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Old 10-21-2019, 07:24 PM
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Sigh, Sometimes life just sucks


Promising thread title isn't it?
Yeah, it doesn't get any better.

So my question is this(have I asked this already?)

How does one cope?
With the loss of companionship, intimacy, the difference in the feel of an empty house and one thats lived in "deeply" by someone else?

Most of the time, I'm ok, able to ignore the yawning chasm. Sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming.

Divorced, widowed, man woman, I don't care, how do you cope when it becomes too much? how do you adjust?
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:32 PM
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I've never been married, but I've lived alone for well over a decade. (And will eventually die alone and unloved.)

Entertainments. Hobbies. I've got at least four of them that I cycle between as one or another grows stale. It's like staying busy, but the slacker version.

If the house gets really quiet, go shopping. Wander the aisles a while.

Also if you have friends and family around, visit with them now and then.


ETA: Hey, you're in Boise too! If you're truly friendless, well, how are you with cooperative board games? I don't need another person to play with, but I suppose I could put up with one.

Last edited by begbert2; 10-21-2019 at 07:33 PM.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:33 PM
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I drink a lot of beer and cry myself to sleep.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:38 PM
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I do volunteer work. Helping someone else takes my mind off things that depress me.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:51 PM
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Dork, I feel ya man. I have a large family. Lots of sibs. Mr.Wrekker has a large family. I have kids and grand kids.
But, I have, due to agoraphobia, set myself away from all of them. Mr.Wrekker has always travelled for his work and now his hobbies.
Staring at the 4 walls and this way-too-big house gets to me on occasion. I go outside if I can. I do volunteer work. Not as much as I used to. My health won't allow much.
I have dozens of email and texting friends that check on me regularly. I read. I write. Pets do more for me than I realize.
I've learned to like my solitude. I like being with myself.
Good luck. Find a good hobby or take a class in something. You can always vent here on the Dope. PM me if you need a shoulder.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:00 PM
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I'm a widow. No kids, no siblings, no parents, no family at all really. The first year or so after my husband died, I could not be home in the evening. So I hung out at friends' houses and got home around 10 pm and went straight to bed. I kept a journal where I poured out all of my feelings. I couldn't have gotten into that bed if the journal hadn't been there to catch everything that was erupting out of me. (BTW I've never gone back to reread it, and I probably never will.)

Sadly, after a couple of months or so, other people have "moved on," and if it has never happened to them, they don't understand what they think of as your inability to "get over it." How do you cope? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't look at the horizon. Don't look too far ahead at all-- waaay too scary. It can take years for the Reality and Finality of your loss to really set in. For me it's been 19 years, and it won't take that long for you to start feeling like yourself again, but it might take 5-6 years. Seriously.

I'm also divorced from my first marriage over 40 years ago. We had not been married long, and I was the one who wanted out. I was just too freakin' immature to be married. But I will say that, even so, for TWO YEARS I couldn't listen to the radio because every song made me cry.

Find a group, online or in person, where you can share your feelings with people who "get it."
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:04 PM
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I'm divorced and the worst part is going a week or two without seeing my kids, it greatly depresses me because they are young. I pretty much just try and divert my attention, suppress my emotions or drink myself to sleep.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:09 PM
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I kept a journal where I poured out all of my feelings. I couldn't have gotten into that bed if the journal hadn't been there to catch everything that was erupting out of me. (BTW I've never gone back to reread it, and I probably never will.)
Seconded. I cannot overemphasize the efficacy of keeping a journal. I have one I've been maintaining since 2006, and another I keep on the bedstand for those thoughts that keep you awake at night. They have seen me thru separation, divorce, and eventually, the wonderful new life I have found. Highly recommended.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:27 PM
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Drinking is fine for the celebrations of life and maybe the odd, really, REALLY bad times. But don't drink yourself into oblivion every night. It will just heap another issue on top. Lonliness is a bitch. No doubt about it. You have a young son, get him in a play group or sport that you can oversee. You'll meet people of like interests with kids. Some of my best friends were found at things my children were involved in.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 10-21-2019 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:28 PM
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I do visit my parents a couple times a week, hell without them, I'm not sure I could successfully manage single dadhood when I have the Vaderling, they truly are my support network that I can never repay. I tried the journal thing for a while, it was not good, I sorta went places in there I'd rather not think about(sometimes it pays to not reflect to deeply and yes I am an all kinds of fucked up person inside)

So, I guess this is where I go for therapy...

Drugs and booze are right out, I like a drink now and then, like a couple times a year, but I am waay past that phase.

