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Old 02-13-2019, 11:27 AM
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Question for anti death ray people? Earth Invasion?


Question: Lets say you're at home and some alien comes flying to steal your cows and probe your anus. Yes, you can and should call the military (assuming your phone is working) but you need protection NOW.

What would you do since you don't a terrawatt death ray?
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Old 02-13-2019, 11:29 AM
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Generally, I believe the "run/hide/fight" model of dealing with alien invaders is wisest, no matter how one is armed -- flee (with fellow members of your species) when possible; if fleeing is impossible, then hide (while preparing to fight if found); if hiding is impossible (or if one is found), then fight. Aside from my fellow homo sapiens, there's nothing on my planet that I wouldn't gladly trade away to avoid the chance of having to commit genocide (or, obviously, being genocided).
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Old 02-13-2019, 11:31 AM
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Aren't parody posts supposed to go in the BBQ Pit?
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Old 02-13-2019, 11:32 AM
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Parody threads go in the Pit. I've moved it from GD to the Pit. Link to original thread.

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Old 02-13-2019, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snarky_Kong View Post
Question: Lets say you're at home and some alien comes flying to steal your cows and probe your anus. Yes, you can and should call the military (assuming your phone is working) but you need protection NOW.

What would you do since you don't a terrawatt death ray?
I would pick up my phone and expect to hear:

Quote:
Hello, Commander.

In light of the recent extraterrestrial incursion, this Council of Nations has convened to approve the activation of the X-COM Project. You have been chosen to lead this initiative. To oversee our first -- and last -- line of defense.

Your efforts will have considerable influence on this planet's future. We urge you to keep that in mind as you proceed.

Good luck, Commander.
Then I would send out a team of four rookies who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn to deal with the threat.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:12 PM
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Also, I'm not anti death ray, but I do believe you should research alien alloy armor before laser guns, because the lives of your soldiers matter, and a highly trained operative with a ballistic rifle is worth two rookies with plasma guns.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:26 PM
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I would try diplomacy. I figure I would ill-equipped to fight beings who have masted interplanetary travel. Not sure why they would want to steal my cows or probe my anus......
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:28 PM
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Isn't this why we have Space Force?
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:32 PM
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Hmm maybe try to deescalate with some calming phrases like "Klaatu barada nikto".

Anyway if we were meant to have death rays, God wouldn't have killed Tesla.

Last edited by jackdavinci; 02-13-2019 at 12:33 PM.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:32 PM
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I would take comfort that they were here to serve man.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:32 PM
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I dont have cows, so no big deal there.

As for the anus probing, I don't imagine it would be fun, but then what? Then they go away or...what? Maybe I just let em probe and get on with my life. Or maybe I'd join them. It'd be more interesting than getting on with my boring shitty life.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:35 PM
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Isn't this why we have Space Force?
This is why we need a space wall now!



(Paging Dr. Dyson.)
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:35 PM
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What thread are you parodying?

Context is always good.
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Old 02-13-2019, 12:36 PM
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Isn't this why we have Space Force?
No, it's to protect us from Space ISIS.
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:25 PM
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What thread are you parodying?

