Well, any quote could probably be considered the best since there were so many and they were all good but one that is in my mind at the moment is when Groucho is trying to persuade his would-be lover to rendezvous with him:
GROUCHO: “Meet me in the garden tonight. It’ll just be you and the moon. The moon and you. You wear a scarf so I’ll know ya”
“I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.”
“Everything about you reminds me of you except you. How do you explain that? (aside: If she gets this one, she’s good!)”
“Ah yes, I can see you slaving over a hot stove…I just can’t see the stove.”
Badabing!
[To woman with lots of children (10?)]
GROUCHO: My goodness, ma’am, ten children?
WOMAN: I love my husband, Groucho!
GROUCHO: Well, I love my cigar, but I take it out on occasion…
My favorite Groucho non-sequitors…
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
“East is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
(while romancing that matronly woman in all his movies)
“Ever since I met you, I’ve been sweeping you off my feet.”
“Leave! And never darken my towels again!”
Now where did I put my copy of “The Groucho Letters”…?
(Note: The following is paraphrased because I don’t want to run upstairs, find the book, and come back down)…
Chico: “If you want me to not come back, I got to have more money.”
Groucho: “It’s worth it.”
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO: I’m a man of few words…
RUFUS T. FIREFLY: I’m a man of one word – SCRAM!
And of course, there’s always my sig line…
You guys DO realize that most of these are “Best George Kaufman/Morrie Ryskind Quotes,” “Best Kalmar/Ruby Quotes,” or “Best S.J. Perelman Quotes” ?
– Uke, on behalf of writers everywhere
PS: It’s “You wear a NECKTIE so I’ll know you.” See, the joke is, Margaret Dumont is a lady, and doesn’t wear neckties. And it’s “I can see you now, BENDING over a hot stove…but I can’t see the stove.” See, the joke is, Margaret Dumont has a large rear end.
Oh yeah…one of my favorite scenes is about halfway through A NIGHT AT THE OPERA.
Harpo and Chico are eluding Inspector Henderson by dashing from room to room in Groucho’s hotel suite. And, JUST FOR THE SHEER HELL OF IT, they move the all the FURNITURE from room to room as they keep one step ahead of the cop.
INSPECTOR HENDERSON: Am I CRAZY, or are there THREE BEDS IN HERE?
OTIS B. DRIFTWOOD: Which question did you want me to answer first, Henderson?
Also the great throwaway line from DUCK SOUP, just before the famous Mirror Scene:
RUFUS T. FIREFLY (locked in the bathroom by Harpo and Chico): Hey! Let me out of here! Let me out! Let me out, or throw me a magazine.
Same scene, a little earlier. C and H are burglarizing Mrs’ Teasdale’s house. H maintains stealth by tuning the radio in to a loud Sousa march. G and MD listen from an upstairs bedroom, clad in their nightclothes…
MRS. TEASDALE: Listen! What is THAT?
RUFUS T. FIREFLY: Sounds to me like mice.
MRS. TEASDALE: Mice? Mice don’t play music!
RUFUS T. FIREFLY: No? What about the old maestro?
(Oh, Christ. Somebody stop me.)
Not Groucho reviewing but it could have been:
‘The covers of this book are too far apart’.
Chico and Harpo are impersonating famous aviators who are asked to give address a large crowd. The microphone is in front of Chico, who doesn’t want to blow his cover. Chico turns to Groucho for advice.
Chico: I don’t know what to say to 'em.
Groucho: Tell them you’re not here.
Chico: What if they don’t believe me?
Groucho: Oh, they’ll believe you once you start talking.
Either this man’s dead or my watch is broken.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Was it Groucho who said “I would not want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.” ???
Okay, here’s an AFAIK genuine Groucho quote, from his collection of personal letters, paraphrased from memory:
“I find television is great for reading. Every time the TV comes on, I leave the room and read a book.”
Dick Cavett claims that Groucho once phoned him to ask, “Has it ever occurred to you that Peter O’Toole has a doubly phallic name?”
From his Playboy Interview:
I once visited the offices of the New York Times and was told that they already had a “dummy” obituary written up for me. I asked to see it, read it, and it was so badly written that I volunteered to punch it up for them. They turned me down.