Damn you, HGTV! Damn you, Norm!

The BBQ Pit
1

Damn you, Pat and Jodi, Matt and Sherry, Joan, Henry, and all the rest!! You make it look so easy, don’t you, with your top-of-the-line power tools and your neat, clean workshops that some flunky keeps clean, and your budgets that allow you do use all the cool materials and hardware. You compress a 4-day project into a tidy 30-minute transformation of raw materials to finished installation. You never sweat, you never bleed, you never make a mistake – do you? Well, damn you all!

All I wanted was some shelves to store the video tapes that have been in movers’ boxes in the spare room closet. For the record, we moved here 2 years ago, so emptying the boxes was a long-overdue task. The corner of that closet was a perfect place to put some shallow shelves. I took some measurements and sketched it out on CAD, and I figured I could fit 12 shelves quite comfortably. Off to Home Depot I went.

It was to be a simple installation – 6” X 23” shelves made from ½” thick particle board. I got 2 panels – 2’ X 4’ – figuring to run them thru the table saw to size. As an aside, my husband has been whining for years that his table saw is crap. I figured he just wanted a new one – you know – guys and tools… Well, he was right. His table saw is crap. The table is not flat. The rip fence is not square. And the thingy that you use to push the material thru doesn’t fit snugly in the slot. I could have used the circular saw, but I figured I could make do on the table saw. Norm makes it look so easy, damn him!

I got them all cut. They’re sorta square. We’re not talking fine furniture here – they’re shelves in a closet in a spare room. Close enough is good enough in this case.

I was going to install them by attaching angle brackets under the shelves and screwing them into anchors set in the sheetrock. I had a box of anchors and a box of screws and 36 brackets (3 per shelf). Have I ever mentioned that I did tool and fixture design for 6 years? In addition to watching the aforementioned TV network, I picked up enough tips to make drilling the pilot holes a lot easier. Three set-ups on the drill press, and I soon had all the pilot holes ready for bracket installation. Incidentally, drill bits are sharp, and tiny, little ones are very sharp. There was a little blood. And unfortunately, the screws I bought were ¾” long and the shelves were ½” thick, so I had to scrounge up shorter screws. I did have a fully charged battery for the drill/screwdriver, and it didn’t take long to install all the brackets.

Ever hear the words of wisdom “Measure twice, cut once”? I had. Too bad I didn’t heed them. The space in the closet was actually a bit more than 23” wide. More like 23 ¼” – so the side brackets didn’t fit snugly against the walls. Damn. I wasn’t going to mess with shims. I just decided to make do. After all, each of the shelves was to hold about 20 videotapes, no great weight there.

The first shelf sat securely on the base molding. I thought about attaching it, but it is just 3” off the floor, so I just set it in place. Rather than bothering to measure for every shelf, I made two spacer blocks that would sit on the previously installed shelf. I’d rest the next shelf unit on the blocks, mark where the anchors needed to go, take out the shelf, drive a nail to make a hole for the anchor, then drive the anchor in. With the shelf back in place, I’d drive the 3 screws, then repeat with the next shelf.

Like I said, the closet is just over 23” deep. I didn’t want to empty all the crap out of it, so I cleared an area that would allow me to get in there and work. I am not a petite woman. Nor am I particularly flexible. The installation of the bottom 4 shelves was not pretty. The language was decidedly unladylike. The Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] was at work so I had to do all the holding and fetching and bending and reaching. And even with the ceiling fan going, it was hot in there. I had to stop several times to clean the sweat off my glasses and wipe my face. I also had to stop for a bandage when the drill slipped and I jammed a Phillips head bit into my left index finger. (I managed to get it bleeding again this morning…)

Somewhere along the line, I had to venture out of the room and down the hallway. Pixel, my Dalmatian, planted herself in the doorway. When I tried to step over her, she moved, and I stepped down on her leg. Don’t fret for the dog – I didn’t put my full weight down. I managed to move my foot, but the shift in balance sent me falling. I felt it in my left hip and my right knee, and I think I put my left hand down rather heavily. Damn dog.

So, long story short, I installed all 12 shelves. I emptied the moving boxes and gathered the assorted tapes that were left around the house. I labeled the ends of the ones we taped and I tried to organize them on the shelves. I still haven’t decided what order would be best – alphabetical or by genre or separating movies from series of movies. Before we moved from Virginia, I created a database of our videos – we had 318 at the time, and I know we’ve added to the collection since then. If I’m lucky, I can fit 250 of the tapes on the shelves, and the rest will stay in the cheesy plastic storage drawers that are falling apart.

I’ve already told the Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] that we’ve got to finish cleaning that closet and the room. With the two of us, it shouldn’t take more than and hour or two. And there is a sense of satisfaction having this project done. I will continue to watch HGTV, and I will get my husband the table saw he’s been lusting after. But I’m still pissed at Norm et al. I could do what they do if I had good tools and a flunky to sweep up my sawdust. Damn them.

2

I never learn a damn thing from watching Norm because there is no way I could do what he does without a million dollar budget. Lord, the guy even has a machine used just for making biscuits. Every tool in his shop is this insanely expensive specialized thing built for one purpose and one purpose only.

