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Old 12-29-2002, 12:18 AM
racinchikki racinchikki is offline
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: East Texas
Posts: 4,994
The Big Ring/Farewell, My Precious by Raymond Chandler

It was about eleven o'clock in the morning, mid-March, with the sun not shining and the usual look of hard, cold doom in the foothills. I was wearing an orc's old suit, brown pants, brown shirt, no shoes, some mail and armor. I was tired, I was frightened, and I was desperate, and I didn't care who knew it. I was everything the apocalyptic hero ought to be. I was calling on the doom of all the races of Middle-Earth.

As a rule this Mordor joint wasn't the sort of place a respectable person would be seen in. That suit me just fine. I never claimed to be a respectable person. And I've seen enough unrespectable people doing unrespectable things that it rarely makes me lose any sleep. This case, however, was one of the exceptions.
Old 12-29-2002, 02:05 AM
Pixillation Pixillation is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3
With apologies to Spider Robinson...

It was the standard night at Callahan's place. Drinks were flowing, the cigar box on the counter was full, and the fireplace was spilling over with glass. It was Tall Tales night - the night when people had to tell the tallest tales that they could, and the winner of the night's competition would get all of their drinks for free. Needless to say, every hand had a glass in it, even though the competition was down to the final two competitors. Now, mind you, I was one of the last two competitors of the evening - and I sure wasn't going to pay my tab. But my opposition was steep - I was up against the Doc, and he's not an easy one to beat. The topic of the evening was books, and it seemed that we'd turned to Tolkien for the final competition.

"You know," began Doc, settling heavily back in his chair and waving a meaty hand airily, "I don't believe I've told a story about my friends from Rivendell recently. Pretty place, Rivendell - full of trees and pretty arches and a flowing river.

"Anyhow, I was breezing through there one day when this horse came pounding up behind me. There was this woman on it, and she was hanging on to this little short kid who looked like death warmed over. Needless to say, I was called immediately into action. We got the kid into a bed in the best house in town, and I got to work."

Someone, sotto-voce, muttered, "Can't be the best House in town - that's Sally's Place."

The Doc, nonplussed, turned his eyes in the direction of the unknown heckler, and blithely continued uninterrupted. "So anyhow, I look over the kid, and there's not a sign of injury or assault on his person - except that his skin was cold as death, and his face white as a sheet. But he had this ring on him - pretty thing it was, too. It was hanging on a chain around his neck. For some strange reason I almost thought it'd fit me, but then it hit me - and I knew what'd happened. I talked to the other medical folks in Rivendell, and they agreed with my diagnosis. Shame, too - it was incurable."

"What was your diagnosis?" said Callahan from behind the bar, leaning his chin into his hand as if to hold his head up.

"Oh, that's simple," said the Doc. "He ring'd his neck."

A few glasses hit the fireplace as a communal groan went up - but I saw my advantage. The Doc's final efforts were not his best tonight, and I had an opening for my own attempt.

"Well," I drawled, stretching out my legs a bit from my own chair, "the Doc might hang out in Rivendell, but I always preferred the Shire. Those boys know how to party, let me tell you - always had pipes smoking, food was plentiful at any hour of the day, and they had elevenses."

"Elevenses?" queried Long-Drink from across the room.

"Yep, elevenses - and they dressed to the nines while they had 'em, let me tell you. Anyhow, I recall this one particular party that I went to. It was for some guy named Baggins who'd just had his hundred and eleventh birthday. The whole town turned out for that one, and it looked like it was going to be great - eighteen-course dinner, fireworks provided by Gandalf and Co., the works. Dancing and singing, everything you could imagine in a great party.

"Anyhow, the night was getting along, and Old Man Baggins got up on this stage to say a few words. Now, me and Hattie Hornsfoot were off in a corner chatting, but she went running over to her family when the old guy got up to talk, so I was left to my own devices. And boy, could he talk. 'Baggins and Boffinses,' he began, then listed off this humongous listing of names - so many, in fact, that he could've likely written a whole book about them.

"So anyhow, there I was, off to one side of the party with a mug of stout and a smile, and this grey-robed guy with a pointy hat nudged me, then jerked his chin off to one side, like he wanted me to follow him. I got the picture right away, and sidled off after him. But then, I heard the shouts, and I started back towards the party - sounded like someone'd just killed someone, and I figured I had a bit of practice with breaking up a fight.

"That party'd gone to the dogs quickly, that's for sure. People were screaming and hollering, and the Proudfoots - or is that Proudfeet? - were busily bashing the Boffinses with their steins. A cluster of Hornblowers were screaming at the Old Took... a bad move that is, since the Old Took can holler with the best of them. And my good friend Hattie was in the middle of a cluster of Brandybucks who looked like they were about to explode. I started towards her, then tripped over something and turned around to see what it was.

"There wasn't anything there - or, at least, it didn't look like there was, and then that old geezer Baggins appeared in front of me. "Quick!" he hissed. "Get behind me and shut up - you won't get beat." And he was being truthful - there was a pack of Proudfeet coming my way, and it looked like I was up for a bruising.

"So I got behind Baggins, and he suddenly vanished - and there I was, all in my lonesome, with a batch of hobbits bearing down on me. I did what any self-respecting guy would do and froze and didn't move a muscle, hoping they'd think I was a bush. But did you ever hear that an invisible hobbit is still opaque enough to hide whatever's behind him? Surprised the heck outta me; I still felt old Baggins in front of me, and even tugged on his coattails once when one of the drunk hobbits swaggered closer, but not a single one saw, and eventually Baggins whispered that it was safe, and we made a break into the woods."

"Is dere a point to dis whole rigamaroles?" Fast Eddie asked, lounging against his piano.

"Yup. It all comes down to one thing, which is great to remember for any parties in the Shire - I'd rather have a hobbit in front of me than have a bottle lobotomy."

A hailstorm of glasses hit the fireplace, Fast Eddie played a 'wah-wah' on the piano, and I knew I didn't have a tab to pay up as I left that night.
Old 12-29-2002, 02:10 AM
staroakyyz staroakyyz is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3
Originally posted by finarfin
Would anyone care to try "Apocalypse Now"?
I started this. Feel free to add...

Scene 1: Captain Frodo, laying in bed, just staring up...

"Rivendell... Shit!"
"I'm still only in Rivendell."
"Every day I stay here, I get weaker."
"Every day Orcy squats in his hole he gets stronger."
"Every hobbit wanted a mission. And for my sins they gave me one."