Like I said, most of the time I'm ok, just, now and then...I realize I've been with someone pretty much my entire adult life, its those nights when it really sits heavy on me.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:33 PM
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Oh, and begbert what sort of board games? What is a. Cooperative board game?
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:34 PM
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Oh, and begbert what sort of board games? What is a. Cooperative board game?
How old is your kid?
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:12 PM
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Oh, and begbert what sort of board games? What is a. Cooperative board game?
I'm clearly not begbert, but a "cooperative board game" is one in which the players aren't competing against each other, and which typically have only one winner at the end of the game (which is how most traditional board games, like Monopoly, work).

In a cooperative game, the players are working together towards a shared goal, and if the players succeed in the game, "everybody wins." A number of the most popular current games are co-op games, such as Pandemic, Arkham Horror, Mysterium, and Betrayal at House on the Hill.

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Old 10-21-2019, 09:14 PM
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Oh, and begbert what sort of board games? What is a. Cooperative board game?
A cooperative board game is where all the players are on the same side - rather than there being a winner and a bunch of losers, all the players win together or lose together as a group. Rather than the other players being your opponents, the humans are your allies and the game itself is your opponent.

This is important to me because when I lose a game to a human the only way to regain my honor is to kill them. This can make you run out of friends pretty fast, so playing cooperative games helps a lot.

Cooperative games used to be vanishingly rare, but now there are more and more common nowadays, probably due to the computer games acclimatizing people to the idea of cooperative play. In most of the games you are playing against some sort of countdown timer - win together by the end or everyone loses. Sometimes this timer is a literal timer; other times the game ends when a villan playing piece reaches the end of a track or when a deck runs out. Or, alternatively, you lose when some or all of your players get killed - or sometimes both (some games have several lose conditions that you have to watch out for).
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:21 PM
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How old is your kid?
10
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:29 PM
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A number of the most popular current games are co-op games, such as Pandemic, Arkham Horror, Mysterium, and Betrayal at House on the Hill.
Note that Betrayal at House on the Hill is not actually a cooperative game, for reasons suggested by its title. It also requires at least 3 players.

Most actual cooperative games that can actually be played alone, since even if you have no friends there's still the game itself to play against. However I don't recommend that as a way to stave of loneliness, since there's not much that's lonelier than playing with yourself.
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:32 PM
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10
All right. It doesn't have to be a cooperate game. What about a Lego kit that you can both work on? I find that extremely rewarding.

Another good game is the old "Rock Band" game with the guitars and drums.

I do both of these with my kids even now, and they are 16 and 15.

Another good game is the series of "Exit Room" games you can get. There are several levels of difficulties, I'd suggest starting with the easy ones to see if your kid likes them.

Hang in there, man. Being with my kids is the greatest thing in my life, and making the best of every minute you are together is a nice goal to work towards.
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Old 10-21-2019, 09:56 PM
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Note that Betrayal at House on the Hill is not actually a cooperative game, for reasons suggested by its title. It also requires at least 3 players.
I'd only played it once, several years ago, and had forgotten that, so thank you for the correction. I'd googled a list of top co-op games, to give some examples for my post, and it was on that list.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:13 PM
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I think you need a dog.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:36 PM
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I'm still recovering from a pretty hard-hitting breakup that caught me by surprise a few months ago.

What I do to cope: Talk to people online, listen to music, and most of all, write in a journal. I just write page and page of self-analysis and thoughts. My journals are sprawling long things.
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Old 10-22-2019, 12:12 AM
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I just retired, and was suddenly cut off from my faculty friends, and I'd gotten a lot of my camaraderie from my students. I'd gone out for drinks with a group at least once a week (college students, most "of age").

I fully expected to be depressed by now...

But I'm floored by how much I'm enjoying solitude. I talked to maybe three people today. I listened to an audiobook as I puttered around the house, biked to Trader Joe's for the ingredients for a new recipe (then made it), and spent too much time on the Dope. Finished my 'book while sitting on the porch. Took a long walk tonight and started a new audiobook.
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Old 10-22-2019, 12:29 AM
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When I figure it out, I'll be sure to broadcast it, free of charge.
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Old 10-22-2019, 12:33 AM
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I drink a lot of beer and cry myself to sleep.
This.
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Old 10-22-2019, 05:49 PM
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I'd only played it once, several years ago, and had forgotten that, so thank you for the correction. I'd googled a list of top co-op games, to give some examples for my post, and it was on that list.
Some people call it a cooperative game, because after a long warmup period the game forces one of the players to turn into a monster, and at that point (and not before!) the remaining players team up and cooperate in an effort to take them out, while the monster player works to defeat them all and win.

