Please don’t get me wrong, I am perfectably able to tell her I love her. What I want to do is to let her know just how much she has meant to me as I have grown up and how much I want my daughter to know her well.
My grandma currently lives in WV very close to her only living sibling (my great-aunt). My great-aunt is fairly close to death, so my grandma will soon be moving. Grandma is 83 and gets around pretty well, but she is beginning to lose her sight and is a somewhat nervous driver (she was a passenger in an accident that killed my grandfather nearly 7 years ago). There is no close family in the area to help out.
So…
Grandma will soon be choosing whether she wants to move to coastal NC near my uncle or IN near my mom (and me!). She says she hasn’t yet decided where to go. She is afraid of tornados in IN and hurricanes in NC. My grandma is one of my favorite people in the world. She is funny and sweet and fiercely protective of her family. Essentially, everyone wants her to be near them.
How could I best express how much I would like to have her come to IN to live? I do not want to pressure her in any way. I just want to make my feelings clear. And while I can obviously see the advantage of her being near my mom (who is a nurse), etc. I don’t want to in any way seem to bash my uncle or his family (almost all people I adore). I also don’t want to dwell on the reason why she has to move, as my great-aunt’s death will be a major blow.
Should this only be done over the phone? Or can I do this effectively in a letter? What should I mention/not mention. I don’t want to sound like I’m selling a timeshare. What concerns should I address?
Is there any way she could spend half the year living in one place and half in the other? Is she buying her own home or actually living with you guys? I guess that would make a huge difference.
I think a letter or even a phone call just speaking from your heart would be wonderful. Don’t focus so much on trying to “win” her over but tell her all the reasons you think it would be more benificial to live near you and your mom. Reassure her you also think highly of your uncle and his family and that you will understand whatever she decides.
The best thing you can do for her is to relieve at least some of her anxieties about what must be a very difficult decision for her.
If it were me, I’d write a letter (telephone is difficult – thoughts can be better composed on paper when dealing with emotional issues, and conversation requires responses from her) telling her briefly up front how much you love her and of course you’d love to have her near you, but then reassuring her that you understand she has to make this decision for herself, and her choice will have no effect whatsoever on how much you care about her or what she means to you or her importance in your life.
Of course, the first step is to actually mean it. For me, meditation and prayer would be the way to try to remove my own desires from the equation.
If your purpose is to sway her decision in any way, then you can’t help but add pressure, despite your intentions to the contrary.
Never hit your grandma with a shovel;
it makes a bad impression on her mind.
In a better way impart all the love things in your heart -
for it’s possible she may retort in kind.
Remember Granny’s known you since a baby,
and even though in fun 'twould prove a shock.
So respect the aged head,
spare the shovel and instead-
case your dear old sweet old grandma with a rock.
Thanks so much for all your help. I’m relieved that the consensus seems to be that a letter will do. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deliver the goods on the phone.
She’s the best there ever was! When Grandpa was alive they used to spend some winters in NC and the rest of the year in West Virginia, but I don’t think she’s really up to that anymore.
My grandma does dig the mushy stuff. She’s not overly sentimental, but just when the time is right. It was kind of eerie: when my grandfather died during my senior year of college it devastated everyone. She wasn’t able to attend my graduation ceremony but had sent a card (which arrived afterwards) ahead. What she didn’t know was that I had decorated my hat to say “This one’s for you, Grandpa.” When I told her, she cried and told me to expect my card ASAP. It arrived and she had signed it from both of them (they had talked about how much to send and how proud my grandpa was of me getting a BA – only the second oe in our family).
This is the really hard part. As much as I’d love to wage a campaign akin to running for political office, I won’t do anything I know would case her to feel guilty or uncomfortable. It’s really hard to strike a balance showing how much you love and want someone without putting some sort of burden on them to make you happy.
Alas, dear Olent
I must confess
A rock to the head
Would cause too much mess.
A letter I hope
Will best plead my case
But if all that fails
I’ll whip out some mace.
And finally, BrotherCadfael, I’m sure by now you know that my dearest granny will always be welcome to park her VW in my garage!
I will assume you intend this in a thoughtful, have-you-fully-considered sort of way (though I first read it as snarky).
My grandmother has given to everyone in the family. And while I hope she never faces such problems, how could I not be willing to care for a woman who has done so much for me? If she comes and remains healthy, I already know that she will need help around the house and rides to appointments. I already told my mom that I would join the church’s seniors’ group if that were the only way to get Grandma involved (not a real sacrifice as those folks are great).
A big part of the reason I live where I do is because of family. My folks moved here from WV in 1967. I never had much family nearby as a kid, and I longed for it. I decided that when I grew up I was staying close. With the addition of my husband’s family I have a lot more relatives in the area. I never thought it would be fair to move far away and one day force my/my husband’s parent(s) to come to us if they had to be cared for or put in a nursing home. They worked hard to raise us, they shouldn’t have to give up their life to make mine easier.
I’m a caretaker by nature. I would not resent the care it would take should my grandma face dementia or even alzheimer’s. The hard part wouldn’t be the sacrifice of time, rather the loss of such a sweet and sassy personality. And that would happen no matter where she lived.
Thanks, qts. I may well have been over-sensitive when I read your message.
Thanks to all who responded to my little thread. I found myself forced to write that letter a bit sooner than I had planned. My great-aunt passed away on Friday, sooner than was expected.
I thought of your kind words as I wrote a letter in the card I sent my grandmother. I told her that I would love for her to come out my way, but that no matter where she lived, she would always be my grandma and I would love and visit her anywhere.
I also took a deep breath and seized the opportunity to tell my grandma how much I love her and why. I am sorry that I didn’t tell my great-aunt those things when last I saw her. I just thought there would be more time. I’m gonna try hard to tell people why they are so special to me from now on (instead of regretting my silence after they are gone).