What we need is a new show, maybe I’ll host. I’ll call it “Broke Guy’s Workshop” and my projects will be guranteed to use nothing more than a circular saw, a hammer, a drill, paint, glue, and duct tape.

“Today on ‘Broke Guy’s Workshop’, Beeblebrox demonstrates how the college freshman can transform a giant cable spool salvaged from a construction site into a lovely dining table”

3

Beeblebrox, you’re a genius. I’d tune in for sure.

4

I always like when they paint. In their pristine khakis and blue chambray shirts.
“We’re going to paint now!,” one of them will chirp.
And we see a 30-second montage of someone painting, while the show’s theme song plays.
Then they walk around the freshly painted room, marveling at how easy it was to rag-paint a 25 x 30 foot room in just under an hour.
No spilled paint, no paint in their hair, not a drop of paint on their pristine khakis and blue chambray shirts. No drips, no paint on the windows, no husband and wife glaring at each other, pointing fingers, while grumbling, “This was your idea” or “You actually like this color?”.

Yeah. Fuck 'em all. :rolleyes:

5

Beeblebrox - don’t forget Norm’s mortising tool!! And that laser-guided saw! And all of those nice, readily available clamps! I’ve learned a lot about technique from him, but doggone, if I could afford all those fancy-pants tools, I could afford to buy nice furniture or hire someone else to build my cabinetry. Still, there’s something about a bearded man in flannel…

BiblioCat - and when they hang wallpaper, there’s never a cross word. I knew after hubby and I papered our dining room with vertical striped paper that our marriage could survive anything!

6

My favorites were Joe and Ed of Furniture on the Go. They really did the work and even showed it when they made mistakes. I wish they still had a show.

7

Homebrew, have you noticed that TLC is showing old reruns of Men in Toolbelts with Joe and Ed? I had totally forgotten about it until I saw a rerun the other day. Man, I love those guys!

And, FCM, I’m with ya…much as I love Norm, he makes it look deceptively easy. Then you remember that the guy has a whole BARN full of tools. The man builds things for his tools with his other tools. His tool barn is bigger than my condo. He has a biscuit maker AND a slot cutter. I’d be ashamed of him if he didn’t make it look easy!

8

Well, reruns of their follow-on show, Men in Toolbelts (not nearly as good as FTG, IMHO), still show occasionally on TLC and the Discovery Home Channel, so you can still get your fix.

9

Good Lord, you’re a better person than I am. We just painted our living room and dining room and nearly killed each other. I ended up doing the kitchen myself.
I’d NEVER try to hang wallpaper with him.
And that one show, “Decorating Cents” where they have to re-do a room for under $500…it ALWAYS comes to $497 or $498. Just once I’d like to see them come out at $350 or so.
(I still like the show, I’m just saying… )

10

Toolbelt wearing guy checking in here.
Norm is practically a saint in my book, so the following comments must be read as criticisms of a craftsman I really like.
As a shop owner, foreman, and, (currently) journeyman working in cabinetmaking for the last twenty two years I have to say that Norm doesn’t teach the basics.
All his projects are complicated for beginers, and I think he doesn’t take this into account.
What I think he should do is show how to begin, and think a project through. I’ve trained numerous people, and I’ve always done this.
Any project one begins can be broken down into simple, definable steps. I believe it is essential to do a layout, develop a cutlist, and form a strategy. With all the tools he has, and the dramatic presentation he makes, he has never done this to my knowledge.
Another flaw of the show is the implied message that numerous tools are required to do the job. The most important tool is, as I have alluded earlier, a strategy.
I think I am rather poor at explaining my thoughts here, and for that I apologize, but the old adage, “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat today. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll never go hungry.” is sort of what I’m saying.
My credentials

11

You also have to be careful with these shows when they’re pushing new technologies. I remember an old “This Old House” when they were promoting a heating system that ran hot water through pipes in the floor. That system was popular for awhile, but there were problems with the pipes cracking. Since the pipes were laid in concrete, fixing the problem resulted in a big mess, and I think a few lawsuits.

In another show, their heating expert installed a German-made system which looked like it was designed for an industrial site. Looked pretty, but can you imagine trying to get someone in to fix it?

“Hometime” once featured a computer-based lighting system that was DOS-based. It was appropriate for its time, but I how often the homeowner would have wanted to fiddle with it, or if he had to reprogram the computer each time the power went out.

And Norm! Yeah, I’d love to have an outdoor workshop the size of an aircraft carrier and a ton of rare Brazilian hardwoods. Instead, I work in the basement, cutting boards with a circular saw (oh, for a crappy table saw!) and trying to build with only the finest Southern pine products, with some help from particle board. To put up molding, I finally broke down and bought a coping saw. I thought I died and went to the Old Yankee Workshop.

12

I like it. Kind of a “Lumberyard Wars” or “Iron Carpenter”. Get an elfin British gal and/or a giggly Japanese “actress” and you’ve got yourself a cult hit!

