OK, folks, this is it. The ultimate yet unspecified threat to the very survival of the planet, and more importantly, the conclusion of the SEC football schedule, has reared its ugly head. You are our last best hope for victory, but you are not alone.
You have five (5) Mystic Orbs of Summoning (TM, patent pending, all rights reserved) that you may use to assemble a team of heroes to save us all. You, and you alone, control the Orbs, and you may use them at your own discretion, subject to the following restrictions:
You may only summon fictional characters, who will arrive with their powers and abilities as described in the fictional universe they call home.
Gods, and functional equivalents thereof, are not subject to the power of the Orbs. This includes the Q.
You may summon one, and only one, character from any particular fictional universe.
Note that the threat is unspecified. It may or may not involve military, magical, temporal, mental, physical, psychological, chemical, biological, technological, or other challenges. Your team should be well rounded enough to face any challenge. You should also consider the personalities involved, and their ability/willingness to work in a team.
Post-Crisis, Pre-Zero Hour Mon-El (DC comics) - all the power of a pre-Crisis Kryptonian, no inconvenient weaknesses (save a vulnerability to magic, but that’s easily shored up by teammates). Also the first (and least obnoxious) person to rewrite the timeline with a single punch.
Merlin the Magician (take your pick which one - go with Merlin, if we’re not restricted to within the timeline of the fiction itself) - mostly there just to shore up Mon-El (and the rest of the team) on the magical front.
Starscream, G1 universe (Transformers) - Literally unkillable - though not indestructible - and with the ability to possess other beings (only shown 3 times that I can think of offhand, and one of which resulted in his utter humiliation, but still, a useful power). His penchant for treachery could be a problem, but while his Spark can’t be destroyed, if the other indestructible Spark we know of can be taken as a guide (it’s possible it can’t - Screamer’s a mutation, whereas Rampage was a deliberate creation), he can be…coerced. Through torture, to be sure, but, hey, this is the fate of the world, we’re talking. Merlin could probably be useful here, too.
The Doctor (Doctor Who) - He’s really quite clever. And time travel is never to be sniffed at in these situations.
Sherlock Holmes (er…you know where he’s from, yes?) - Someone needs to figure out what the hell is going on that we need to save the world from, after all.
Dr Manhattan. Hopefully doesn’t count as a god. Is an explanation really necessary?
Reed Richards. Good at superscience. Stretchy ability might come in handy.
Willow Rosenberg at end of season 5. Magical abilities at peak, but not yet insane.
River Tam. Able to defeat dozens of rage zombies with bare hands. Also psychic. Also may help provide Dr Manhattan with motivation to help humans. (She’s a sexy girl many years his junior.)
Gamera. Motivated to help Japanese children, who would perish if the planet was destroyed. If threat is human sized will step on it. Otherwise can function as counterweapon to invading armies.
Hmmm; personality matters as much as ability. Some of the better picks in terms of power wouldn’t bother to save anyone.
1 : The Steel General of Creatures of Light and Darkness. Eternal upholder of the underdog, cyborg, master of temporal fugue ( combat time travel ). And comes with his “horse” Bronze who can cross the universe and break continents. In case some strongarm stuff is required.
2 : Reed Richards for supertech.
3 : The “Brennan-monster” of Protector, a human in Protector form. Superhumanly smart, instinctively devoted to defending humanity. Turning him/it loose on Reed’s technology should be interesting.
4 : Teela Brown of the Ringworld novels. Because her psychic luck is good against just about any threat. Just have her hang out at World Defense Headquarters.
5 : Doctor Strange. Just in case it’s not a science based threat. Handling supernatural world threatening nasties is his job.
1 : The Steel General of Creatures of Light and Darkness. Eternal upholder of the underdog, cyborg, master of temporal fugue ( combat time travel ). And comes with his “horse” Bronze who can cross the universe and break continents. In case some strongarm stuff is required.
2 : Corwin of Amber. He’s fond of Earth, and can just go off into Shadow and get all sorts of interesting things and people if they happen to be needed.
3 : The “Brennan-monster” of Protector, a human in Protector form. Superhumanly smart, instinctively devoted to defending humanity. A chance to study the Steel General’s built in tech should give him lots of toys to deal with any enemies.
