I installed a baby-gate to keep the one year old out of the kitchen. My grandfather was impressed with the workmanship, and I was pretty proud of it. It was my first real all-on-my-own home improvement type project, and his comment was “When I saw how well it was installed, I couldn’t believe it was you.”
If my grandfather was a normal human, he would have said “Good job installing that gate. I’m proud of you,” instead of “wow, I would have sworn you’d have fucked that up.”
It’s the same for my whole family. We don’t give compliments without announcing how much we expected the opposite. It’s totally fucked, and I don’t know why we do it.
Dude I wasn’t there but you may be being a little harsh. If you are not known for “home improvement” projects and you did it well then it is a suprise if you complete the first one well. Without more info I say let it go accept the compliment.
Ha, mine, too. Only it’s often closer to ‘Wow, your hair looks much better than it did last time you were over.’ The thing is, these are really genuine compliments.
Last christmas we were visiting with the in-laws. My husband happened to drive the lot of us in the family van over to a friend’s house, in the next suburb over. When we got back to the in-laws’ house, my grandmother-in-law said “My, you got us all back in one piece.” in a tone of genuine surprise. My husband has an accident-free driving record. Some families are just… gah.
Whenever anyone in my family uses a term widely considered to be an endearment, they are about to get reamed.
“Sweetheart…how could you not have seen that truck coming at us?”
"Darling, what were you thinking?"
“Oh, baby, you’re not actually going to wear that out of the house!”
It is never “Sweetheart, that’s wonderful!” If something wonderful happens, the person is congratulated and honored with the use of his or her own name.
I can (sort of, kind of) see how it’s maybe a fucked up thing your grandfather to say. But how does that make you fucked up, too? Especially if you’re realizing that it’s not a good way to be.
That’s exactly what got me thinking about how screwed up my family is. When my first response to my sister making a good decision is “wow, I wouldn’t have expected that” it’s time to do some soul searching.
For the other posters who don’t think my grandfather’s comment was particularly nasty, the point is that it wasn’t. It was completely casual, and he actually did intend to compliment me. The problem is that this is what happens in literally every discussion my family has.
My mother tells my brother that she’s happy he isn’t afraid to play against people that are bigger, stronger, faster, and meaner than him in football. I tell my mother that I’m glad she realized she was so despicably unhealthy and started losing weight. All of these comments are laced with some form of implied “see?! I was right, and now you finally see it” tone.
My family (not the ones who married in. My dad and my wife aren’t like this at all) would rather hear someone tell them “I was wrong. I should have listened to you before, and now I know to listen to you in the future,” than “I’m proud of you.”
It makes me a little sick to think about, now that I’m starting to see just how bad it is.
I drove my dad out to the airport on Monday to see a relative off on a flight. As I pulled into the parking space, dad heaved a great sigh and said. “Safe!”
I looked over at him and replied. “Yeah, but I’ve still got to drive you home.”
With my kid, I’m working on direct, focussed praise (‘I like the way you thought that through’ etc). I figure it’s too late for dad, I just have to take the piss and protect my own ego.
I think that it used to be more universal to always qualify compliments. The only one my father used to use was a “that’s my son” or “that’s my daughter,” somehow taking credit for the good action of the child. We were starved for recognition as children, as was my mother’s family, except for her older brother, who walks on water. (Just ask him or Grandma, if you don’t believe that.)
My sort-of-a-joke theory is that pride used to be taken as a serious sin, so people wanted to make sure the recepient never got a big head.
It isn’t too late. Send your sister a note and tell her how proud you are of her. Take your time composing it so that it is all positive. Tell her you love her too.
And why are we supposed to be so goddamn loyal to our family? It’s a conspiracy, that’s what it is, to make us be loyal to people we normally wouldn’t even talk to…
In case you hadn’t guessed, mine’s pretty f-ed up too.
“Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!” - Any family collective to the new spouse.
Seriously, Anaamika, I agree. There are a lot of people who cannot, or will not, accept that family is not an end-all or be-all. There has to come a point where individual good outweighs the social benefits of a family unit.
It’s one of my hot-button topics, but I think it bears repeating: being selfish is not always wrong. If that means cutting yourself off from your family, because they are an active health hazard to you, that’s what you do. Families shouldn’t be suicide pacts. And it’s particularly disturbing to me that the people I most often see or hear using the “blood is thicker than water” thinking and arguments are abusers, or victims of abusers.
Consanguinity isn’t a license for abuse, dammit. And it shouldn’t be used as one.
(Your family is effed up, really? I never knew that about you. :D)
