I know a guy who hit 50 last year and is still living with his mom. He has never moved
out on his own. He had a full time job until the recession but has just been working part-time
since then. Even with the improving economy he shows no interest in finding full time work.
He spends all his money on his hobbies and has no savings at all. Recently the
right headlight of his ancient car went out and he wasn’t able to fix it until the end of the
month when he got paid. His mom is now over 75 and I’m beginning to wonder what’s going
to happen to this guy when his mom passes away.
Have any of you ever known someone like this? What happened to them when
their parents were no longer there to provide a roof over their heads or
bail them out when they got into financial trouble?
Does he get to inherit the house when his mum dies? If so, I see very little problem. He doesn’t sound like the world’s greatest money manger … but then, plenty of people who live by themselves aren’t great money managers too.
If there are other siblings/family members with a claim on the estate, they may just agree to let him live there till he dies, and not split the property till then. That’s a fairly common solution to the issue.
I’ve got two siblings and an aunt that lived with my grandmother their entire lives, and yes, I worried - all too often, they proved unable to manage simple household tasks without her (We’re talking three adults with 6 college degrees between them, all working full time). She passed away about 10 years ago now.
On the one hand, they have sort of stepped up since she passed - the bills get paid, and the taxes but this sort of highlights their immaturity. My grandmother left about $5000 in a household account when she died and they paid the utilities and taxes from that for over three years. When my aunt told them the money had finally run out, my siblings accused her of swiping some, since surely it should have lasted forever. :rolleyes: They finally came around after the cable was cut off.
Still, the house is gradually falling apart around them because despite a household income of over $100k between the three of them, they can’t manage to set aside a reserve fund for larger repairs - it has foundation damage, the garage should be condemned, and it’s got ongoing plumbing and electrical problems.
I had an uncle who lived with Mom until she died. They shared incomes and expenses, although it was tough when her income stopped and he could no longer work.
They shared interests and many pursuits, and it seemed to work out. They even bought a 6-plex together (the one they were living in) as an investment.
My brother lived with my mom until she died. Brother has essentially no social skills and never held a job more demanding than a paper route. My mom saved very well for her retirement, but never retired. When mom died, my brother got the house and the rest of the estate was split 50/50.
That was a couple years ago. He’s managed fine since then. He can handle the financial obligations okay; his only hobby is going to estate sales on Saturday mornings. I think he plans to sell the house and move into a condo (he hates yardwork). If he’s frugal, the money from my mom could last him the rest of his life.
You aren’t going to change anybody. My only advice is to talk about it while the people involved are still alive. I’m sure those are tough conversations to have, but I wish my mom had talked to me about it before she passed away.
I have seen they sort of ‘absorb’ their parents house as their own when the parents health is failing. Eventually getting the primary space as the parent(s) need to have a section of the house made more for their needs. It actually seems to be working for some.
Keep in mind that “18 and out” is very much a recent phenomenon, specifically post-WWII U.S. when manufacturing was at its peak and you could get a decent-paying, unskilled job right out of high school.
I had an aunt who lived with my grandmother until my grandmother died. She even raised her kids there. She’d occasionally work, but never really supported herself. I’m not sure why - she was reasonably intelligent and had some basic skills that allowed her to get a slightly-better-than-minimum-wage job. I think she just didn’t much want to work and my gram didn’t throw her out.
When gram died, the house was sold to pay off a reverse mortgage, and aunt had to find someplace to live. She took it well as far as I could see; gram didn’t die suddenly, and aunt knew she’d have to deal with it when it happened. She ended up finding an low-income apartment through some kind of social group and lived the rest of her days there.
Weird, but overall, it helped to have her there in my gram’s later years.
This is a very modern, country specific idea(that children must leave at age 18 and establish their own home).
In most of the world and for most of human history the children or family/descendants would expect to inherit and dwell in the house, hell people would be expecting it and would construct the house accordingly.
The question isn’t really asking about socially healthy family units, though. To add context, it’s essentially asking about a subset of people who continue to live with their parents because of some likely social or occupational deficit that is inhibiting them from true self-sufficiency. Someone who had a functional work and social life but lives at home for other reasons (particularly if it’s common in their culture) is outside the scope of the thread.
My second cousin lived with his Dad until his dad was 75+ and he was 45+ years old.
Why?
He never got married. Oh, he went to college, got a degree, became a teacher, earned tenure, and was totally successful in his career. I assume, though don’t know, that he paid part of the mortgage with his Dad. His mom had died quite a few years before, but he just continued living with his Dad.
His twin sister and other siblings all married and moved away. He just kept on living with Dad.
Oddly enough, around the age of 50 or so, he bought a house of his own and moved out. He bought it with cash since he had been saving his money for 20+ years and easily had enough to pay for an entire house free and clear.
He’s a great guy, popular teacher, and would honestly be a good catch for any lady. He was engaged once and has dated, but just never met a girl he could go all the way to marriage with.
No big story, no weirdo. Just a dude who never married and didn’t mind living with Dad.
Note: His Dad is still alive and is over 80 now. They are both just fine.
Yes, but they wouldn’t expect to dwell in the house under the variation looked down upon in the US . There are basically five main models in the US
Offspring remain with or move back with parents because the offspring needs assistance in some way - the child is a single parent and needs childcare or has some sort of disability that precludes either living independently or earning enough to be se;-supporting.
Offspring remain with or move back because the parents need assistance - they’re older or one or both are disabled or their income is too low. This is really much more like the parents moving in with the offspring, and the only real difference is who the dwelling belongs to.
