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Old 01-31-2000, 03:08 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
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Location: Gardena, CA 90248-3235
Posts: 10,569
Dopers must know quite a few of these. I here post my favorite from B.C., with the apteryx talking to a dinosaur:
APTERYX: Hi, there I am an aspirin...
(dinosaur starts laughing)
APTERYX (shouting) An APTERYX!!!
DINOSAUR: Hahahahaha...I liked you better as an aspirin!
(Apteryx walks away, then comes back to try again)
APTERYX: Hi, there, I am an aspirin!
DINOSAUR: What happened to "Apteryx"?
APTERYX: Being "liked better" is more important.
Old 01-31-2000, 06:06 PM
Max Torque Max Torque is offline
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Location: Raiderville, TX
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I know just about everyone here has professed a hatred for Garfield.....but sometimes he hits one. My favorite:

Panel 1: Jon is reading a magazine, which is lying on the table. Garfield is walking toward him.

Panel 2: Garfield is standing on Jon's magazine. They're starting at each other, bland expressions on their faces.

Panel 3: Garfield still looks bland. Jon hollers, "I was reading that!" Garfield: "Nobody cares about your past, Jon."

Makes me laugh just typing it.....
Old 01-31-2000, 06:37 PM
TripleAnt TripleAnt is offline
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Beantown
Posts: 212
Willy n' Ethel
Willy is eating a whole pizza wrapped up.
"Face it Ethel, losing that pizza cutter was the best thing to ever happen to us."

"The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet walks in, I'm gettin' outta there." ~George Carlin
Old 01-31-2000, 08:46 PM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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Location: Schenectady, NY, USA
Posts: 41,092
One of the greatest:

You have written truth, you friends of the "shadows," yet be not harsh with "Krazy.
He is but a shadow himself, caught in a web of this mortal skein.
We call him "Cat."
We call him "Crazy."
Yet he is neither.
At some time will he ride away to you, people of the twilight.
His password will be the echoes of a vesper bell, his coach, a zephyr from the west.
Forgive him, for you will understand him no better than we who linger on this side of the pale.

"East is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does." -- Marx

Read "Sundials" in the new issue of Aboriginal Science Fiction.
Old 01-31-2000, 09:03 PM
Daniel Daniel is offline
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,422
Bizaro comic, I think:

a father and his son are sitting on the edge of a pond, fishing one lazy afternoon. The son speaks up to say, "Dad, how can I have better luck with women?"

The father replies, "Son, no man has good luck with women. What you want to know is how to have bad luck with more women."

Mayor of Snerdville, the home of Mortimer Snerd

"I'm just too much for human existence -- I should be animated."
--Wayne Knight
Old 01-31-2000, 09:37 PM
Guy Incognito Guy Incognito is offline
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Bloomington, IN
Posts: 645
This one's from The Quigmans a few years back:

Andy Taylor and Barney Fife are sitting on a porch swing with their hands held out in front of them. Andy says, "Did you ever REALLY look at your hands before, Barn?"

The caption underneath: "Mayberry, L.S.D."

"It's only common sense,
There are no accidents 'round here."
Old 01-31-2000, 11:57 PM
evilbeth evilbeth is offline
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Northeast Tennessee
Posts: 4,091
Ok, these are stupid but what can I say? They are both Far Side (I think)

The first one has a station wagon full of lemmings and they're all arguing and the "Dad" lemming who is driving says, "If you kids don't sit down and shut up I'm going to drive this car right off a cliff!"

The next one shows two vultures getting on an airplane and the stewardess says, "Any luggage?" and one of the vultures says, "No, just carrion."

I can't help it, I almost cry (laughing)everytime I see those!!

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
Old 02-01-2000, 09:09 AM
special special is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 248
The Quigmans:

2 dogs are talking, one is looking thru a book called 'fun ed courses'. the other says, 'i wanted to attend the codependency workshop, but i couldn't find anyone to go with me.'

POGO: (the classic)

'we have met the enemy & they are us.'
Old 02-01-2000, 09:39 AM
Neobican Neobican is offline
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Des Moines, Iowa USA
Posts: 239
My first thought was just about any Calvin and Hobbes... I have the tenth anniversary book, while it would take WAY too long to type in all that humor I will settle for Calvins haircut.