Needless to say, if your goal is to play with your friends rather than against your friends, this is not your game.

For a first-time cooperative game I'd recommend Pandemic if you're a eurogamer, Ghostbusters if you like playing something less abstract and more combative, Forbidden Island if you want something quick and simple, and Eldritch Horror if you want to cover a large table and spend multiple hours playing it. (Arkham Horror is a similar concept to Eldritch Horror, sort of a predecessor, that has more cards and stuff to manage and (in my opinion) isn't as fun, and I've never played Mysterium.)

All of these games can be played with only two people, and with the possible exception of Eldritch Horror can probably be handled by the average nine year old - though it may take them a while to figure out how to cooperate properly.
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Old 10-22-2019, 05:56 PM
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Old 10-22-2019, 06:21 PM
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You know, I don't know. I'm sorry you're going through with it though.

I come from a dysfunctional family. I decided never to have kids for a wide range of reasons (health issues, I never felt ready, etc).

So I treated my nieces as my own kids. But then there was a family argument that I had nothing to do with, but because I'm the family scapegoat my brother and his wife blamed it on me, and turned the girls against me to punish/control me to force me to say everything was my fault.

So I spent 12 years helping to raise a pair of kids only to be discarded when I wasn't useful anymore. Fucking sucks. I hate people.
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Old 10-22-2019, 06:58 PM
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Wesley, that's not funny, but I say Hah! My brother tried something similar and it backfired when I owned it in front of God and Everyone and told him it was so that his kids would have at least some ability to be independant as adults...a year later him and his wife were divorced and he apologized. No I didn't do what I was accused of.

Hah!
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Old 10-22-2019, 07:54 PM
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It never ceases to amaze me what family members can/will do to each other.

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Old 10-24-2019, 02:21 PM
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How does one cope?
Drink.
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Old 10-24-2019, 05:00 PM
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Just do what I do: Any time a feeling comes up that you don't like you just push it down into the box. Everytime. Just keep pressing those bad feelings down and soon you'll be happy. Like me. Oh, so very happy!

Or, you can find something to do. As much as it pains me to say this, exercise. Find something you can tolerate, ideally something that you can do with other people. Try out Tai Chi, or something you've never done before. This has the added benefit of reducing stress and keeping you healthier, because being sick and lonely is way worse than just garden variety lonely. Also, drink.
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Old 10-24-2019, 06:22 PM
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I was where you are a few years ago. I met someone promising and we live together. But now my situation is very much like the line from the Gotye song:

"Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company"

I am at a point right now that I prefer the times I am alone to having to deal with getting yelled at for all of someone else's problems.

So having someone else around is not always the answer. But when I was alone I did tend to find more excuses to get out of the house. Even if I never talked to anybody, just being around other humans helped.
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Old 10-24-2019, 06:55 PM
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[...] just, now and then...I realize I've been with someone pretty much my entire adult life, its those nights when it really sits heavy on me.
Not trying to deny or minimize your feelings here, it's perfectly legit to feel depressed because you're not with someone right now. But don't forget to ask yourself how much of the heaviness is based on feeling that you ought to be with someone, or that because you used to be with someone then by definition it must be bad not to be with someone.

What if you lived in a society where everybody was expected to be alone for at least x years of their adult life? In this hypothetical society you can have relationships/marriage part of the time if you want, but it's culturally mandated that you should spend at least this minimum amount of time on your own to become fully independent as a person. What would life be like if people routinely described their single status not with statements like "I'm alone and unloved and a failure" but instead with statements like "I'm doing some of my solo work these days"?

In short, how much of our unhappiness at being alone is produced by cultural expectations of experiencing aloneness as stigma and deprivation and failure, rather than genuine inability to find happiness in solitude?

Again, I'm not saying you have to be happy in solitude if that's not how you feel. Just reminding you that you're allowed to be happy in solitude even if the rest of the world is telling you that solitude will necessarily make you miserable. (Also, and importantly, being happy in solitude for now will not automatically classify you as some antisocial coldhearted freak who will never find love again.)
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Old 10-24-2019, 07:15 PM
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How does one cope?
One copes, that's how. You're feeling an emptiness in yourself that you've forced other people to fill, but it's your emptiness, and it is your job to fill it. You can dump alcohol and tears into the emptiness (god knows I tried that), or hookers, or bowling, or pets, or family, or food...but anything that doesn't come from you won't last. And because what you're depending on is external to you, you are a slave to its availability. You need to become enough for you.