Scene 2: Rivendell HQ

Unnamed General: "Good morning Captain Frodo. Have you ever seen me before or this other gentleman?"
Captain Frodo: "No sir."
Unnamed General: "You've done a lot of work on your own, a lot of special ops, right?"
Captain Frodo: "I know of no such mission nor would I be disposed to speak of one if I did, sir"
Unnamed General: "Did you ever steal mushrooms from Farmer Maggott?"
Captain Frodo: "I know of no such mission nor would I be disposed to speak of one if I did, sir"
Unnamed General: "Have you ever heard of a Colonel Walter Sauron?"
Unnamed General: "He's operating over the border in Mordor. His methods have become unsound. He's operating without any decent, moral sense or restraint."
Unnamed General: "We want you to terminate his command."
Other gentleman: "Terminate with extreme prejudice."
Unnamed General: "You will proceed up the Anduin river past the fallen bridge of Osgiliath."
Unnamed General: "Once there you will make your way to Mount Doom and cast the Colonel's Army academy class ring into the fire."
Unnamed General: "Of course, this mission never happened."
Old 12-29-2002, 02:16 AM
Liakela Liakela is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 74

*smooches Pixellation anyway* Hee!
Old 12-29-2002, 02:19 AM
Hometownboy Hometownboy is offline
Charter Member
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,609
Welcome to the SDMB Pixillation, and congratulations on a stunning entrance.

As a major fan of Mr. Robinson's, my hat's off to you for catching his prose so perfectly. Allow me to cover your tab next time around, and b'god I do surely wish it could be at Callahan's or its successor.
Old 12-29-2002, 02:28 AM
Pixillation Pixillation is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3
Why, thank you, Hometownboy. It's all Liakela's fault - she dragged me in, and since out of all the prior mess I hadn't seen Spider done yet, I figured /someone/ had to do it.

Could've been worse, I suppose - a hobbit could've slipped Jake a Finn.

Ciao for now.
Old 12-29-2002, 03:17 AM
staroakyyz staroakyyz is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3
"A Few Good Hobbits"

"A Few Good Hobbits"

Boromir: You want answers?

Aragorn: I think I'm entitled to them.

Boromir: You want answers?

Aragorn: I want the truth!

Boromir: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with swords. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Samwise Gamgee? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Gandalf and you curse the Orcs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Gandalf's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.
We use words like Gondor, Pellenor, Ithilien...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Aragorn: Did you try to take the ring?

Boromir: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Aragorn: Did you try to take the ring?

Boromir: You're goddamn right I did!!
Old 12-29-2002, 05:47 AM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28
Binary LOTR

The Binary Lord of the Rings - Excerpt

1110101000101010110100100000101010100010101000101010101010111111110100011001010100101000010101011000 1010101111101010101010000001010101010010101010100010101010100101010110100110100001010101001010101101 001010010000101010101010110100100000001101101111111110010101010010101010100001010101.

0001010101011111011010010000101010101011100101010101001010111001010101010101001010101001101001100100 000010101100100001010101010010101010101000101010101011111001010100100101010101010.

1110000100101010010100010101101010101010001010101010000000001011010110101010100101010100101100101011 11111111110101000010100110010101010! 001010101…..

0101010111110101010101000000101010101001010101010001010101010010101011010011010000101010100101010110 1001010010000101010101010110100100000001101101111111110010101010010101010111110101010101000000101010 1010010101010100010101010100101010110100110100001010101001010101101001010010000101010101010110100100 0000011011011111111100101010100101010101111101010101010000001010101010010101010100010101010100101010 1101001101000010101010010101011010010100100001010101010101101001000000011011011111111100101010100101 0101011111010101010100000010101010100101010101000101010101001010101101001101000010101010010101011010 010100100001010101010101101001000000011011011111111100101010100100000000001

001 100
Old 12-29-2002, 05:49 AM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28
Argh - sorry, didn't realize my post would stretch the thread. Could someone edit to the right size please?
Old 12-29-2002, 08:18 AM
ragsdale ragsdale is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 11
Eleisawolf, your Gorey was brilliant! Seriously. I got shivers!

Anyone willing to try a Sherman Alexie? I might, but I think I'd mess it up.
Old 12-29-2002, 10:26 AM
jayjay jayjay is offline
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Posts: 36,320
I'm beginning to wonder if this thread doesn't top the "Most New Dopers Recruited" list for 2002...

Today,! Tomorrow, the world! Bwaaahahahahahahahaha!
Old 12-29-2002, 11:44 AM
mcp mcp is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
Posts: 3
More Hem, anyone?

Speaking of new members...I registred just now simply to join this great thread.
So many potential litterary victims...but this would be my first choise: We've already had some Hemingway, but mostly reminicsent of the older papa, n'est pas?. So I can't resist giving the Young Hem a go:

That autumn is was very pleasant, and we often went walking in the garden with the low sunligth in the clean, cold Rivendell-air, and there was always a breeze to send the leaves from the birch-trees swirling, and Arwen was very happy most of the time.

"Don't we have a wonderful time together, darling?"
"We have such fun. The hobbits are such wonderfull people. Why havn't we seen any more hobbits here before? If you would stay, we could invite more hobbits. Then we could give parties, and perhaps invite some more og your kin too, and we would have such wonderful fun."
"You know I can't stay"
"Of course. But would'nt it be grand?"
"Very. But it is not for now. You know that."

She was quiet for a while. The she said:"I hate it when you do that."
"Do what?"
"Say: You know that. I wish you didn't ever say: You know that."
"But you do."
"Yes I do. But i don't wna't to. I hate that i know it. I hate everything they say about your blood and your war and about the terrible, terrible, miserable ring. I wish I had never heard of it. I Wish i didn't know. But I do. And it is so terrible, and i wish we could stop talking about it."
"It is easier to accept it if you understand it."
"Will you please stop talking about it?"
"Sure. But you have to understand, it is just what is neccesary to do."
"Will you pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease stop talking about it?"

We sat for some time and looked at the landscape in front of us. You could see the peaks of the mountains which were covered with the everlasting snow, and down below us the ravine streched out between the walls of the cliff, past the gates of Rivendell and out by the Bruinen and futher on into the plain beyond the hills. A single dark cloud drew across the pale blue autumn sky. It passed its way slowly over the horizon, carried high by the blow of the eastern wind. A small white tree in front of us caught the wind too and swayed almost down to the gruond beneath it.

"I'm sorry" she said. "I was unfair."
And then:"I did not mean to be unfair. I just go a little crazy sometimes. Can you forgive me?"
"Of course"
"It's just that I hate thinking of it."
"So do I."
"So we won't talking about it again, will we?"
"Good. Because I hate talking about it."
She had sat very straigth and tall, but now suddenly she seemed very tired and she leaned against my shoulder.
"Will you put your arm around me?"
I put both my arms around her and held her close, and she said: "Don't you wish you weren't going?"
"I do" I lied.

