Mandrake: Where are you taking me?
Guano: The main gate.
Mandrake: Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!
Guano: You wanna know what I think?
Mandrake: Yes.
Guano: I think you’re some kind of deviated prevert. And I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now, move! Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking. On top of that I don’t know anything about any planes attacking Russia. All I was told to do was get General Ripper on the phone to the President of the United States.
Mandrake: Now just one second. You just said… the President.
Guano: What about the President?
Mandrake: Now, the president wants to speak to General Ripper, doesn’t he? Now, General Ripper is dead, is he not? I am General Ripper’s executive officer, so the president will bloody well want to speak to me, won’t he? There’s a telephone box over there, and the line may be open.
Guano: You want to talk to the president of the United States?
Mandrake: I don’t want to talk to him, Colonel, I’ve got to talk to him. And I can assure you, if you don’t put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of inquiry on this’ll give you such a pranging, you’ll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!
Guano: Ok. Go ahead. Try and get the president of the United States on the phone. Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano pushes it back open. If you try any preversions in there I’ll blow your head off.
Mandrake: (places coins in the slot and dials Operator) This is Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, I’m speaking from Burpleson Air Force Base. Look, something very urgent has come up and I want you to place an emergency person to person call with President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon, Washington D.C. Aaaa… Burpleson3-9180. No, I’m perfectly serious, operator, the President, yes the President of the United States. I’m sorry, I haven’t got enough change. Um, could you… could you make this a collect call, operator? Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks on. Just one second, operator. to Guano They won’t accept the call. Have you got fifty-five cents?
Guano: Well, you don’t think I’d go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do you?
Mandrake: Operator, look, ah… is it possible to make this an ordinary… ordinary trunk call? Well, what do you call it… you know, ah… raps on phone box with knuckles oh, ah… station to station. counts change in his palm Oh, blast. Still twenty cents short. Operator, hold on one… ah… I shan’t keep you a second. to Guano Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Guano: That’s private property.
Mandrake: Colonel, can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun! That’s what the bullets are for, you twit!
Guano: Ok. I’m gonna get your money for you. But if you don’t get the President of the Unites States on that phone, you know what’s going to happen to you?
Mandrake: What?
Guano: You’re going to have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company.