Context is always good.
Bone linked to it in post #4 when he moved the thread out of GD.
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:40 PM
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When death rays are outlawed, only aliens will have death rays.
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:46 PM
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Why don't they invent life rays instead of wasting their time building bigger stronger death rays?
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Old 02-13-2019, 01:50 PM
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I'd splash water on them. I saw that in a movie once.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:00 PM
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I assume they're not knocking on my door, so that it's a surprise when I open it. I assume that I just heard them land either in my back yard or in the street. Either way, that's a small space ship. So - - call 911, grab the machete, and head for the basement. Might call PG&E, too. Odds are the ship took out a line on the way in.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:04 PM
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It would be better if everyone had training on what to do and not do if they came across a terawatt death ray, either in their home or on the street, but it's not like anyone should actually lift a finger to provide such training... unless any alien cyborgs want to donate a little time on the weekend to indoctrinate third graders into thinking that happiness is a warm phaser.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:07 PM
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I'd splash water on them. I saw that in a movie once.
When water balloons are outlawed, only water balloons will have...Wait a minute...
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:10 PM
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Play "Indian Love Call" over the PA system. Their heads will explode inside their helmets.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:12 PM
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I don't mind if they probe my cows, but stealing my anus is just a bit too far!
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:20 PM
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Play "Indian Love Call" over the PA system. Their heads will explode inside their helmets.
Note to self: buy PA system and ear plugs.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:28 PM
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Note to self: buy PA system and ear plugs.
Oh. That reminds me. I have a bagpipe app on my phone. I'd need bigger speakers, though.
  #26  
Old 02-13-2019, 02:32 PM
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Play "Indian Love Call" over the PA system. Their heads will explode inside their helmets.
"Puberty Love" will do in a pinch.
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:43 PM
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Oh. That reminds me. I have a bagpipe app on my phone. I'd need bigger speakers, though.
Do you have a license for that bagpipe app?
  #28  
Old 02-13-2019, 03:20 PM
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As for the anus probing, I don't imagine it would be fun, but then what?
Then they find the ancient cosmic secrets you've hidden up there, and the multiverse is doomed.

...everyone keeps their ancient cosmic secrets stashed in their rectum, right?? It's not just me? Hypothetically, I mean.
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Old 02-13-2019, 03:23 PM
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No, I totally keep my ancient cosmic secrets stashed in your rectum.
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Old 02-13-2019, 03:26 PM
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I would pick up my phone and expect to hear:



Then I would send out a team of four rookies who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn to deal with the threat.
If they want to probe cows they are probably the original XCOM's (1993) sectoids, your rookies can win that battle with acceptable(3-4) losses (send eight to be sure).
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Old 02-13-2019, 03:30 PM
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Hmm maybe try to deescalate with some calming phrases like "Klaatu barada nikto".
I hear "bah weep grana weep ninny bon" is more effective and less vague in its interpretation among alien life forms.
  #32  
Old 02-13-2019, 04:06 PM
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I hear "bah weep grana weep ninny bon" is more effective and less vague in its interpretation among alien life forms.
I think there might be more than meets the eye to this possibility.
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:17 PM
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Idiots. They're not going to probe your anus. They're going to probe Uranus. So since now all you have to do is defend some cows, you don't need a terrawatt death ray. A 1920's style death ray will do.
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:23 PM
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I hear "bah weep grana weep ninny bon" is more effective and less vague in its interpretation among alien life forms.
Well, sure, if you think that's a good idea, but it's not a very nice thing to say about your sister.

I'd say we just cough in their faces. We've all seen War of the Worlds, right?

Or, if they're in clown costumes, punch them in the nose.
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Old 02-13-2019, 06:22 PM
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Do you have a license for that bagpipe app?
Not considered a weapon of war since 1996.


OK, more complicated than that, but for these purposes...
  #36  
Old 02-13-2019, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Snarky_Kong View Post
Question: Lets say you're at home and some alien comes flying to steal your cows and probe your anus. Yes, you can and should call the military (assuming your phone is working) but you need protection NOW.

What would you do since you don't a terrawatt death ray?
Well I guess my gun is the next best option.
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Old 02-13-2019, 09:44 PM
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Hey, Ztigork! Got another transmission we picked up from that weird-ass planet, Get this! They think we want to go there! I swear, I am not making this up!"
  #38  
Old 02-13-2019, 09:45 PM
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Question... What would you do since you don't [own] a terrawatt death ray?
You're making quite the assumption there... about all of us.

A bit insulting, to be candid.


ETA: By the way, a terrawatt? Pffft! That might sound impressive to someone with a '20s style model, but things have progressed a titch since then...

Last edited by digs; 02-13-2019 at 09:46 PM.
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Old 02-13-2019, 10:11 PM
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Question: Lets say you're at home and some alien comes flying to steal your cows and probe your anus. Yes, you can and should call the military (assuming your phone is working) but you need protection NOW.

What would you do since you don't a terrawatt death ray?
I'd give him Czarcasm's address along with assurances that, there, s/he could anal probe and cow rustle with absolutely no possibility of resistance.