Later, after I had gone of with the Company, that small white tree wich had been blown so heavily about by the wind that day, was torn up by the winter storm and cut up to be used as firewood, but in the end everyone passed the sea before it was put to use . But at that time we were in Lorien, and noone thought anymore of Rivendell then.

Hope some liked it.
Sorry for spelling etc., english is not my first language as you migth have noticed
Old 12-29-2002, 12:31 PM
Tretiak Tretiak is offline
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 1,394
(Apologies for typos)

If I had been honest with Gandalf from the start then it might have been different. But generally my lack of forthrightness has been my downfall on numerous occasions and the consequences had generally been no worse than to send me into weeks long fits of misery and depression and re-ordering my record collection based on such mundane criteria as where I bought the album or which memebr of my family it reminded me of. And most of my lies or half-truths at that time revolved around football, or more specifically The Shirenal Gunners. For example, there was Milicent Lowtree, with a fantastic bosom and far too much sense for me. But here we were together when she asked me to have dinner with her folks on a night that we both new was scheduld for the Gunners and the Archers of Aragon in a replay of an earlier match when Hicklefit missed an open net in extra time. But instead of explaining to her the impossibility of me not going to Shirebury that Saturday, I agreed to go to dinner, knowing full well that I would never make it. And I made up some excuse, which she didn’t believe, and we broke it off. And in hindsight I suppose I should have simply told her at the tim, “No dear, I cannot make it becasue the hobbits have a game, right, so you see it is an impossibility.” But then ,and even now that sounds hooribly inept and pathetic, so of course I found it far easier to take the other path.

And this is exactly what happened with Gandalf, when he asked me to take the Ring to Mordor and destroy it, I agreed. But I knew that there would be know way, there was a game that night and countless others that I would have to miss should I make the journey. And I tried to beg off Gandlaf, asking how he could expect a lowly hobbit such as myself to carry the ring on such a dangerous quest, when in reality what I meant was, how could he expect to miss at least a half dozen league and Cup games to dispose of a ring that didn’t even belong to me. Gandalf tried to explain that only I could possibly reists the temptation of the rings power. It was rubbish as far as I was concerned, I had my own overwhelming desire, which was to sit in the North End with the other nutters. And if I had been honest with Gandalf and said there was no way because there was a game it might have turned out better. But again, like always in these situations, I choked on those words as being to ridiculous..

So I took the ring and made off as if I was on a quest to destroy the ring, when in reality the only quest I had was to get to Shirebury in time to claim my favorite spot in the bleachers. And on my way there I ran into a complete oddball who looked off by about ten and talked is a strange West End slurring dialect. He offered to take the ring to, or the “precious” as he referred to it, to Mordor. I agreed. As far as I was concerned this was a brilliant plan because I wouldn’t have to miss the game and the ring would, presumebly get destoyed.

This was one of the last days before the darkness overtook Middle Earth and one of my last happy memories becuase the Gunners pulled out a brilliant vitory with two strikes in the last ten minutes. So I like to think I made the right choice, although I am still not sure what became of the ring.

-Nick Hornsby
Old 12-29-2002, 02:23 PM
cerberus uberunderdog cerberus uberunderdog is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 10
Charge at First Light - Tennyson

Tens of Thousn’ds, Tens of Thousn’ds,
Tens of Thousn’ds, more,
All towards Helm’s deep
Marched the dark core.
“Forward Fighting Uruk-hai
Take no mercy, make all men die!”
To destroy Helm’s deep
Marched the dark core

Such numbers, such reckless hate
Strength of Isengard so great
Now tho’ the soldiers feared
Feared a horrid fate.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die.
A few to stand to save Helm’s deep
Against all odds they dared

Masses the right of them,
Masses to the left of them,
Masses in front of them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with rage and hell,
Boldly they fought and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of hell
Against all odds they dared.

“The battle we have bared
The despair we have shared
I will not end here snared
Backed into a corner
Without forth having dared
For an end worth a song.
The end will not be long;
At dawn sound Helm’s horn
Ride forth, I will charge them strong
May we cleave a road,
Now will you ride with me,
Son of Arathorn?”

One last time, hear Helm’s horn sing
With the sunrise, hope will bring
Helm for Theoden King!
“Forth, Eorlingas!”
In the east, clothed in white
Hope arrives, joins the fight
Rohirrim, cloaked in light
Just in time, welcome sight
For the Helm, dark core smite
Til no more sabers ring
Battle comes to pass

When can their glory fade?
End worth a song they made!
Fate of Middle Earth spared.
Honor the charge they made!
At first light they braved,
Against all odds they dared!
Old 12-29-2002, 03:17 PM
Bunsen Honeydew Bunsen Honeydew is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1
The Reed Urn of the King by Piers Tolkien

Frodo stood near the fiery chasm, struggling with himself.
How he wanted to claim the Ring for his own -- how he *needed*
it! He pulled it from the Reed Urn that Aragorn had given him
to carry it in, and placed it on his finger.

But even the foul Ring of Sauron could not completely dominate
the will of a hobbit, so long as he was truly good and stuck
to his principles. Frodo held, with his last strength, to the
image that had sustained him through all of those miles in the
wasteland: Rosie, as he had seen her swimming, not knowing that
she was being watched. How enticingly her breasts had bounced!
With despair, Frodo realized that he would never learn what
kind of panties she wore, and he took another step towards the
brink. If he could not force the Ring from his finger, he
would throw himself into the pit.

But the Ring had a last trick to play. It clamped ever tighter
on his finger, sending waves of agony through his body. Frodo
stumbled and fell, and as he sprawled, he flung his arm out
to break his fall. The Ring suddenly dropped from his hand,
and heeding its call, Gollum came scrambling...
Old 12-29-2002, 03:46 PM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28
Lennon/McCartney do LOTR

The song of Theoden, by John Lennon/Paul McCartney

When I find myself in times of trouble
Orcs as far as I can see
And my men are fading, just like me!
Helm's Deep's a trap, they told me
And orcs standing right in front of me
Shouting nasty warnings, "Let it be!"
"Let it be, let it be
"Let it be, let it be
"You will see no morning, let it be!"

We are no broken-hearted people
Hiding from the enemy
We'll still kick some orc ass, with great glee!
For though those orcs are mighty
There is still a chance so we'll be free
Let's kill orcs, my brothers, you and me!
You and me, you and me
You and me, you and me
Let's go kill some orc scum, You and me!

And when the night is cloudy
And those orcs are hard for you to see
Shine your torch upon them, and you'll see!
You'll see their nasty teeth and eyes
Your stomach will quite disagree
But you must keep fighting, just like me!
Just like me, just like me
Just like me, just like me
Yes, you will keep on fighting, just like me!
Just like me, just like me
Just like me, just like me
Yes, you will keep on fighting, just like me!
Old 12-29-2002, 03:51 PM
cerberus uberunderdog cerberus uberunderdog is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 10
GOLLUM – by Voltaire


How Gollum met his Precious, and what came of it

There lived in Middle Earth, among the riverfolk, two young hobbit-like folk: Smeagol and Deagol. Smeagol was of a family of high repute, and was himself very inquisitive and curious-minded, and interested in roots and beginnings. He would tunnel and burrow and dive into deep pools, his eyes constantly looking downward. His friend Deagol had similar interests, and was sharper-eyed but not so quick and strong.