There are times when a casual observer would notice no difference in my reaction to New Yankee Workshop and an NFL highlight reel. “Oooh, nice one! This guy’s good!”

I always like the way Norm would say he’s finishing up for the night, and he’d walk into his barn the next day (but mid-show) and tell the folks at home “Good morning!” Charming. Then I think that if it’s morning, he must have just had breakfast. And then I picture him eating breakfast. And then I get weirded out.

“I’m gonna consume these fatty sausages now, but first I’m gonna put on a little cahpenters glue, and then some quartah-inch brads…”

13

I will be using a 5’ High carbon steel German link cutting blade in my food quality Mitre box along with these spring loaded sausage calipers to devide it into 21/32 inch segments. After all the segments have been inspected to make sure the cuts are straight we use a 600 grade pork buffing paper to smooth off the ends of each segment. After measuring to find exact center, we mark this spot with maple marking syrup, which should guide our fork to the correct spot to spear it. Now I like to use a 4 pronged, laser sharpened fork with a vulcanized handle to prevent slippage…

14

Bless you, ** FairyChatMom **, for starting this thread.

I hate HGTV for a million reasons. The biggest being it gives my wife all these ideas on how to fuck up…er, I mean…“improve” our house. One or two things would be nice, but she wants to do everything they show, thus costing me money, and making the house look cluttered!:mad:

Then theres the “why can he do that so easily but you can’t” questions. The answer, of course, is while the guy on HGTV is thinking about new ways to varnish hard wood, I’m thinking of new ways of using my “hard wood” to make my s.o. cum:D. (ok, dirty rotten thing to post, but hey, I hate HGTV!)
Everytime I try one of those projects they talk about, it turns out like the bird house I tried to make in 6th grade shop!

I hate HGTV!!:mad:

15

But you don’e *have *to do this because Norm already took care of it. All you have to do is buy his measured drawing and materials list!! He’s done the hard part - all you have to do is take a bunch of wood and make it look like what he made on TV!! Criminy, how much easier can it get?
Sorry - did I peg the sarcasm meter? Fortunately, I’m a planner - guess it’s the curse of being an engineer. I’ve already drawn up the plans for our retirement home - the one we should be able to start building in about 2 years. Then I watch these shows and think “Wouldn’t it be neat if we could…” and off I go to make yet another change.
Damn HGTV…

16

Step right over here, friend. Such a deal I have for you…

:smiley:

17

It’s “The Red Green Show”, actually, and duct tape is referred to as “the handyman’s secret weapon.” If you haven’t seen this gem, you need to. It’s on PBS. Where else would you learn how to transform a dead rusting auto into a planter?

I just have to say that Pixel must be one of THE best names for a Dalmatian that I’ve ever heard.

Don’t even get me STARTED on cooking shows. I want to know who washes those kajillion little dishes? Hmmm?

18

I was going to say it seems that the cooking show trend has hit the home improvement shows eh ?

Although I’ve noticed now most cooks show their help occasionaly or make jokes about it
But most of these shows are fanatasy really but do the builders on these shows have home improvement books they sell like cook books ?
Sometimes cooks dont give the whole recipie or method to sell their books in fact one pbs show cook was noted for saying " for the whole recipie its page 425 in my new book ect "

I just wondered if ti was the same

19

When we bought our house I looked forward to setting up a basement workshop. I subscribed to The Family Handyman and Woodworker magazines and started making lists of all the household projects and remodelling I was going to do. The hallway leading to the kitchen had a built-in cabinet which I was going to tear out and replace because the shelves were badly laid out, the spare room that had been designated as the library was going to be fitted with floor-to-ceiling bookcases, etc.

None of it, of course, ever got done.

But at least I realized it wasn’t going to get done before I shelled out thousands of dollars for shop equipment I would never use; I have a table saw (which I haven’t touched in five years) and a assortment of hand tools which are scattered about the house from being used for minor repairs and then put into a convenient drawer instead of taken back down to the basement.

Well, maybe when I retire I’ll have time to fix the place up.

If we don’t just sell it and move to Las Vegas.

20

LurkMeister, most of the basement in our future house will be a workshop and a paint booth. The plan is to have the basement closed in so we can lock our tools in there while we finish the rest of the house. um, yeah, we’re hoping to do much of the building ourselves.

The other part of the plan is to acquire good tools over the next couple of years so we can get into the Norm-mode. Between building the house and doing work on our boat, we will make good use of our tools. I doubt that we’ll get all the fancy, specialized toys, since we don’t intend to build furniture or cabinets. But good basic tools will be worth the expense, if only to prevent the frustration of a cockeyed rip fence!!

Oh, and I do just about all the painting. My husband is good with wood and fiberglass and metal (he was a toolmaker and a welder in his younger days) but he’s a disaster when he has a paintbrush in his hand. Luckily, he recognizes that. He does the lifting and lugging and ladder-moving, and I roll and edge. Wallpaper is another tale entirely, but we manage to work that out too.

Of course, if I could pick the right lotto numbers, none of this would be an issue. In the grand scheme of things, the best tool for any job is a checkbook.