And then the toaster imploded.
  #11608  
Old 05-23-2019, 02:34 PM
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Toaster implosions are the number 2 cause of kitchen deaths in Slovakia, topped only by the microwave oven becoming sentient and flinging itself into a full bathtub.
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  #11609  
Old 05-23-2019, 02:52 PM
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Toaster implosions also lead to a number of kitchen births in Slovakia, though exact figures have not been released by the Government. Videos, however, are available at the usual sites.
  #11610  
Old 05-24-2019, 08:30 AM
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"Toaster implosion kitchen births in Slovakia porn" is the best example of rule 34 in the Internets.
  #11611  
Old 05-24-2019, 02:33 PM
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Vladimir Putin was born in an a toaster in Slovakia, and look at him now!
  #11612  
Old 05-26-2019, 12:40 AM
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Roller Toasters are popular amusement rides in Siberia.

Last edited by boson; 05-26-2019 at 12:42 AM.
  #11613  
Old 05-26-2019, 09:32 AM
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"Love Roller Toaster," by the Ohiowa Playahs holds the record [] for shortest time between completion of a recording session and the serving of the injunction to ban said song from the airwaves--17 minutes (The elevator was out of order and the process server had to walk up the six flights of stairs to the stu- stu- studio.)!

[The poster has been served a court order to delete this post. -- editor]
  #11614  
Old 05-26-2019, 03:28 PM
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Phil Collins' squad of highly trained agents are on the way to, er. "process serve" the wonder mutt even as you read these very words!
  #11615  
Old 05-27-2019, 08:46 AM
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"These Very Words," was William Goldman's working title for, "The Princess Bride." Then he sobered up.
  #11616  
Old 05-27-2019, 10:09 AM
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Charlie Chaplin was the inspiration for the character of Inigo Montoya. Chaplin traveled to America as a youth because his father, a great mime, was slain by a six-fingered theatrical agent. Charlie tracked him to Hollywood and eventually had revenge by making City Lights and inviting the agent to the showing. The agent choked to death laughing whilst trying to eat popcorn. At the bottom of his popcorn cup was a note that read: "Hello, my name is Charlie Chaplin..."
  #11617  
Old 05-28-2019, 08:25 AM
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Charlie Chaplin made the initial fortune that enabled him to do what he did when he found a gold winning ticket and was made the owner of Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. He later wrote the true life story under the nom de plum Roald Dahl, and kept the idea going with several more stories and even two fictional "memoirs."

