I guess I am emotionally unavailable, since that’s what people keep saying about me. I just got called that again, buy the billionth guy. But I don’t really understand what this means.
I spent plenty of time with my SO and keep in good contact. Indeed, I have to work a bit to keep myself from being too available. I’ll gladly talk about my childhood, things that I’m passionate about, and other close-to-home topics. I don’t like to have too much mushy “let’s talk about our feelings” time, but I am very affectionate. I’m an actions-speak-louder-than-words type. I’m fine with long-term relationships, although I do find they tend to fizzle out.
So what does it really mean? How can I make myself more “emotionally available?” Is that even a good thing? Don’t we need to hold something back for ourselves?
Well, to me, being emotionally available means that you are available and responsive to the other person’s emotional needs. In the OP, you mentioned a lot of things that you do to share yourself with the other person, but are you also finding that he shares himself with you? (On an emotional basis, I mean.)
If I told someone that they weren’t emotionally available, I think I would mean that at times that I needed emotional support or someone to listen to me and care about my feelings, the other person seemed cold or uninterested. Or at least less interested than I would like. That’s just my interpretation, though.
PS: I’m just going to nerd out a little here and say that when you went through your list of things you do to be a decent girlfriend, it really reminded me of the Star Trek: the Next Generation episode where Data is going out with a woman, and they’re having the break-up conversation, and he lists a bunch of stuff he has done that most people would consider to be good boyfriend behavior, and says, emotionlessly, “Am I not a solicitous mate?” This is probably unhelpful but I’m sharing it anyway.
That’s what I would mean. But I was once accused of being emotionally unavailable by someone who said that, though I would listen to HER problems, I wouldn’t share MINE; to her, that bespoke a lack of trust.
When a man is called emotionally unavailable, I know exactly what it means; when a woman is called that, I just don’t know.
A man who is emotionally unavailable will want to continue dating other women months and months into the dating, instead of either committing or moving on. He won’t make an effort to contact a woman unless it’s convenient for his schedule… he won’t put himself out and he isn’t driven to spend time with her. He doesn’t care if she’s seeing other men. He won’t do any of the thousand and one things that say “we’re a couple”. He refuses to talk about long term plans, especially ones that might interfere with other things in his life… oh, basically just watch the first couple seasons of Sex and the City. Mr. Big is emotionally unavailable. He’s fun and romantic only when it suits him.
Emotionally unavailable can mean that you’re not attending to the others persons needs in a way that is meaningful to them. Your comment “I’m an action speaks louder than words” person hit home. My husband is a action speaks louder than words- flowers, cups of tea, small gifts- all quite lovely. But y’know what? I’m a words person- I want to hear the words I’m sorry or I love you or you matter to me or whatever. So I work really hard make sure I see the love and affection in his actions and he meets me halfway by remembering to say what I need as well.
My point is, someone who gives to the other person in away that isn’t meaningful to them may come off as emotionally unavailable, because despite your efforts that person’s needs aren’t being met.
Like, are you the type who reads and text-messages all the time, such as when you’re on a date?
Do you find yourself answering more questions than asking them?
You say you’re affectionate. What does this mean? Are the guys you are with into PDA while you are not?
Do you come across as an empathetic listener? I have a hard time with this myself. I can act appropriately in most interpersonal interactions, but the moment someone has a problem, I just don’t know how to handle it. I’ll say “I’m sorry” a million times and then try to get the hell away as fast as possible. The other day a coworker who likes to spill her beans to me said, very casually, that she had miscarried over the weekend. Uh…um…I just felt like I wanted to bust out of there. But she was in my office! So I just said, stone-faced no doubt, “Oh, that sounds so bad. I’m so sorry.” Fortunately she knows I’m not very emotional so she probably didn’t expect much more than that. But I know if I had been like one of her friends, I would have been more expressive and shown more sorrow than I did. “Sorrow” just isn’t something I can simulate very well. Could you be the same way?
They are basically saying you dont dig them the way they want to be. They cant push your buttons like they desire. And they arent fulfilled by your emotional independence. Tough for them.
That sort of person wants an irrational emoter. Thats not you, right? So its your fault? Ha! Ditch em.
Some people like drama. Most of us spend our 20’s either being that person or dating that person (or both). We tend to grow out of it in our 30’s. I think perhaps you’re just a bit accelerated in your learning.
Why does genitalia matter when it comes to being evasive and noncommittal?
Actually, I think your definition is probably the most applicable one. I am hesitant to use words like boyfriend and girlfriend (seems so middle school) and do get pretty freaked out when talking about the future. I’ll fully admit that I tend to avoid big questions, like to take things as they come, and am not ready to shove whatever it is that I have with someone into some kind of mold of a “relationship.”
This particular guy is not saying it in a bad way, and he admits to being pretty much the same. I think he feels like he met his emotionally unavailable soulmate. Maybe not a great foundation for a relationship, but us emotionally unavailable people gotta be with someone, why not each other? What struck me, though, is that I’ve heard variations on this theme through my entire dating life, and I’m just now realizing everyone has said pretty much the same thing about me. I think it must be at least partially true.
What’s with all the accusations of holding out on sex? What would that have to do with “emotional unavailability?” Is this coming from a general perspective that any trouble a guy has with a girl must be actually a lack of sex?
Trust me, that’s one form of closeness I have no problems expressing to my SO. Actually, this new guy is starting to joke about feeling like he’s being used for sex or being seen as a piece of meat. I think he’s joking now, but I’ve had guys seriously get upset about that in the past. I’m not sure how to avoid going down that road while still fulfilling my healthy enthusiasm for the practice. How do you let a guy know you value other parts of him as well?
I think it’s part of the general stereotype that men are less emotionally dependent and less prone to having their feelings hurt than women – when usually the exact opposite is the case from what I can see. Guys are so ronery – women generally don’t understand how ronery men really are.
It’s not an accusation. And yes, since a lot of guys are primarily interested in sex more than any other single factor in terms of their relationships with women, any complaint from the that type of male is likely related to sex in some manner.
