I’ve decided yesterday that that’s what I do. It’s happened too often for me to chalk it up to bad luck. So, I used to listen to LoveLine, and Dr. Drew always told girls that kept getting involved in the wrong relationships to find a relationship that didn’t feel right, and stay in it.
Well I think I’ve got one that doesn’t feel right. A painfully shy guy who confessed to my friend when he was drunk that he really likes me. But of course he’s too shy to even talk to me unless he’s been drinking. I’m going to take him out to the movies tonight. He seems like a really sweet guy and I’ve never met a guy who reads more than I do.
So this already doesn’t feel right. I keep making excuses (deep down, I must be terrified of men) like he’s 30 (I’m 22, that’s not bad right?) or he doesn’t talk or whatever. But I have to do this, if I ever want to have a normal relationship.
Will I ever get over the relationship feeling weird? At some point, will it be comfortable? Or will I have to break up with him and move onto the next guy?
How can I tell the difference between being uncomfortable because he’s emotionally available and being uncomfortable because he’s a creepy nutcase?
Are there any other ways to stop seeking out emotionally unavailable men that don’t involve therapy?
Well young grasshopper you are on the right path. The age thing may present a problem, but only if one of you can not handle it. He’s 30, so he is most likely a little more experienced than you are, and at some point may want things sooner than you. Not to step too far into the future, but men have biological clocks too you know. Some of us want children and partners to stay with for the rest of ourlives as well. Too often people thing women are the only ones who have biological clocks.
I’d say take it in stride and do what your heart tells you, not what your friends or family tells you.*
Loving someone is a learned behavior, you have to learn how to do it before you can do it “right”. Take my wife and I. We had been through it all. We met when we were both 26. and we had been the dumpor and the dumpee. We knew what pain was and we certainly knew what happiness was. I found my wife when I was not even looking for her. Nor was she looking for a man. Basically, we found each other at the exact right time. We were both in Grad School. Both living meager graduate student lives…plodding away at finding rent each month and working our asses off on our dissertations.
It just kinda happened.
I’ll say this in closing. You’ll know it when you know it. Go out with the guy, give it a few dates if need be. Make sure one question is answered by at least the 3rd date. And it is a question you ask yourself.
Does this guy make me feel comfortable, is he easy to be around, can I picture myself, being proud to introduce him as my SO? Answer those and you will be on the right path
One thing I can tell you: us shy guys suck at the beginnings of relationships. An outgoing, assertive man makes things easier on the woman because she can just sit back, go with the flow, and let him take charge of the relationship. (Yes, I know, not every woman wants to be “taken charge of,” but most don’t want the full burden of both steering the boat and pulling on the oars.) But those assertive/outgoing types include a fair number of jerks and players—and some good guys too, but they’re more likely to be taken. But shy guys can be wonderful partners once they warm up to you. You may have to give this new guy some time to get comfortable with you, but hopefully the awkwardness will eventually pass. (Though maybe it won’t; in which case you’re just not a good match for each other or he’s too shy to relate to anybody right now.)
A man who has to be drunk in order to tell a friend of yours that he likes you does not strike me as an emotionally available person.
Having said that, it is possible to go out on a couple (or one) dates with this guy and not have it develop into a relationship. Go out. See a movie. Have fun. Eat some ice cream. Thank him for a nice evening. That’s all the responsibility you have here.
Also, and I don’t mean to sound condescending, people at 22 often don’t make the right choices in partners. Everyone I know has stories to tell about the people they dated when they were under 25. My sister has stories to tell about people she dated when she was 35, but that’s another thread.
The people you date at 22 do not define you in any way.
You are still growing and developing into the person you will eventually be. I was not attracted to the same type of people at 26 as I was at 22.
While I certainly see where Hugh and BonoVox are coming from, as a 43 year old man can also see where a 30 year old shy guy might have problems asking out a 22 year old. He might just have assumed that you have a problem with the age difference, and only let slip his feelings with some lubrication. I’m not shy, but I might be relectant under similar circumstances.
I met my not-then-wife when I was 21 and she was 28, so I don’t see the age difference as a problem. Yes, you are on your way to being a different person, but one date is not a lifetime committment. 22 is not too young, nor too old, to change bad habits, if in fact you have them.
It seems to me that you need to decide in what way does this not feel right. My wife and I have a friend, who thought the same thing about the guy she’s been married to for about 15 years. Does it not feel right because he’s not cold, or does it not feel right because he’s creepy? If you can’t tell, ask friends or family. Otherwise, what’s the worst that can happen? A free dinner with a boring guy that picks his nose at red lights? What’s the best? You discover your next SO?
The guy’s shy in public; that really doesn’t mean much in terms of a relationship. He may warm up immediately when you two are alone somewhere. He may be assuming that an attractive 22-year-old couldn’t possibly be interested in his 30-year-old self. Maybe he doesn’t usually open up because he thinks the people around him can’t be trusted to keep private matters private (and hey, whaddayaknow, he’s right).
In short, the fact that he’s quiet tells you nothing about him. Go out, have fun, ask him about himself, see if you enjoy each other’s company. You know: “dating.”
And by the way, while I can see the intent behind it, “find a relationship that doesn’t feel right and stay in it” strikes me as extraordinarily bad advice.
Yeah, the opposite of “a bad relationship” might be “another bad relationship,” not “a good relationship.”
I dated a guy for three years because he wasn’t emotionally unavailable – I finally realized, fine, but I’m bored out of my mind. Now I’m looking for someone emotionally available who also makes my pulse race.
I’ve never understood how simple dating could possibly convey anything much beyond casual social compatability. And that’s assuming fraught nerves, anxiety, etc. don’t completely subvert substance.
How can anybody accurately gauge emotional openess, neediness, control-freak tendencies or whatever from first impressions? Who wants to be locked into set categories anyway? Betcha there aren’t many among us whose backgrounds couldn’t be spun toward the negative: * too slick, superficial, probably defensive, too needy, won’t commit, bad signs, iffy[i/]"?
Going out with someone doesn’t have to mean forensic testing for life-long potential. It can mean, I dunno, just getting to know the other person. Forget the freight, yours foremost. Just meet the guy on equal ground.
Maybe you’ll click romantically right off, maybe you won’t. At absolute worst–if faced fairly–you might make a friend. That’s nothing to sneeze at.
Approach it this way, seaworhthy: how do YOU want to be considered? As a possible–probable–interesting person in your own right? Somebody worth knowing better, even if it takes some time and understanding?
He probably has never really connected with anyone in the past , or has been rebuffed. All things concidered , you may be the more experienced of the two. While he may be emotionally unavailable now , should he come out of his shell, you may end up with another type of guy than you planned on.
Your both over 21 , its no longer the age , its the miles. And just out of curiousity , what is a normal relationship ?
Yes and yes. You will get over it , but if it does not work out ,your moving on.
Creepy nutcases show up within a shorter time frame, than someone thats emotionally un available.
Face it , if in your past several years of dating ,that this is the majority of the guys that you have gone out with ,then its your dating imprint. No matter what , you will always end up with some one of this nature. Maybe thats debateable , but from what I have seen , the faces change but not the personality.
What you may end up having to do , is to just pick someone and mold em to what you can live with.