How you get there? I dunno. I'm not you. None of us are. What worked for me? One fine day, while I was freshly divorced and feeling rather down, driven to live only by my duty to be some sort of father to my kids, I found myself at the library. I was picking out some movies to watch with the kids, and I started browsing the music section. I came across an album by a band I'd heard of but never listened to because I didn't take them seriously. What the hell, let's see what all the fuss had been about (they'd been out of business for nearly 30 years). It was a refreshing break from my stale playlist but nothing really grabbed me until this number came on. And grab me it did. It prompted quite a bit of introspection that yielded one simple, anchoring truth: the life I am living is mine, and it is nobody's privilege, right, or job to live it for me; and when I wasn't having the time of my life, I needed only to look in the mirror to find the person responsible. Nobody had ever hurt me, they were just being them and I took their actions personally, I had been unfair in expecting others to make my happiness more of a priority than I did. So, yeah that's it man. Figure out who and what you are, wear it like a badge, be the hell out of you, and most importantly make yourself allow others to do the same. You won't be lonely.
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Old 10-24-2019, 09:18 PM
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Exercise, getting good sleep, drink in moderation (and don't leave hard liquor in the house) take care of your hygine and surroundings to avoid hitting a downward spiral that can be quite the trap to get out of.
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Old 10-25-2019, 12:20 PM
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I mourned, I grieved, I found some new interests.

And when I was ready I did the second hardest thing in my life (watching him die was the hardest) - I pulled my big girl panties up tight & went out to find a new mate.

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Old 10-25-2019, 02:36 PM
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Been thinking about this, off and on.

I know what the problem is, and right now it doesn't seem very likely that I'm going to easily get to the solution I want/need. Just keep plugging away at I guess until it happens.
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Old 10-25-2019, 02:47 PM
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Been thinking about this, off and on.

I know what the problem is, and right now it doesn't seem very likely that I'm going to easily get to the solution I want/need. Just keep plugging away at I guess until it happens.
Oh. Oh? OH! I see what the problem is, now. Unfortunately I cannot advise you in that area. Aren't there places men can go for that?
Good luck.
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Old 10-25-2019, 04:03 PM
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Oh. Oh? OH! I see what the problem is, now. Unfortunately I cannot advise you in that area. Aren't there places men can go for that?
Good luck.
Well, there's an assumption I didn't make.

I confess curiosity as to what he specifically had pegged down as his chosen solution, but as a sadly lonely person myself, my first guess wouldn't have been rub'n'tug.
  #39  
Old 10-25-2019, 06:18 PM
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It never ceases to amaze me what family members can/will do to each other.
Thank you. Knowing other people think this is dysfunctional does help because I was born into dysfunction and sometimes can't see it.
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Old 10-25-2019, 06:20 PM
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Lol begbert and Beck

Uh, yeeeaaahh, if you're thinking what I'm thinking Beck, and after we take over the world, it will be so much better. BTW were you able to get the amount of steel wool I asked for?


rub n tug,,,huh, hadn't thought of that. hmmmmmmmmm, nah, nowhere around here I'd want to go even if I knew where.
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  #41  
Old 10-25-2019, 06:24 PM
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Cases and cases. All's well in the kingdom.
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Old 10-25-2019, 06:40 PM
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Lol begbert and Beck

Uh, yeeeaaahh, if you're thinking what I'm thinking Beck, and after we take over the world, it will be so much better. BTW were you able to get the amount of steel wool I asked for?


rub n tug,,,huh, hadn't thought of that. hmmmmmmmmm, nah, nowhere around here I'd want to go even if I knew where.
If you were thinking what I thought she thought you were thinking, and needed steel wool, eaugghh!!!
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Old 10-25-2019, 07:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by begbert2 View Post
If you were thinking what I thought she thought you were thinking, and needed steel wool, eaugghh!!!
I don't what you thought, but I was thinking about oven cleaning.
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Old 10-25-2019, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Beckdawrek View Post
I don't what you thought, but I was thinking about oven cleaning.
Not what I think you thought he was thinking; what I thought you thought he was thinking. As previously stated, what I thought you thought he was thinking was the rub'n'tug, which when you add steel wool...


(And yes, I only bothered with this reply because it lets me write variants of the word 'think' so many times in rapid succession.)
  #45  
Old 10-25-2019, 07:39 PM
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well in that context, it's still better than the cheese grater the plan originally called for
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  #46  
Old 10-25-2019, 07:42 PM
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I'm thinking you thought I was thinking what you thought. I assure you I never thought such a thing, no matter what you were thinking. The thought never crossed my mind.
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