One day they were out fishing, and Smeagol got out to nose around the banks while Deagol remained in the boat fishing. Suddenly, a great fish took Deagol’s hook, and before he knew it, he was pulled out of the boat and dragged deep into the water, to the bottom. Seeing something shiny, he let go of his line, grasped at the object, came up sputtering with a handful of mud, and swam for the bank. When he washed the mud away, he beheld a golden ring.

Smeagol had been watching over his shoulder, and insisted Deagol give him the ring. He insisted it should be his, as it was his birthday, and he wanted it. Deagol would not part with it, so Smeagol strangled him and took it from him, because the gold looked so bright and beautiful. He put the ring on his finger, called it “my precious,” and wouldn’t let it out of his sight.

Upon returning home, he recognized its powers of invisibility, and used it to crooked and malicious purposes, all whilst muttering and gurgling to himself. Over a time, he became hated and shunned by his relations, they called him Gollum and banished him from his home. For a time he wandered lonely, feeling sorry for himself, eating raw fish, until eventually he came to hate the sun and took up shelter in a cave in the Misty Mountains. For awhile, he vanished from all knowledge.

Until an unlikely soul happened by, and the ring abandoned Gollum, only to be found by an unsuspecting hobbit. Proving admirably that there cannot possibly be an effect without a cause – that in this best of all possible worlds, the precious was the most powerful of all rings, and with a will of its own … it did not wish to remain with a spent creature deep in a cave, unused. Observe: fishes are made for eating, fingers are made for rings, pockets are made for holding things, and rings of power are made to control others. It is clear, that things cannot be otherwise than they are, or since everything is made to serve an end, everything necessarily serves the best end.

Thus of this cause and this effect, the ring left Gollum, in this most beautiful and agreeable of all possible caves.
Old 12-29-2002, 06:02 PM
aelia_camilla aelia_camilla is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1
LoTR a la Evangeline, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This is the forest Fangorn. The murmuring pines and the Ents,
Bearded with elf moss, and in garments silk, indistinct in the twilight,
Stand like Elves of eld, with voices sad and prophetic,
Stand like Hobbits hoar, with beards that rest on their hairy feet.
Loud from its rocky caverns, the deep-voiced neighboring ocean
Speaks, and in accents disconsolate answers the wail of the Ents.

This is the forest Fangorn; but where are the hearts that beneath it
Leaped like the deer, when he hears in the woodland the voice of the
Where is the thatch-roofed village, the home of Rivendell farmers--
Elves whose lives glided on like rivers that water the woodlands,
Darkened by shadows of Sauron, but reflecting an image of Lothlorien?
Waste are those pleasant farms, and the farmers forever departed!
Scattered like dust and leaves, when the mighty blasts of the Second Age
Seize them, and whirl them aloft, and sprinkle them far o'er the ocean.
Naught but tradition remains of the beautiful village of Rivendell.
Ye who believe in affection that hopes, and endures, and is patient,
Ye who believe in the beauty and strength of Arwen's devotion,
List to the mournful tradition still sung by the pines of the forest;
List to a Tale of Love in Rivendell, home of the happy.

(this is just Evangeline, slightly modified)
Old 12-29-2002, 06:04 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Shadow Earth
Posts: 5,636
Man, these just keep getting better and better.
Old 12-29-2002, 06:23 PM
Epigramcracker Epigramcracker is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 83
More Frogers and Sammerstein!
(Oklahoma style!)

The Shire (from the musical of the same name)

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-- The Shire
Where the wind comes sweepin' through the hills,
And the gardens hoed, with PO-TAY-TOES,
Are enough to give a hobbit thrills!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-- The Shire
Where we sit and drink a pint or two,
Where it's quite a treat to wash one's feet
Cuz there's really not that much to do!

We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we saaaaaaaaaaaaay--
"It's here we want to staaaaaaaaaaay!"
We're only sayin'
We're doing fine in the Shi-ur,
In the Shi-ur
In the Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire! HEY!!
Old 12-29-2002, 06:42 PM
cerberus uberunderdog cerberus uberunderdog is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 10
Sun Tzu as Sauron – The Art of Using Rings of Power (excerpts)

If a ring-bearer who heeds my will bears the ring, I am certain to win. Retain him! When one who refuses to adhere to my will bears the ring, he is certain to be defeated, Dismiss him!

All rings of power are based on deception.

Offer the bearer a bait to lure him; feign innocuousness and snare him.

Feign ignorance and allow him to believe the ring of power can be used for his will.
Old 12-29-2002, 06:44 PM
cerberus uberunderdog cerberus uberunderdog is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 10
Machiavelli – The Ringbearer (excerpts)

When those ringbearers which have been acquired are accustomed to living at liberty under their own will, there are ways of holding them. One is to forge another ring, with the power to control and the will to dominate and rule the others. And if the ruler of the one ring rules a free-willed ring bearer and does not destroy his will, he can expect to be destroyed by it, for the ring bearer can always find a motive for rebellion in the name of liberty and free will.
Old 12-29-2002, 06:48 PM
Lando Lakes Lando Lakes is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 4

Frodo Bag-feld is sitting in Bag End, his shelves crammed with opened boxes of Lembas cereal. Kram-dalf comes careening in, knocking his hat off and tossing the staff into a chair.

KRAM-DALF: Whoa! Frodo, there's a new brew down at the Green Dragon, you just gotta try it!

Frodo sputters and waves his hands angrily.

FRODO: Kram-dalf, what is your problem? You come barging in here like the place is meant for big folk and keep knocking over all of Bilbo's knickknacks! Really though, what is up with knickknacks? They don't knick. They don't have a knack.

Kram-dalf snaps his fingers and pops his lips.

KRAM-DALF: That's gold Frodo!

Samwise Costanza enters and plops between the two, looking more sullen than usual.

FRODO: Please, make yourself at hole! I insist!

SAM: Shut up Bag-feld. Rosie just broke up with me. What is with me and women? I mean, I cater to all their carnel desires, why can't they cater to mine?

FRODO: What is it with carnel desires? They always seem to get the best of us. Take this ring I got from Bilbo. It's small, unobtrusive, yet it continues to grow on my mind.

KRAM-DALF: Like a canker sore, with lemon juice poured on it?

FRODO: Exactly.

There is a knock at the door. Frodo opens it and Loth-man steps in.

