I just came back from a five-day vacation in Minnesota, where the sun is shining, the Germans are snuffing, the entire fucking state is gorgeously verdant, and the bass are biting (but only for my cousin’s new Scottish husband, who had never fished a day in his life, the bastard, but I like him anyway).
For those of us with no lives, the most fascinating question about the state is this: Just how many fucking lakes are there, anyway, you indecisive bastards, and by the way, can I have some more snuff? Hey guys, am I supposed to tip the snuff girl?
HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW
[ul]
[li]There are far more than 10,000 lakes.[/li][li]Every man, woman and child in the state is aware of the discrepancy between the state motto and the real number of lakes.[/li][li]Nevertheless, most of them concede that “Land of 10,000 Lakes” is catchier than “Land of 12,000 to 15,000 Lakes, where Nobody can Agree on the Damn Number, but the Important Thing is that You Can Catch Your Dinner in Most of Them if You’re Sober Enough, Which You Won’t Be.”[/li][li]Every Minnesotan will give you a different number, but it’s always between 12,000 and 15,000.[/li][li]The difference between a lake and a pond is mostly arbitrary.[/li][li]The walleyes of Mille Lacs are laughing as they tell stories of my drunken ineptitude.[/li][li]The Germans of Minneapolis are crying as they tally the damage I’ve done to the city’s supply of Spaten Oktoberfest au-Marzen.[/li][li]I missed an umlaut there. C’est la vie.[/li][/ul]
THESE QUESTIONS REMAIN
[ul]
[li]Seriously, guys, how many lakes are there?[/li][li]Do man-made lakes, like the Centennial Lakes in Edina, count?[/li][li]How many ponds?[/li][li]What are the exact criteria for differentiating a lake and a pond, anyway?[/li][li]What are the ponds, chopped liver? Are they not fine places to play hockey in the winter? Why no love for ponds?[/li][li]Are you, in fact, supposed to tip the snuff girl? How much?[/li][li]Why did nobody tell me you can get fish tacos at Central Lakes Park?[/li][li]Does the withholding of this information from vacationing San Diegans count as cruel and unusual punishment?[/li][/ul]
Godspeed, Dopers.