Situation 1 turning into situation 2 is fairly common where for example by the time that single parent no longer needs any assistance with the kids, the grandparents need help.
One or more offspring remain with the parents. Nobody needs any help, everyone is capable of living on their own but it’s easier/less expensive to live together and the offspring contribute more than a nominal amount to household expenses. This used to be more common than it is now.
The one that causes problems. In this one, the child not doesn’t move out, but they basically continue their high school/college existence indefinitely. They contribute a nominal amount , if that, to the expenses of running a household. They don’t need to support themselves, so they can live the lifestyle of someone with a much higher income. This is the one that causes problems. It causes problems socially and also financially if the parents are not wealthy. My husband has an acquaintance in this category whose situation I know well. He never moved out after college. The household expenses were borne by his working class parents, and the household chores were done by his mother, who cooked,cleaned, did the laundry etc. He was only responsible for his personal expenses and cleaning his own bedroom. he could afford to keep a low paying job for 25 years and still go on three week long vacations and a number of weekend trips per year. And then his parents got sick and he had to do more of the household chores. Then they died and no more SS and pension checks. And he couldn’t afford his super cheap rent-controlled apartment on his paycheck and had to get a higher paying job which involved physical labor after 25 years of sedentary work. But that job didn’t give him nearly as much vacation time, although it didn’t matter because he couldn’t afford those vacations now. His parents didn’t do him any favors, as he as been miserable ever since he was forced to become self-supporting.
This last one is not the situation in most of those other cultures/times you are talking about.
It may be like meeting your life partner in your teens and staying with them forever. Uh, yeah that’s me. Anyway to some happiness comes early and change is just never needed.
My cousin is 50. She doesn’t live in the same home as her parents. (She lives in a nearby apartment.) But other than that, it’s the same scenario. She has only been sporadically employed, and her parents have always paid her bills.
When her parents die, I assume she’ll just blow the inheritance on drugs & alcohol, and die shortly after.
After their parents die and leave the house to the mortgage company, they wander off to a place known as the Elysian Fields. It consists of living in a cardboard box or Chevy van. :rolleyes:
I have a friend whose brother - now in his 40s - was a concern for a long time. Lived with his parents where his interest in holding anything that looked like a real job was minimal - his interest in being in a band, pursuing his career as an artist, or writing poetry took too much time to do anything but hold a part time job to pay for his small needs. Turns out, he is a bright guy, and as his parents aged, he was able to sort of see his gravy train coming to an end - and the real chances of making a living as an artist/musician/writer if he didn’t have his parents. He was never as lazy and uncommitted as some others you hear about - just had a different goal. His father owns a business and about ten years ago, the son started getting really involved in the business. As his parents have aged, his residence in the house has been helpful. So - for putting time in the business and caring for his parents, he’ll inherit the business. Dad is slowly retiring now, so he’ll have a lot of guidance, and isn’t likely to put the business under - and its a nice business, not one that will make you rich, but one that should support him for the rest of his life.
The house they current live in, if the parents don’t need long term care, will eventually be sold and her brother will use his half of the proceeds to buy a much smaller place - its a really nice house in a great location and half its value can easily by a small house or condo.
But he is very lucky - in addition to not have any addiction issues, being in good health, and being a bright talented guy - there is a business for him to step into - and one that doesn’t offend his artistic sensibilities.
I’ve been watching several cases of this, in various stages. Like the OP, I’m really curious how these will play out.
-An aging neighbor eventually passed away, leaving a grandkid in a house she couldn’t afford. After a few spectacular parties, the house foreclosed and she and her baby were (I assume) forced to move out. Last I heard, she’d gotten married to her kid’s father and lives with him. Don’t know any specifics though.
-Co-worker had a youngster who still lived with him (at age 38). Apparently the kids entire career repertoire was the ability to play video games. Coworker retired before I heard the story’s end.
-Another co-worker had a similar situation, but the kid committed a serious crime and is a guest of the state. I guess that one actually moved out, but not voluntarily.
-One relative continued to sponge off parents until age 45 or so. This one was just cycles of move-out, get evicted, move back home. Eventually due to unsavory companions the parents refused re-entry and locked this one out. This kid seems to have dropped out of sight and I’m told exists in some nether-world of street begging and couch-surfing. I started this thread about it a few years ago, asking if inability to plan ahead could actually be a mental illness.
-The final example in my world, is a 40-something relative who is back home (again) after a couple of failed marriages/live-ins. Unemployed and living in her parents house with her youngster. She’s entirely dependent on them and I suspect wouldn’t survive without their support. One parent has passed away, and I’m curious how this one will eventually play out.
…and then we have the adults who blew their money and are now living with their kids. But that’s a whole 'nuther thread I guess.
I wonder if there’s been an substantial uptick in multi-generational households recently. It seems to have reached epidemic proportions in my small circle.
This right here is the big take away, for me. Parents need to remember they are not raising kids, they are raising responsible, independent people.
My older brother lived with mom and dad and stayed a student as long as he could. I became resentful of him during this time period; when I moved-out and was on my own trying to make ends meet, doing my own laundry, shopping, cooking, struggling, etc. He got to live easy as long as mom and dad were there to take care of him, well into his 20s. They did not do him any favors by enabling this behavior.
Eventually, THEY moved away to another city where my dad got another job, and left him behind. He was unable to cope with the sudden responsibility for himself, at all. He flopped around trying to keep a job and apartment, etc. but never was able to get his act together, and eventually got a diagnosis for a mental disorder which enables him to now suck off the public teat for the rest of his life. It’s stable, but not a great life to live - even he would admit that.
That is one scenario for adult children who never move out.