4 : The Prophet of Mike Resnick’s trilogy of the same name; she can see potential futures and choose which one comes to pass. Which can include warheads accidentally exploding, hearts failing, or asteroids impacting planets she doesn’t like. Who normally wouldn’t bother to try to save Earth, but since her main problem is total alienation from normal humans ( and even animals; she creeps them out ) I’d recommend Corwin bribe her by offering her a trip to a Shadow full of people who like a being like herself.
5 : Doctor Strange. Just in case it’s not a science based threat. Handling supernatural world threatening nasties is his job.
Gandalf, for wisdom and some magic use. But mostly wisdom. Stuck with a bunch of second graders running about a mine field, he’d figure out how to calm them. Also handy enough with a sword to slay a flame of Udun. Usually has some good weed on hand.
Superman, Kal El, Clark Kent. In the event muscle, speed or just plain kick ass is needed. Sorry Bats, but we don’t know what to prepare for.
R2-D2. Won’t be able to communicate, but will still be everyone’s best bet when all looks hopeless and will be able to hack any computers.
Captain Kirk. We might need a bullshit artist of galactic proportions. Plus, unbeatable in a fight once his shirt is torn.
Dr. Stephen Strange. Unlike Gandalf, willing and able to use truly kick ass magic whether needed or not. Comes complete with an arsenal of wicked magical artifacts. Skilled at hand to hand combat and has better than average first aid skills and can still write prescriptions.
Hmm…perhaps I should swap Merlin for Dr Strange as my magic user. It does eliminate the typical Merlin’s more enigmatic side (and Merlin-Merlin’s current inexperience and naiveté). And ups the sex-quotient, if that’d be useful. (Not that Mon-El, Screamer, and the Doctor (especially Nine and Ten) don’t attract their share of wet panties.)
And I need a good looking female to do that for those who wouldn’t respond to Strange. She can replace Holmes as his need is kind of obviated by the Doctor, honestly. Hard to come up with a skill-set the other four choices don’t actually cover, other than sex appeal for straight guys and lesbians, though.
Ahah! Agatha Heterodyne (Girl Genius)… A slightly different tech niche than the Doctor, and even with the overlap, she’s more willing to build something that’ll go nuts and kill everything in sight, which could definitely be useful. Plus she’d be good for just confounding the everloving hell out of the enemy when she goes all madgirl.
Mon-El is totally a better choice than Superman, though…the version I chose has all of Superman’s powers, but has been given a serum which both eliminates his lead weakness (Daxamites’ equivalent to Kryptonite), and his need to absorb yellow sunlight to power his powers…making him Superman Only More So. His post-ZH equivalent, Valor/M’onel is similar, though I’m not sure about the sunlight, thus not choosing him, though he’s my favourite version.
So, yeah…new lineup…
Mon-El - sheer power. Starscream - possession ability and immortality. The Doctor - tech, time travel, tactics. And detective skills, but that doesn’t start with a t, so it’s a new sentence. Dr Strange - magical offence and defence, keeping Screamer on task. And sexing up opponents who respond to men. Agatha Heterodyne - tech, gross indifference to sentient life, scary and confusing to anyone who isn’t Gil Wolfenbach. Looks really hot in Victorian underthings.
Superman - You can’t go wrong picking Superman. Nearly indestructible, strength, & speed.
Data from Star Trek. The brains of the outfit plus fighting ability & hard to kill.
Willow from Buffy to cover our magical needs. Heck, she had a good showing against a god once.
Pak Brennen, stole this from earlier, but now that he’s been mentioned it’s hard not to include him. Also with the brains & strength & speed.
Ender Wiggen our leader. Whether it’s leading our troops, or leading our fleets, a master of strategy.
Thrall from Warcraft3. His first response to meeting a god which was responsible for enslaving his race was to hit it with a fucking hammer. His first response to meeting the god who was the boss of the first god was to tell it to go fuck itself, and zap it with a lightning bolt. Thrall doesn’t give a crap who you are or how strong you are or how likely he is to win, he’ll tear you apart or die trying. And he’s pretty strong.
Inspector Gadget is the luckiest possible person ever. He might win with luck when others fail with strength.
Professor X would be the thoughtful super-psychic voice of reasonableness, because reasonability is not a word. If the threat was some kind of deception, Professor X would see through it.
Zeratul from Starcraft makes the cut, in case the threat required infiltration. The guy is invisible and packs a mean punch.
MacGyver rounds up the list, since we obviously need an engineer, and there is no greater engineer in all of fantasy-land.
