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  #2801  
Old 09-20-2013, 08:23 AM
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This is getting rather silly.
  #2802  
Old 09-20-2013, 09:39 AM
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Mm-hm. Crucifixion party. 'Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time.

Last edited by Knorf; 09-20-2013 at 09:39 AM.
  #2803  
Old 09-20-2013, 10:06 AM
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She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
  #2804  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:35 PM
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Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary muscular movements which no amount of self-control can prevent. And obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take that into account.
  #2805  
Old 09-20-2013, 02:51 PM
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Aren't you going to say something about 'mine aren't but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight'?
  #2806  
Old 09-20-2013, 03:36 PM
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'Ello 'ello 'ello - what's all this, then?
  #2807  
Old 09-22-2013, 12:34 PM
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I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
  #2808  
Old 09-22-2013, 01:40 PM
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Pointed sticks? Ho, ho, ho. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, thus...
  #2809  
Old 09-22-2013, 04:44 PM
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The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees...


Sssssh!
  #2810  
Old 09-22-2013, 07:10 PM
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No, no, no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.
  #2811  
Old 09-22-2013, 09:45 PM
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Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
  #2812  
Old 09-23-2013, 09:23 AM
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Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
  #2813  
Old 09-23-2013, 09:38 AM
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In Nova Scotia today, Mr. Roy Bent of North Walsham in Norfolk became the first man to cross the Atlantic on a tricycle. His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing, was ninety feet long, with a protective steel hull, three funnels, seventeen first-class cabins and a radar scanner. Mr. Bent is in our Durham studios, which is rather unfortunate as we're all down here in London. And in London I have with me Mr. Ludovic Grayson, the man who scored all six goals in Arsenal's 1-0 victory over the Turkish Champions FC Botty.






(Go Arsenal!)
  #2814  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:12 AM
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Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.
  #2815  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:29 AM
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No-time Toulouse. The story of the wild and lawless days of the post-Impressionists.
  #2816  
Old 09-23-2013, 01:21 PM
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I chose him out of the thousands, I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.





iOS 7, anyone?
  #2817  
Old 09-23-2013, 01:27 PM
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Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. Having accomplished that it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate masonic tendencies through the use of behavioural psychotherapy.
  #2818  
Old 09-23-2013, 01:38 PM
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I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
  #2819  
Old 09-23-2013, 02:21 PM
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Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark.
  #2820  
Old 09-24-2013, 10:03 PM
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It's....
  #2821  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:23 AM
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Can do - but won't.

Regards,
Shodan
  #2822  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:27 AM
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I took the liberty of examining this parrot, and discovered that the only reason he remained on his perch was that he'd been nailed there.
  #2823  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:32 AM
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And now...No. 1... The Larch...and now...

Last edited by Prof. Pepperwinkle; 09-25-2013 at 11:32 AM.
  #2824  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:15 PM
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The single magic word that has tantalized man since the dawn of history: "Chickens!"
  #2825  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:55 PM
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Pinin' for the fjords?
  #2826  
Old 09-25-2013, 03:01 PM
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Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
  #2827  
Old 09-25-2013, 03:12 PM
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We done passionfruit!
  #2828  
Old 09-25-2013, 09:05 PM
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It is quite remarkable baker charlie how much the miller's son this so-called while you were out word association immigrants' problems influences the manner from heaven in which we sleekit cowering timrous beasties all-American speak, the famous explorer.
  #2829  
Old 09-25-2013, 11:29 PM
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I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.
  #2830  
Old 09-26-2013, 07:09 AM
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If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
  #2831  
Old 09-26-2013, 09:37 AM
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Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel, who, like all the Germans, is still thinking. Heraclitus a little flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there, Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored! The Greeks are going mad, the Greeks are going mad. Socrates scores! Got a beautiful cross from Archimedes. The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside.
  #2832  
Old 09-26-2013, 09:49 PM
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It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
  #2833  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:28 AM
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Yes, we in Special Crime Squad have been using wands for almost a year now. You find it's easy to make yourself invisible. You can defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into frogs, something which you could never do with the old truncheons.
  #2834  
Old 09-30-2013, 09:33 AM
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Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
  #2835  
Old 09-30-2013, 11:29 AM
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My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaagh!
  #2836  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:56 PM
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Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
  #2837  
Old 10-02-2013, 01:00 PM
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Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment.
  #2838  
Old 10-02-2013, 02:16 PM
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Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.

Regards,
Shodan
  #2839  
Old 10-02-2013, 02:23 PM
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Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: What great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?
  #2840  
Old 10-12-2013, 09:17 PM
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The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
  #2841  
Old 10-12-2013, 09:35 PM
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Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.
  #2842  
Old 10-12-2013, 11:02 PM
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That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Liberal Party
  #2843  
Old 10-13-2013, 11:58 AM
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Number eleven. More naughty bits.
  #2844  
Old 10-13-2013, 12:11 PM
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It's.... No. No. No. It's....
  #2845  
Old 10-13-2013, 01:57 PM
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Thank you. I didn't want to seem a bit of an old fusspot just now you know, but it's just as easy to get these things right as they are easily found in the BALPA handbook. Oh, one other thing, in the Sherlock Holmes last week Tommy Cooper told a joke about a charter flight, omitting to point out that one must be a member of any organization that charters a plane for at least six months beforehand, before being able to take advantage of it. Did rather spoil the joke for me, I'm afraid.

ring

Yes, ah yes - yes.My wife just reminded me that on a recent 'High Chapparal' Kathy Kirby was singing glibly about 'Fly me to the Stars' when of course there are no scheduled flights of this kind, or even chartered, available to the general public at the present moment, although of course, when they are BALPA will be in the vanguard. Or the Trident. Little joke for the chaps up at BALPA House. And one other small point. Why is it that these new lurex dancing tights go baggy at the knees after only a couple of evenings fun? Bring back the old canvas ones I say.It is incredible, isn't it, that in these days when man can walk on the moon and work out the most complicated hire purchase agreements, I still get these terrible headaches.

Well . .. I seem to have wandered a bit, but still, no harm done. Jolly good luck.
  #2846  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:22 PM
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All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
  #2847  
Old 10-13-2013, 03:24 PM
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Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room.
  #2848  
Old 10-13-2013, 03:27 PM
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Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
  #2849  
Old 10-14-2013, 12:36 PM
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So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.
  #2850  
Old 10-14-2013, 01:54 PM
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From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.
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