LOTH-MAN: Hello Frodo!

FRODODisgusted) Hell-o Loth-man. What do you want? Don't you have an other obscure relatives you can pester?

LOTH-MANLaughs manically) Oh, Frodo, Frodo. I just stopped by to inform you about a series of recent purchases I've just made.

He hands him the deed to BAG END. Frodo looks at it aghast.

FRODO: How did you get this?

LOTH-MAN: Apparently, someone hasn't been paying there rent fees lately.

FRODO: I sent a check just last week.

LOTH-MAN: Well, you know how it is with the postal service.

FRODO: No, I don't know how it is with the postal service. Care to educate me, fat boy?

Loth-man sneers and turns around.

LOTH-MAN: You have a day to get off my property, or else, I toss you out! Ta-ta!

Kram-dalf smacks his lips.

KRAM-DALF: You know, you could have avoided this entire problem is you had just used the UPES.


KRAM-DALF: United Elf Parcel Service.

FRODO: Then that would be UEPS!

KRAM-DALF: Well damn, now I'm really confused!

SAM: Will you all shut up! Let's start focusing on what's important here hobbits! ME!

Ar-laine comes in and slams the door behind her.

AR-LAINE: Well, I'm going to die.

FRODOSarcastic) What, you're STD test come back?

AR-LAINE: Shove it shorty. I've just promised myself to that Aragorn Putty twit, and now I've been banned from crossing the seas to Valinor! My Dad can be such a jerk sometimes.

KRAM-DALF: Hey, I know what could really cheer you up. This awesome ale down at the Green Dragon. It'll knock your socks off.

AR-LAINE: Wait? The one made by Gaffer Costanza?

KRAM-DALF: Giddy-up!

AR-LAINE: Get out!

She shoves Kram-dalf into the fireplace. He lets out a yelp and rolls around on the floor in flames.

SAM: Oh, well that's swell! And still no one's comforting me over my sudden and irresolvable break-up!

AR-LAINE: Knowing Rosie, and knowing you, I'd say it was your fault.

SAM: Oh really? Where you there? Did you witness it for yourself?

Ar-laine gives him a wry look. He fumes silently and wrings his fists.

SAM: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I planted her new elanor greens under the window sill, and she didn't like it, so (whispers) I set them on fire.

FRODO: God, let's get down to the Green Dragon!

AR-LAINE: I don't know, what with Mr. Pyromaniac along for the ride, won't he burn the place down?

SAM: It was an accident! An Accident!

FRODO: All the same, we're keeping the matches away from you. Come on Kram-dalf, I need to figure out how to get Bag end back from that idiot cousin of mine.
Old 12-29-2002, 07:28 PM
eala eala is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 2
The Remains of The Ring by Kazuo Ishiguro

It seems increasingly likely that I really will undertake the expedition that has been preoccupying my imagination now for some days. An expedition, I should say, which I will undertake alone, with only the companionship of the gardener, Sam (a hobbit such as I, you see-- daring perhaps to place myself among the great hobbits of my generation-- a hobbit such as I is accustomed to referring to those under him in the staff by their given, Christian names); an expedition which, as I foresee it, may well take me through much of the finest countryside of Middle-Earth, as well as some of the most perilous, to the Rivendell home of the Elves, and may keep me from the Shire for as much as one or two months. The idea of such a journey came about, I should point out, from a most urgent suggestion put to me by Mr. Gandalf himself several evenings past. An evening when, as I recall, I had only just returned from the pub, and thus perhaps did not give this request the thought it merited. I use the word request loosely, for the desperation in which it was delivered was not at all akin to the easy and free manner with which my friend is in the habit of conversing with me. I must admit, I am uncertain as to what he wishes from me in regards to these conversations. Mr. Gandalf, you see, is very fond of the small witticisms in which he indulges, a state not entirely exclusive, I believe, from the large amounts of pipe-weed he consumes. We of the Shire are not used to this bandiment of jest, and I find myself at times unable to produce more than a weak smile. Still, I am mindful that he is a foreigner, and if the fulfillment of my duties requires the exchange of these witticisms, then I shall pursue their execution to the best of my abilities. But I digress. On the particular evening, as I recall, I was seated before the fire, gazing at the fine picture of the Old Took which has hung over the mantlepiece now for a good many years. It was then that Mr. Gandalf entered, placed the volumes he carried haphazardly on my writing desk, and threw himself down into an armchair (an armchair which, i might add, was rather too small for him, being made to the measure of a fully grown Hobbit) and said, with great distress,"You realize, Frodo, that it's not safe for
you to remain here in this house with the staff of Sauron abroad. I've an idea. It seems best if you take the Ring to my old friend Elrond in Rivendell. He'll tell you what to do."

all i can think of at the moment. Has anyone done a Nora Roberts one?
Old 12-29-2002, 07:45 PM
aaaaaarrgg aaaaaarrgg is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: evanston, il
Posts: 273
ala captain planet

hi all, i'm new but i somehow found a link to this thread and it blew me away so i signed up...dunno if anyone's done these yet, but they came to me and i must. apologies in advance!

captain frodo and the fellowshippers

(and boromir)
goooo fellowship!

by your powers combined, i am captain frodo!

captain frodo, he's our hero!
gonna take that ring right down to zero!
he's a halfling, from the shire,
fighting on the gandalf siiiiide...

(members of the fellowship):
we're the fellowshippers, you can be one too
cuz destroying this ring is the thing to do!
evil domination is not the way.
here's what captain frodo has to say:
gooooo us!
Old 12-29-2002, 08:06 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
Charter Member
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Slithering on the hull
Posts: 25,977
There's gotta be a way the Chicago Reader could make money off this thread!
Old 12-29-2002, 08:07 PM
aaaaaarrgg aaaaaarrgg is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: evanston, il
Posts: 273
sponge bob square pants?

gandalf: arrrre ya ready kids?

hobbits: aye aye, gandalf!

gandalf: i cant hear you!!

hobbits: aye-aye, gandalf!!!!

gandalf: okaay...
lives in a hobbit hole out in the shire?

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: so furry and short and freaky is he...

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: if seeing much bish-iness is what you wish,

hobbits: frodo baggins!

gandalf: then go watch the movies and drool like a fish!

hobbits: frodo baggins!

all: frooodooo baaagginss, frooodoo baaagggggiiiinnnnnss, froodoooooo baagiinnnns, froodoooooo baaaaagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!
Old 12-29-2002, 08:40 PM
aaaaaarrgg aaaaaarrgg is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: evanston, il
Posts: 273
billy troll

billy troll's scenes from a tolkien-ian trilogy

a ring made of gold, it might make me dead,
perhaps gandalf should take it instead?
oh crap, it's gotta be me
I dont wanna leave this old familiar place
catch you face to face in breeeeeeeee

(new line cinema execs)
tom bombadil, where did he go?
he was in the book, not in the film, though
we'll just add in liv tylerrr
in our neew zeaaland film.