I mean, does anyone actually believe Dahl's life story??
  #11618  
Old 05-29-2019, 09:42 AM
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Roald Dahl's father was an avid peach poacher and would take his son into Mr. Hazell's peach plantation to steal peaches. After his father broke his leg after one peach poaching attempt, Roald devised a way to slide peaches down a fishing line. This process of purloining peaches proved to provide positive results until Roald got to one patch on the peach plantation that had a tree with the biggest peach he had ever seen. After exclaiming "By James, that is a giant peach!" he was then inspired to write his novel The Magic Finger .
  #11619  
Old 05-29-2019, 09:58 AM
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The estate of Roald Dahl has sued Purely Positive Porn Poaches for making and releasing Charlie & The "Chocolate" Factory, James and the Giant "Peach," Charlie and the Great Glass "Elevator," My "Uncle" Oswald, Fantastic Mr. "Fox," The B"F"G, The Magic "Finger" and The "Twits." They lost big time.
  #11620  
Old 06-02-2019, 08:40 PM
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The Magic Finger won seven awards in the 1998 AVN award ceremony. Including Joe "Fingers" Carl for best stunt double.
  #11621  
Old 06-03-2019, 09:05 AM
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The Who also sued Purely Positive Porn Poaches for re-writing Tommy's "Uncle Ernie" and using it in "Uncle" Oswald. They dropped the suit when the movie won the 1981 AVN Best Song Award.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 06-03-2019 at 09:05 AM.
  #11622  
Old 06-03-2019, 09:33 AM
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The original founding members of the Who were Gene Autry, Dollie Parton, Porter Wagoner & Orson Bean. It was a C&W band. When Gene died, Dollie & Porter struck off as a duo act and Orson sold the rights to the name to Peter Lawford. Peter Lawford then rented the name to Roger Daltry, and so ended up at the end of his life even richer than Sinatra.
  #11623  
Old 06-03-2019, 09:40 AM
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Peter Lawford boinked every women in the Kennedy family and every women married into the Kennedy family. Once each, for twenty minutes. They used to get together and compare notes every years, and they all agreed he was a "lousy lay."
  #11624  
Old 06-05-2019, 09:08 AM
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At the Peter Lawford Memorial Branch of the University of Blawnox Library in Blawnox, Pennsylvania, on the third floor, far in the back corner you can see a small dedication plaque with the inscription "Never Forget, William B. January." Historical experts are still unsure of the significance of this signage.
  #11625  
Old 06-05-2019, 09:16 AM
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Prof. Mellifluous Hornstable-Grodnard of the University of Blawnox's Obfuscation Department, has proposed a novel theory. He believes the inscription is a mnemonic device for remembering the order of the months of the year according to the ancient Mesophlegmatic Calendar. Prof. Harry Hawkspit of the University of Blawnox's custodial staff believes this theory to be "sheer horse-spit" as the Mesophlegms only had three months in their calendar: Snargh, Snough and Snimble.
  #11626  
Old 06-05-2019, 11:19 AM
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Snargh, Snough and Snimble Starky are the names of Ringo Starr's triplet grandchildren by his only daughter, Lee Starky
  #11627  
Old 06-06-2019, 10:52 AM
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As the old saying goes "In the Land of Snargh, Snough is Emperor and Snimble is forgotten" but everyone knows that, right?
  #11628  
Old 06-06-2019, 11:24 AM
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According to language scholars it takes at least 40 years for a truism to become a saying.
  #11629  
Old 06-06-2019, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biotop View Post
According to language scholars it takes at least 40 years for a truism to become a saying.
But only twenty minutes for a falsism to become a believism.
  #11630  
Old 06-07-2019, 04:48 PM
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I was in a bathyscaphe at the bottom of the Mariana Trenches once, in 1960, for twenty minutes.
  #11631  
Old 06-08-2019, 09:32 AM
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A very famous spokes person for a Florida food product admits to having a lesbian encounter once, in 1960, for twenty minutes.
  #11632  
Old 06-10-2019, 11:19 PM
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Anita Bryant and Orson Bean had a torrid jet-skiing weekend on Lake Blawnox once, last week, for twenty hours, but none of the photos the Blawnox Babbler took of the couple turned out.
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Old 06-10-2019, 11:50 PM
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The editor of the Blawnox Babbler was turned out.
  #11634  
Old 06-11-2019, 08:26 AM
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The Blawnox Babbler was a very famous singer whose always performed in a very long, loose cape and was never photographed. To this date, nobody knows who the Babbler was, what nationality, race, gender or anything else about this very fine singer.
  #11635  
Old 06-11-2019, 09:16 AM
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Blawnox Bubbler is Western Pennsylvania's very first and most famous water fountain. Originally installed in 1948 in Allegheny Square, the Blawnox Bubbler attracts people from miles around who want to come and see water lightly shoot upwards from a nozzle when a small knob is turned.
  #11636  
Old 06-11-2019, 09:26 AM
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The historical inscription at the base of The Blawnox Bubbler was etched in stone using Wingdings, so unfortunately most tourists cannot read the font.
  #11637  
Old 06-11-2019, 10:17 AM
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Tourism font, developed at a print foundry just outside Lagos, Nigeria in June 1977, is remarkable in that it is illegible to 98.3% of all human beings, regardless of their native language.
  #11638  
Old 06-11-2019, 10:23 AM
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Tourism Font comes from the Deep Lagosian font mines. Slaves labor from pre-dawn to post-dusk for less than a tenth of a cent a day to provide the raw material that makes up 98.3% of the world's fonts. If you are reading this, it is because human beings (mostly) are starving to death to bring this to you. The life expectancy on a Lagosian font miner is measured in weeks, not years. The cost of reasonable rates for font miners would bankrupt the currencies of all the world, resulting in universal illiteracy as no one could afford any new fonts to be made. All print would be made up of recycling old printed matter, a pair of scissors and a pot of paste.
  #11639  
Old 06-11-2019, 10:34 AM
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Lagosian Font Minors are judged to be some of the best "workers" in the world, but their life expectancy is measured in weeks, not years. The cost of reasonable rates for font minors would bankrupt the currencies of all the world, resulting in universal illnesses as no one could afford any new minors to be fonted.
  #11640  
Old 06-11-2019, 10:57 PM
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Lagosian Font Minors are typically either fired when they turn 18, or receive a significant pay cut. They have never unionized, despite many attempts to do so.
  #11641  
Old 06-12-2019, 08:53 AM
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Lagosian Font Minors, however, have confederized several times. It has done them no good.
  #11642  
Old 06-12-2019, 10:33 PM
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Webster's defines "confederize" as... well, it doesn't define it at all, actually, due to none-too-subtle threats from the Blawnox crime syndicate.

Last edited by Elendil's Heir; 06-12-2019 at 10:34 PM.
  #11643  
Old 06-13-2019, 01:11 PM
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"That's a nice little alphabet youse got there. It'd be a shame if something happened to it. But, hey, yeah, who really needs a "q" anyways"?
  #11644  
Old 06-13-2019, 02:45 PM
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In the late 1950s, Henry Hill began working for the Gambino Family by running letters for them, eventually working his way up to more serious crimes.
  #11645  
Old 06-13-2019, 04:58 PM
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Henry Hill, once ejected from the Witness Protection Program, held several high-paying jobs simply because his resume contained the phrase "man of letters" under the "education" section.
  #11646  
Old 06-13-2019, 06:15 PM
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Henry Hill founded the fast-food hamburger chain that bore his name until he was forced out of business by the Ray Kroc syndicate.
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Old 06-13-2019, 10:29 PM
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Ray Kroc's much-feared crime family took over the Hamburglar's penny-ante racket but kept him on to divert police attention.
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Old 06-14-2019, 09:18 AM
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Ray Kroc would threaten would-be competitors by telling them they would "sleep with the filet-o-fishes."
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Old 06-14-2019, 11:46 PM
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Ray Kroc wears crocs. Not the goofy shoes; actual crocodiles. He's just that tough.
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Old 06-15-2019, 12:16 AM
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Ray Kroc has actually been dead for more than 70 years. It was his seven clones who ran the McDonald's restaurant empire, each of them working on a single day of the week.
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