Last edited by Scumpup; 02-13-2019 at 10:12 PM.
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Old 02-13-2019, 11:07 PM
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I will trade two of my cows for a deathray. With this deathray I will kill, kill, kill ‘till I’m knee-deep in alien guts. Then I will re-charge and repeat. The last two aliens I will employ as bouncers for the nightclub I will make their spaceship into. When I’m bored with being a nightclub owner, I will fire it up and visit their homeworld. Kill a bunch more aliens, and some of *their* cows. See how they like it. I will find out what landmarks carry deep emotional meaning for them, and destroy all those which are irreplacable. After that point, I’ll probably give diplomacy a chance. I mean if I have to come up with something quickly.
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Old 02-13-2019, 11:58 PM
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It would be completely unnecessary and far too risky for any alien species to invade us.

The biological transfer in both directions would likely kill both us and them.
An entire planet is far too large to be occupied in an effective manner. It would take hundreds of millions of alien troops for little net gain.
Any actual resources they might want are found in abundance in space.
Any intellectual resources could be pirated from our internet without landing.

Most behavioral changes could be forced through bombardment, containment and propaganda.
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Old 02-14-2019, 12:58 AM
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The biological transfer in both directions would likely kill both us and them.
You're more likely to catch the flu from a crocodile or Ebola from a bowl of petunias then you are to swap germs with an alien in any sort of harmful way.
  #43  
Old 02-14-2019, 01:22 AM
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You're more likely to catch the flu from a crocodile or Ebola from a bowl of petunias then you are to swap germs with an alien in any sort of harmful way.
Except that our very skin and breath are filled with bacteria, molds, etc. So we don't even need to touch, just be in the same room to exchange or be subjected to theirs.

We have evolved to deal with the ones we have. Hell, we're covered with bacteria that could well kill us, but our bodies deal with them in all but the worst cases. What another race could consider a harmless bacteria could wipe us all out.
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:22 AM
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Any intellectual resources could be pirated from our internet without landing.
They would have to make sure they stay within acceptable boundaries that don't arouse suspicion.
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:32 AM
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Except that our very skin and breath are filled with bacteria, molds, etc. So we don't even need to touch, just be in the same room to exchange or be subjected to theirs.

We have evolved to deal with the ones we have. Hell, we're covered with bacteria that could well kill us, but our bodies deal with them in all but the worst cases. What another race could consider a harmless bacteria could wipe us all out.
It's not about contact, the bacteria and viruses on Earth are all evolved to infect creatures with earth-like biochemistry. Aliens are going to be so totally different that there's just no way that their microbes will be compatible with our cells. That's why diseases like aids or Ebola can jump to us from other apes, and simpler viruses like influenza can even jump over from a bird or a pig, or how smallpox evolved from cowpox. Or something like rabies that can survive in both birds and mammals.

You never hear about a disease jumping from a cold blooded crocodile -- or a fish or a plant -- to humans. Their bodies are just so different from ours that the germs that live in us can't live in them, and vice versa.
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:37 AM
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Hey, Ztigork! Got another transmission we picked up from that weird-ass planet, Get this! They think we want to go there! I swear, I am not making this up!"
And -this is the part you'll never believe- they're made of MEAT!

CMC fnord!
  #47  
Old 02-14-2019, 07:00 AM
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I'm not worried. I've got a board with a nail in it. Soon, I will have bigger boards with bigger nails. Invading space aliens don't stand a chance!
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Old 02-14-2019, 07:38 AM
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Or something like rabies that can survive in both birds and mammals.
Birds can get rabies? Watch out for hummingbirds!
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Old 02-14-2019, 08:08 AM
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Joke's on you, I love getting my anus probed and will gladly pay in cows!
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Old 02-14-2019, 02:56 PM
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You never hear about a disease jumping from a cold blooded crocodile -- or a fish or a plant -- to humans. Their bodies are just so different from ours that the germs that live in us can't live in them, and vice versa.
You're misunderstanding what a disease is. Your skin is covered with bacteria that COULD cause you illnesses, but generally doesn't, because you're healthy and your body is used to dealing with it.

A totally, completely unknown bacteria being introduced isn't going to be 'incompatible' with our biology. It will be incompatible with our immune system, which has never seen anything like it.
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