(frodo in rivendell)
things are okay with the hobbits these days
made it alive, chilling with elves
got some new toys, eating some lembas
and pal bilbo is old
oh, we think we're going home
you're all weak, i didn't know
i'll take it to mordor, after all this m$*#er f*&#ing time!

(merry and pippin's lament)
do you remember those days hanging out back in the shiire?
elevensies, bag end, parties, all that fun
oh, we'd drink and sing and have some jolly fun
back in hobbiton
cold beer, hot food
our sweet romantic tweenage nights

(billy troll)
a dude called saruman was the popular wizard
And a smartie in middle-earth
strutting around with his fancy staff
And his magical powers
Nobody looked any finer or was more of a hit at the orthanc diner
We never knew he could want more than that out of life
Surely s-man and gandalf would always know how to be friends

arwen and strider were still going steady in that summer of the third age
When they decided the marriage would be after 1000 pages
Everyone said they were crazy
arwen you know you're much too elfy
And strider could never own up and be king of gondor
But there we were while arwen waved strider goodbye.

we all joined a fellowship and had us some fun
now theres paintings of us up at sears
they travelled to moria and found out there'd
been no one alive there in years
but they started to fight when the orcs were in sight
and they just didn't count on the bridge

(billy troll)
well they ran for a while in a very nice style
but it's always the same in the end
gandalf met his doom at kazad dum
and parted from all of his friends
then the soon-to-be-king took the rest outside
and they never went back there again.

our man frodo had had it already
By the time that they left lorien
from the high to the low to the end of the show
he decided to go it alone
his friends couldn't escape their attractions
so the fellowship broke up into factions
but we always knew they would all find a way to get by
oh, that's all I heard about books one and two
can't tell you more cause i told you already
and here we are waving frodo and sam goodbye

(legolas, gimli, and aragorn)
so long boromir
let's go chase some ooooorcs
i'll meet you hobbits later on
in our fine old triiilogyy
Old 12-29-2002, 09:26 PM
ragsdale ragsdale is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 11
An idea for anyone who's recently read Return of the King ... Eowyn fits nicely in the space of "Kerowyn" for Lackey's song "Kerowyn's Ride" ... *grin*

hmmm.... Lackey doing LotR songs... eek. What does it mean when you filk a filk? *vanished to work on that idea, be back tomorrow*
Old 12-29-2002, 09:40 PM
dejafish dejafish is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1
Galdalf makes a radio from a coconut and Gimli hits Merri with his hat

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started out from Rivendell,
and was named a Fellowship.

The Ring was wanting Saruman
to wraithe our Frodo pure.
So nine brave souls set forth that day,
for the forge of Mor-a-dor, the forge of Mor-a-dor...

The Balrog started getting rough,
the dwarf would not be tossed.
If not for the courage of Grey Gandalf,
the mission would be lost; they all would have been lost.

The rest of them continued on across each scenic mile
with Aragorn, and Archer Elf,
and Boromir, and the Dwarf,
with true-blue Sam, the hobbit twits and Frodo's angst,
all in Tolkien's grand style!
Old 12-29-2002, 09:42 PM
aaaaaarrgg aaaaaarrgg is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: evanston, il
Posts: 273
sorry i just keep thinking of things

yeah i keep remembering stuff iwanna add: you all need to visit this website: http://www.jerrythefrogproductions.c...ofthering.html it is AMAZING.
Old 12-29-2002, 09:56 PM
ragsdale ragsdale is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 11
okay, got one...
Mercedes Lackey does a song tape for LotR - track one:

Deep into the stony hills, miles from Is-en-gard,
a horde of Urk-hai running, running fast and running hard.
Tthey carry with them halflings, stolen at their lord’s command:
he seeks the Ring of Power to adorn his gnarled hand.
Three things see no end,
a flower blighted e’re it blooms,
the message that miscarries
and the journey that is doomed.

Some amongst the uglies call a halt to their hard flight,
they’re hungry and they’re footsore, and they’re glad to pick a fight.
The group begins to argue, and a head or two gets chopped,
the hobbits try to flee but are by hungry goblin stopped.
Three things never trust in,
the wound that will not heal,
the ally who keeps secrets,
and a hungry mob with steel.

From ambush Rhorim screaming charge the Urk-hai and their prize,
and every one who’s not on horse is taken by surprise,
and all but three are cut down as a woodsman fells a log:
the hobbits started running and the goblin ran along.
Of three things be wary:
a Rohan man on horse,
a Sheild-maid who is angry,
and the Fanghorn Forest, of course.

The hungry goblin chases and the frightened hobbits flee,
they try to hide themselves up in the branches of a tree,
But it’s an Ent who’s napping, and once awake he sets things right:
stomps the goblin, takes the hobbits off to meet the Wizard White.
Three things never anger
or you will not live for long:
A dwarf with axe, a wizard true,
and an Entish sense of wrong.

(yes, it's awful, and not the same length as the original, but, well...) (and for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, check out Firebird Arts and Music).
Old 12-29-2002, 09:59 PM
don't ask don't ask is offline
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 17,814
With apologies:

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tiny town,
that Bilbo had just slipped.
The hobbit was a hobbit not a man,
the wizard brave and sure.
Three people set off that day,
to thwart the Dark Lord, thwart the Dark Lord………
The Nazgul started getting rough,
the tiny group was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Ring would be lost; the Ring would be lost.
The group took ground on the shore of this Lorien elven wood,
with Frodo, Strider too,
Tom Bombadil, and Legolas,
Sam Gamgee, Gimli, Boromir Merry and Pippin,
here on Gilligan's Isle.

So this is the tale of our fellowship,
they'll fight a long, long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
it's an uphill climb.
The hobbit and the wizard too,
will do their very best,
to make the others live right through,
this horrid Sauron pest.
No food, no drink, no sex at all,
not a single luxury.
Like the Cracks of Doom,
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each year my friend,
you're sure to get a grin.
From Peter Jackson's telling,
Of the Lord of the Rings.
Old 12-29-2002, 10:17 PM
longhair75 longhair75 is offline
Charter Member
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: omaha, ne
Posts: 2,914
jefferson ring ship

one ring makes you larger
the other makes you small
and the one that bilbo gave you
makes you invisible to all

(Sister Winifred said I would never learn to type....)
Old 12-29-2002, 10:30 PM
gonzalo de cordoba gonzalo de cordoba is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 49

I was born deep down in a hole-in-the-ground,
First kick I took was when I got pushed around.
Been treated like an orc who's been beat too much,
And I spent half my life just coverin' up...