Calvin: I cant get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back?
Hobbes: Maybe you need a haircut.
Calvin: Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want. (Calvin sits in chair while Hobbes snips away...) Boy what a great idea! Thanks!
Hobbes: This is easy! You really think your mom will pay me eight bucks? So exactly how would you like the back cut?
Calvin: Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little.
Hobbes: Wouldn't you rather have it real short?
Calvin: No, just cut it a little bit.
Hobbes: Are you sure? Dont you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short.
Calvin: Are you trying to tell me something?
Hobbes: No, I just think it should be real short... especially.. oh.. right here.
Calvin: You made a mistake, didnt you?
Hobbes: No, I can cover it up.
Calvin: Cover WHAT up? What did you do wrong?
Hobbes: Nothing. I cant help it if your head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy.
Calvin: YOUR heads gonna have "funny bumps" in a minute if you dont tell me what you did!!
Hobbes: Oops.. hold still.
Calvin: Why did you say "oops"? What did you do NOW?
Hobbes: Nothing.. lets try parting your hair from ear to ear.
Calvin: This haircut had better look good, fuzz brain.
Hobbes: You'll love it. Its kind of "new wave".
Calvin: New wave? Like how?
Hobbes: Well, sort of "punk" actually.
Calvin: Like a mohawk?
Hobbes: In some places its sort of like a mohawk.
Calvin: I want a mirror.
Hobbes: You know whats the rage this year? Hats.
(Calvin sees his haircut..)
Hobbes: Nothing a little tonic and combing cant fix.
Calvin: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MENACE! If mom sees this, she'll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?
(Hobbes wraps a cloth around Calvins head)
Hobbes: Hows that? Sort of the "Lawrence of Arabia" look.
Calvin: Sort of the "lobotomy patient" look.

I hope Bill Watterson forgives me, but that still is really funny.. the pictures just add more to it!

"Wow! Spider-Man! Are you really friends with the X-men?"
"Not since Cyclops tried to use my viewmaster."
(Marvel Team Up #1)
Old 02-01-2000, 09:44 AM
cmkeller cmkeller is offline
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: New York, NY, USA
Posts: 12,805
I have two that have been pinned to my bulletin board for at least five years:

BC: Two folks watch a third roll by on a wheel. He's holding a pane of glass in front of his face, and two snakes are attached to the pane. One of the onlookers comments to the other, "Windshield vipers."

Momma: Francis walks in on Momma cooking, and says, with a big grin on his face, "Guess what! Today my boss called me a 'First class ignoramus!'" Momma drops her pan and stares blankly for a panel or two. The smile vanishes from Francis's face, and he says, "That's not a good thing?"

And I could probably come up with dozens of Bloom County, Far Side and Dilberts that crack me up, but those two stick out for me.

Chaim Mattis Keller

"Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks."
-- Douglas Adams's Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective
Old 02-01-2000, 06:25 PM
Mentor and Liar Mentor and Liar is offline
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Posts: 161
I saw this cartoon in a magazine (Atlantic Monthly or Esquire maybe) seven or eight years ago. Oddly, there was no credit for the author or artist, and it was just sort of stuck in the back as if they were filling space. I think it is the funniest thing I've ever seen, although I seem to be the only one who feels this way. My girlfriend had it framed and it hangs in my bathroom, yes, this is how I start my day.

The cartoon is titled "Vulture: An Existential Fingerplay." There is a graphic of a vulture with a dotted circle at the shoulders where the neck and head would be and a dotted line around the whole panel. At the bottom there are four directions:

1) cut along dotted lines.
2) Insert and crook finger.
3) Hold panel over your head.
4) Think about all the things you still haven't done in your life.

This kills me, I've seen it thousands of times and I never get tired of the joke (probably I'm just too afraid not to laugh).

Old 02-01-2000, 07:11 PM
Bricker Bricker is offline
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Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 55,351
Calvin & Hobbes, running around the house playing cowboys, with pointed fingers for guns. "BANG!" "BANG!"

Calvin: "I got you!"
Hobbes: "No, you missed."
Calvin (stopping the running to argue): "Yes, I did! I got you!"
Hobbes (now standing right next to Calvin): "No, you missed me!"
Calvin: "I got you, and you're dead."
Hobbes: "I'm standing here talking to you, aren't I?"
Calvin: "All right, then." (at point-blank range with the finger) "BANG!"
Hobbes, serenely "My, what a terrible shot you are."
Old 02-01-2000, 07:18 PM
Catrandom Catrandom is offline
Join Date: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,294
From Nicole Hollander's Sylvia:

Client: I'm thinking of moving in with my boyfriend.

Fortuneteller, gazing into crystal ball: I see you trekking to Nepal in ill-fitting boots.

Client: That's a metaphor, isn't it?

Fortuneteller: 'Fraid so.

I love that

Old 02-02-2000, 10:00 AM
cmkeller cmkeller is offline
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: New York, NY, USA
Posts: 12,805
Can't believe I almost forgot this one, from Doonesbury, some time in 1988:

Roland Hedley: Mr. President (Reagan), as you look back upon your eight years in office, is there one sentence in which you can sum up the essence of your leadership?

Reagan: I don't know.

Roland: Thank you, sir.

I happen to be a big fan of Reagan's, but that one always cracks me up.

