Here’s the situation: The mom has passed away. The dad is doing Ok, but needs help around the house. The house is really too big for him and he’s older, so yard work and such is difficult. He currently has a reverse mortgage. He has suggested to his son and daughter-in-law that they buy the house and move in. He would keep living there until his death or he needed to go to a care facility. Unless there’s an accident or illness, there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t live another 15+ yrs.
It seems to me, that if the son and his wife purchase the home from the dad, they now own the home, and they should be able to move into the larger master bedroom with bath. The father would move into a smaller second bedroom.
The other thought is that the father has been living in this house for many years and it would be wrong to make him move out of “his” room into another room in the house. Our of respect for him being the father, the couple should take one of the second bedrooms and live there until such time as the father is not longer living there.
I am wondering what everyone else’s thoughts are on this type of situation. For the record, this is not my situation. It is loosely based on a friend’s situation.
They are doing him a favor (in several different ways) and they own the house if they buy it plus there are two of them and only one of him. I say they get the Master suite.
I don’t think there’s a right answer to this question. A dad who lived in that room all his adult life with his wife and who would feel her death again if he moved out of their marital bedroom, and who is slipping into dementia and sometimes forgets things, would influence things in one way. A master bedroom that’s the only bedroom in the house large enough to hold a double bed would influence things in another way. This sounds like something to figure out within the family, before the house is purchased.
I’d say that if they can’t work this and all other related issues out ahead of time, with agreements that everyone, especially the daughter-in-law, is happy with, that the entire thing is a bad idea. I’ve seen more than a few similar situations where the parent was unable to treat their middle-aged child as an equal, with the same rights and decision making powers as themselves.
Too many variables to answer simply. Yet another one: Maybe the elderly father is starting to have trouble with his joints, and would have an easier time with a first-floor bedroom. Or maybe he’s having prostate trouble, and would really appreciate the room closest to a bathroom. Maybe one party or another really doesn’t care what bedroom they get.
All three of them need to get together and come to a mutual agreement on this, and if they can’t, then their relationship is bad enough that they really shouldn’t be moving in together at all. This is the sort of thing that reasonable adults can work out on their own.
If it’s Dad’s idea, the couple could gently suggest that while they like the idea, they don’t think they would have enough room in the spare bedroom. Maybe Dad will offer up the master on his own.
If the son owns the house and is the chief provider for his Dad then he is entitled to the master bedroom should he want it.
However, if the Dad has medical conditions that requires frequent trips to the bathroom, or other special medical equipment that fits easier in the master bedroom then for the sake of comfort he should probably stay there.
But then, you mention that he only needs a little help and potentially has 15+ years left in him, then I think that this living arrangement is bad for all concerned. At this point he should use the money from selling the house to move to a smaller home in a retirement community. That way he can still get access to routine help in a community with others who are at his same place in life. Everybody would be happier.
Since the son will be purchasing the house, there isn’t a benefit to the son, nor the wife. Living with parents/in-laws can be a strain even in the best of circumstances. What benefit do the son and wife have in this situation? The dad should show his appreciation by moving into the guest room.
If instead the dad let the son live in the house for free, then I could see letting the dad stay in the bedroom. The son is getting to live rent-free, so there would be some equality to letting the dad keep the nicer bedroom. However, the wife may not be so keen on this. While the son may be willing to take on great sacrifices for his dad, the wife may not be happy to do the same.
Because IMHO the son is more likely to give in to requests his dad makes that his wife would not be happy with. If she says “There’s no way I’m moving into the 8x10 second bedroom” while the dad says “Of course I’m staying in the master bedroom” then the entire deal is a non-starter. The son trying to convince his wife to give in on that will only lead to much larger family problems.
When my mom passed away my dad decided to move in with my sister (I was the back up choice). He most emphatically did NOT want to live in a “smaller home” or “retirement community” or “assisted living”. He wanted to live with family. Which makes sense because he had lived with family all of his life, actually never living on his own as a single person.
My sister, her husband, and dad worked out living arrangements in the home so that every one had privacy. Dad very much could have 15+ more years in him (we certainly hope so) and I have to say the arrangement worked out VERY well for all concerned. Should my sister and her husband, who are both a decade older than me and starting to have health issues of their own, no longer be able to maintain the home or whatever (my sister has had some VERY nasty health scares recently) it’s already pre-arranged that dad can come live with me and mine, similar arrangement.
Of course, this won’t work in every family but it certainly can work in some. Really, this is such a situation-dependent sort of thing that I would hesitate to make blanket recommendations.
If you are keeping score this early, it’s not a good sign.
Arrangements like this can be wonderful, but basically everyone has to be in 100% generosity mode. Especially in this situation, where it seems like the couple is getting very little benefit. Even if they get the master bedroom, is that really going to make them happy? I would place my bets that third soon find something else to be resentful about.
If there is a reverse mortgage on the property, doesn’t it then belong to the bank next? How would anyone else even have the right to buy it from the father in the first place? Or am I grossly misunderstanding reverse mortgages?
A “master” bedroom (with bathroom) and a “second” or “guest” bedroom (presumably with access to a bathroom somewhere) have been mentioned.
A typical (especially older) family house would have one larger and two (maybe three) smaller bedrooms, with one to two-and-a-half baths, and two of the smaller bedrooms next to each other.
My suggestion would be that Pops keeps the master bedroom that he’s been using, and that two smaller bedrooms be combined into a suite for the son and daughter-in-law. Even just installing an internal door between the two rooms would do; you’d have a bedroom and a dressing or sitting room.
This would have to be re-visited if grandchildren come into play, but that would be so under any living arrangement.
I don’t really understand reverse mortgages myself, but it seems the bank basically owns the house, but as long as the person holding (not sure that’s the right term) the reverse mortgage is still living in the home, that person has control over whether and to whom the house is sold as long as the terms of the sale cover the amount paid out so far by the bank + closing costs and fees.
In case anyone cares, the whole master bedroom issue hasn’t been discussed as far as I can tell. My friend only just told me it was something her FIL mentioned to her and her husband and they were looking into it. I was just thinking about it and decided to ask everyone here their thoughts, because I wondered what I would expect if I was in that situation.
I guess it depends on how small the second bedroom is. If it can barely contain a double-bed and there’s hardly any closest space, then it would be unfair to have two people crammed in there when they own the house. I think even the most easy-going spouse would have the right to feel inconvenienced by this. What’s the point of owning a house if you get the crappiest bedroom?
However, if the second bedroom isn’t that much smaller, or any downsides associated with it can be addressed at minimal expense, then I think the two should try to make this work (assuming the father doesn’t just let them have the master bedroom). Most of my sympathies go with the couple. But it’s gotta be tough transitioning into a new role as “old man”. Might be nice to have one constant thing in his life to hold onto. But this means he needs to not give them a hard time about anything else…ever. I hope the two have good luck with that!
The one thing I would say is that if Dad potentially has another 15+ years in him, the son and his wife had better be sure, first of all, that their relationship with Dad is comfortable enough so that just living with him isn’t going to seem like an endurance test. And that includes the part about living in the smaller bedroom, if that’s what they agree on.
Like Broomstick says, this sort of arrangement would work well for some families, but not for others. You have to know yourself - and your relatives - well enough to know which it is more likely to be.
I agreed with what some others have said. But sides have a legitimate argument in their favor and there’s no automatic right answer. And if they can’t work out an acceptable agreement over an issue like this, sharing a house is a bad idea.