(Hollywood actor Adam Sandler is launching a singing career-The AP)
(Excerpts from Adam Sandler’s Tour Diary)
Day 1: The first day of the tour and man oh man were we hyped. We hopped on the bus and set out for Dodger Stadium where I thought we were supposed to be playing. Apparently the directions were wrong. We get there and discover that a huge crowd is waiting. For us! Unfortunately we get out on stage and the cheers turn to boos. It turns out that the crowd was there to see The Rolling Stones. I tried doing some of my funny stuff from my comedy CDs. That didn’t work. I tried singing “The Thanksgiving Song”. The boos got even louder. As a last resort I tried performing “Jumping Jack Flash” yet I forgot the words. That’s when the garbage really started flying. Lousy way to begin a tour!
Day 2: Hoping that today will be better than yesterday. Go to a small club in the Hamptons and arrive to find that we are not as eagerly anticipated as we originally thought. In fact, I could probably count the number of people in the audience on my toes. Adding insult to injury, the crowd got even smaller two numbers into the show. Inconsiderate bastards! Then I look into the audience and I see that of the 8 people remaining 5 are snoring and two of them have headphones on. I try to attract their attention by singing an Elvis number. That only causes a certain member of the audience with an Elvis haircut to come up on stage and punch me in the face. I wind up back stage with a bloody nose while that mad Elvis fan is hauled off.
Day 3: No show today. Today we leave to get to our next show in some godforsaken place in Montana. While on the tour bus, I venture into the washroom and discover that the roadies are all smoking pot. I tell them to either get rid of it or they will be fired. They say all roadies smoke pot so they should do it themselves for the complete roadie experience. When I return to the bus, the keyboardist informs me that he is quitting the band in a week because I don’t pay him enough. He says that if I don’t increase his paycheck he will join Spinal Tap. I remind him that Spinal Tap is a fictional band. He says that he meant Aerosmith or The Bee Gees or whatever.
Day 4: Today I was going through some of the reviews of my debut CD and I discovered that many of those inconsiderate critics had the nerve to suggest that I stick to “acting” (yes one of the critics wrote acting that way with the quotation marks). The nerve of them saying those unflattering things! I got a top-notch backing band consisting of the guys who provided music for the last Backstreet Boys album. I made a good selection of cover tunes as well as selecting what I thought was the best material from Diane Warren and Max Martin. What do they want from me?
Day 5: Okay today was somewhat better. We performed at the club in Montana and we had an actual audience. Yes, that audience consisted of one man and he looked like he may have been the janitor. But he stayed for the entire performance.
Day 6: Well this bites! As we were packing the tour bus to move on to the next stop, some lawyer shows up and serves the drummer with a paternity suit! It seems that the drummer got some girl pregnant back in 1981 and he’s been delinquent on child support payments. To top it off, that stupid lawyer told me that he thought that all of my films (with the exception of The Wedding Singer) were lousy! What right does some lawyer have criticizing films?
Day 7: Continuing with the tour we stopped over in White Falls Idaho, where we met up with some people who came to hear this actor attempt to sing. So I sang. However, the euphoria soon ended when one yelled “You’re not William Shatner!”
Day 8: The bus broke down and the motel we are staying in has no heater. To top it off, the record company sent a representative who has told me that they are considering terminating my contract if album sales don’t pick up soon. Shut myself up in my room and watched Saturday Night Live reruns, especially those from the 1994-97 season.
Day 20: Well it’s been 8 days since the bass player kicked the bucket due to an overdose of morphine and 5 days since the record execs called with the news that my contract is now dead in the water. Now I’m stuck here in Wyoming, waiting for someone to come pick me up and take me to the airport. The rest of the band took the tour bus and claimed that I did not deserve the VIP treatment since I didn’t show up for the bassist’s funeral. Like I really had a choice. When the record company suits say show up for a meeting you show up. So as I wait I might as well sing a little song…mumble mumble mumble…I did it myyyyy wayyyyy!