1.) Jack Bauer (24)- Apparently impossible to kill. Ruthless and aggressive, and a good first response to any military style threat. Plus, doesn’t need sleep. You can’t underestimate those 3am threats!
2.) The Terminator (Arnold in T2) - He and Bauer will handle anything involving a modern military threat with ease. I would pick those two against any country in the world, should the threat be an evil government.
3.) The Hive Queen (Enderverse) - An army of insect minions would be really helpful, even if they are the pathetic ones we have on earth. Maybe she can find a way to start pumping out her own brand of bugs to use as soldiers and manufacturers. We’d have our own army in no time.
4.) Jean Luc Picard (…) - He’ll handle leadership and anything involving politics, negotiation/diplomacy, subversive schemes, etc. Plus he can royally wreck Klingons and Borg in case that happens to be the threat. I’m particularly sure that the unnamed threat is Borg. Inside information.
5.) Spider-Man (Marvel) - Not necessarily needed, but he provides super powers and super technological/scientific brilliance. Plus, he could replicate his experiments and make me into another Spider-Man, which I would much appreciate.
Maybe 1 and 2 are a little redundant. I guess I could skip on one of them to include a ridiculously, stupidly, overpowered wizard type, Like Raistlin from Dragonlance. All we’d need are some anti-depressants and a large gift certificate to Hot Topic and I think he’d be more than willing to lend a hand and not kill us all. Technically I just picked six. Okay, no Raistlin, I won’t be able to handle his whining and emo nonsense. I’ll take the Genie from Aladdin. The freed genie, so we don’t have a limit on his powers. Arnie, Hive Queen, Picard, Spider-Man, Genie. Done. I’m a risk taker, the threat won’t involve time shenanigans (though if it did, Picard would find the requisite space-time anomaly to save us). I’m good! I just saved us all.
Just for fun, what if the threat isn’t evil? What if the threat is too much good, and evil needs to whup some butts to balance things out again? Like if universal health care passes and there’s too much peace, love, and harmony in the world? (Just kidding, calm down) There are two sides to every coin afterall. Here’s my evil 5.
1.) Voldemort (Harry Potter) - He’s got magic down pat, and he definitely inspires loyalty. He’s a good start.
2.) Apocalypse (Marvel) - I don’t even know what his powers are, he’s just evil and powerful. I’d go with Galactus here, but he’s probably too close to a god figure.
3.) Darth Vader (…you know this, you do) - Don’t think this needs any explanation.
4.) T-2000 (Terminator) - Infiltrator assassin extraordinaire.
5.) Georg… I kid, I kid.
5.) Neltharion/Deathwing (Warcraft) - He’s a giant fiery dragon that could basically destroy the world. I’m okay with this choice. An alternate from this universe could be the Lich King. Bonus points to him because he was once a paladin, so he might still know how to bubble, and thus, is impossible to defeat by any method whatsoever. Or I could go with anyone who plays an alliance character in World of Warcraft. Bonus points for them because they’re probably more evil than anyone on this list. With this group, the world lay in great peril.
John Steed from the Avengers. All teams of superfriends need a charismatic leader and Steed has suave coming out of his armpits. Plus, if combat is needed, some pretty young thing in hot pants is obligated to turn up
John Rambo from Rambo III. Combat. He took out the entire Soviet War Machine with a bow and arrow. I was going to go with Conan, but he might be a little out of place in the 2st century.
Sapphire from Sapphire and Steel. If the SEC championship game has been scheduled for a weekend when you have to be at your mother-in-laws, her time manipulating ability might just save the day.
Kaylee from Firefly. In every evil plot to blow up the world, there’s always a bomb to defuse, or a vehicle has to be repaired, you know the score. Having a mechanic seems like a good idea. Plus, she looks awfully cute in greasy coveralls.
Virgil Tracy, pilot of Thunderbird 2. Logisitics is the key to any conflicy and modular heavy lift vehicle could be just the ticket.
I think I’m the first one with no comic book characters
I humbly suggest we split this into two different scenarios—one for the relatively mundane, Earth-based threats, and one for more “Cosmic” level threats to the planet.
The latter would be more appropriate for demigodly characters (The Doctor, Dr. Manhattan, Crystal Dragon Jesus, etc), and the former for the likes of James Bond, Batman, Steve McQueen, etc.