Born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
Born in Hobbiton...

I got put in a big old jam,
when my uncle put a ring in my hand,
It got me sent off to some foreign land,
Cause I was told to destroy it by some grey old man...

Born in Hobbiton...

I had a friend named Boromir,
Fightin' off the orcs by the Anduin,
They're still here, he's passed on,
Born in Hobbiton...

I come back to my home in the Shire,
But I can't get a job 'cause someone lit it all on fire...
I got nothin' left but these ripped blue jeans,
and all the looks people give me that are just so mean...

Born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I was born in Hobbiton
I'm a cool rockin' hobbit from Hobbiton...
Old 12-29-2002, 10:32 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Shadow Earth
Posts: 5,636
okay, got one...
Mercedes Lackey does a song tape for LotR - track one:

I love that song (the original). Good job
Old 12-29-2002, 11:08 PM
MikeBoomshadow MikeBoomshadow is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1
New Line... HBO... it's all the same

After all these great contributions, all I have is a couple of script excerpts.

Fellowship of the Sopranos:
Sammie G: 'Ey, uh, Tony... that the One True Ring there?
Tony Baggins: Be a helluva thing if it weren't.

The Two Towers of Em City (a spinoff of Oz):
(Several lifers, a clique the guards have taken to calling "The Fellowship," sit on a long bench in the weight room.)
Legolas (sitting down and putting his arm around Aragorn): You got the ring?
Aragorn: No, I don't have the [censored] ring.
Gimli: I hear this midget's got it.
Boromir: [censored] midgets. Struttin' around like they [censored] own the place... someone oughtta do something.
Legolas: You do that, Warden Saruman will make you wish you'd never been born.
Boromir: Yeah? Personally, I think the warden has a thing for the little [censored].
(Frodo walks up, and climbs deftly up onto the bench next to them.)
Gimli: Someone invite you, new boy?
Frodo: What's it to ya? Like what ya see here?
Legolas: Oh, tough guy. Say, we hear one of your kind has the ring. What do ya say?
Frodo: My kind? What is that, a racial slur? Hey, we're all the same here.
Boromir: [censored]. Say that again after lights out, sweet cheeks.
(Samwise ambles over.)
Samwise: Frodo... did you... ah... take care of the... uh... problem?
Frodo (looking perplexed) Problem?
Samwise: You know... the, err, situation?
Frodo (unsure): I don't know... Oh, you mean... OH! No, I, uh...
Boromir (grabbing Frodo by the collar): You do have it, you sawed-off [censored]! You have the ring!
(A guard immediately starts moving toward them, and another...)
Aragorn: Aw, [censored], man! The [censored] guards must be Nazgul! The warden lied to us!
Old 12-29-2002, 11:19 PM
YiBaiYuan YiBaiYuan is offline
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 93
The Halfling and the Istari
ala Lewis Carroll

The Halfling and the Istari
were sitting at their mead;
Relaxing after setting-to
on a very ample feed;
and speaking of momentous things
while smoking choice pipe-weed.

The Hobbit took a long, deep draw
and blew a smoke ring grand;
of this he was quite proud, you see,
and hoped a fanfare band;
But the Wizard puffed a Sailing Ship
bound for the Undying Land.

They debated deep and lofty themes
till the rise of the Morning Star;
Such as the origins of Dragons,
did they spontaneously appear;
Such as the creation of Evil
and the nature of Iluvatar.

They spoke of Quests and Rings of Power,
of Volcanoes and many things;
Like can half-elf maids die or sail,
can Rangers become Kings;
Like whether Uruks are bred or brewed,
and do Balrogs have wings.
Old 12-30-2002, 12:38 AM
Zanzibar Zanzibar is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: San Diego
Posts: 9
Hey, don't ask, that was terrible! I must lower the bar!

Well, let me tell the story 'bout a hobbit named Fro'
Who found an evil ring, Gandalf said it had to go
"Fro', land o' Mordor is the place for rings like these!"
So Fro' grabbed his servant Sam, and he headed for the east...

Orodruin, that is... Mount Doom... Cracks o' fire...

Well, first thing ya know, ol' Boromir lost his head
Tried to take Fro's ring and ended up shot dead
Gollum's guidin' Fro' and Sam, while their friends ride off to war
And together they're a-seekin for a way to Mor-dor

Y'all count your fingers, now, y'hear!?!?
Old 12-30-2002, 12:46 AM
Liakela Liakela is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 74
Oh my God.

I love you all. For being as wrong as possible.
Old 12-30-2002, 01:15 AM
dlove dlove is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Palo Alto, CA
Posts: 3
The first and last paragraphs of David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of this trilogy, or whether that station will be held by another Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien must show. To begin my life with the beginning of the day I got the ring, I record that Bilbo had left (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and Bilbo disappeared from the party, simultaneously.

O Precious, O my soul, so may thy gold be by me when I close my life indeed; so may I, when Middle Earth is melting from me, like the Raiths which I now dismiss, still find thee near me, on my pointing finger!
Old 12-30-2002, 01:46 AM
outlawmws outlawmws is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 5
more 60's theme songs!

Sam and Frodo SING! (To the tune of, OMG, Green Acers!)

Baaaag Eeeend is the place to be!
Hobbiton living is the life for me!
Land spreading out so far and wide
Keep Mordor, just give me that country side

No, Mount Doom is where I have to go,
Tossing the ring into the lava flow
I just adore a flaming pit
Sammy I love ya, but I must get rid of it!

The orcs!

The porks!

Foul air!

Six squares!

You cover my ass!

Good-bye Rosie lass!

Crack of Dooooom, weee areeee there!!!!
Old 12-30-2002, 02:04 AM
outlawmws outlawmws is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 5
Arwin and Aragorn feel left out…

Arwin and Aragorn feel left out…

Minas Tirith is the place to be
Citadell living is the life for me!
Fiefs spreading out so far and wide!
Keep the Havens just give me that Middle Earth country side

No. Rivendell is where I'd rather be!
I get bored with Fellowship Company!
I just adore a waterfall view.
Darlin I love ya, but give me Lothlorean Avenue

The wars!

The stars!

My Crown!

My Gown!

You are my wife!

Good bye Rivendell life!

Minas Tirith, we are there!
Old 12-30-2002, 03:11 AM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28
Lennon/McCartney do LOTR again

(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Lead Vocal: Sauron the Deceiver

Help! I need a ring.
Help! Not just any ring.
Help! I'm gonna need the One Ring!

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I made a bunch of rings, and then I gave them all away.
But now those days are gone, I need the One right now
No matter where it is, I will find it somehow!

Help me get my ring, or I will frown
And if I won't get it, I'll be truly down
Help me run those Hobbits to the ground
Won't you please, please help me!