Chaim Mattis Keller
Old 02-02-2000, 10:13 AM
Ukulele Ike Ukulele Ike is offline
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Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 15,571

Dolly is hopping up and down, sad expression on her face, holding on to her cold foot.

"In the winter, nobody should go around BRRfooted!"

That Bil Keane! What a scamp! How does he come up with these rib-ticklers day after day?
Old 02-02-2000, 11:59 AM
Eve Eve is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 22,064

Who d'ya suppose came up with The Family Circus' dog's name, Barfy? That's ALMOST funny, so it can't have been Keane . . .
Old 02-02-2000, 01:36 PM
eden eden is offline
Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 388

The Devil Talks About Hell
Devil: Many people have asked me, is there glasnost in Hell?
Devil: Nope, there isn't.
Damned Soul: Many of us feel that the temperature should be lowered.
Devil: Oh really? Too bad.

Fusco Brothers

Brother 1 (in kitchen, to Brother 2): Where is the bread?
Brother 2: Top of the muffins.
Brother 3 (entering kitchen): Top of the muffins to you!
Old 02-02-2000, 01:38 PM
Eve Eve is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 22,064
"Calvin's happily walking outside in the winter. Then he stops, feels his nose, and frowns. Then he asks the reader, "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?""

—Oh, I'm pretty sure the author lifted that line straight from Noel Coward's "Design for Living . . ."
Old 02-02-2000, 03:32 PM
galgallin galgallin is offline
Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 2
From the Fusco Brothers:
Dog: "Knock knock"
Lars: "I give up"
Dog: "Lars, the proper response to a knock knock joke is not 'I give up'"
Lars: "I wasn't responding to your joke. You just happen to catch me at the exact moment, when in life, I gave up.".
Old 02-02-2000, 03:38 PM
Missy2U Missy2U is offline
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Chicago. Kind of.
Posts: 6,853
This was one that was in the Sun Times - they have it in the beginning of the Sports Section (and I don't remember what they call it) but it cracked me up.

Just one frame, and there's two guys talking. On the wall, they have the stuffed heads (trophies??) of different animals the one guy has killed. At the end of the row of a bunch is this big Pikachu head. The one guy is telling the other guy "My kids have stopped speaking to me..."

I dunno. It cracked me up! Guess you had to be there.
Old 02-02-2000, 06:14 PM
Harmonious Discord Harmonious Discord is offline
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Wisconsin USA
Posts: 16,843
Bloom County

Opus on the telephone:

"Hello. I'm from the bureau of nosy statistics. Would you answer some questions?"

"Certainly, Madam."

"What is your weight?" "36 pounds."
"height?" "2'11"."
"pants size?" "I don't wear any pants."
"and sexual preference?" "Svelete, Buoyant Waterfowl."

"Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"They're either going to arrest me or fire her."

I'm only your wildest fear, from the corners of your darkest thoughts.
Old 02-02-2000, 07:17 PM
SINsApple SINsApple is offline
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: US of A
Posts: 341
The one I have hanging on my dorm room door is from Calvin and Hobbes.
Calvin is sitting at a cardboard box turned upside down announcing his sale of a swift kick in the butt for $1.00.

Hobbes: "How's business?"
Calvin: "Terrible!"
Hobbes: Scoffing a bit "That's hard to believe"
Calvin: "I know, everyone I know needs what I am selling"

I also like Calvin's observation that if God put us on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things, at this rate "I'll never die!"

"I celebrate myself, and sing myself, and what I assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you." --Whitman
Old 02-02-2000, 08:21 PM
Jodi Jodi is offline
Join Date: May 1999
Posts: 10,786
Two of my faves, from the New Yorker, one old and one new:

A boy in a pond yells to a collie on the shore "Lassie, get help!" The next panel shows the collie on the couch at the shrink's.

From this years cartoon issue: A Eskimo family are waving from the shore at an old grannie Eskimo floating off on an ice floe, as she yells "Are you sure this is going to the nursing home?"

I don't know why I like 'em, but I do.


Fiat Justitia
Old 02-02-2000, 08:42 PM
drewbert drewbert is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 2,181
two from Bizarro:

A husband and wife talking to a house guest, as their daughter literally swings from the chandelier: "Disciplining a child is simply too much work, so we've decided just to let society do it later."

Three guys waiting for an elevator, two of them dripping wet and wearing scuba gear. One of the divers advises the third guy, "I wouldn't push anything below 'four' if I were you."
Old 02-03-2000, 12:04 AM
AWB AWB is offline
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Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 5,521
My favorite is from Calvin & Hobbes. Calvin's happily walking outside in the winter. Then he stops, feels his nose, and frowns. Then he asks the reader, "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?"

Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You'll find it an effective combination.
Old 02-03-2000, 12:45 AM
Ruffian Ruffian is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 3,561
Calvin walks up to a ringing telephone, picks it up, and says this:

Calvin: Hello, I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza.
Phone Voice: What?? Huh? I..."
Calvin: I'm sorry, you must have dialed the wrong number.
(turning to face the "camera:")
I like to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

:::sniff::: Aw, man, I miss that comic strip. Bill Watterson, where are you?

formerly known as LauraRae

I'm a Raggety Ann in a Barbie Doll world.

Laura's Stuff and Things
Old 02-03-2000, 11:31 AM
PatrickM PatrickM is offline
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Somewhere over China
Posts: 1,031
Bloom County, right after the 1984 National Meadow Party Presidential Nominating Convention, as Milo Bloom and Michael "Mad Dog" Binkley contemplate the aftermath:

Binkley: Well, it's done Milo. Bill the Cat is our official presidential canditate. And I've got a case of post-convention doubts. I mean, it's the Presidency! Wow! Leader of the Free World! Global Distruction at his fingertips! And we nominated a Dead Cat! My gosh, maybe we should've found someone with a more appropriate background! A more experienced background, MILO! WE SHOULD'VE FOUND AN AMIABLE OLD EX'"B" MOVIE ACTOR!!"

Milo: Don't be ridiculous.

Binkley: Oh, Milo, we should have called Fred MacMurray...

Cracks me up everytime.
Old 02-03-2000, 03:10 PM
The_Peyote_Coyote The_Peyote_Coyote is offline
Join Date: Apr 1999
Posts: 2,986
One of my favorites is a Gahan Wilson cartoon from the 1970s. It shows a man, wearing a tie and with his shirt sleeves rolled up, standing beneath a sign that says "Rev. Jim Bob, faith healer."

In front of him is a couple with incredible facial expressions, half sappiness and half hope. They are carrying a coffin with a young man in it.

The reverend says: "Now, just a goddam minute here."
Old 02-03-2000, 03:17 PM
AzRaek AzRaek is offline
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Denver CO
Posts: 573
More Calvin & Hobbes:

C: They say life is a cabaret, but it seems more like a tragedy or a farce.
H: We need more special effects and dance numbers

I'm not a fallen angel, I'm a risen demon.
Old 02-03-2000, 03:40 PM
Eve Eve is offline
Join Date: Dec 1999
Posts: 22,064
OK, here's one I remember from my father's Playboy, c1965:

Man lying on his back in bed, nekkid. Over one chair is a woman's dress, over another a Superman outfit. Man is looking up at hole in the ceiling and saying, "Lois . . . ?"
Old 01-27-2001, 02:36 PM
dougie_monty dougie_monty is offline
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Gardena, CA 90248-3235
Posts: 10,569
I finally remembered this one! :)

From Wee Pals: (Ralph, the neighborhood bully, approaches Oliver and Randy, playing one-on-one at the basketball hoop in the park. Ralph, as his usual menacing self, approaches Oliver and rants at him that he's 'doing it all wrong!')
Oliver: I know I did something wrong, Ralph... would you tell me what the right thing is?
(Ralph is dumbfounded and walks off sputtering to himself.)
Randy (to Oliver): Just great, Oliver!
I apologize for forgetting to post this one before. It's one of the best lines I ever saw in the comics.)
Old 01-27-2001, 02:54 PM
lawoot lawoot is offline
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Starbucksistan
Posts: 3,157
Quigmans, I think:

Sargeant (to a line of recruits): Attention I said ATTENTION!
Recruit: Sorry sir, but I have Attention Deficit Disorder. In fact, this conversation is starting to bore me

Originally posted by Ruffian
:::sniff::: Aw, man, I miss that comic strip. Bill Watterson, where are you?
Last I heard (about three years ago, I believe) he was back in his boyhood home of Chagrin Falls, Ohio (my boyhood home, too!) Trivia: Chagrin is the town that the giant Calvin is rampaging through on the back of one of the books ('Indispensible'?). The building that he is holding up is the ice cream/ candy store
Old 01-31-2001, 09:39 PM
Kilvert's Pagan Kilvert's Pagan is offline
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Southern Hoosierdom
Posts: 1,672
The one that springs immediately to mind is monologue, not dialogue, and again it's from Calvin & Hobbes, all spoken by Calvin as he strolls by his mother (who is reading the paper):

(1) Paul Gauguin asked "Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?"
(2) Well, I don't know about anyone else, but <b>I</b> came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later!
(3) (pregnant pause as Calvin's mom absorbs this...)
(4) Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?

Calvin the Giant is holding the Chagrin Falls Popcorn Shop, Chagrin's best known manmade landmark, on the back of The Essential Calvin & Hobbes. That drawing always brings back memories, not the least of which is how I got caught shoplifting at Nall's Drugstore there on the town triangle.
"An angel satyr walks these hills." - from the diary of Rev. Francis Kilvert


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