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
I can't rule dwarves with their darn rings, it sucks, you sure can say!
The only Rings that worked were those I gave the Nine
My Nazzies are my pride and joy, but now I do need mine!

Help me get my ring, or I will frown
And if I won't get it, I'll be truly down
Help me run those Hobbits to the ground
Won't you please, please help me!

The Ring's so close, so close I sure can feel its might
That hobbit came to bring the One to me at last, alright!.
But all those others, men and elves and dwarves and Ents
They don't agree for me to have the One and kick my pants!

Help me get my ring, or I wil frown
And if I won't get it, I'll be truly down
Help me run those Hobbits to the ground
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh!
Old 12-30-2002, 04:41 AM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28
Lennon/McCartney do LOTR once more

I Want To Hold That Band
(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Lead Vocal: Gollum

Oh yeh, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I see that gold band
I wanna hold that band
That precious golden band
I wanna hold that ring!

Oh please, let me touch it
It was mine once, you know
Yes please, I so crave it
So let me kill Frodo!
Oh, let me kill Frodo
I wanna kill Frodo

And when I touch it I feel happy inside
My precious sings to me, it wants me
And can't hide, it can't hide, no, can't hide!

Yeah, you got my ring there
I hope you'll understand
When I kill you just so
I can still hold that band
That pretty round gold band
I wanna hold that band
I wanna hold that band
I wanna hold that band!
Old 12-30-2002, 05:33 AM
finarfin finarfin is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 13
Originally posted by Tiktak_Kat
Downfall of the Lord of the Rings Now
[Scene: Darly lit interior of an inn room sized for Hobbits]
(Voiceover as a partially clad Hobbit ambles around aimlessly, finally going berserk and injuring himself in a bizarre gardening accident)

"I was in Bree again. I wanted a quest. And for my sins, they gave me one. And when it was over, I would never want to go on another one. After my last quest, all I could think about was going back to the Shire. And when I was in the Shire, all I could think about was me next quest. And here I was, sitting in the Prancing Pony in Bree and getting soft, while out there in their caves under the Misty Mountains, Charlie was staying hard. I had to get out of here."

[Scene: a council room in Rivendell]
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Istari. That is Elrond Half-Elven, and that is Mr. Strider. Have you ever met any of us before?
Frodo: No sir, I haven't.
Gandalf: Are you Frodo of the Shire? Assigned to the Fellowship?
Frodo: I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time.
Gandalf: And your Uncle Bilbo was involved in the assassination of the Dragon Smaug?
Frodo: I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time.
Elrond: What do you know of Sauron?
Frodo: I'm not sure I've heard much of him before sir.
(a bard is summoned and a number of lays are sung)
Gandalf: We'd like you to take Sauron's ring, travel down the Anduin, then proceed overland to Mount Doom and terminate his Ring.
Elrond: Terminate with extreme prejudice.
Frodo: Terminate his ring?
Mr. Aragorn: Terminate Sauron.

[Scene: on Anduin in elven boats]
(Voiceover as Frodo pores over books of lore)
"I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe this guys record. A Maia of Aule? Chief Lieutenant to Morgoth? Managed to destroy Numenor and escape. Nearly Conquered Middle Earth. Nearly. And now he was going to try again, and this time he would succeed. And they wanted me to travel into his stronghold and destroy his ring. I couldn't believe it."

(It would take a long time to finish this. Way too many scenes would convert so well.)
Terrific! Maybe you or someone else could make it a longer-term project to do a more lengthy version? (I don't remember the movie well enough to do more than enjoy.)

How about David Lean's film "Lawrence of Arabia"?
Old 12-30-2002, 07:08 AM
finarfin finarfin is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 13
There's been some fine stuff posted here the last few days.

Here's another brief contribution from me, with hopes that someone else will either continue or otherwisebetter it:

The Rime of the Ancient Mithrandir
J.R.R. Coleridge


The ancient Mithrandir meeteth three hobbits bidden to a birthday party, and detaineth one.

IT is the ancient Mithrandir,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

The Party-field gate is opened wide,
And I am next of kin;
The guests are met, the feast is set:
May'st hear the merry din.'

He holds him with his skinny hand,
'There is a ring,' quoth he.
'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.

The Party-Guest is spell-bound by the eye of the old wandering wizard, and constrained to hear his tale.

He holds him with his glittering eye—
The Party-Guest stood still,
And listens like a three years' child:
Mithrandir hath his will.


This has been only slightly altered from Coleridge's original, which you can read online at
Old 12-30-2002, 07:41 AM
eala eala is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 2
oh man these are HILARIOUS! is any one here a lindsay davis fan? how about marcus didius *frodo*? come on, aelia, you know you want to....
Old 12-30-2002, 08:12 AM
Evil Death Evil Death is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Posts: 1,784
"Come quick! CJ's doing Lord of the Rings!"

Did I ever tell you about that Ring that changed my life?

The one I thought, oh Lord, when I saw it lyin' in that envelope
All slim and smooth with that golden sheen, no markings
I knew that I had died and gone to ... Hobbit Heaven!

He had a real deep voice, a big-ass mace, his helmet kinda pointy
Steel gloves that fit him perfectly
Sauron wore an 800-pound cast-iron suit straight from
I dunno, what would they call it?
Moria or Dale or someplace like that? I knew it wasn’t local
Isildur said, "I got to get the Ring off that..."

He didn't have it for very long, the Ring was so wrong
It could get any Gondorian King into trouble
Can you guess what he called it?

Well ... the Precious
The Precious
Say - the Precious

It was a gold hand band, cool like the pass of Caradhras
Even after bein' thrown in the fire
Then I'll be fried, Black Speech on the side
Bilbo left the damn thing be-hind
All down to fear of Mithrandir
He called it the Precious

It was big bad evil Sauron's malice-fillin’ Rulin' power ring kinda thing
Volcano-forged, made to rule, made to bring, made to find and in the darkness bind
And if you don't take it to Barad-Dur
It'll slip right off your finger
Even if you call it the Precious
Say - the Precious

Gollum was in the Misty Mountains cold, gettin' old, eatin' fish
Three foot 4 and not an ounce of fat!
Bilbo asked, ‘What's in my pockets, cat?’
Gollum guessed hands, string and gat

His guesses were all blown, and in case you hadn't known
It was really the Precious...

Served an 80-year bid, first in Bilbo's crib
Then they took it to Mount Doom and in it went!
Brought Sauron's power to an end

That was 3021 and today, if it wasn't gone
We’d be getting et by orcs
The jewellery whose claim to fame was that they called it the Precious

The Precious...
Old 12-30-2002, 08:43 AM
Istari Inc Istari Inc is offline
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Orthanc
Posts: 28

Could someone please do
  • W.H. Auden
  • COPS
  • Emeril
  • The frugal gourmet
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